Merle's Third Try

Memory.

2012-01-29T12:58:00.008+11:00

Post 765 ~ ~ ~ Sunday 29th January, 2012.

Hello again my dear Friends~~ I hope that all is well with you all and
that life is good for you. I am doing OK and gradually getting stronger,
one day at a time and I am managing on my own. I have friends and
relatives who visit and help at times. I have enjoyed the soup that
Bec made me. She left a list for you Big Dave T on last post.
Thanks Vivienne for your comment and good wishes.

Well I got a surprise yesterday when my son Geoff and his wife Joanne
were expected and came a bit later. A car pulled in with a boat on top
and it was their son Scott and his girlfriend Ally, and Michelle and Ryan
who were married on the 7th and have been to New Zealand for their
honeymoon. So we all chatted and I gave them their Christmas gifts
a bit late, but I wasn't with it at Christmas. Apparently I was near a
coma due to the pain patches they kept putting on me.
The four kids had been camping for a few days near a lake. They all
get on so well which is terrific.

Anyway we all had a great time and went and had Red Rooster
chicken for lunch. Then came home and Geoff and Jo pulled weeds
and cut back dead fronds from my ferns, which I hope will come
back - we are supposed to get rain later today. They all hopped
in and helped= sweeping paths and the verandah etc etc.
Jo had brought me some lovely meals, Sweet and Sour my fave
and a new one chicken and mushrooms -very nice and so good of
her. My freezer is looking good. Many thanks to you all Family.
I love you all.

Well the first item today is called Memory and has been posted
before, but it's a good one. It is from Mountain Wings.

An 80 year old couple was having trouble remembering things,
so decided to go to their doctor to see nothing was wrong.

They explained to the doctor about the problems they were
having with their memory. After checking them out the doctor
said that they were physically OK, but might want to write
things down to help them remember. They thanked the doctor
and left.

Later that night, while watching TV the man got up from his
chair and his wife asked "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down
so you can remember it?"
He said, "No. I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would like some strawberries on top. You
better write it down because I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember you want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
She replied, "Well I would also like some whipped cream on
top. I know you will forget that. You better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don;t need to write it
down. I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returned and handed her a plate of
bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and
said angrily, " I TOLD you to write it down. You forgot my toast."
<><>

Another from Mountain Wings called "Half Price."

He was a good man but a bit stingy. He would bargain and
haggle on a price, never paying the price asked. He especially
hated his medical fees.

One day while eating fish, a bone became stuck in his throat
and within minutes he could scarcely breathe. His wife
frantically called the family doctor, who arrived just as the
patient was turning blue. The physician quickly removed
the bone with a pair of forceps.

When he was again breathing normally, although overwhelmed
with gratitude to the doctor for saving his life, the doctor's
fees were a bit worrisome to him.

Trying his best to keep his costs down,, he turned to the good
doctor and asked, "How much do I owe you for this small two
minute job?"

The doctor, who knew his patient's miserly habit too well, replied
"Just pay me half of what you would have when the bone was
still stuck in your throat."
<><>
One from my friend, Gina called Tender Moment. Thanks.

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day when he came to, he motioned her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears. "You
know what? You have been with me through all the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?"

"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began
to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you're really bad luck...:
<><>

A short one from my friend Lady Di- thanks Dianne.
Old Guy Joke.

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us
and told my friend, "That's us in 10 year's time."

He said, "That's a mirror, dip-stick."
<><>

Some Famous Quips sent by my dear friend Jeanette.
Thank you Jan. I hope you are OK. I am so so.

"Sometimes when I look at my children, I say to myself,
"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
Lillian Carter mother of Jimmy Carter.

I had a rose named after me and was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the
catalogue: "No good in bed, but fine up against a wall"
Eleanor Roosevelt.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning
and a good ending and to have the two as close together
as possible. George Burns.

Santa Claus has the right idea, Visit people only once a year,
Victor Borge.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy
If you get aa bad one, you'll become a philosopher.Socrates.

I was married by a judge, I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx.

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and
then she stops to breathe. Jimmy Durante.

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
ZSA ZSA Gabor.

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would
stop dying. Rodney Dangerfield.

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring a more
pleasant form of misery. Spike Milligan.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things fish do
in it. W. C. Fields.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation,, as you grow older
it will avoid you. Winston Churchill.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too
old to go anywhere. Billy Crystal.
<><>

Well time to close this post. I have had to type most of it again
because i Pushed Publish and it wouldn't and in spite of many many
times pressing SAVE it only did abhe first page which I found
in EDIT pOSTS. I am now too scared to press publish = if it goes
to the page that says "Start a blog - it's free" I 'll scream.

Anyway take good care of yourselves my friends, life is too short.
Love and best wishes to you all. Merle.

Post 765 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 29th January, 2012.
<><><>

A Little Better.

2012-01-22T14:33:00.009+11:00

Post 764 ~ ~ ~ Sunday 22nd January, 2012.

Hello again my dear friends ~~ It is great to be with you all again,
and I am a little better - getting around the house with my walker and
doing my exercises, but I am still pretty weak and have to hold on to
my walker with both hands.

I hope you are all doing well and life is good for you. I am too
impatient to get stronger and get back to where I was. Slow
but sure seems the only way though. I go to Physio twice a
week for a while, so that will help and I do the exercises.

I didn't get around to taking a photo of Rebecca (Bec) this time, but the week
she spent here was wonderful. She washed, shopped and cooked and took
good care of me. She cooked various things and put them in containers in
my freezer about 24 of them. All things I like.

We have arranged to have meals delivered from a cafe 5 days a week and they
do weekends as well. But because the meals are so big, there will be enough for
tea or weekends, so with Bec's supply, I think I won't have to cook for a long time.
She cooked a roast lamb dinner one day for John, herself and me and made the
rest into meals for me. She also cooked a turkey rolled roast with vegies and
her Dad came for that one also. We all enjoyed the week with her and one
night she went out with an old school friend for dinner and enjoyed that.
A bif Thank You to Bec - I love you.

This is John , my eldest son and Bec's father, photo also a few year's old, the
beard is longer now. I just wanted to say how marvellous he was the nearly
7 weeks I was in hospital - 48 days. He did all my washing and returned it folded
and put it in my cupboard. There was nothing I needed that he didn't
get or bring for me and he came twice a day sometimes, only missed when he
went to a funeral of one of his bikie friend's wife at Broken Hill a 9 hour
car trip either way.So he stayed there two nights. The only other days he
missed were when I said, I was Ok and to have the weekend off from Mum
and so I did that a few times to give him a break. The lady in the next bed
to me got to know and like him so much, she'd ask is our son coming today.

In between all of this, somehow he kept most of my garden alive, so I am so
very glad he is here and willing and able to help.
A big Thank you for all you did. Thank you doesn't seem enough.
I love you.

Last time I was in a Melbourne hospital and my other son and his wife and
kids used to visit me - Geoff almost every night, so it is a case of who is
the closest. Geoff has promised to come and weed my garden and tidy it up
very soon. John trimmed and carted away a trailer load of rubbish, but
cut things back, rather than weed.

Thank you to A.Z and also anonymous both from Arizona. Thank you for
your comments and good wishes. I couldn't answer any other way, so if
you have waded through all of that, thank you both and all the best.

Well I will try to find a few jokes for you. - my patient friends.
A few from John called "Because you like a terrible joke."

My neighbor knocked at my door at 2.30 this morning. Can you
believe that...2.30 am? Luckily I was still up playing my bagpipes.

The Grim Reaper came for me yesterday and I beat him off with
a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

Paddy said, "Mick, I'm thinking about buying a Labrador."
"Really?" says Mick, "have you noticed how many of their
owners go blind?"

The wife has been missing for a week now. Police said to prepare
for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all
her clothes back.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid
When I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a
grave. As I was standing there, I noticed 4 grave diggers walking
about with a coffin. Three hours later, they were still walking about
with it. I thought to myself, They've lost the plot.!!
<><>

One from Pearly Gates called "Helicopter Ride."
Buddy and his wife Edna every year went to the State Fair and
every year Buddy would say,"Edna I'd like to ride in the helicopter"
Edna always replies,"I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is
fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair and Buddy said,
"Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might
not get another chance."
To this, Edna answers, "Buddy the ride is fifty bucks and
fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks, I'll make you
a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet
for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you
a penny, but if you say one word it's fifty bucks.
Buddy and Edna agreed and off they went.

The pilot did all kinds of crazy manouvers, but not a word
was heard. He did all his dare-devil tricks over and over
trying to elicit a peep, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, "By golly
I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't
I'm impressed."
Buddy replied, "Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something
when Edna fell out, but you know fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
<><>

Women's Revenge.
"Cash, cheque or charge> I asked after folding the items the woman
wanted to purchase. As she fumbled in her purse, I noticed a television
remote in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, but my husband would not come shopping with me
so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

Understanding Women - A Man's Perspective.
I know I am not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it to
your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid
of a spider.

Wife verses Husband.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying
a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither
of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband
asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?
"YEP" the wife replied, " IN-LAWS."

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women
use a day 30.000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men....
The husband turned to his wife and asked "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so
stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me so
beautiful so you would be attracted to me:
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you.

WHO DOES WHAT?
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should
brew the coffee each morning.The wife said,"You should do it
because you get up first and then we won't have to wait so long
for our coffee."
The husband said," You are in charge of cooking around here, so
you should do because that is your job, and I can wait for my coffee"

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies,"I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the Old Testament and
showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says--
"HEBREWS"

God may have created man before women, but there is always
a rough draft before the masterpiece.
<><>

Well that is it for this post and I have been up and down like
a yoyo doing this. My back still aches and I have to move and walk etc
Anyway, until next time my friends,take great care of yourselves and
enjoy your lives. My love and best wishes to you all, Merle.

Back Home Again.

2012-01-15T13:30:00.005+11:00

Post 763 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 15th January, 2012.

Hello again my Dear Dear friends ~~ You don't know how much I treasure
knowing you and sharing our lives with each other. I am quite sure all your
messages and prayers helped in my recovery. They certainly lifted my spirits
and kept me heading in the right direction, so I say a huge Thank you to
you all and I will eventually get around to answering you all individually.

I want to thank my brother for his updates on my condition and for keeping
my friends informed on my condition. Thanks, little brother - It was hard
with all the distance between us and John. He was absolutely marvellous
and such a help to me over that long period, from 24 November until the
10th January. I came home on Tuesday 10th January, but was making so
many typing errors, that it is only now, that I am feeling able to try for a
post. I feel very weak and rely on my walking frame to get around. I am
hoping to get a lot stronger very soon.

My beautiful grand-daughter arrived yesterday from Brisbane to stay a
week and has been a big help already. I don't want to take all her time
though so she can see her friends and spend time with her Dad,
Two grand-daughters got married last week so we are just getting cards
off to them while they are on their honeymoons. I had hopes of seeing
the one in Melbourne, but had no hope of the one in Queensland.

I won't even attempt a joke today, but hope to do better very soon.
Again, thank you to everyone who sent messages and good wishes,
I love you all. Merle.

Post 763, ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 15th January, 2012.
<><><>

update #5

2012-01-03T23:21:00.002+11:00

Hi folks, its Peter again but the news is a little better this week.
After a very worrying week when Merle was unable to eat anything and seemed to be just hanging on she seems to have turned the corner and is so much brighter... getting back to her old self.
The doctors are very pleased with the turn around and have her starting on her exercises again, this time with minimal pain thank the Lord.
Her outlook is so much better, she has started to show an interest in her blog again and asked me to pass on her thanks for all the good wishes and prayers which she is sure have helped her.
I'm happy again so have looked up a joke for you... some of you read holtieshouse as well as here and this joke may even fit better in holtieshouse but I think its funny and I'm sure Merle will agree so here goes...

Sensitive Aussie Blokes.

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:

Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is
killed instantly..
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.'

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the booze, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the missus her husband was dead and she
gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.

'When she answered the door, I said, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

Update #4

2011-12-22T14:07:00.002+11:00

Hi folks, again its only Peter here, I wish that I had some good news for you but its more of the same and one more complication... Merle had a fall in hospital and is a bit shaken up by it.
No possibility of getting home for Christmas now... there is no structural damage thank goodness but it has shaken her up and sapped her confidence.
John is still delivering her mail so if any of you would like to send her a card let me know and I'll send you an address as soon as we have one, she will be moving into respite care in the next day or so (pre. Christmas) My email is peterholt@netspace.net.au please ensure you give me a useable email address if you want to contact Merle.
As you can well imagine this has put a bit of a damper on the Christmas spirit here but on Merle's behalf I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Update #3

2011-12-12T20:45:00.005+11:00

Hi folks,, Peter here with another update on Merle's health.
Not that there is much to update unfortunately, her treatment has been changed from physio therapy to bed rest, she was suffering quite a lot of pain after each physio session and the current thinking is that complete rest may achieve better results?????
Despite all this she is still bright and fairly upbeat, much more-so than when she went into hospital last time, she asked me to let you all know that she still thinks about all of you each day and is longing for the day when she gets home and back into her routine.
We are still hopeful that she will be home for Christmas, however I wouldn't be surprised if they try to locate a suitable respite care centre to ease her back into "normal".

For our taste of humor.... I can't recall Merle posting any of these, my apologies if she has.

A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband.
She says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you."
Her husband asks. "Is that you, or the wine talking?"
She replies, "It's me....talking to the wine."

Update number 2

2011-12-01T21:59:00.002+11:00

Hi to all of my Sisters faithful readers, it does her heart good to know that you are all still out there and sending good wishes and prayers her way.
Merle is much improved after her rest in hospital, but I'm sad to say she still has quite a lot of pain, she is in Rehab now where they are giving her exercises and treatment to help reduce the pain, looks like she will be there for another week or so, home by Christmas (if she is well enough) is now the target.
I'd better not do 2 posts here without some humour... I'm sure Merle, and lots of the rest of us too will feel at home with this story.

A Strange Old Lady.

A very weird thing has happened.
A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, or where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly didn't invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there and the next day she was.

She is very clever. She manages to keep out of sight for the most part; but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her there; and when I look into the mirror directly to check my appearance, suddenly she is hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my face and body. It is very disconcerting. I've tried yelling at her to leave but she just yells back, grimacing horribly.

If she is going to hang around, the least she could do is offer to pay rent. But no. Every once in a while I do find a couple of dollar bills on the kitchen counter, or some loose change on my bureau or on the floor, but that certainly isn't enough.

In fact, though I don’t like to jump to conclusions, I think she steals from me regularly. I go to the ATM and withdraw a hundred dollars and a few days later, it's gone. I certainly don't go through it that fast, so I can only conclude the old lady pilfers it. You'd think she would spend it on some wrinkle cream, she certainly needs it.

And, the money isn't the only thing she's taking. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate. Especially the good stuff...

ice cream, cookies, candy...I just can't keep them is the house. She really has a sweet tooth. She should watch it; she's really putting on the pounds. I think she realizes that, and to make herself feel better, I know she is tampering with my scales so I'll think I am gaining weight too.

For an old lady, she's really quite childish. She gets into my closet when I'm not home and alters all my clothes. They're getting tighter every day. Another thing: I wish she'd stop messing with my files and papers on my desk. I can't find anything anymore.

Furthermore, when I program my VCR to tape something important, she fiddles with it after I leave the room so it records the wrong channel or shuts of completely.

She finds innumerable imaginative ways to irritate me. She gets all my newspapers, magazines and mail before me, and blurs all the print and she's done something sinister with the volume controls on my TV,radio and phone. Now all I hear are mumbles and whispers. She's also made my stairs steeper, all my knobs and faucets hard to turn and my bed higher and a real challenge to get in and out of.

I thought she couldn't get any meaner than that, but yesterday she proved me wrong. She actually came with me when I went to get my passport photo taken, and she actually stepped in front of the camera, just as the shutter clicked. Distaser! I have never seen such a terrible picture. How can I go abroard now? No customs official is ever going to beleive that, scowling face on my passport is me.

She's walking on very thin ice. If she keeps this up, I swear, I'll put her in a home.

Back in Hospital

2011-11-20T11:15:00.003+11:00

Hi Folks, its Merle's brother Peter once more the bearer of bad news... yep, she is back in hospital this time in Shepparton which makes it much easier for John and her many friends to keep in touch.
My report comes via John, Merle's oldest son and my first nephew, her back pain has finally been diagnosed as a crushed 5th vertebrae, no wonder she was in pain!!!
Hopefully now she will be given sufficient care and medication to let her rest and recuperate, she has no access to a computer at the moment but I'm sure your love and best wishes will be appreciated when she gets home again, I'll let you know any progress reports as they become available.

No proper post today.

2011-11-13T16:35:00.003+11:00

Post 762 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 13th November, 2011.

Hi Everyone ~~ I hope you are all feeling better than I am. This back
pain is really bad and I can't think straight, so am not doing a proper
post. my daughter, Kathy is coming to help for a few days, and has a
five hour drive to get here. That is so good of her, and for me to ask
her to come shows, how I am feeling. I will try to do a post soon.

Seeing I am here, a quick joke from my friend Warren. Thanks Mate.
It is called Husband down. with a pic of a man on the floor of shop.

On the Woolworth's intercom, Clean-up on Aisle 5, we have a husband down.

A husband and wife were shopping in their local Woolworths.
The husband picks up a case of Foster beer and puts it in their
trolley.
"What do you think you are doing?" asks the wife.
"They are on Sale, only $20 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so
they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $40 jar of face
cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," the wife says.
The husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Tooheys and at half the price."

He never knew what hit him !!!
<><>

Bye for now my friends, I love you all and treasure our friendship.
Hopefully I will be back better than ever before too long..
Take great care, and don't lift any heavy boxes. Cheers, Merle.
<><>

Post 762 ~ ~ Sunday, 13th November, 2011.
<><><>

Two Horses.

2011-11-06T15:54:00.008+11:00

Post ~~ 761 ~~ Sunday, 6th November, 2011.

Hi Everyone ~~ I hope all is well with you and that life is good. Mine is,
but not very comfortable at the moment. I lifted a heavy awkward box
on Thursday and hurt my back. Sprained it so I was told, so walking and
getting up and down is not easy. I hope to get some relief very soon.

First item is called "Two Horses" and was sent by my friend of many years,
Barbara. Thank you so much.

Just up the road from my home is a field with two horses in it.
From a distance, each horse looks like any other horse. But if you stop
your car, or are walking by, you will notice something quite amazing....

Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner
has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him.

This alone is amazing. If you stand nearby and listen, you will hear the
sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, you will see
that it comes from the smaller horse in the field.

Attached to the horse's halter is a small bell. It lets the blind friend know
where the other horse is, so he can follow. As you stand and watch these
two friends, you'll see that the horse with the bell is always checking on
the blind horse, and that the blind horse will listen for the bell and then
slowly walk to where the other horse is, trusting that he will not be led
astray.

When the horse with the bell returns to the shelter of the barn each
evening, it stops occasionally and looks back. Making sure the blind
friend isn't too far behind to hear the bell.

Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away
just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or
challenges.

He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us
when we are in need.

Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided the little ringing bell of
those who God has placed in our lives. Other times we are the guide
horse, helping others to find their way....

Good friends are like that..... You may not always see them, but you
know they are always there. Please listen for my bell, and I'll listen
for yours, and remember . . . .

Be kinder than necessary. Everyone you meet is fighting
Some sort of battle.

Live simply; Love generously; Care deeply; Speak kindly . . . . . .

FOR WE WALK BY FAITH AND NOT BY SIGHT,
<><>

First joke was sent to me twice, from Queensland friends,
Lee, and Warren. Thank you both.
Keep smiling folks. Here's a little tale to help you along.

My dear husband:
I am writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a
good wife to you for the last 20 years and I have nothing to show
for it and the last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you left your job which was the
last straw. Last week you came home and you didn't even notice
I had a new hair-style, had cooked your favorite meal and even
wore a brand new nightie.

You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to bed after watching
your TV shows. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't
want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore:
whatever the case, I'm gone. Your ex-wife.
PS, Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER and I are moving to
Invercargill together. Have a great life.

REPLY:
Dear ex-wife.
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's
true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good
woman is far from what you've been.
I watch TV shows so much to drown out your constant whining
& bitching. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair-do last week, but the first thing
that came to my mind was, 'You look just like a boy' Since my
father raised me not to say anything, if you can't see anything
nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have confused
me with MY BROTHER, because I haven't eaten pork in 7 years.
About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the
$49.99mprice tag was still n it and I prayed it was a coincidence
that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me this morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out.
so when I won the $20 million lotto on Saturday, I left my job
and bought 2 tickets for us to Jamaica, but when I got home,
you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you've always wanted. My
lawyer said your letter ensures that you won't get a dollar from me.

So take care, signed your ex-husband, rich and free.
PS. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born
as Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
<><>

Next joke is called "Adult Learning Center." Thank you dear Jan
for this one. I hope you are doing well my friend.

Adult Learning Center. Men teaching classes for women.
For the ladies, with a before the fact apology.

Class 1. Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to adjust a thermostat.
step by step with slide presentation,
Meets 4 weeks, for 2 hours,

Claas 2. Which takes more energy - Putting toilet seat down or
bitching about it for 3 hours. Round Table discussion.
Meets 2 weeks for 2 hours.

Class 3. Is it possible to drive past a Wal-Mart without stopping.
Group Debate. Meets 4 weeks for 2 hours.

Class 4. Fundamental difference between a Purse and a suit-case
Pictures and explanatory graphics. Meets for 3 weeks.

Class 5. Curling Irons-- Can they Levitate and fly into bathroom
cabinets? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks for 2 hours.

Class 6. How to ask questions during Commercials and be quiet
during the program. Help Line Support and Support groups.
Meets 4 weeks,

Class 7. Can a Bath be taken without 14 different kinds od Soaps
and Shampoos? Open Forum 2 hours.

Class 8. Health Watch -- They make medicine for PMS - USE IT.
Three nights for 2 hours.

Class 9. I Was Wrong and He Was Right - Real life testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10. How to Parallel Park in Less than 20 minutes without an
Insurance Claim. Driving Simulations.4 weeks, 2 hours.

Class 11. Learning to Live --How to apply brakes without throwing
passengers trough the windshield. Location to be determined.

Class 12. How to shop by yourself. Meets 4 weeks for 2 hours.

I bet the boys are laughing now. Sorry Ladies.
<><>

My cousin Lorraine sent me this one. Thank you Lorraine.

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now
growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animal you can eat before they are born and after
they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: an insect that makes you like Flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

And last but not least.
WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character
lines.
<><>

Last one tonight is a Pearly Gates one. Would you remarry?

A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all
need companionship."
"If I died, and you remarried," the wife asks "would she live in
this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting the house just the way we
want it. I am not getting rid of my house. I guess she would."

"If I died and you remarried,, and she lived in this house," the wife
asks, Would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well the bed is brand new ad it cost us $2,000. It's going to
last a long time, so I guess she would."

"If I died, and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept
in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh. No," the husband replies, "She is left handed."
<><>

Well my friends, take great care of yourselves and each other. I am very
happy to say that my brother Peter is home from his son's wedding in
West Australia. He flew there, then went home by the Indian Pacific
railway which takes 3 days to cross the Nullabor Plain. He has put a
couple of posts on about it. Then he went by bus, taxi and car and is
now safely home in Gympie. Love and Best Wishes to you all.
Cheers, Merle.

Post 761 ~ ~ ~ Sunday 6th November, 2011.
<><><>

Saying Grace in a Restaurant.

2011-10-30T17:40:00.005+11:00

Post 760 ~ ~ Sunday 30th October, 2011.

Hello again my friends ~~ Nice to be back with you tonight. The day has
just got away from me. I had hoped to start earlier, but here goes.
I hope your lives are going well my friends as mine is at present. No big
problems and not too many small ones -- who could ask for more?

A very Happy Halloween for those who celebrate it. Take care.

The first item was sent by my cousin Karyn in New Zealand. Thank you.
It is called "Saying Grace in a Restaurant." This is good for your soul!

Last week I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My six year old
grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads, he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you
for the food, and I would even thank you more if Nana gets us ice-cream
for dessert. And liberty and justice for all. Amen.

Along with the laughter from other customers nearby, I heard a woman
remark, "That's what is wrong with this country. Kids don't even know
how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream. Why I never !!"

Hearing this my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it
wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God
was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the
table. He winked at my grandson.

:I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
:Really?" my grandson asked.
"Cross my heart,"the man replied.

Then in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose
remark had started the whole thing). "Too bad she never asks God
for ice-cream. A little ice-cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal,
My grandson stared at his for a moment, and then did something I
will remember for the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed
it in front of the woman. "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for
the soul sometimes; and my soul is good already."
The end. Sometimes we all need ice cream, so pass this on.
<><>

My friend Warren from Queensland sent me this one about
"Penguins" Thanks Mate.

Well I never. Who would have thought this. The Wonders
of Nature. Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins
on the ice in Antarctica -- where do they go? Wonder no more!!

It is a well known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic
Bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to it's family and will mate for life,
as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with it's
offspring throughout it's life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members
of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in
the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is
large enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The make penguins then gather around the fresh grave and
sing: "FREEZE a JOLLY GOOD FELLOW", Freeze a jolly good
fellow." Then they kick him into the ice hole."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins,
did you?
It's so easy to fool OLD people. Thanks I think, Warren.
<><>

This is just a fun picture of a very brave or stupid cat.

I have received the next one several times, but thought you might like it.
"What Mom Taught Me."

Mom taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. If you are going to
kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.

Mom taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of
the carpet.

Mom taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten
up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week.

Mom taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

Mom taught me IRONY: "Keep laughing and I'll give you
something to cry about.

Mom taught me FORESIGHT : "Make sure you wear clean
underwear in case you are in an accident."

Mom taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

Mom taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you look at
the dirt on the back of your neck."

Mom taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there until all
that spinach is finished."

Mom taught me about WEATHER: "It looks as though a tornado
has swept through your room."

Mom taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled
because I saw a meteor coming towards you, would you listen then?"

Mom taught me about HYPOCRICY" "If I've told you once, I've told
you a million times. Don't exaggerate."

Mom taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting
like your father."

Mom taught me about ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate
children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

And most of all....Mom taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought
you into this world, and I can take you out."
<><>

One from my friend Gina in Melbourne. Good one Gina, thanks.

Four guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick,
because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair for one of
them to stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Mick snored so
loudly , I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing, hair standing on end, eyes all bloodshot. "Man what happened
to you? You look awful."
"Man that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all
night.

The third night, was Bill's turn. He was a tanned older biker, a man's
man.... Next morning he came down to breakfast bright eyed and
bushy- tailed.

"Good morning" he said. They couldn't believe it.They said "Man what
happened?: He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and
tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the bottom and kissed him
goodnight on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night."

With age comes wisdom.
<><>

Some Will Rogers sayings, sent by my cousin Bill. Thanks, Bill.

"Never squat while wearing your spurs" Will Rogers who died in
a 1935 plane crash, was one of the greatest political sages this
country has ever known. Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip (pat) on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman.
Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream of the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put
it back in your pocket.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.

10. If you are riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now
and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than
putting it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he
started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and
shot him.

The Moral: When you are full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
<><>

"MY NEW BOYFRIENDS "was sent by my dear friend Karen in Utah.

I am seeing 5 gentlemen (give or take) every day.

As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed

Then I go to see John.

Then Charlie Horse comes along and when he's here he takes up a bit
of my time and attention.

When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He
doesn't like to stay in ne place for long so he takes me from joint to joint.

After a busy day, I'm really tired and very glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.
What a life.

Oh yes, I'm flirting with Al Zymer; or whatever his name is. I forget.

And I'm thinking of calling Jack Daniels, Jim Beam or Johnny Walker to
come over and keep me company.

Now remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper .... the closer it gets
to the end, the faster it goes.
So have fun, think "good thoughts" on;y, learn to laugh at yourself
and "count your blessings."
<><>

Last one tonight from my friend Lorraine who used to live over the road.

To save the economy, on January 21st, 2013, Julia Gillard will announce:

That she is ordering the Immigration Department to start deporting Old
People (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and
Medical costs.

Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back
home.

I started crying when I thought of you . . . . .See you on the bus.
<><>

Time to close folks. I hope you got at least one smile from that lot.
Take great care of yourselves and each other and find something
of joy in your days. Have a good week. My love and best wishes
to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 760 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 30th October, 2011.

It's Gonna Be Alright.

2011-10-23T14:25:00.009+11:00

Post 759 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 23rd October, 2011.

Hello My Friends ~ ~ These weeks go by so quickly, so here we are again.
I trust the world is treating you all right and your health is as well as
possible. Just at present i am feeling quite well, so hope that continues
for some time. My son Geoff and his wife Joanne came up from the
outskirts of Melbourne on Friday night and stayed most of Sunday here.
It was great to see them as it has been a while.

As usual, Geoff spent quite a while weeding and trimming up my garden,
so it all looks tidy and with quite a lot of flowers looking lovely I am most
grateful for all Geoff does as they are things I cannot do any more.
Jo helped too picking up the piles of grass etc for the bin, and washed
our dishes as she usually does. So thanks to them both.

John is still away this weekend but will be home tomorrow and I think
Fluff goes home then. I will miss her, but I do want to spread some snail
killer out among my young seedlings etc.

Today's first item is from Mountain Wings and is written by Jerri Ludlam
from Alabama and is called "It's gonna Be Alright."

Mahala (my six year old with Down Syndrome) and I went to the grocery
store this morning and as we entered, I noticed a lady in maybe about
her 60s and she was obviously upset over something.

I put Mahala in the buggy with her Teddy Bear and started shopping. As
I gathered a few things, I went to put a bag of potatoes in the buggy
and realized I was going to have to get Mahala out to make room.

As I put the potatoes in the buggy, I heard Mahala behind me. She had
walked up to the lady and said, "What's wrong Darlin'?" Then she hugged
the lady's legs and repeated, "What's wrong?" The lady knelt down and
said, "Nothing baby, I'm just a little upset." Then Mahala hugged her and
handed her bear to the lady and said, "Here, have my bear." Mahala then
walked back to our buggy.

In a few minutes, the lady approached us and gave Mahala back her bear and
thanked her. Mahala said, "You're welcome . . "it's OK Baby" Then the lady
said to me,"Can I talk to you for a moment?" I told her, of course
she could.

She said "I got a phone call this morning and my daughter's newborn
baby was tested for Down Syndrome. We won't have the results back
for two weeks. I couldn't understand how this terrible thing could happen
to us. God sent your daughter to let me know it is going to be OK.
Thank you for choosing today to get your groceries.?"

I got chill bumps all over ....I was speechless.!!
<><>

Now for some jokes. The first one was sent by my blogging friend, Jim.
It is called "The Longest Password." Thank you Jim.

We laugh -- but her I.D. is safe.

During a recent password audit by Google, it was found that a blonde
was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDewey
DonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes
and said: "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters long and include
at least one capital."
<><><>

Next one came from my friend in Queensland, Lee. Thank you.
It is called "INNER PEACE."

If you can start your day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give
you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs . . . . .

,,,, Then You Are Probably . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .The Family Dog !!!!

And you thought I was going to get all spiritual !!!
<><>

One from Pearly Gates called "Fred's Final Note."

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in hospital, near death.
The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition seemed to
deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol'
Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he
placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he
was wearing the same jacket as when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You
know Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I am sure there's
a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note and read, "Please step to your left - you're
standing on my oxygen tube."
<><>

"Better Than a Flu Shot" was sent by my friend Lady Di.
Thank you for this one Dianne.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist was in her eighties and had never
married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her and was shown into
her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat, while she made some tea. As he sat
facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water,
and of all things floated a condom.

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The
pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
it's strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could
no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice," he said,I wonder if you would tell me about this?",
pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes, isn't it wonderful?"

"I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found
this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it
on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the
spread of disease. Do you know, I have not had the flu all Winter?"
<><>

One from my friend Gina in Melbourne. Thanks Gina.

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant
outside the Christmas Island Centrelink Office.

"My good man," the fairy said, "I've been told by Julia Gillard to grant
you 3 wishes, since you have just arrived in Australia with your seven
children -- all costs to be borne to the Australian tax payers."

"Well in Sri Lanka where I come from, we don't have good teeth, so I
want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."
The fairy looked st the man's almost toothless grin and - PING--

The Asylum seeker refugee claimant had a brand new shining set of
gold teeth in his mouth. "What else?" said the fairy, "2 more wishes."

The Asylum Seeker now got bolder.
"I want a big house with a 3 car garage on the Gold Coast with eight
bedrooms and a Gold Visa Card in each room - for my family and the
rest of my refugee relatives who still live in Sri Lanka.I want to bring
them all over her." -- PING --

In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a 3 car
garage, a long driveway, Patio with BBQ and a sparkling swimming
pool and a BMW plus all his nephews playing their music.

"One more left for you," said the fairy waving her wand.
The Asylum Seeker Refugee claimant really decided to go for broke
now and said, "I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead
of the rags and shawl and I want to have white skin like Australians."

-- PING -- The man was transformed, wearing worn out Stubby
Shorts, a dirty Bonds T shirt and a terry towel hat.He had his bad teeth
back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new
house? Where is my Visa Gold Card?" The fairy said, . . .

"Tough Luck. Now that you are Australian, you're entitled to
"Sweet Nothing", just like the rest of us."
<><>

Last one for this post. I have done it amid 3 loads of washing
mainly freshening up my summer gear. So I got to this earlier.
It is a Pearly Gates one called "Pete Died."

Mrs Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her
husband's obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that
it was a dollar a word, and he remembered Pete and wasn't
it sad about him passing away.

She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact
that she only had two dollars. But she wrote the obituary,
"Pete died."

The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and
he would give her three more words.
Mrs Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary.

"Pete Died. Boat for sale."
<><>

Bye for now my friends. I have a few more jobs to do before
it gets dark. We had a great warm day 30C which is 86F
and I don't want it any warmer. Good for laundry, though.
Take good care of yourselves and each other my friends.
My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 759 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 23rd October, 2011.
<><><>

The Rain.

2011-10-16T17:25:00.014+11:00

Post 758 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 16th October, 2011.

Hello again My Friends ~~ It is nice and sunny here today and has been
quite a bit warmer with no heater on the last few days. I hope the weather
is pleasant where you are and your lives are going well. I am doing fine at
present and hope you are, as well. I still have my little doggie, Fluff with
me, and I planted a few more seeds today - some beans and spring onions.
So I hope they grow into edible beans and onions.

The first item tonight was sent by my good friend Patricia and is called --
"The Rain". Thanks Patty it is a lovely story.

It was a busy morning about 8:30 when an elderly gentleman in his
80s arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb.
He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00am.
I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be
over an hour before someone could see him.

I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy
with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was
well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed
supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another
doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.

The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing
home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health.

He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a
victim of Alzheimer's Disease.

As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.

He replied that she so longer knew who he was, that she had not
recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised and asked him, "and you still go every morning,
even though she doesn't know who you are?"

He smiled as he patted my hand and said, - - -

"She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is.

I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my
arm and thought - - - -

That is the kind of love I want in my life.

True love is neither physical nor romantic.

True love is an acceptance of all that is, Has been, will be, and
will not be.

The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything.
They just make the best of everything they have.

Life isn't about how to survive the storm,
but how to dance in the rain.
<><>

First joke tonight was a Pearly Gates one. "Drug Inspection."

A DEA (Drug Enforcement Administration) officer stops at a
ranch in Montana and talks with an old rancher.
He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally
grown drugs."

The old rancher says, " Okay, but do not go in that field over
there," as he points to the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes, saying, "Mister, I have the
authority of the federal government with me." Reaching into his
rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it
to the farmer. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed
to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or
answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his
chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams
and sees the DEA officer running for his life, chased close behind by
the rancher's prize bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems
likely he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly
terrified.

The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells
at the top of his lungs, "Your badge. Show him your badge."
<><>

My son John sent me the next one called "Grandparents." Thanks.
The following were taken from papers by a class of 8 year olds.

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
Grandparents are a lady or a man who have no little children
of their own. They like other peoples.

A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady.

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we
come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run.
It is good when they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like
pretty leaves or caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and
also why we shouldn't step on cracks.

They don't say "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like, "Why isn't God married?
and "How come dogs chase cats?"

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we
ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you
don't have television, because they are the only grownups who
like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snacks before bedtime and they say
prayers with us and kiss us even if we have been bad.

My grandmother lives at the airport and when we want her,
we just go get her. Then when we are done having her visit,
we just take her back to the airport.

Grandpa is the smartest man on Earth. He teaches me good
things, but I don't get to see him enough to be as smart as him.
<><>

My dear friend Margaret in Q'ld sent me the next two jokes.
Thank you Margaret.

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very
upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria said, "Well Senora, there are 3 reasons why I wanna
increase. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason is that I cook better than you."
Wife: "Your husband did."

Wife increasingly agitated, "Oh, he did did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better than you in bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth, "And did my
husband say that?"
Maria: "No Senora . . . . . The gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
<><>
My One Day of Employment.

So after landing my new job as a Woolworths greeter, a good
find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. . . . .
About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud, and
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her
two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning and
welcome to Woolworths. Nice children you have there. Are they
twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell, no
they ain't twins. The oldest ones is 9, and the other one is seven.
Why the hell would you think they were twins? Are you blind, or
just stupid?"

So I replied, "I am neither blind nor stupid Ma'am, I just couldn't
believe someone shagged you twice.. Have a good day and thank
you for shopping at Woolworths."

My supervisor said I was probably not cut out for this line of work.
<><>

Last one tonight came from my good friend Lady Di. It is called
Lawn Care. Thank you Dianne.

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past
loaded up with rolls of sod.

I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde 1.
"Do what?" asked Blonde 2.

"Send out my lawn to be mowed." replied Blonde 1.
<><>

Well enough for tonight, I hope you found something of interest
and maybe a smile or two. Take great care dear friends and
enjoy your lives. Be kind to each other. My love and best wishes
to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 758 ~ ~ Sunday, 16th October, 2011.
<><><>

Never Assume.

2011-10-09T14:05:00.013+11:00

Post 757 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 9th October, 2011.

Hello My Friends ~~ I hope your lives are going well and you are happy.
I am well and happy. My son John is safely home from his bike rides to
Mackay Q'ld, and then the weekend in Tasmania. Tassie (as we call it)
is the only state of Australia that is not on the mainland.

There are enormous ships that take cars, bikes, caravans etc over the
water to Tassie. John had a great time, and is very lucky to be able
to do all the trips he does and to get time off from work. I am always
relieved when he gets home. He is a good safe driver, but who knows
what others may do?

Well on to some stories and jokes . . . . .
The first one was sent by my cousin Bill. Good one, thanks Bill.

ALWAYS ASK< NEVER ASSUME !!!

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell
phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go".

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the
valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the
hillside."
"Why," asked the pilot.

"Because I'm a photographer for CNN' he responded, " and I need to get
some close- up shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally stammered, "So, what
you are telling me is.....you are NOT my flight instructor?"
<><>

Another from Bill called "DRY SLIPPERS"

This should increase by clicking on the picture to read the message.
<><>

One from my friend in Canberra, Linda. Thank you my friend.

TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY.
WOMEN.
Two female friends are catching up:
"So how was your evening last night?

"A disaster. After getting home, my dearly beloved hubby wolfed down
in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted"
me 3 minutes of passionate love, before rolling over and falling asleep
2 minutes later. And you?"

"Oh mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home
from work.. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked
back home, under an amazing sky, along the canal, for a good two hours.
Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for
an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until
late. It was wonderful.......

MEN.....
Meanwhile at the rub, the husbands are "networking" ........
"So how was your night last night?"

"Great. When I came home the food was ready. I ate, we shagged
and I fell asleep. You?"

"A nightmare. I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched
on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.
Couldn't find the bloody fuse-box, so when my better half arrived I took her
out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear full... Dinner was so
expensive that I couldn't afford a taxi back home, so we had to walk home.
Once there the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all
these darn candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up
that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another hour to come.
In the end, I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while
she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing . . . ."
<><>

A Pearly Gates item called "Gorilla Removal."

Did I tell you the story about the day I arrived home from work and discovered
a gorilla sitting on my roof? Not knowing what to do, I opened the Yellow Pages
and looked up "Gorilla Removal". I called the only listing.

A man quickly arrived and removed the following equipment from his truck:
a ladder, a bunch of bananas, a big stick, a pair of handcuffs, a Chihuahua,
and a gun.

As I was appropriately curious, I asked him what he was going to do with all
that stuff.
The man replied, " I'm going to use the ladder to get on the roof, then I'm
going to throw the bananas to the gorilla. While he is busy eating them, I'm
going to knock him off the roof.

When he hits the ground the Chihuahua is going to bite him in the groin, at
which time the gorilla will throw his hands in the air, and you slap the cuffs
on him."
I asked, "What about the gun?"

The man handed me the gun and said, "Sometimes the gorilla knocks me off
the roof. If that happens, you shoot the Chihuahua."
<><>

One from my friend in Q'ld, Warren. Thanks Mate.

WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH !!!

Bubba had shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office
should appreciate this. Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are
running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba.

Bubba walked into the doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what
he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name and address
medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came and asked Bubba what he had...
Bubba said, "Shingles," So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete
medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said,
"Shingles." So the nurse gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an
electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the
nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles."

The doctor asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck.Where do you want me to unload them?"

Hope this makes you laugh out loud like I did. These days we need all the
laughter we can get.
<><>

Last one tonight was in a magazine called My favourite joke and is
credited to George Clooney. It was a while ago.

A woman woke up one night to find that her husband wasn't in bed. She
put on her dressing gown and went downstairs to find him sitting at the
kitchen table. He looked deep in thought, just staring at the wall. Then
she saw him wipe a tear from his eye.

"What's the matter dear?" she asked.
"Do you remember when your Dad caught us making love in the back seat
of my car 20 years ago?"
"Yes, I remember." she said.

"Remember him shoving that shotgun in my face and saying, "Either you
marry my daughter or you spend 20 years in jail."
"Yes, I do," she nodded.

The man wiped away a tear and said: "You know.... I'd have been
released today."
<><>

Well time to finish off for tonight. Look after yourselves my friends, and
take care of your loved ones. Find some joy in every day and be happy.
My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 757 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 9th October, 2011.
<><><>

Flashlight.

2011-10-02T20:40:00.009+11:00

Post 756 ~ ~ Sunday, 2nd October, 2011.

Hello Everyone ~ ~ These weeks go by so quickly, but here we are again. I hope
all is well with you all and your health is as good as possible and the weather
to your liking.

I had a very brief visit from my daughter Kathy and her two youngest girls.
They had been visiting the eldest girl with the restaurant, and I hear they
washed quite a few dishes for her, and Kathy and Jorja did some painting.

Kate and her boyfriend, Scott have just bought a house with 6 acres of land.
So Kathy took her horse up to her Storm, - not that she has much time to ride.
Her brother Joh also lives with them, so most of the family enjoyed the visit.

They wouldn't let me wash or dry a dish, but they were only here for dinner
Friday night and left after lunch on Saturday as Kristen had to work.
Kathy asked if I needed anything from the shops, or any jobs to do. I said
No to both as there wasn't time for that. Then decided I wanted a heated
foot massager as my feet are always cold, and numb. It seems to be good.

Then Kathy insisted it was my Christmas present and wouldn't let me pay.
It was lovely to see them all and they will probably be back in a couple of
months. I forgot to take photos, so found some from last year.

Three grandchildren Jorja 13, Kristen 18 and Nicholas 16. He didn't come as
someone had to stay home with Dad and help milk and I hear he has been cooking.
He made a jelly slice which was a good effort and various other things.

Kathy and her three youngest kids. Just ignore Nick as he didn't want to smile.

Last but not least, Jorja,, Kristen and Me . We are ignoring Nick cos he won' t smile.

First item tonight was sent from Mountain Wings. I hope you enjoy Flashlight.

Most parents have had some experience with kids waking up with bad dreams,
at some point or another. If not bad dreams then surely every parent has
had to deal with invisible monsters, monsters hiding in the closet or under beds.

Recently my wife and I had a bout with our oldest son waking us out of the
comfort of our warm bed to come to his room and scare of something, that
was fear itself.

It was three in the morning and even though it can be the sweetest word on
earth when you get home from work, it's not so sweet when heard at 3 am.
"Daddy"
I came into my son's room to see what the problem was, The first time,it was
"I think I saw something."
The second time it was, I think I heard something."
The third time it was, "I'm just scared."

I had to get up early in the morning and go to work. I am a very patient man
but my sleepiness was wearing my patience down. The wee hours of the
morning had me delirious so I warned him, "If you call me one more time, I'm
going to give you something to be afraid of." Two minutes later,. . . .
"Daddy"

I came into the room and staying true to my promise, even though it hurt my
heart to do so, I gave him a tap on the leg; after all I had to get some sleep.
Walking back to my bed like a weary victor of war. I said, "It wasn't easy, but
that took care of that." Five minutes later . . . .
"Daddy."

I lay in my bed for a while at my wit's end on what to do. I had given up.
I knew if I went and slept in his room with him, he would want me to do it
every night, he felt fear. I lay there when in the still of the night, a light
popped on in my head. It was a literal light. I saw a picture in my head of
a flashlight.

I immediately got out of bed, went to the hall closet and got the flashlight
out and took it to my son's room and told him, "Light has a special power to
make monsters go away. When you think you see or hear something, just
turn on the flashlight and shine it in the direction and whatever it is will
have to go away."

I went back to bed and listened for a few minutes, then I saw a circle of
light shining in my son's room. I waited to hear the demanding "Daddy."
But all I heard was the stillness of the night.

The same principle is true in the lives of adults. Many times we are afraid
of that which can do us no harm. Our flashlight can be knowledge; most
of the time we fear what we don't understand. As we become more
enlightened on something that seems scary, Peace will come.

The light doesn't really scare monsters living in the shadows, it just changes
our eyesight to see the room, the business, the school, the marriage, and
the assignment is not as scary as it looked without the light on.

Whatever you are afraid of, shine some light on it.
<><>

Now to find a few jokes - -First one also from Mountain Wings called
"Cussing in Church."

This is an old joke and I have laughed out loud every time I hear it.
A great grandmother i know extremely well sent it to my again.

A crusty old man walks in to the local Church and says to the secretary,
"I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, " I beg your pardon sir, I must have
misheard you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I wanted to join this damn church."

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform
him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have
to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office, and the
pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no problem," the man says, "I just won $200 million in the
damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of it."

"I see," says the pastor. And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
<><>

One sent by my dear friend, Jeanette who used to blog a while back.

A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel, the medicine is so advanced that we
cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in six weeks
he is looking for work."

The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part
of the brain out of a person and put it in another person's head, and in
4 weeks, he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out
half of the heart from a person and put it in another person's chest
and in 2 weeks, he is looking for work."

The Australian doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues,
you are way behind us. . . In Aussie we grabbed a person with no brains,
no heart, no balls . . . we made her Prime Minister of Australia and now . . .
the whole bloody country is looking for work !!!!"
<><>

A Pearly Gates item called "Dead Mule."

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered
a dead mule in the church yard. He called the Police, but since there
was no sign of foul play, the police referred the preacher to the Health
Department. They said, since there was no health threat, that he
should ring the Sanitation department.

The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without
authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor, and was not too eager to call him.

The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with.
but the preacher rang him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave
at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it
your job to bury the dead?"

The preacher paused and then replied, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to
bury the dead., but I always like to notify the next of kin first."
<><>

One from my friend in Queensland. Thanks Warren for "Twenty Dollars."

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband
and asked for $20.00 for their first love making encounter. In his
highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was
repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him
thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other
incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her
husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he
explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of
59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what
he had been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty
years of steady deposits and interest totally nearly $1,000,000.Then
she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were
worth over $2 million, and informed him, they were one of the largest
depositors of the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had ;charged' him
for sex. the holdings had multiplied and were the results of her saving
and investments.

Faced with the evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million
her husband was so astounded he could barely speak but finally he
found his voice and blurted out, "If I had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business."

That's when she shot him.

You know sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
<><>

Last one tonight from my Canberra friend Linda. Thank you for
"Why Ethel Changed Motels."

Last week Ethel checked into a motel and she was a bit lonely.She thought
"I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone-books for escorts
and sexual massages." She looked through the phone book and found a
whole page ad for a guy calling himself 'Tender Tony'- a very handsome
man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long
powerful legs, dazzling smile, six-pack abs and she felt quite certain
she could bounce a coin off his bum.

She figured, what the heck - nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call
"Good morning, ma'am, how may I help you?" Oh my, he sounded sooo
sexy. Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right
in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I's like you to come to my
motel room and give me one."

"No. wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what
I really want is sex. I want it hot and I want it now. Bring implements
toys, rubber. leather whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
"We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate
syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything. I'm ready.now -
How does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press
9 for an outside line."
<><>

Well time to say Goodnight. Our daylight saving started today, so now we
are an hour ahead of Queensland as they don't have it. My son John rang
tonight from Gympie where he is staying the night with my brother Peter.
They have always got on so well. Then he heads for Brisbane to see his
two grandkids and their Mum, Rachael and will stay the night at Bec's house
and then head for home. Then he is off to Tasmania for a couple of days,

Take good care of yourselves my friends and be kind to one another.
Love and Best Wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 756 ~ ~ Sunday, 2nd October, 2011.
<><><>

Snapdragons.

2011-09-25T15:20:00.010+10:00

Post 755 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 25th September, 2011.

Hello My Friends ~~ How is the world treating you -- all well I hope.
I am going OK and the weather is sunny but not overly warm yet,
The washing gets dry which is great, but I have to water my plants.
I cooked a big casserole overnight in my Slow cooker and this morning
made some dumplings to cook in the top of it, Nice and tasty and
I have some for John when he calls in later.

My friend, Warren fron Queensland sent me a nice e mail with the
picture and title of "Snapdragons". Thanks Mate !!!
~~FROM ME TO YOU~~

Nice patch of pretty Snapdragons.

I just wanted you to know that I have reached the snapdragon part of my life.
Part of me has snapped and the rest is dragging.

Here is the plan: send these flowers to four people you want to have a great day.
I picked you. If you don't have 4 friends, then don't bother sending any.

This is so positive and there is nothing attached . . . . . Let's continue to send this
along. Have a bright sunny day.

A friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg, even though you're
slightly cracked. Or Sometimes slightly scrambled.

May you always have Love to share.
Health to spare and
Friends who care.

From one of your slightly cracked friends.
<><>
One written by B. J. Morbitzer.

May you always have :

Enough happiness to keep you sweet,

Enough trials to keep you strong,

Enough sorrow to keep you human,

Enough hope to keep you happy

Enough failure to keep you humble,

Enough success to keep you eager,

Enough friends to give you comfort.

Enough wealth to meet your needs,

Enough enthusiasm to look forward,

Enough faith to banish depression.

Enough determination to make each day better than yesterday.
<><>

A Pearly Gates item. Six Days in Jail.

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting.
When she went before the judge, he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was
hungry. The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, " Six."

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's
husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, " She also stole a can of peas."
<><>

I had a really nice story to post today about a dog named Daisy who
supposedly rescued nearly 1000 people from the 9/11 disasters, but
found out it was a hoax. So I am going to re-post an oldie but a goody.

CURTAIN RODS; sent by Linda in Canberra, as was the Daisy story.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases. On the second day she had the movers come and collect
her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining
room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and
feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited
a few half eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the
curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with
his new girlfriend, all was bliss for a few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning,
mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air
fresheners were hung, everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set
off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and
in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpet.
Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not
find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their
calls.
Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase
a new place.
The ex -wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the
saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old
home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in
exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price
that was about one tenth of what the house had been worth, but only if she
were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the
moving company pack everything to take to their new home........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods !!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
<><>

A MOUNTAIN WINGS ITEM. 10 WISDOMS for your HEALTH;

1. More Vegetables - Less Meat
2. More Vinegar -- Less Salt
3. More Fruits - - Less Sugar
4. More Chew - - - Less Food
5. More Walk - - - Less Ride
6. More Sleep - - - Less Worry
7. More Smile = = Less Frown
8. More Practice -- Less Thinking
9. More Praise - - Less Blame
10. More Charity -- Less Greed

From the Mago Cafe, Korean Health restaurant in Sedona, AZ.
<><>

Another one from Warren - - - Thank you.

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St Peter asked.
"Well. I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.

"On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers
who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone,
but they wouldn't listen.

So I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the
face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it to the ground.
I yelled, "Now back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you."

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Couple of minutes ago."
<><>

A few quotes to finish with tonight - - - -

No man can be wise on an empty stomach. ~ ~ George Eliot.

Dance alone and you can jump all you wish. ~ ~Greek Proverb.

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if
she has laid an asteroid. ~ ~ ~ Mark Twain.

One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.
~ ~ ~ Jane Austen.

Happiness is not perfected until it is shared. ~ ~ ~ Jane Porter.

Life is much too important a thing ever to talk seriously about it.
~ ~ ~ Oscar Wilde.

With mirth and laughter let the old wrinkles come. ~~ William Shakespeare.
<><>

Well it's time to say goodnight my friends, Enjoy tour lives and be kind to
one another. Love and best wishes. C heers, Merle.

Post 755 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 25th September, 2011.
<><><>

Bec's Surprise Visit.

2011-09-18T14:17:00.007+10:00

Post 754 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 18th September, 2011.

Hello My Friends ~~ How re things in your part of this world of
ours? I hope your lives are going well and it is not too hot or
too cold for you and no fires or floods at present.

All is well here ~ the weather has just been so pleasant and I
have had a wonderful week with my Queensland granddaughter
Rebecca. She and her Dad, John, and I have been on a few
trips. Also they did quite a lot of gardening for me, so I have
really enjoyed having Bec here and John took a couple of days
off his annual leave to spend more time with her.

A few photos below ~ ~ ~

Rebecca, Merle, and John.

John and Bec outside in garden.

John, Bec and Merle outdoors.

Well now to find something to post ~ ~ ~
First one is a Mountain Wings oncalled "Scratches."
While a man was polishing his new car, his 4 year old son
picked up a stone and scratched lines on the side of the car.

In anger, the man took the child's hand and hit it many
times; not realizing he was using a wrench,
At the hospital, the child lost all of his fingers due to
multiple fractures.

When the child saw his father. . . with painful eyes, he
asked, "Dad, when will my fingers grow back?"

The man was so hurt and speechless; he went back to his
car and kicked it a lot of times. Devastated by his own
actions sitting in front of that car he looked at the
scratches; the child had written ~~ "LOVE YOU DAD."

Anger and Love have no limits; Love to have a lovely life.
Things are to be used and people are to be loved.
But the problem in today's world is that,
People are often used and things are loved.

Let's be careful to keep this thought in mind:
Things are to be used, but People are to be loved.
<><>

Thanks my Canberra friend Linda for. "Sex on Mars."
I hope no-one is offended by this joke.

The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after
accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of
things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have
laptop computers, and how they make money etc.

Finally Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you
guys do it? The Martian responds,"Pretty much the way you do.

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap..
partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen
and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian
strips...He's got only a teeny weeny member about half an
inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me."

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead
with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member
grows until it is a quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still too
narrow."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With
each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the
entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman..
"Wow," she exclaims, as they fell on the bed and made
mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go
their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks,
"Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How
about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache.. She
kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
<><>

Two from Pearly Gates. "Elderly Proposal" and Elevated Train."

There were two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home
park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known
each other for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity
center. These two were at the same table across from each
other. As the meal went on he made a few admiring glances
at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will
you marry me?"After about six seconds of careful consideration,
she answered, "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they
went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled
"Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint
memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he
used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening. As he gained
a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked
you to marry me, did you say 'Yes' or 'No' ?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said Yes, yes I will.
and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I
am so glad you called, because I couldn't remember who had
asked me."
<><>

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago.. On this
particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrive
at their hotel and are shown to their room, the man says,
"You rest here while I register. I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed. Just then an elevated train
passes by very close to the window and shakes the room
so hard, she's thrown out of bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down
once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently.
she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front
desk and asks for the manager. He says he will be right up.
The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists
the story is true.

"Look,lie here on the bed. You'll be thrown right to the floor"
the woman says. So he lies down next to the wife. Just
then the husband walks in."What are you doing here?" he asks.

The manager replies,"Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
<><>

A few short one from my friend Patricia called "He said to me."
Thank you Patty.

He said to me.....I don't know why you wear a bra. You've got
nothing to put in it.
I said to him ......You wear pants don't you?

He said to me..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him ......That's a good idea - -you stand by the stove
and sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing.

He said to me.....What have you been doing with all the
grocery money I give you?
I said to him .... Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said to me ....Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him ..... They don't have time.

He said to me ..... How many men does it take to change
a toilet roll?
I said to him.......I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me .....Why is it difficult to find men who are
sensitive, caring and good-looking?
I said to him ....... They already have boyfriends.

He said to me ..... What do you call a woman who knows
where her husband is every night.
I said to him......A widow.

He said to me .... Why are married women heavier than
single women?
I said to him .. . . Single women come home, see what's
in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home,
see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
<><>

Last one tonight from Mountain Wings called "Tap Tap"

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and
decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for
laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were
startled by a tap tap tapping noise coming from the misty
shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with
a hammer and chisel, chopping away at one of the head-
stones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said, after catching his
breath. "You scared us half to death. We thought you were
a ghost. What are you doing here so late at night?"

"Those fools," the old man grumbled, "They misspelled my
name."
<><>

Well time to close this post. Bec rang from Brisbane airport
so is safely home again. Take good care of yourselves and
each other my friends. Find some joy in every day.
My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 754 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 18th September, 2011.
<><><>

Elephant Thorn.

2011-09-11T16:50:00.009+10:00

Post 753 ~ ~ Sunday, 11th September, 2011.

Hello My Friends, I hope you are all doing well and are not too sad on this
very sad day. My thoughts and prayers are with all those who lost loved
ones on that fateful day, which we sincerely hope and pray will never
be repeated again. It is on all our minds today.

I chose a bright Spring scene with birds singing and telling us that the
Summer is on the way.

I love the kookaburra, and the mudlark or periwinkle and the little bird.

I got the best surprise this afternoon, when my football team won the final
they were in and live to play again next week. AND my granddaughter Bec
from Brisbane flew in and came to stay for a week. So I sure will enjoy that
and I hope she does also. What a surprise !!!

So as a result, I will type a couple of jokes and make it a brief post.

First one tonight is called "Elephant Thorn." from Pearly Gates.

A man goes to Africa on a safari. While there he comes upon an
elephant in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. The man, very
carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the thorn
from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns and stares
at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him. The elephant then
continues on its way.

"I wonder ifI ever see that elephant again if it will remember me?" the
man muses to himself.

A few years later. and the man is at a circus back in the States. He
notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost like it
KNOWS him. The man wonders, "Could this be the elephant I helped
so long ago?" He decides to get a closer look. With the elephant still
giving him the stare-down, the man moves closer, getting right in front
of the elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to cross the
elephant's face.

It reaches down....picks up the man carefully with it's trunk.....lifts him
high in the air.... and THROWS HIM CRASHING TO THE GROUND AND
STOMPS HIM TO DEATH !!

Turns out, it wasn't THAT elephant.
<><>

One from my friend Patty, "Italian Grandma's Advice", Thank you.

A young Italian girl was going on a date.
Her Nonno said, "Sita here and leta me tella you about this younga boy."

He's gonna try ana kiss you, you are gonna like dat, but don't let him do dat.
He's gonna try and kiss your breasts, you are gonna like dat too, but don't
let him do dat either.

But mosta important, he's gonna try ana lay on topa you, you are gonna
really like dat, but don'ta let him do dat for sure.
Doing thata will disgrace our family.

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

The next day, she told Grandma that her date went just like she had
predicted: "And Nonno, I didn't let him disgrace our family as you said.

When he tried to lay on top of me, I just rolled him over, got on top
of him, and disgraced HIS family."

Nonno fainted.

<><>
One from my Canberra friend, Linda. "Cashing a cheque."

Julia Gillard went into a bank. As she approached the cashier she said,
"Good Morning. Could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier, "It would be my pleasure Ma'am. Could you please show your ID?"

Julia: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn''t think there was
any need to. I am Prime Minister of Australia, Julia Gillard.

Cashier: "Yes I know who you are, but with the regulations, monitoring,
of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc, I must insist on
seeing your ID."

Julia: " Just ask anyone here in the bank, who I am and they will tell you.
Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry Ms Gillard but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Julia: "I am urging you please to cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look Ms Prime Minister this is what we can do."

One day, Greg Norman came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Greg
Norman he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank
into a cup. With that shot, we knew he was Greg Norman and cashed his cheque.

Another time, Pat Cash came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet
and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that
spectacular shot, we cashed his cheque.

So, Ms Prime Minister, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only
you, as the Prime Minister of Australia?"

Julia stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says, "Honestly. there
is nothing that comes to mind. I can't think of a single qualification I'm good at."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Ms Gillard?"
<><>

Last one tonight is also from Linda. "Payback for Women." Thank you Linda.

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like Bananas - the older they get the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders. You need one but you are not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head
straight for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department stores..Their clothes are usually 1/2 off.
8. Men are like Government Bonds..They take soooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they are coming,
how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest
are handicapped.
<><>

Well enough for tonight my friends. Take care of yourselves and each
other and enjoy your lives. Love and best wishes to you all.
Cheers, Merle.

Post 753 ~ ~ Sunday, 11th September, 2011.
<><><>

The Richest Man on the Bus.

2011-09-04T17:21:00.006+10:00

Post 752 ~~ Sunday, 4th September, 2011.

Hello my friends ~~ I hope everything in your lives is going
well and that you are all happy and content. I am doing fine.
It has been a lovely sunny day, and I had a visit from my
cousins, Phyl, Gordon and Phyl's sister Edna. They even
brought chicken and salad for our lunch, which was lovely as
I haven't had many salads lately. That time is coming as the
weather gets warmer.
A very Happy Father's Day to all the Aussie Dads.
I took a few photos from my garden so will show you these - -

Some daisies by my front gate.

A rhododendrom which nearly always has a flower.

A red camelia with large flowers

A pink variegated camelia covered in blooms.

It is amazing how these bushes grow and flower with very little care.
They need a bit of trimming back, which I cannot do myself.

"The Richest Man on the Bus" which was a Mountain Wings
item.
He is on my bus only occasionally, a worn man in crumpled
clothing with disheveled hair. His life looks different from the
rest of us. We are mostly middle income. His face is etched
with exhaustion and he carries virtually no belongings. We
drive ourselves to the parking lot. He appears along a busy
road seemingly out of nowhere. We sometimes wonder
where he slept the night before.

A few weeks ago he boarded the bus, took one of the side
facing seats and as he typically does and looked down at
the floor.

A few stops later a young woman boarded, a regular rider who
speaks good but not native English. She swipes her bus pass
only to find the machine will not accept it. The driver told her
she would have to deposit the $2.25 fare, "I just bought this
card," she said. "I paid the money."

The driver said she could take the card back to the sales office
and explain the problem. In the meantime she would have to
pay the fare for today. The woman became distressed and didn't
understand why she would have to pay the fare. The rest of us
just watched wondering how the problem would be solved.

Suddenly the crumpled clothed man rose from his seat, dropped
a jingle of coins into the coin box and sat back down, his eyes
returning to the floor. His act was so unobtrusive that the
distressed passenger didn't even realize what had happened.

"You're good," said the bus driver, "he paid for you." The bus
driver repeated it and pulled away from the curb. A hush fell
over the bus. The rest of us had watched the woman's
discomfort, he felt it.We wondered absently how the dilemma
would be resolved. He resolved it.

We lawyers, journalists, business people were headed down-
town to help fix the world. He fixed her world. We could have
paid the $2.25 and never missed it. It's easy to imagine that
was his fare home.

You never know when you'll be in the presence of greatness
or of grace. To the world my fellow passenger looked like a
man in need of solutons. I had looked at him and saw only
what he lacked.

By the time he stepped off the bus that morning, it was
obvious that he was a richer man than the rest of us. He had
enough to open his eyes and his heart to a stranger, enough
to give of what he had and trust life fir the rest.

I haven't seen him since that day. Some people believe angels
occasionally drop down and move among us. All I know is that
I have a new respect for the simple act of kindness. It keeps
the bus rolling and speeds us along the way.

~~Krista Ramsey; Cincinnati Enquirer. 2010.
<><>
Now for some jokes -- an old one from my N.Z cousin Karyn.

A man and his wife walked into the dentist's office. The man
said to the dentist, "Doc I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have 2
buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to play golf so
forget about the anaesthetic. I don't have time for the gums
to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth and be done."

We have a 10 am tee time at the best golf course in town
and it's 9.30 already. I don't have time for the anaesthetic."

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely
a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without any
pain killers."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey,
and show him."
<><>
Another from Karyn. Thank you Karyn for "The Halfwit."

A man owned a small farm in Ireland. The Irish Internal
Revenue determined he was not paying proper wages to his
staff and sent an investigator out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them"
demanded the investigator.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who has been
with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and
board. The cook has been here for 18 months and I pay her
$150 per week, plus free room and board."

"Then there's the halfwit. He works about 18 hours every day
and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes
about $10 a week. He pays his own room and board, and I buy
him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps
with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to . . .the halfwit.?

"That would be me," replied the farmer.
<><>
One from my friend Barbara.Thank you for "Giving up Wine."

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who
asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet
got out $10 and asked "If I give you this money, will you buy
wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago." the homeless woman said.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?"

"No, I don't waste time shopping." the homeless woman said.
"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?"I asked.

"Are you NUTS?" replied the homeless woman. I haven't had
"my hair done in 20 years."

"Well", I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead I
am going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me
tonight."

The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be
furious with you for doing that? I know I am dirty, and I
probably smell pretty disgusting."

I said, "That's Okay. It's important for him to see what a
woman looks like after she has given up shopping, drinking
wine, and hair appointments."
<><>
A few shorter jokes from the papers - - -

Woman: "I'd like to order the steak and kiddley pie, please."
Waiter: You mean the steak and kidney pie."
Woman: "That's what I said diddle I?"
<><>

The Sunday school teacher asked her class, "Can anyone
tell me where God lives?"
One little boy said, "In the bathroom."
"What makes you say that?" asked the teacher.
" Well," replied the boy, "every morning my dad thumps on
the bathroom door and shouts, "God are you still in there?"
<><>

Murphy asked Paddy to guess how many rabbits were in the
bag. "If you get it right, you can have them both."
Paddy answered, "Three?"
<><>

My five year old cousin recently told me she didn't like to stay
in the sun too long, because of the "extra violent" rays.
<><>

Q. What are two things you can't have for breakfast?
A. Lunch and dinner.
<><>
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
Take away his credit card.

A police officer stops a young blonde woman for speeding
and politely asks to see her license.
Huffily the blonde says, "I wish you people would make up
your mind. Just yesterday, you take away my license and then
today you expect me to show it to you.
<><>

Quote of the day - - -

I don't mind coming to work, but the eight hour wait to go
home is damn awful.

Take great care of yourselves and each other. Find something
to smile about every day and be happy. My love and best
wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 752 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 4th September, 2011.
<><><>

A Father, Daughter and a Dog.

2011-08-28T15:16:00.005+10:00

Post 751 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 28th August, 2011.

Hello My Friends ~~ My thoughts and prayers are with all those who live on
the East coast of America in danger from the Hurricane Irene. I sympathize
with families who have lost loved ones and I do hope the damage and loss
of life will be less than predicted. It has certainly changed so many lives,
with the closing of airports around the country and the Subway in New York.
I hope that the evacuations have saved many lives.

The weather here is pleasant and I am doing well at present. As I have a long
story I will get straight into it.

The story tonight is "A Father, Daughter and a Dog," sent by my friend Kim.
Thank you Kim - I hope your world is fine.
This story was written by Catherine Moore. Hope you enjoy.

"Watch out. You nearly broad sided that car" my father yelled at me. "Can't
you do anything right?"
Those words hurt more than blows. I turned my head towards the elderly
man in the seat beside me, daring me to challenge him. A lump arose in my
throat as I averted my eyes. I wasn't prepared for another battle.

"I saw the car Dad. Please don't yell at me when I'm driving." My voice was
measured and steady, sounding far calmer than I really felt.
Dad glared at me, then turned away and settled back. At home I left Dad
in front of the television and went outside to collect my thoughts . . . dark
heavy clouds hung in the air with a promise of rain. The rumble of thunder
seemed to echo my inner turmoil. What could I do about him?

Dad had been a lumberjack in Washington and Oregon. He had enjoyed being
outdoors and had reveled in pitting his strength against the forces of nature.
He had entered grueling lumberjack competitions and was placed often. The
shelves in the house were filled with trophies attested to his prowess.

The years marched on relentlessly. The first time he couldn't lift a heavy log,
he joked about it but later that same day I saw him outside alone straining
to lift it. He became irritable whenever anyone teased him about advancing age,
or when he couldn't do something he had done as a younger man.

Four days after his sixty-seventh birthday, he had a heart attack. An ambulance
sped him to hospital while a paramedic administered CPR to keep blood and oxygen
flowing.
At the hospital, Dad was rushed into the operating room. He was lucky, he survived.
But something in Dad died. His zest for life was gone. He obstinately refused to follow
doctor's orders. Suggestions and offers of help were turned aside with sarcasm and
insults. The number of visitors thinned, then finally stopped altogether. Dad was left
alone. . .
My husband Dick, and I asked Dad to come live with us on our small farm. We hoped
the fresh air and rustic atmosphere would help him adjust.

Within a week after he moved in, I regretted the invitation. It seemed nothing was
satisfactory. He criticized everything I did. I became frustrated and moody. Soon
I was taking my pent-up anger out on Dick. We began to argue and bicker.

Alarmed, Dick sought out our pastor and explained the situation. The clergyman
set up weekly counseling appointments for us. At the close of each session, he
prayed, asking God to soothe Dad's troubled mind.

But the month wore on and God was silent. Something had to be done and it
was up to me to do it.
The next day I sat down with the phone book and methodically called each of
the mental health clinics listed in the Yellow Pages. I explained my problem
to each of the sympathetic voices that answered in vain.

Just when I was giving up hope, one of the voices suddenly exclaimed, "I just
read something that might help you. Let me go get the article..."
I listened as she read. The article described a remarkable study done at a
nursing home. All of the patients were under treatment for chronic depression.
Yet their attitudes had improved dramatically when they were given responsibility
for a dog.
I drove to the animal shelter that afternoon. After I filled out a questionnaire, a
uniformed officer led me to the kennels. The odor of disinfectant stung my nostrils
as I moved down the row of pens. Each contained five to seven dogs. Long
haired dogs, curly haired dogs,black dogs, spotted dogs all jumped up, trying
to reach me.
I studied each one but rejected one after the other for various reasons - too
big, too small, too much hair. As I neared the last pen a dog in the shadows of
the far corner struggled to his feet, walked to the front of the run and sat down.
It was a pointer, one of the dog world's aristocrats, but this was a caricature
of the breed.
Years had etched his face and muzzle with shades of gray. His hip bones jutted
out in lopsided triangles. But it was his eyes that caught and held my attention.
Calm and clear, they beheld me unwaveringly.

I pointed to the dog, "Can you tell me about him?" The officer looked, then shook
his head in puzzlement. "He's a funny one. Appeared out of nowhere and sat in
front of the gate. We brought him in, figuring someone would be right down to
claim him. That was two weeks ago and we've heard nothing. His time is up
tomorrow." He gestured helplessly.

As the words sank in I turned to the man in horror "You mean you're going to
kill him?" "Ma'am," he said gently, "that's our policy. We don't have room for
every unclaimed dog."

I looked at the pointer again. The calm brown eyes awaited my decision.
"I'll take him," I said. I drove home with the dog on the front seat beside me.
When I reached the house I honked the horn twice. I was helping my prize
out of the car when Dad shuffled on to the front porch... "Ta-da. Look what
I got for you Dad." I said excitedly.

Dad looked, then wrinkled his face in disgust, "If I had wanted a dog I would
have gotten one. And I would have picked out a better specimen than that
bag of bones. Keep it. I don't want it."
Anger rose inside of me. It squeezed together my throat muscles and pounded
into my temples. "You better get used to him Dad. He's staying."

Dad ignored me. "Did you hear me Dad?" I screamed. At those words, Dad whirled
angrily, his hands clenched at his sides, his eyes narrowed and blazing with hate.
We stood glaring at each other like duelists, when suddenly the pointer pulled
free from my grasp. He wobbled toward my Dad and sat down in front of him.
Then slowly, carefully, he raised his paw . . . .

Dad's lower jaw trembled as he stared at the uplifted paw. Confusion replaced the
anger in his eyes. The pointer waited patiently. Then Dad was on his knees hugging
the animal.
It was the beginning of a warm and intimate friendship. Dad named the pointer
Cheyenne. Together he and Cheyenne explored the community. They spent long
hours walking down dusty lanes. They spent reflective moments on the banks
of streams, angling for trout. They even started to attend Sunday services
together. Dad sitting in Cheyenne lying quietly at his feet.

Dad and Cheyenne were inseparable throughout the ext 3 years. Dad's bitterness
fad ed,and he and Cheyenne made many friends. Then one night I was startled
to feel Cheyenne's cold nose burrowing in through our bed covers. He had never
before come into our bedroom at night.I woke Dick, put on my robe and ran to
my father's room Dad lay in bed, his face serene. But his spirit had left quietly
sometime during the night.

Two days later my shock and grief deepened when I discovered Cheyenne lying
dead beside Dad's bed. I wrapped his still form in the rag rug he had slept on.
As Dick and I buried him near a favorite fishing hole,I silently thanked the dog
for the help he had given me in restoring Dad's peace of mind.

The morning of Dad's funeral dawned overcast and dreary. This day looks the
way I feel, I thought as I walked down the aisle to the pews reserved for the
family. I was surprised to see the many friends Dad and Cheyenne had made
filling the church. The pastor began his eulogy. It was a tribute to both Dad
and the dog who had changed his life.

And then the pastor turned to Hebrews 13:2. "Do not neglect to show
hospitality to strangers, for by this some have entertained angels without
knowing it. "I've often thanked God for sending that angel,: he said.

For me, the past dropped into place, completing a puzzle that I had not seen
before.: the sympathetic voice that had just read the right article , . . .
Cheyenne's unexpected appearance at the animal shelter..... His calm
acceptance and complete devotion to my father.. and the proximity of
their deaths. And suddenly I knew that God had answered my prayers after all.

God answers our prayers in His time . . . . . not ours.
<><>
Now to find some short jokes - first couple sent by my friend Warren.
One my brother posted, but I am going to post it too. Thanks Warren.

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home
from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer
and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove and the table was set.
She was astonished.

It turns out that Chuck had read an article that said, "Wives who work
full time and had to do their own housework were too tired for sex.

The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her Red Hat friends
all about it. "We had a great dinner. Chuck even cleaned up the kitchen.
He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it
away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that ...... Chuck was too tired."
<><>;
Johnny's Maths Test. Again, thanks, Warren.

Teacher : If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2 cats,
how many would you have?

Johnny : Seven.

Teacher : No, listen carefully, If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats
and another 2 cats, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven.

Teacher : Let me put it differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2
apples and another 2 apples, how many would you have?
Johnny : Six.

Teacher : Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another
2 cats, how many would you have?
Johnny : Seven !!!.
The now very angry teacher : Where in the hell do you get seven from?

The now very frustrated Johnny : Because I already have a dam cat at home.
<><>
One from my friend Barbara called "Pink Curtains". Thanks Barbara.

A Blonde goes to K Mart to buy curtains. She says to the salesman "I would
like to buy a pair of pink curtains.
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.
He shows her several pattern but the blonde seems to be having a hard time
choosing.Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde replies, "Seventeen inches."
"Seventeen inches? asks the salesman. "That sounds very small. What room
are they for?"

The blonde says, "They aren't for a room. They are for my new computer
monitor."
The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains."

The blonde says, "Helllloooooo... mine has Windooooooows...."
<><>

One from the paper . . . .
A young boy approaches a policeman and says, "Please, Officer, my father
has got into a fight outside the pub. Can you help him?"
to
The policeman agrees and follows the boy around the corner to the pub,
where he sees two men fighting on the footpath.

The policeman asks the boy "Which man is your father?"
The boy replies, "I don't know. That's what they are fighting about."
<><>

Last one tonight is a quote of the month. by Jay Leno.

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding,
severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another,
with the threat of bird flu' and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a
good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

"Politicians and diapers need to be changed regularly - - and for the
same reason."
<><>

Time to close this post my friends. Take really great care and help
each other to be safe. Love and Best wishes to you all and may the
news be much better from the U.S. Cheers, Merle.

Post 751 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 28th August, 2011.
<><><>

Girls in My Circle

2011-08-21T15:40:00.007+10:00

Post 750 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 21st August, 2011.

Hello Everyone ~~ I hope the world is being kind to you and that life is good.
Mine is going along OK and I was happy to have a lovely grand-daughter for
part of the weekend. She traveled 3 hours from Geelong on Friday afternoon
and then left after lunch on Saturday to go to work at 5 o'clock. It is a wonder
I don't scare her off. She asked if she could open the gates and get the paper.
I said "That would be great Kristen, don't forget to take the trolley." Meaning
my walking frame which of course she didn't need.!!!

Then I was talking to her mother the other day and I knew we were to have
a day of 20 C , then 21 C, so I told Kathy then we would have 22, 23, 24,
and 25, Only thing is I was looking at the dates on the chart. Maybe Granny
amuses Kristen. So far I haven't done anything worse, so that is good.
I even sat in the sun for a while today as it was warmer than inside.

First item came from a dear friend of very long standing, Barbara.
It is called "Girls in my Circle." Thanks Barbara.

When I was little,
I used to believe in the concept of one best friend,
And then I started to become a woman.
And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up,
You will see best in many friends.

One friend is needed when you're going through things with your man.
Another friend is needed when you're going through things with your Mum,
Another will sit beside you in the bleachers as you delight in your children
and their activities.
Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke or just be.
One friend will say, "Let's cry together."
Another, "Let's fight together."
Another, "Let's walk away together."

One friend will meet your spiritual need.
Another, your shoe fetish,
Another your love of movies.
Another will be with you in your season of confusion.
Another will be your clarifier,
Another the wind beneath your wings.

But whatever their assignment in your life,
On whatever the occasion,
On whatever the day,
Or whatever you need them to meet you with their gym shoes on and
hair pulled back
Or to hold you back from making a complete fool of yourself,
These are your best friends.

It may all be wrapped up in one woman. but for many,
it's wrapped up in several.
One from 7th grade,
One from high school,
Several from collage years.
A couple from old jobs.

On some days your mother,
On some days your neighbour
On others your sisters,
And on some days, your daughters.

So whether they have been a friend for 20 minutes or 20+ years, pass this
on to the women that have been placed in your life to make a difference.

Thanks to you all being in my circle.
<><>
Now to find a few jokes.
One from the Newspaper.

A new monk arrives at the monastery and is assigned to help the other
monks in copying the old texts by hand.

He notices that they are copying copies, not the original books. He mentions
to the head monk that, if there's an error in the first copy, then that error
will be continued to all other copies.

The head monk thinks this is a valid observation, so he goes down into the
cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours later, the monks hear sobbing coming from the cellar. They find the
old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.
"What's wrong?" one asks.

The old monk sobs, "The word is 'celebrate' ."
<><>

Secrets of a Long Happy Marriage.
An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine while sitting on the patio
with her husband and she says, " I love you so much. I don't know how
I could ever live without you."

Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me . . . talking to the wine."
<><>
One from my friend Robyn in Queensland called "Plane Crash" in Rural
Australia. Thanks Robyn.

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Australia.
Panic stricken, the local police inspector mobilized and descended
on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally
destroyed with only a burnt hull left smouldering in a tree line that
bordered the farm.

The inspector and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no
remains of anyone. They spotted a farmer plowing a field not too far away
as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"John" the inspector yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this
terrible accident happen?"
"Yep, Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's
engine.

"Do you realize that is the Prime Ministers RAAF 737, the aeroplane of
the Prime Minister of Australia?"

"Yep." "Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They all got killed straight out," the farmer answered. "I buried
them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"Gillard is dead?" the inspector asked.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "She kept saying she
wasn't... but you know what a lying bitch she is....."
<><>

My cousin Bill sent me the next one -- The $15 truck." Thanks Bill.

A sixteen year old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche
and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck?"
"I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet
Avalanche cost.

"Well," said the boy, this one cost me just fifteen dollars. So the parents
began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for $15?"

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name -
they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I
wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars?"

"Oh, my goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser.
Who knows what she will do next? John you go right up there and see
what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house
where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting
petunias,

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a
new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know
why she did it.

"Well," she said, this morning I got a phone call from my husband.
(I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he
had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend
to come back),

He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his
new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.

"So I did."
<><>

One from my cousin Karyn from New Zealand called "The Other Cubicle."
Thanks Karyn.

Travelling down the coast road, I needed to use the toilet. I stopped at
a rest area, headed for the toilet, went into the cubicle and this is what
happened...

"Hi, how are you?"
Now I;m not the type to start a conversation in a toilet and I don't know what
got into me . . but I answered.. "Doing just fine." then the other person said
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that, I;m thinking ... this is too bizarre,,so I said:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just travelling."
At this point I was just trying to get out as fast as I could when I heard
another question ....

"Can I come over?"
OK, this question was just too weird for me but I figured I would just be
polite and end the conversation . . . so I said:
"No, I'm just a little busy right now !!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously , , ,
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other cubicle who
keeps answering all my questions."

Mobile phones, don't you just love them? (Cell phones)
<><>

My good friend Patricia sent this one. Thanks Patty.

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be
THE Man of the House."

Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed into the
kitchen and announced to his wife - - - -

"From now on, you need to know that I am the Man of the House
and my word is LAW.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, bring it to me, and when I am
done eating my meal, you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious
dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love the
way I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will put on
soothing music, wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension so I can
sleep like a baby.

Then tomorrow, guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair>?

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess, unless
I have your dumb a*s cremated.
<><>

Cardless Flowers.

The man entered the florist shop and ordered a bouquet of flowers to be
delivered to his wife. When asked what he wanted on the card, he replied
that no card was necessary as she'd know who they came from.

Shortly after the flowers were delivered, the florist received a phone call
from the wife asking who sent the flowers.

The florist told her that the sender requested no card be included.
"Please, I've GOT to know WHO sent these flowers BEFORE my
husband comes home for lunch.
<><>

Enough for this post my friends, Keep well and happy and find some fun
in every day. My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 750 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 21st August, 2011.
<><><>

Attitude.

2011-08-14T15:59:00.007+10:00

Post 749 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 14th August, 2011.

Hello My Friends ~~ I hope you are enjoying your lives and your health is
as good as is possible. I also hope the weather is to your liking.
It is quite nice here and the sun is shining so that brightens things quite
a bit. I am keeping well at present and hope that keeps up for a while.
I recently bought a few flowers at Bunnings, so I am sharing them here.

This one is called 'Poor Man's Orchid.' I forget the real name.

This is a very attractive 'Cyclamen' and is so healthy and nice.

Last one is an 'Asiatic Lily', getting past it's best, but is an unusual one.

The first item was sent by my dear friend, Lady Di. It is called
"Attitude" and a good one. Thank you Dianne.

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror,
and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
"Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today."
So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror
and saw that she only had two hairs on her head.
"H-m-m." she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today."
So she did, and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up.m looked in the mirror and noticed that
she only had one hair on her head.
"Well," she said, "today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail.
So she did, and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and
noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.
"YAY," she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today."

Attitude is everything.

Be kinder than necessary -- for everyone you meet is fighting
some sort of battle.

Live simply - - - - Love generously - - - -Care deeply

Speak kindly - - - -and pray continually.

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass
It's about learning to dance in the rain.

It's not what you gather, but what you scatter that
tells what kind of life you have lived.

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
Love the people who treat you right,
and pray for the ones that don't.
<><>

One from Mountain Wings --One Question I.Q. test.

Here is a one question I.Q. test to help you decide how you should
spend the rest of your day.

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses
himself to the shop-keeper and the purchase is made.

Now if a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses,how should he
express himself?

Think about it before scrolling down for the answer . . . .

He opens his mouth and says, "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses."

If you got this wrong, please turn off your computer and call it a day.

I've got mine shutting down right now. (You know you missed it too, so
shut down your computer and take a rest.)
<><>

One from my friend Linda in Canberra. Thank you Linda.

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly
home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well.
So he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I don't feel so good." said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he
had long existing and advanced prostate problems and the only cure was
testicular removal.

"No way, doc," replied Wiremu, "I'm getting a second opinion."
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised
him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the
corner, he found an ex-pat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last
opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said, "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you have
Prostate suckness . . ."
"What's the cure then doc?" asked iremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu," said the Kiwi doctor, "We'rre gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for that." said Wremu. "Those Aussie b*****ds wanted
to take my test tickets off me."
<><>

Another from my friend Lady Di. The Stuttering Kitten. Thank you.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students. She says, "Human
beings are the only animals that stutter."

A little girl raised her hand saying, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher knowing how precious some of these stories could become
asked the little girl to describe the incident.

"Well,"she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard."

The teacher exclaimed, "That must have been scary."

The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss,
Sssss' Sssss' and before she could say 'S**t' the Rottweiler ate her."

The teacher had to leave the room.
<><>

WHY GOD MADE MOMS. was sent from my friend, Barbara. Thank you.

Answers from 2nd grade school children.

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me, He just
used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God made mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything
nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly
used string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she liked me more than other people's mom like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be
pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did your mom need to know about your father?
1.. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he
get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs
and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my mom likes
to eat a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who is the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to, because dad's
such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads
1.Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power
because that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep-over st
your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do with her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind
of plastic surgery.
1. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change anything, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did
it, not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
<><>

Well,, my friends I am tired tonight so will say Goodnight and sweet dreams.
Be kind to one another. My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 749 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 14th August, 2011.
<><><>

.

On The Wings of Prayer.

2011-08-07T22:20:00.007+10:00

Post 748 ~ ~ ~ Monday, 8th August, 2011.

Hello My Friends ~~ It has been a strange weekend here and has been
pouring rain all weekend. I have double gates out the front of my house
but when it was this wet, I only opened one of them. Less to close at
night because of the weather, I reckoned that no one in their right mind
would be out in the rain. WRONG. Yesterday, my cousins from Tallarook
paid me a visit which we enjoyed.

Then today (Sunday night) more visitors, when I was sure no one in their
right mind would be out in weather like this. My granddaughter Michelle
and her fiancee Ryan called in briefly to see me. I wasn't even dressed as
I was playing computers instead. Another very nice surprise. We had some
lovely days last week and it is a shame when weekends are wet when
people like to play sport or go to watch it. The rain was needed though.

I hope things are going well for you all and life is good my friends. I am just
getting a start on this post for tomorrow. Haven't felt up to it today.
So Bye until tomorrow.

Cold again, with more showers. My son John is home after a long ride to the
border of Western Australia and South Australia. A long ride and lots of rain.

Now to find some stories and jokes - First is a Mountain Wings Item called
"Wings over the Mountains of Life."

I heard this recited at a recent funeral.

Three caskets, two full sized and one tiny one, lined the front of the church.
A grandmother and grandfather in their early fifties and a two year old
grandson, all lay in stately repose. All died in a house fire.

It was the most tragic thing I had ever been involved in.
Amidst the much weeping and wailing by their seven children, this stood out
as a truth in the middle of tragedy.

~Pastor Nathaniel~

On The Wings of Prayer.

Just close your eyes and open your heart,
And feel your worries and cares depart/

Just yield yourself to the Father above,
And let Him hold you secure in His love.

For life on earth grows more involved,
With endless problems that can't be solved.

But God only asks us to do our best,
Then He will take over and do the rest.

So when you are tired, discouraged and blue,
There is always one door that is open to you.

And that is the door to the House of Prayer,
And you'll find God waiting to meet you there.

And the House of Prayer is no further away,
Than the quiet spot where you kneel to pray.

For the heart is a temple when God is there,
As we place ourselves in His loving care.

And he hears every prayer and answers each one,
when we pray in His name, Thy will be done.

The burdens that seemed too heavy to bear,
Are lifted away on the wings of a prayer.

~Helen Steiner Rice~
<><>

My blogging friend, Jim sent me some Biblical Humor. Thanks Jim.
I hope your recovery is still going well my friend.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharoah's daughter. She went down to the bank and drew out a little
Prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's
Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda,
because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer
lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. What servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah stood on the deck.

PS... Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup. It's in the Bible. It says . . . 'He-brews'.

Keep Smiling - - God loves you bunches and bunches.
Friends are God's way of taking care of us.

....Faith, Hope and Love -- but the greatest of these is Love.
<><>

My fiend in Queensland, Warren sent the first joke. Thanks Mate.

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he
approached his assistant.

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the
clinic . I want you to take care of it and all my patients."

"Yes Sir," says Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks," So
Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him he took care of three patients. "The first one had a
headache, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion, and I gave him Gaviston."
"Bravo, bravo. You're good at this and what about the third one?"

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flew open and a young
gorgeous woman bursts in. Like a bolt out of the blue, she tears off
her clothes, taking off everything, including her bra and panties, and
lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts, "HELP ME, for
the love of St. Patrick. For five years I have not seen any man."

"Good grief. Murphy, what did you do?" asked the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."
<><>

One from my friend in Canberra. Thank you Linda.
Older Love-Making.

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived at the Villages, in Florida. They met
at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed
each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee,
Claude asked Maude out for dinner and much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant
in town. Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after dinner
drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor,
Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared,
each was lost for a time in their own thoughts . . . . .

Claude was thinking: "If I'd know she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my
panty-hose."
<><>
My cousin David sent me some "Dr. Seuss for Older Kids." Thank you.

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today .......

The people who are starting university this fall were born in 1992.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

The CD was introduced two years before they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been micro-waved.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel"
or "de plane Boss, de plane."

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

Notice the larger type?
That's for those of us who have trouble reading.

P.S. Save the Earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.
<><>

Lastly a joke from the newspaper.

A man goes to his doctor feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over
and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news. You have Yellow 24, a really
nasty virus because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have
24 hours to live. There is no known cure so just go home and enjoy
your final moments on Earth."

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news, Distraught, she
asks him to go to bingo that evening as he's never been there before.

They arrive at Bingo and with his first card he gets 4 numbers and wins $35.
Then with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320. Then he gets a full
house and wins $1000.
Then the National game comes up and he wins that too,getting $380.000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years
and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the
National game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth."

"Lucky?" he says. "Lucky? I'll have you know I have got Yellow 24."

"Strewth," says the bingo caller. You've won the raffle as well."
<><>

Well time to say Goodnight my friends. Take good care of yourselves
and each other. Enjoy something special every day. My love and best
wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 748 ~ ~ ~ Monday, 8th August, 2011.
<><><>

Marbles.

2011-08-02T21:12:00.003+10:00

Post 747 ~ ~ ~ Tuesday, 2nd August, 2011.

Hello again my friends ~~ Just a quick post tonight to let you know how I got on
with the Heart Specialist yesterday, and to thank everyone who sent comments
and said prayers for a good result. Well I think I got a good report ~~ basically
I see him again in 3 months. He seemed happy with this as I have no dizziness
or distress from the low heart rate. He mentioned a pacemaker and said I should
go to Melbourne and have tests to see if there are any blockages in arteries.

Before I go back I have to have blood tests (naturally) and also a 24 hour tester
to take blood pressure and heart rate every half hour, during normal activities.
So we will see how it goes until then. Meanwhile I hope you are all doing well
and enjoying your lives. I feel brighter with the flowers and lemon tree that
Geoff planted for me. Anything new and pretty gives one a lift.

I hope to get around to answering everyone tomorrow. My granddaughter came
to take me to the appointment and we were there nearly 2 hours. She had to
go home today to work this evening, and she lives 3 hours away. Thank you
Kristen ~~ much appreciated, and I love you. I also did shopping with my carer lady,
so am a little tired. But all stocked up again.

First item came to me from my good friend, Lady Di. It is called "Marbles" Thanks Dianne.

Once you let them go, you can't get them back, so I am going to tie you to my
heart so I never lose you.

Send the poem below to all your friends. Just smile and say:

Dear Lord,
I know you're watching over me
And I'm feeling truly blessed,
For no matter what I pray for
You always know what's best.

I have this circle of e mail friends
Who mean the world to me.
Some days I 'send' and 'send'
At other times I let them be.

I am so blessed to have these friends
With whom I've grown so close.
So this little poem I dedicate to them
Because to me they are the 'Most.'

When I see each name download
And view the message they have sent;
I know they've thought of me that day
And 'well wishes' was their intent.

So to you my friends, I would like to say
Thank you for being a part
Of all my daily contacts,
This comes right from my heart.

God bless you is my prayer today
I'm honored to call you 'friend';
I pray the Lord will keep you safe
Until we write again..

We can't afford to lose our Marbles. . . For Life is too Short.
<><>

First joke comes from my cousin Karyn in New Zealand. Thanks.
The Italian Wedding Test.

I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.
So we decided to get married.

There was only one thing bothering me.
It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight mini-skirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate.
She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over
"To check my sister's wedding invitations", she said.
She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me
That she couldn't overcome anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.
She said, "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well I was in total shock and I couldn't say a word.

She said, " I'm going upstairs to my bedroom."
She said, " If you want one last wild fling,
just come up and have me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go upstairs,
I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line
straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside
all clapping.

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, "Sergio, we are happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family, my son."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.
<><>

Next from my good friend Patricia. Thanks Patty.
Well this one should offend everyone. LOL. But sending it anyway.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2.30 am this morning. can you believe
that . . .2.30 am? Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says,
"How do you know?" He says, "The sex is the same, but the laundry
is building up."

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest
penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady slip and fall on the ice. At least I presume she was
poor -- she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going
fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt. Do you think I should
change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back. He says, what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated
but must come back as a different creature. She said she would come back
as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the thrift shop trying to get all her clothes back.
<><>

Time to say Goodnight . My love and best wishes to you all. Look
after each other and yourselves. Cheers, Merle.

Post 747 ~ ~ ~ Tuesday, 2nd August, 2011.
<><><>

Explanation of God.

2011-07-31T16:55:00.006+10:00

Post 746 ~~~ Sunday, 31st July, 2011.

Hello Everyone ~~ I hope you are all doing well and enjoying your lives.
I am doing well at present. My son Geoff and his wife Joanne came to
visit on Friday night and then we went to Bunnings and bought a few
flowers to brighten the garden. Geoff then planted them for me.
Thankfully two months of our Winter have gone, only one to go.

I have had a lemon tree for years that has awful long spines (thorns)
on it and NO lemons, so being an optimist, I bought another without
the spines. Then Geoff decided to cut the spines off the original and
said for me to give it one more year. So now I have two lemon trees
and still no lemons. I hope to eventually get some in my lifetime.

My son in law has gone off for a month's overseas trip to visit his
mother, brothers and sisters in Holland. I am glad to say that their
eldest son is coming home for a month to help Kathy milk and do the
farm work. He works on a farm six hours away and the crops are all
sown and the sheep shorn etc, so he is able to have the month off.

Apparently small things amuse small minds as I tell a joke on myself.
Kathy rang me the other day, when she was lying on the floor doing
Pilates. She is such a busy person and works very hard, so the thought
of her lying around makes me smile. Mind you, if I got on the floor
for any reason, I would not be able to get up, without help.

Kathy's eighteen year old daughter, Kristen is coming to visit me
tomorrow to take me to the cardiologist at 4 pm. So it will be lovely
to have company tomorrow night after we see what he has to say.
My brother, Peter has been feeling a bit down, after the optometrist
said glasses would not help his vision at present. How precious our
sight is. His son Marcus was visiting, so that would brighten his day.

Well I guess it is time to find some stories and jokes. First one is
from my friend of long standing, Barbara. Thank you for this one.
Explanation of God.

It was written by an 8 year old named Danny Dutton, who lives in
Chula Vista, CA, He wrote it for his 3rd grade homework assignment,
to explain God. I wonder if any of us could have done as well.

"One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace
the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things
on Earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because
they are smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn't have to take
up his valuable time teaching them to walk and talk. He can just leave
that to mothers and fathers.

God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of
this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things pray at times
besides bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV
because of this. Because he hears everything, there must be a terrible lot
of noise in his ears, unless he has thought of a way to turn it off.

God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps
him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting his time by going over your
mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.

Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any
in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church.

Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water
and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want
to learn about God. They finally got tired of him preaching to them and
they crucified him. But he was good and kind, like his father, and told his
father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them
and God said. O.K.

His dad (God) appreciated everything that he had done and all his hard
work on earth so he told him he didn't have to go out on the road any
more. He could stay in heaven. So he did. And now he helps his dad out
by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God
to take care of and which ones he can take care of himself without having
to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important.

You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because
they get it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.

You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God
happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God.

Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like
going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't
come out at the beach until noon anyway.

If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be
very lonely,because your parents can't go everywhere with you,
like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you
when you're scared, in the dark, or when you can't swim and you
get thrown into real deep water by big kids.

But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you.
I figure God put me here and he can take me back any time he
pleases.

And ... that's why I believe in God."
<><>

First joke tonight is from my dear friend Jeanette. Thanks Jan.

Thank God someone brought this to my attention !!

HEY -- WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME THIS EARLIER?
I finally figured it out. It's the shampoo I use in the shower.

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body.
Printed very clearly on the shampoo label it reads:
"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

I have gotten rid of the shampoo and I am going to start using
Trix detergent. It's label reads:
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved.
Phew . . . . It sure pays to read the label.
<><>

My son John sent The new version of The Three Bears Story. Thanks.

A far more accurate account of that fateful morning . . . . .

Baby Bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He
looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?"
he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the
kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go
through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy
Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the
dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy
Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went
out in the cold early morning to fetch the newspaper and croissants.
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

It was Mummy Bear who walked the dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray,
gave them their food, and refilled their water.

And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bodies downstairs and
grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because
I am only going to say this once . . . . .

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE FLAMING PORRIDGE YET."
<><>

Some short Irish jokes. . . . .

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million
tons of sand from the Arabs and they are going to drill their own oil well.

My mate Paddy's missus left him last Thursday. She said she was going
out for a pint of milk and never came back.
I asked him how he was coping and he said, "Not bad, I've been using
that powdered stuff."

The police came to the front door of Patrick's house last night holding
a picture of his wife. They said, "Is this your wife sir?"
Shocked, he answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
He said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road. The first one picks it up and
says, "Blow me, I know that face, but I can't put a name to it."
The second picks it up and says, "You daft man, it's me."

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by
his feet. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself." Paddy replies. The rope should be around your
neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."

Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house. Paddy
picks up a nail, realizes it's upside down and throws it away. He keeps
on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"
"Because they are upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save them for the ceiling."
<><>

One from my Queensland friend Robyn. Thank you.

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly
Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked "What all
those clocks?" St Peter answered, Those clocks are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time
you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's" said St Peter. The hands have never moved,
indicating that she has never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man, "And whose clock is that one?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling
us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Julia Gillard's clock?" asked the man.
St Peter replied, "We are using it as a ceiling fan."
<><>

A few more short ones from my cousin in New Zealand. Thanks Karyn.

A little boy went up to his father and asked where he got his intelligence
from. The father replied, "Well son, you must have got it from your
mother, 'cause I've still got mine.

'Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court
Judge said, 'and I have decided to give your wife $750 a week.
"
That's very fair, your honor," the husband said, "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
of bathing suits. It had been a t least ten years and twenty pounds
since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so asked my husband
"What do you think?" Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied, "You'd never get it all-in-one."
He is still in intensive care."

The graveside service just barely finished when there was a massive
clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,
accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
<><>

Well, enough for tonight my friends, it is time to say Goodnight.
Take good care of yourselves and each other and enjoy life in general.
My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 746 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 31st July, 2011.
<><><>

Ticky and Me.

2011-07-23T20:07:00.012+10:00

Post 745 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 24th July, 2011.

Hello My Friends ~~I hope you are all doing well and enjoying the
warmer weather and hope it isn't too hot for you. We have had some nice
days lately, but not very warm temperatures. More cold ahead of us too.

I am feeling OK, but apparently my heart rate is much too slow, so I have
to see a Cardiologist on 1st August, so we will wait and see what that
brings. The thought of more surgery if a pace-maker is needed is not
something I want to even think about. They tell me that it is only a day
procedure -- but I have heard that before and was away over a month.
I will try not to worry until I find out what is doing.

Well I had a lovely visit from my oldest cousin, Edna, who is called Ticky.
Apparently when she was a baby and listened to her father's pocket watch
and said Tick Tick, and for the rest of her life she was known as Ticky.
She is 90 years old and keeps pretty well and I haven't seen her since our
reunion in 2004. She is staying with her granddaughter Julie in Benalla
and Julie brought her to see me which we all enjoyed. We had a nice
afternoon tea and lots of talk. Naturally we took some photos.

I was so happy to see her and to meet Julie. It was nice that Ticky
asked to come and see me. She kept telling me to sit down. And she
is the one who is ninety. !!!

Now to find some jokes and stories for you.

In honor of Ticky and other 90 year olds, the first item was sent by
my son John and written by 90 year old Regina Brett from Cleveland
Ohio. She writes : "To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons
life taught me. It is the most requested column I have ever written."

!. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your
friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting from your first pay-check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It is OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their
journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry.
God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one
is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, never take No
for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't
save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness, but you.
26. Frame every so called disaster with these words 'in five years will
this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you
did or did not do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that really matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's
we'd grab ours back.
41, Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up,, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

There are some really good ideas in those 45. I hope you enjoyed it.
It was quite long, but very good. Thanks John.
<><>

First joke came from my English friend, Biker Bob. Thanks.
It is called "Traffic Camera."

She was driving when she saw the flash of a traffic camera.
She figured that her picture had been taken for exceeding
the limit even though she knew she had not been speeding.

Just to be sure, she went around the block and passed the
same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera
flashed. Now she began to think that this was quite funny,
so she drove even slower as she passed the area once more,
but the traffic camera flashed again.

She tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and
was now laughing as the camera flashed while she rolled
past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, she got five tickets in the mail for driving
without a seat belt.

You can't fix stupid.
<><>

Next one from my Canberra friend Linda. Thank you.

A mother took her five year old son with her to the bank
on a busy afternoon.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a busiess suit
complete with a pager.

After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said
loudly, "Wow, She's fat."
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear
to be quiet.

A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched
his arms out as far as they would go and announced,"I'll bet
her bum is this wide."

The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy. The
mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the
queue. Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"

The little boy yelled out, "Run for your life, she's reversing !!"
<><>

Another one from Linda. Many thanks, my friend.
This one is more for Australians.

A man applying for a job at a Mildura Lemon Orchard seemed
to be too well qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this. Have
you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

He replied, "I've been divorced three times, bought a
Leyland P76, a Beta video player and took up all the Telstra
floats. Then I voted for Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard. How am
I going so far?"
<><>

Some short Church Bulletin jokes from my good friend Gina.

The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water' The
sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get
rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.

Don't let worry kill you off ~~ let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will never pass this way again'
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to
be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope with the deceased
person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.

The pastor would appreiate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend their electric girdles for the pancake
breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 pm.
Please use the back door.

This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn singing in the park
across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared
to sin.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm at the church. Please use
large double door at the side entrance.
<><>

One quick one from my cousin in New Zealand. Thanks Karyn.

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse
appears and asks how he is feeling.

"I'm OK. But I didn't like the four letter words the doctor
used in surgery.

"What did he say?" asked the nurse.

"Oops."
<><>

Well that is enough for this post my friends. I hope something
brought a smile. Look after yourselves and each other,
Love and Best wishes to you all, and those who are unwell
may you soon recover and enjoy life again. Cheers, Merle.

Post 745 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 24th July, 2011.
<><><>

The Yellow Light.

2011-07-17T16:26:00.006+10:00

Post 744 ~ ~ ~ Sunday 17th July, 2011.

Hello Everyone ~~ It is a cold wet day here in Shepparton, so indoors is
definitely the way to go. I hope it is nicer where you are and not too hot
or too cold. Also I hope you are all well and happy. I am quite well and
still doing exercises to improve the walking. I see my doctor tomorrow
and then shop on Tuesday with my carer Kaye. So I am happy enough.

John went motor cycle riding on Friday and I was relieved as always, when
he rings to say he is home. I know he is careful, but one doesn't know just
what others will do. His youngest daughter, Rachael is going to have her
second child on 28th of this month -- a boy named Riley. A bit different
to the old days when we didn't know the sex, or name baby before.
Apparently Riley is a very big baby, thus the C section.

Now for some jokes - -The first one was sent by my dear friend Lady Di.
It is called "The Yellow Light." Many thanks Dianne.

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,stopping
at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked
up into the face of a very serious Police officer. The officer ordered her to
exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a
policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted
back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with
her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you
and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the "What would Jesus Do"
bumper sticker, the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "Follow Me
to Sunday-School" bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian Fish
emblem on the trunk . . . .

.... so naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."
<><>

The next one will make the ladies shudder a little. It was sent by my
cousin in New Zealand. Thank you Karyn. A bit scary !!
It is called "Mammogram Court Case."

While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a lady,
who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say,
"Your Honor, I'm guilty but .. there were extenuating circumstances."

The female judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those
extenuating circumstances." I did too, so I listened as the lady told
her story.

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept.
I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear
and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi, I'm Belinda. All
I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist,
then slip on the gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda
then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left
and said, "Hmmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in
a tad so we can get everything?" Fine I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining
circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a
holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged
between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and
felt a zap.!!

Complete darkness, the power was off.

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag."
Then she headed for the door.

"Excuse me. You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?" I
shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide
open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout NOOOO she disappeared. And that's how Bubba
and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire" found me..half-naked
with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part
smashed between glass.

After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba
(or possibly Earl) asked to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power
was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness
as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."

"OK. you take care now" Bubba replied and waved goodbye as though
I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making
no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh, I am sooo
sorry. The power came back on and I totally forgot about you.!!
And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that Your Honor is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps ...."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said, "Case Dismissed."
<><>

One from another cousin Carol, called Alzheimers. Thanks Carol.

Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a
nursing home.

When an old Grandpa walked by.

And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell you
exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There's no way you can guess it, you old fools."

"Sure we can -- Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell
your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he
dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to
jump up and down several times. Then they all said, "You're 87 years old."

Standing with his pants around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the
world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies yelled
in unison . . .

"We were at your birthday party yesterday."
<><>

One from Mountain Wings. "Mr.Crow and Mr. Rabbit."

Mr Rabbit was walking down the road when he spotted a crow at the
tiptop of a very tall tree. He shouted, "Good morning, Mr. Crow?

Mr. Crow shouted back, "Good morning Mr. Rabbit."

Mr. Rabbit shouted "Whatcha doin' today?" and the answer shouted back
down was "Absolutely nothin' Mr. Rabbit. Absoutely nothin' and loving it"

Well that sounded good to Mr. Rabbit, so he shouted back up, "Do you think
I could do that too?"

Mr. Crow shouted back down, "I don't see why not."
So Mr. Rabbit lay down on the side of the road and began doing Absolutely
nothing.

In 30 minutes a fox came along and ate him.

The moral of the story is: You can get away with doing absolutely
nothing, but only if you are really high up.
<><>

Another one from Lady Di which I liked and is so clever. Thanks again.

After being married for thirty years.. a wife asked her husband to
describe her.

He looked at her slowly.. then said, "You're A B C D E F G H I J K."

She asked , "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy,
Gorgeous, Hot."

She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's lovely.. What about I J K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding."

His eye is still swollen ... but it will get better.
<><>

Well the time has come to say Goodnight my friends. Take really good
care of yourselves and each other. Find some joy in each and every day.
My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 744 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 17th July, 2011.
<><><>

57 Cent Church.

2011-07-08T21:50:00.005+10:00

Post 743 ~ ~ ~ Saturday 9th July, 2011.

Hello my friends ~ ~ I hope all is going well in your lives and you are happy.
I am going quite well. I knew I was walking a little better and the Physio
agreed with me, and said I don't have to go any more, unless I feel the
need to, So that was great, and then I went shopping with my carer, Kaye.
My usual day had been changed and it was a cold and wet day.

The first story tonight was sent to me by my dear friend, Barbara. Thank
you for the story of the "57 Cent Church."

A little girl stood near a small church from which she had been turned
away because it was 'too crowded.'

"I can't go to Sunday School," she sobbed to the Pastor as he walked by.

Seeing her shabby, unkempt appearance, the pastor guessed the reason,
and , taking her by the hand, took her inside and found room for her, and
she went to bed that night thinking of the children who have no place to
worship Jesus.

Some two years later, this child lay dead . . .in one of the tenement
buildings. Her parents called for the kind-hearted pastor who had
befriended their daughter to handle the final arrangements.

As her poor little body was being moved, a worn and crumpled red purse
was found which seemed to have been rummaged from some trash dump.

Inside was found 57 cents and a note, scribbled in childish hand-writing,
which read: "This is to help build the little church bigger so more children
can go to Sunday School."

For two years she had saved for this offering of love.

When the pastor tearfully read that note, he knew instantly what he would
do. Carrying this note and the cracked, red pocketbook to the pulpit, he
told the story of her unselfish love and devotion.

He challenged his deacons to get busy and raise enough money for the
larger building.

But the story doesn't end there . . . .

A newspaper learned of the story and published it. It was read by a wealthy
realtor who offered them a parcel of land worth many thousands.

When told that the church could not pay so much, he offered to sell it to
the little church for 57 cents.

Church members made large donations. Checks came from far and wide.
Within five years the little girl's gift had increased to $250,000 - - a huge
sumfor that time (near the turn of the century). Her unselfish love had
paid large dividends.

When you are in the city of Philadelphia, look up Temple Baptist Church,
with a seating capacity of 3,300. And be sure to visit Temple University
where thousands of students are educated.

Have a look, too, at the Good Samaritan Hospital and at a Sunday School
building which houses hundreds of beautiful children, built so that no child
in the area will ever need to be left outside during Sunday School time.

In one of the rooms of this building may be seen the picture of the sweet
face of the little girl whose 57 cents, so sacrificially saved, made such
remarkable history. Alog-side of it is a portrait of her kind pastor --
Dr. Russell H. Conwell,author of the book 'Acres of Diamonds."

This is a true story, which goes to show WHAT GOD CAN DO WITH 57 CENTS.
<><>

My son John sent me the next two items. Thanks John. for Blonde Cookbook.

Monday. It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe
said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me
some extra bowls.

Tuesday. Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without
dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend
home for supper.

Wednesday. A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before
steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't
say it improved the rice any.

Thursday. Today, Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said
prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom
asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

Friday. I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a
bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe.
When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to
dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some
reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Sunday. Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had
was hamburger, Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in
the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger. much
to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. Tis has been a very exciting week. I am eager
for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk
Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a
chocolate moose..
<><>

Brits Wonderfully Incorrect . . . . .

Just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy raffle tickets for
black orphans. I told him with my luck, I'd probably win one.

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low
cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent show, a
spokesman said,"We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give
him a wank. I said, "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop
before you're banned from teaching altogether."

Question _ are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17 % said Yes.
11 % said No. 72 % said, "I am not understanding the question, please.

Prince William said he didn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding.
Prince Phillip said he didn't give a toss, he's still going.

Black bloke comes home to find his son sitting on the couch. grinning from
ear to ear. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. "I just shagged the
girl next-door." he says proudly. "Well done, son. I hope you were wearing
something." "Yup," he replied, "A balaclava."

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a
bottle of white-out. I woke this morning with a huge correction.

Some creep has just pinched my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's
not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.
<><>

My friend in Canberra, Linda sent me the next one. Thanks Linda.
60 Minutes Correspondent, Andy Rooney (CBS)

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are a few
reasons why.

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and
ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you are think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit
around whining about it. She does something she wants to do and it's
usually more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with
you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant

Of course if you deserve it, they will shoot you if they think they can get
away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know
what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get physic as they get older You never have to confess your
sins to an older woman.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than
her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They will tell you right off you
are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder
where you stand with her

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately,
it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman
over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of
himself with some 22 year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk
for free> Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against
marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire
pig, just to get a little sausage,
<><>

Well, time to call it a day. Take great care of yourselves and each other.
My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 743 ~ ~ ~ Saturday 9th July, 2011.
<><><>

My Vitamin F.

2011-07-03T17:21:00.007+10:00

Post 743 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 3rd July, 2011.

Hello My Friends ~~A very Happy 4th July to my American friends.
I hope all is well with you and life is good for you all. I am doing
better with my walking I think. I will see if the Physio agrees on
Wednesday when I go to see her again. I didn't think I would ever
do so many exercises in my life, but as I do want to get stronger and
back to where I was, I know I have to. They are not too bad either.

I had a surprise visit today when my Deniliquin, N.S.W. grandkids
came to see me and brought lunch with them and some for me.
It was lovely to see Kate and Scott and Joh. Kate and Scott are
in the process of buying a house with 6 acres of land on the edge
of town. Kate found it on the computer and it looks great, and
she will eventually bring her horse from her parent's place. They
each have a dog, so they will have plenty of room.
Kate's restaurant is doing very well. She only has Sundays off.

Tonight I have a nice piece called "My Vitamin F' which was sent
to me by my dear friend, Karen. Thank you so much my friend.

Why do I have a variety of friends who are all different in
character?

Some of them can be considered marginal friends even?

How do I get on with them all?

I think that each one helps to bring out a "different"part of me.

With one of them I am a polite, nice person.

I joke with another friend.

I sit down and talk about serious matters with one of them.

With another I giggle at every silly thing.

I listen to one friend's problems and give her advice.

Then I listen to another advising me.

They are all like pieces of a jigsaw.

When completed they form a treasure box.

A treasure of friends.

They are my friends who understand me better than myself
who support me through good days and bad days.

Real Age doctors tell us that friends are good for our health.

Dr. Oz calls them Vitamin F (for Friends) and counts the
benefits of friends to our well being.

Research shows that people in strong social circles have less
risk of depression and terminal strokes.

If you take Vitamin F constantly you can be up to 30 years
younger than your real age. The warmth of friendship stops
stress and even in your tense moments, it decreases the
chance of cardiac arrest or stroke.

I am so thankful that I have a good supply of Vitamin F.
<><>

My cousin David sent me the next one"At The Law School"
Thanks David.

A young law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his
crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal
mind.

Student: " Sir do you really understand everything about this
subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a
professor, would I?"

Student: " OK So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give
me the correct answer , I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't
give me the correct answer, however you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and
neither logical nor legal?"

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the
answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark
into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all
afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a
group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really
tough question to answer. "What is legal but not logical, logical
but not legal,and neither logical nor legal?"

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment) all the students
immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer.

"It's quite easy sir," says the student, "You see, you are 75 years
old and married to a 30 year old woman which is legal, but not logical.
Your wife has a 22 year old lover which is logical but not legal. And
your wife's lover failed his exam but you just gave him an "A"
which is neither legal nor logical."
<><>

Things Never to say to a Cop.

1. I can't reach my licence unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey you must have been doing about 125 mph to keep up with
me. Good job.

5. Are you Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to
be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk are you?

8. I pay your salary.

9. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
warning too.

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? OK, just so one of us
does.

11. I was trying to keep up with the traffic. Yes, I know there are
no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the officer says, "Gee your eyes look red, have you been
drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with "Gee Officer, your
eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
<><>

Stupid Teacher.

There was this teacher who said, Jimmy look out the window
He looked. Do you see that tree outside? Jimmy said Yes.
The teacher asked Does it exist? Jimmy said Yes.

Then the teacher told Jimmy to go outside and look at the sky.
He returned in a couple of minutes ad she asked, Did you see the
sky. Jimmy said Yes. The teacher asked Does it exist?
Jimmy said Yes.

The teacher asked Did you see God? Jimmy said No.
The teacher said Exactly, that's because he doesn't exist.

A little girl raised her hand -- Jimmy do you see the tree outside?
Jimmy said Yes. Then the little girl asked Did you see the sky
when you went outside? Jimmy said Yes.

Then the little girl said Did you see the teacher's brain?
Jimmy said No.

Then the little girl said That's because it doesn't exist.
<><>

A joke from one of my Joke Books.

A man lives with his elderly mother and his cat and he loves them
dearly but he wanted to go on a holiday so he needed to find
someone to look after them. So he asked his friend. The friend
said, "Sure."

So the man went on holiday and as soon as he got there, he rang
to see if his cat was all right. "How's my cat doing?" he asked.
"Well actually," the friend explained, "She's dead."

How did that happen?" asked the man. "Well she was playing on
the roof with a ball of string and she fell."
"Oh, that's horrible..? he said, "Well, how's my mother?"

"She was on the roof playing with a ball of string as well."
<><>

A couple of quotes to finish with.

If life hands you lemons ... throw them back at life and say --
I WANT CHOCOLATE.

If you can't hold your friends in your arms . . .hold them in
your heart.
<><>;

That is it for tonight, my friends, I hope you found something
of interest. Look after yourselves and each other.
My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 742 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 3rd June, 2011.
<><><>

Stolen Photo.

2011-06-26T13:03:00.012+10:00

Post 741 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 26th June, 2011.

Hello Everyone ~~ It is a pleasant day here, sunny and about 15 C which
is almost 60 F. I am inside doing this and hope to watch 2 games of football
one of which is a Footy flashback of the main game. I think we might win
both, but never too sure. My son John barracks for West Coast and I go for the
Carlton Blues. This is AFL football, the main brand of football in Victoria at least.

Carlton won the first match that was 16 years ago, but West Coast played much
better in the current match which we lost. There's always next week.!!

I hope you are all doing well and enjoying your warmer weather and longer
days. My brother Peter and his daughter recently visited me and then went
on to my nephew Marcus; 50th birthday. See more photos etc on Peter's
blog. I stole this one from him, and it is too far for him to come back and
"get" me for stealing it. I guess he could sue me from a distance. Ssh.

The birthday boy, Marcus, Vicki and Peter (of the twisted face) his words, not mine.

I had another lovely visit from a granddaughter, Kristen who got her licence
earlier this year, so she is 18. It was great to see her and she did quite a few
things for me, like hanging out washing that I managed to get in later.
She could only stay one night as she had to work at a Pasta and Pizza place
in Geelong where she lives with 2 other girls. Thanks Krissy for your help
and kindness. She is also doing a Beauty Course as well for the future.

Well it is about time for some jokes --First one from my cousin Karyn in N.Z.
Thanks Karyn for the Australian Poem "Goodbye Granddad."

The word 'dunny" used to be used for outdoor toilets. I don't like the word.

Goodbye Granddad.
Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime.
He never had a day off crook (sick) - gone before his time.
We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet.

The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout.
The Constable had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.
There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace.
Of redbacks (spiders) quietly creeping and death from outer space.

No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt.
When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,
"I reckon I can clear it up," said Dad with trembling breath,
You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death."

"This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
And they reckoned that our farm was just the place to look for oil.
So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials.
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.

"Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste.
But I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste.
So I moved the dunny over it -a real smart move I thought.
I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,
Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,
The dunny was relocated when that night he had to go.

And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash--
Well he always used to hold his breath - - -
Until he heard the splash!!"
<><>
Thanks to my friend in Queensland, Lee, for a Health Message.

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would
be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops AND eats their greens and only lives
fifteen years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing ...... yet lives for 450 years.

AND YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE.
<><>
Another from Lee called "Women's ass size study"

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their
asses, the results were pretty interesting.

105 of women think their ass is too fat

10% of women think their ass is too skinny

20% want to change their ass --and

the remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good
man and wouldn't trade him for the world.
<><>

Some more interesting facts from my son John. Thanks again John.

The Banana plant cannot reproduce itself. It can only be propagated'
by the hand of man.

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower
air density.

The University of Alaska spans four time zones.

In ancient Greece tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional
proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song
"Happy Birthday."

A comet's tail always points away from the sun,

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more deaths and illness than the
disease it was intended to prevent.

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why
it is found in some medicines.

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when
knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up,
you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense
lost is sight.

Strawberries are the only fruit whose seedsgrow on the outside.

Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per
hundred grams.

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

Due to the Earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher
than 15,000 meters.

Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino: in Italy.

Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they
could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.

Everything weighs one per cent less at the equator.

For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel
are needed at lift-off.

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

And last, but not least :

In 2011, July has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays, and 5 Sundays. This happened
once every 823 years. This is called 'money bags'. So send this last one to
5 and money will arrive in 5 days. Based on Chinese Feng Shui, the one
who doesn't pass it on will have money troubles for the rest of the year.

Like John, I do not believe this, but I'm not taking any chances.!!!
<><>

A short one from a granddaughter -- Thanks Bec.

The first testicular guard, the 'Cup' was used in Hockey in 1874
and the first helmet was used in 1974.

That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their
brain is also important.

(Ladies,,,,,, Quit Laughing.) Sorry guys!!!
<><>

One from my friend in Canberra - Thank you Linda for this one.
FORGOT MY GLASSES.

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my
time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with
the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told her I had joined a
parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You are almost 70 years old and you are going
to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "For heaven's sake, where are your glasses? This is a
membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do. I signed up for five
jumps a week.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.!!
<><>

A few quotes to finish with. - - -

Forty is the old age of youth; fifty is the youth of old age.

Middle age is later than we think and sooner than expected.

Birthdays are good for you and statistics show that the people
who have the most live the longest.

My Friend ~ When weare together, you bring joy to my heart
Full of love and kindness. You've blessed me from the start.

The road to a friend's house is never long. - - Danish Proverb.
<><>
Enough for tonight my friends. I hope you found something of interest.
Look after yourselves and each other. Find some joy in every day.
My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 741 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 26th June, 2011.
<><><>

A Happy Visit.

2011-06-19T12:03:00.012+10:00

Post 740 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 10th June, 2011.

Hello Everyone ~~ I hope all is as well at your place as it is at mine. I am getting
better at walking unaided, indoors. Still glad of the walker when I get tired
and always use it outdoors. I am not outdoors a lot, this cold weather.

Well, my brother Peter and his daughter Vicki arrived on Thursday for a
brief visit and left Friday afternoon. I forgot to take photos, sorry about
that, so put some old ones on. We have both lost a bit of weight since
these. Peter's face has improved a bit, and didn't look too bad to me, so
I greeted him with "You don't look TOO bad," and got a similar reply !!

He still has trouble with the eye that won't close and it waters or else it
is dry, so he has drops and ointment for it. And he managed to eat OK.
We had a nice lamb roast and next day some Sweet and Sour Chicken.
He managed both quite well, but from his point of view, maybe it wasn't
so easy. We talked and laughed a lot and my son John spent a lot of
time with us here. It was so great to see both Vicki and her Dad.

They went on to Peter's middle son, Marcus who turns 50 next week
to have a BBQ yesterday and then go to the football at night and I think
they will all go out for a meal today. Peter flew down and Vicki flew
from Adelaide and she drove Peter up which was good. He got the OK
from his doctor to drive, but probably should only do short trips for now.

April, 2009.

February, 2006. with Vicki.

September, 2010.

Christmas Day, at Gympie, 2010.

Yesterday I did some more cooking so didn't get here to post, but will now try
to find some jokes for you.
First one comes from my good friend Patty called "Senior Sex."
Thanks Patty.

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in
good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After my wife and I make love I am
usually cold and chilly, then after we make love the second time, I am
usually hot and sweaty.?"

Later after examining the elderly gentleman's wife, the doctor said,
"Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns you
would like to discuss with me?"

She replied she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then told her, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He
claims he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first
time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old man," she replied. That's because the first time is usually
in January and the second time is in AUGUST."
<><>

A couple from my cousin in New Zealand. Thank you Karyn.

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy went to
the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father
During World War 2, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked
urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in
my attic.

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need
to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors.
This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, placed
the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances
can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly
sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind, but I do have one more
question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"
<><>
$5.37. Thanks Karyn.

$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Tim Horton's said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something
that used to be a Lifesaver. Having already handed the kid a five-spot,
I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change, when the kid
with the Elmo hairdo said the worst thing anyone has ever said to me. He said,
"It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to, and then heard the sound of change
hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupified. I am only 57, not yet even 60.A mere child. Senior
Citizen?

I took my food and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with
Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode
to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me
like I could be that easily distracted. What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude, Can't get too far without your keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain
at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly. It could happen to anyone."

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition,
but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still
nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut
on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to be finally
leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the
bowels of my stomach: hunger. My stomach growled and churned, and I
reached out to grab my coffee, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back to the
restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black
nail polish. All I could think, "What is this world coming to?"

All I could say, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point, I
was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then
go straight home and apply for Social Assistance benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young
lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was
holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this
in my truck by mistake.

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words, "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like
this all the time."

All of this to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing
some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And No I told the officer, I'm not too
old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I
handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly
sat in my rocking chair and covered my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
Pass this on to any old fogies on your list.

P.S. Save the earth.... it's the only planet with chocolate. !!!!
<><>
"Some Additions to your Dictionary." Thank you Gina.

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now
growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLORS: A place where women go to curl up and dye.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after
they are dead.

COMMITTEE: a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: A grape with sunburn

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. Similar to my character lines.
<><>

Well, it is time to say Bye for now my friends. I hope your lives are happy
and that you are taking care of yourselves and each other. My love and
best wishes to you all. I so enjoyed seeing my little brother Peter again
and I hope his face improves a lot more yet. Thank you Vicki for your
help while you were here. I meant dishes etc NOT throwing things out,
with John aiding and abetting. I hope that Marcus is enjoying his birthday
celebrations. Cheers, Merle.

Post 740 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 19th June, 2011.
<><><>

The Shoebox.

2011-06-11T20:52:00.006+10:00

Post 739 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 12th June, 2011.

Hello again Everyone ~~It is nice to be back with you again. It is nice to be
anywhere I guess. I am doing fine and have the day off next week. So it
is to be fortnightly visits to the Physio. She can see that I am improving
and doing the exercises, so that makes it worthwhile to get some praise.

I hope your lives are going well too and you are all as well as you can be. I hear
via blogs from the Northern Hemisphere that the weather is nice and warm.
over there and even too hot in some places. We have been having quite cold days
and early mornings VERY cold, so I stay in bed longer, and indoors most of the time.
We have had a few nice days mixed in with the others.

The first item is called "The Shoebox" and was sent to me from my friend
in Canberra Linda. Thank you so much for this one.

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared
everything and talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each
other, except that the little old woman had a shoebox on the top of her closet that
she had cautioned her husband never to open it or ask her about it.

For all those years. he had never thought about the box, but one
day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she
would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the
shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed it was time
he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found
two crocheted dolls and a stack of money, totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.

"When we were married," she said, "my grandmother told me the
secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me If I
ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only
two precious dolls were in the box, She had only ever been
angry with him in all those years of living and loving. He almost
burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this
money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls.."

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll beat him to death,
Because I don't have time to crochet.
<><>

Next one is from Mountain Wings and is called "The Secret
of Success."

"Sir, what is the secret of your success?" a reporter asked
a bank president.

"Two Words."

"And sir what are they?"

"Right Decisions."

"And how do you make the right decisions?"

"One Word."

"And sir, what would that be?"

"Experience."

"And how do you get experience?"

"Two words."

"And sir, what are they?

"Wrong Decisions,"
<><>
Next ones were sent by my son John. Thanks John.
Interesting facts for those who think they know everything.

If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on the
right side of your mouth. If you are left handed, you will tend
to chew your food on the left side of your mouth.

To make half a kilo of honey, bees must collect nectar from over
2 million flowers.

Heroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by Bayer.

People in nudist colonies play volleyball more than any other
sport.

Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant
is considered an insult.

Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952 but
he declined.

Astronauts can't belch - there is no gravity to separate liquid
from gas in their stomachs.

Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine
as a mouthwash.

The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was
the fashion to shave them off.

Because of the speed at which the Earth moves around the Sun,
it is impossible for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and
58 seconds.

The night of January 20th is "Saint Agnes's Eve," which is regarded
as a time when a young woman dreams of her future husband.

Google is actually the common name for a number with a million
zeros.

It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it
never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times.

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the
ground for thousands of years.

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at
only one end.

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When
a human body is dehydrated, it's thirst mechanism shuts off.

Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of
tobacco related diseases,

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and
newspapers.

Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman
numerals.

The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in
almost every English speaking country to bring in the New Year.

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by
61 per cent.

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't
smoke unless it is heated above 450 F.

The roar we hear when we place a sea-shell next to our ear is
not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through
the veins in the ear.

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.
<><>
Some of those are very interesting, especially the last one.
I thought that was enough for now, have more for another time.

A rather risque joke from my cousin in New Zealand.
Thanks Karyn. I think.

Next time you use a pair of latex gloves, you're gonna
think about this and smile.

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady,
was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he
put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't." she replied.

"Well said the dentist, "there's a building in Canada with
a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up
to the tank and dip their hands in, let them dry, then peel
off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the
procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" He asked.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made."

(Gotta watch those little old ladies. Their minds are
always working.)
<><>

Next one is from Linda in Canberra. Thanks my friend.
It is good to have one friend in Canberra.

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU ARE OLD AND
DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian,
Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told
him he had left the light on in the garden shed, which
she could see from the bedroom window. George opened
the back door to go turn it off, but saw that there were
people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police,who asked, "Is someone in your
house?" He said "No, but some people are breaking
into my garden shed and stealing things from me."

Then the police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy.
You should lock your doors and an officer will be along
when one is available." George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he
phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there
were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't
have to worry about them because I just shot and killed
them both, the dogs are eating them up right now."
And he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police cars, a SWAT team, two
fire trucks, a Helicopter, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance
showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars
red-handed.

One of the Policeman said to George, "I thought you said
that you shot them."

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available."

(True story) Don't mess with old people.
<><>
Lastly a nice one from Mountain Wings. It is called
"Tell Them Now."
If with pleasure you are viewing
any work a man is doing, If you like him or you
love him, tell him now.

Don't withhold your approbation. 'till the parson
makes oration. And he lies with snowy lilies on his brow.
For no matter how you shout it, he really won't care about
it. He won't know how many teardrops you have shed.
So if some praise is due him, now's the time to slip it
to him. For he cannot read his tombstone when he's
dead.

More than fame and more than money is the comment
kind and sunny and the hearty warm approval of a
friend, For it gives to life a savor. And it makes you
stronger, braver, And it gives you heart and courage
to the end.
If he earns your praise, bestow it. If you like him,
let him know it. Let the words of true encouragement
be said. Do not wait 'till life is over
and he's underneath the clover. For he cannot read
his tombstone when he's dead. ~~Berton Braley.
<><>

Time to close and say Goodnight, and get me off to
bed and my electric blanket. Take good care of each
other and yourselves my friends.
I had a phone call from Peter to say he was flying down
to Victoria to his son Marcus' 50th birthday and was coming
to see me also which was wonderful news. BUT most of
the airports have cancelled most flights because of the
volcanic ash over New Zealand Sydney and Melbourne.
So I hope it clears up and flights will return.
Love and Best wishes to you all, Cheers, Merle.

Post 739 ~ ~ Sunday, 12th June, 2011.
<><><>

From A Distance.

2011-06-05T13:46:00.006+10:00

Post 738 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 5th June, 2011.

Hello Everyone ~~ I hope things are going very well for you all and that you
are all keeping well. I am doing very well. My Physio lady is surprised each
week with how much improvement I am showing and she knows that I am
doing my exercises. I use a stick some of the time and a little less with the
walking frame. I even cheat a bit and walk unaided, still a bit wobbly.
My brother Peter put on a good post about blogging and what it means.

The first item today is from Mountain Wings, called "From A Distance."

From a distance the world looks blue and green
And the snow-capped mountains white
From a distance the ocean meets the stream
And the eagle takes to flight.

From a distance there is harmony
And it echoes through the land
It's the voice of hope
It's the voice of peace
It's the voice of every man.

From a distance we all have enough
And no-one is in need
And there are no guns, no bombs, and no disease
No hungry mouths to feed.

From a distance we are instruments
Marching in a common land
Playing songs of hope
Playing songs of peace
They're the songs of every man.

God is watching us
God is watching us
God is watching us from a distance.

From a distance you look like my friend
Even though we are at war
From a distance I just cannot comprehend
What all this fighting is for.

From a distance there is harmony
And it echoes through the land
And it's the hope of hope
It's the love of love
It's the heart of every man
It's the hope of hope
It's the love of love
This is the song of every man.

And God is watching us
God is watching us
God is watching us from a distance
Oh, God is watching us
God is watching us
God is watching us from a distance.

From the song "From a Distance"

Written by Julie Gold, sung by Bette Midler.
<><>
Now for some jokes. My dear friend in Canberra, Linda sent me
a nice lot yesterday. Many thanks Linda.

No-one believes seniors . . . .everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had
married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbor-
hood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered and found the old desk they had shared
where Andy had carved --I love you Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, and
practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, and not sure what
to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty
thousand dollars.
Andy said, "We have to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in
their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking
for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find
a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday. Sally said, "NO."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it in the attic."
Sally said, Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said, "Tell us
the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . .

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here."
<><>

Another from Linda called "The Indian With One Testicle."

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name
was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him
Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If
anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them.
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning
Onestone. He jumped up and grabbed her and took her deep into the forest
where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the
next day, until Blue Bird died of exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do..
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone.
Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest, then he made love
to her all day and made love to her all night,made love to her all the next
day and made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die.

Why???

Oh Come on.... take a guess.

Think about it.

You're going to love this

Everyone knows.....

You Can't kill Two Birds with Onestone.
<><>
I hope no one was offended by that joke.
Now some shorter ones again from Linda.

Proof- Reading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self before Shooting Wife and Daughter. It took the Editor2 or 3
readings before he realized that what he was reading was impossible.

Something went wrong in Jet crash. Expert says "Really? Ya think?

Police Begin to Run Down Jaywalkers. That's taking things a bit far.

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over. What a Guy.

Miners Refuse to Work after Death. No-good-for-nothing. Lazy so-and-so's.

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendants. See if that works any better
than a fair trial.

If Strike isn't settled Quickly, it may last awhile. Ya think?

War Dims Hope for Peace. I can see where it might have that effect.

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures. Who would have thought?

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide.
They may be on to something.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
You mean there s something stronger than Duct Tape?

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge.
He probably IS the battery charge.

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft.
That's what he gets for eating those beans.

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group. Weren't they fat enough?

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks. Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut inn Half. Chainsaw Massacre all over again.

Hospitals are Sued by 7 foot doctors. Boy are they tall?

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery. Hundreds dead.
<><>

Last one tonight is from Mountain Wings. called "ONE DAY JOB."

After landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter - a good find for many retirees
I lasted less than one day.

About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud, very unattractive,
mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling
obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good Morning and welcome to
Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "H**l no, they ain't twins.
The oldest is nine, and the other one is seven. Why the h**l would you
think they are twins? Are you blind or just stupid?

So I replied, " I'm neither blind or stupid, Ma'am. I just couldn't believe
someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for
shopping at Wal-Mart."

My supervisor said I was probably not cut out for this line of work.
<><>

Take care all my dear friends and look after yourselves and each other.
My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle. I had a nice surprise
this evening to have a phone call from another cousin, John R, Thanks
John. Nice to hear from you. We usually just e mail each other.

Post 738 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 5th June, 2011.
<><><>

With Age Comes Wisdom.

2011-05-27T13:32:00.011+10:00

Post ~ ~ ~737 ~ ~ Friday, 27th May, 2011.

Hello again my friends ~ ~ I have had appointments every day this week, so
I am taking the benefit of a day at home to post. I still have lots of exercises
to do, but the Physio could see a positive change and said my balance was not
so wobbly. She loaned my a crutch with an arm guard over a walking stick, so
it gives more help than the stick alone. Both my doctor and yesterday the
Urologist told me that I had 2 heart attacks, so no wonder I feel weak. They
did no damage to my heart, so that is wonderful. Thanks to the care of the
medical team at the hospital. So maybe I can aim for 78.

I hope all is well with everyone. I have heard about the killer tornados and feel
so very sorry for those in their path. It must be so terrible frightening to go
through them. My sympathy to those who have lost loved ones and their
homes and livelihoods. I pray there will be no more really bad ones.

My little brother Peter has a birthday tomorrow. He will turn 75 and is still
struggling with the Bells Palsy as there hasn't been any real improvement as
yet. His vision has been affected as well as the fallen face. I hope and pray
there will soon be some signs of leaving him.

Now for some jokes for you. First one is the title one from my dear friend
Patty. It is called "With Age Comes Wisdom." Thank you Patty.

With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information
and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out
to the rest of our bodies.

So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror, I will think."Good Grief
look how smart I am.

Must be where the expression "Smart Ass" came from.
<><>

Next one from my cousin Karyn in New Zealand. Thanks Karyn.
It is called "The Flower Show."

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall
where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said,
"Life is so boring, we never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my
clothes off and streak through the stupid flower show."

"You're on" said the other old lady holding up a $10 note..
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and when
she was completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through
the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside. her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall,
followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the front door
surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won first prize as 'Best Dried Arrangement."
<><>
Next short one come from my cousin Jenny. Thank you Jenny.
I have lots of cousins, as you may have noticed.
This is called "Spread the Stupidity."

Why do department stores make the sick walk all the way to the back of
the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can by cigarettes
at the front?

Why do people order double cheese-burgers, large fries and a Diet coke?

Why do banks leave their doors open, and chain up their pens?

Why do we have cars worth Why of dollars in our driveways and
put our useless junk in the garage?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline --"Psychic Wins Lottery?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why is abbreviated such a long word?

Why do doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish-washing liquid
made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called 'rush hour'?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know the indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
<><>

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Boston, they have weekly husband's
marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe,
who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary to take a few
minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married
to stay married to the same woman for all those years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands. "Wella, I'va tried to treat
her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy
for the 25th anniversary.

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the
husbands here. Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your
50th anniversary?"

Giuseppe proudly replied, "I'ma gonna go pick her up."
<><>

Next ones from my cousin, David, Jenny's brother. Thanks David.

Can you imagine a nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the
while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure.

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling If you know the Bible
even a little you'll find this hilarious. It comes from a Catholic elementary
school test.

Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following
statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been
retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

!, In the first book of the bible, guinessis God got tired of creating the world,
so He took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve wer created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark
Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lot's wife was a Pillar of Salt during the day, but a ball of fire during
the night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble
with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel
like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles..

7. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread
which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert afterwards. Moses went
up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.

9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada, Then Joshua led the
Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to
stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar, He
fought the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found
Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John, the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule. which says do unto others before
they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get
the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the Lord were called the twelve decibels.

22. The epistles were the wive of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which
is another name for marriage.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called Monotony.
<><>

One last one from my friend Linda in Canberra. Thanks Linda.
Stupid question . . . Excellent response.

For those who don't know Major General Peter Cosgrove, this gentleman
is an Australian. General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radi0 recently.
Please follow his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns
and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this. This is
one of the best comeback lines of all time. In a portion of an ABC radio
interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was
about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his Military Headquarters.

Female interviewer:
So, General Cosgroe, what things are tyou going to teach these young
boys when they visit your base?

General Cosgrove: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeingm archery
and shooting.
Female Intervie
wer: Shooting? That's a bit irresponsible isn't it?

General Cosgrove: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the
rifle range.

Female Interviewer: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?

General Cosgrove: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you are equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to become a prostitute
but you're not one are you?

The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this
interview was over.
<><>

Time to call it a day my friends. Look after yourselves and each other.
My love and best wishes. Cheers, Merle. Happy Birthday Little brother
for tomorrow.

Post 737 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 27th May, 2011.
<><><>

Sunday Paper.

2011-05-22T12:41:00.004+10:00

Post ~~ 736 Sunday, 22nd May, 2011.

Hello again my friends ~~ It is so good to be back with you all. I am
feeling better each day and can do all I need to do once again, a bit
slower, but hey there is no hurry. Again I would like to thank you all
for the good wishes and comments.
There were two people I could not get to their blogs to thank them for
the comments on Peter's updates and their good wishes. These rwo
were Jan and Michelle (anonymous) So a big thank you to you both,

The first item today is dedicated to all of us seniors, all the seniors you
know and to all of you who will become seniors.

"
WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?"
The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanding to know
where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam," said the newspaper employee, "Today is Saturday. The Sunday paper
is not delivered until tomorrow SUNDAY."

There was quite a long pause on the other ed of the phone, followed by a ray
of recognition as she was heard to mutter,
"Well, damn, that explains why no one was at church either."
<><>
Next story is rather long, but well worth a read. Thank you to my dear
friend Patty for this one. I really liked this story.

A successful business man was growing old and knew it was time to choose
a successor to take over the business.
Instead of choosing one of his Directors or his children, he decided to do
something different. He called all the young executives in his company together.

He said, "It is time for me to step down and choose the next CEO. I have
decided to choose one of you. " The young executives were shocked but
the boss continued, "I am going to give each one of you a SEED today- one
very special SEED. I want you to plant the seed, water it, and come back
here one year from today with what you have grown from the seed I have
given you.
"I will then judge the plants that you bring, and the one I choose will be
the next CEO.

One man named Jim, was there that day and he, like the others, received a
seed. He went home and excitedly told his wife the story. She helped him
get a pot, soil and compost and he planted the seed. Every day he would
water it and watch to see if it had grown. After about three weeks, some
of the other executives began to talk about their seeds and the plants that
were beginning to grow.

Jim kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew. Three, four, five weeks
went by. Nothing.

By now others were talking about their plants. But Jim didn't have a plant
and he felt like a failure.
Six months went by - still nothing in Jim's pot. He just knew he had killed his
seed. Everyone else had trees ad tall plants,, but he had nothing.
Jim didn't say anything to his colleagues, however he just kept watering
and fertilizing the soil. He so wanted the seed to grow.

A year went by and all the young executives of the company brought their
plants to the CEO for inspection.
Jim told his wife that he wasn't going to take an empty pot. But she asked
him to be honest about what happened. Jim felt sick to his stomach. It was
going to be the most embarrassing moment of his life, but he knew his wife
was right. He took the empty pot to the board room.

When Jim arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by the other
executives. They were beautiful - in all shapes and sizes. Jim put his empty
pot on the floor and many of his colleagues laughed and a few felt sorry for him.

When the CEO arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted his young executives.
Jim just tried to hide in the back. "My, what great plants, trees and flowers you
have grown," said the CEO. "Today, one of you will be appointed the next CEO."

All of a sudden, the CEO spotted Jim at the back of the room with his empty pot.
He ordered the Financial Director to bring him to the front. Jim was terrified. He
thought, "The CEO knows I am a failure. Maybe he will have me fired."

When Jim got to the front, the CEO asked him what happened to his seed, and
Jim told him the story.

The CEO asked everyone except Jim to sit down. He looked at Jim and then
announced to the young executives, "Behold, your next Chief Executive Officer."
His name is Jim." Jim couldn't believe it and hadn't even grown his seed.

"How could this be the new CEO?" asked the others.

Then the CEO said, "One year ago I gave everyone in this room a seed. I told
you to take the seed home, plant it, water it and brig it back to me today.
But I gave you all boiled seeds; they were dead.-it was not possible for them
to grow"

"All of you except Jim, have brought me trees, plants and flowers. When you
found the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for the one I
gave you. Jim was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a
pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one who will be the new

Chief Executive Officer."
<><>

If you plant honesty, you will reap trust.

If you plant goodness, you will reap friends.

If you plant humility, you will reap greatness.

If you plant perseverance, you will reap contentment.

If you plant hard work, you will reap success.

If you reap forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation.

So be careful what you plant now,
it will determine what you will reap later.

Good one Patty ~~ Thank you so much.
<><>

Next joke is from my friend WARREN. Thanks Mate.

Three drunks hailed a Taxi. The taxi driver seeing they were so wasted
when they got in, he just switched the engine on and switched it off,
and said we are here.

The first guy gave him money, 2nd guy said Thanks but the 3rd guy
slapped him. The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that
none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch.

So he asked, "What was that for?"
"Control your speed next time. you almost killed us."
<><>

Next joke was sent to me by my cousin Bill, Thank you.

A father walks in to a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy
3 ten cent coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly the little boy starts choking and going blue in the face. The father
realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the 10 cent coins but is still choking. Looking at his
so and panicking shouting for help.

A well dressed attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit
is sitting at a coffee bar reading her newspaper and sipping her cup of coffee,
At the soud of the commotion, she looks up, puts down her coffee, folds her
newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way
unhurried across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants takes hold of
the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gntly at first and then
ever so firmly... tighter and tighter !!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of
the 10 centsch, whih the woman deftly catches in her free hand,
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and
walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes
over to the woman and starts thanking her, saying,"I've ever seen anyone
do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor>"

"No," said the woman, "I'm with the Australian Taxation Office.
<><>

One from my son John named AFL vs NRL the football codes we have

36 have been accused of spouse abuse
7 have bee arrested for fraud.
19 have bee accused of writing bad cheques.
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71, repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit.
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have bee arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently are defendants in lawsuits and
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year.

Can you guess which organization this is AFL or NRL>

Neither.

I 's the 535 members of the AUSTRALIAN PARLIAMENT in CANBERRA>

The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year,
designed to keep the rest of us in line.
<><>

Last one for today- I thought I would do this during the day time with
better light etc, But it has been a grey day with pouring rain at times
so I have my light on - so defeated m purpose. I hope there are not
too many errors.

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all the rascally
behaviour going on. He sent one of His angels to earth to look into it.
When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes it's bad on Earth:
95 5 are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God was not pleased so He decided to e mail the 5% that were good
because He wanted to encourage them and give them a little
something to help keep them going.

Do you know what the E mail said?

Okay, I was only wondering. I didn't get one either.
<><>

Well that is enough for today my friends, I hope you found something of interest
and maybe a chuckle or two. Take good care of yourselves and each other.
My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 736 ~ ~ Sunday, 22nd May 2011.
<><><>

A Hug Certificate for you!

2011-05-17T19:49:00.002+10:00

Post 735 ~ ~ Tuesday, 17th May, 2011.

Hello my dear friends ~~ I don't promise to do a very long post as I am
tired tonight and my eyesight is awful at night. And also during the day.
I am feeling much better, but it sure has been a busy day. First my
Home Care Lady came, did my washing and hung it out and it was a
great day. Next I had to get a taxi and go to Physio where I met a lovely
girl named Anni and she gave me quite a bit of hope. I had been told to
only walk with the walking frame and therefore thought I might never
get off it. But this lady had me walk across the room and back alone
and said we would soon get to a walking stick, so I am hopeful.
To think I walked in to the hospital alone and unaided like a lamb to the
slaughter.

To continue with this busy day - my hairdresser came to my home and
cut and blow waved my hair, so that was great after the long lanky do
I had before. Then bless her heart, she brought in my washing for me,
then wanted to know if I needed anything from the shops. Lovely lady.
Then my friend Lorraine came and caught up with me and brought me
some of her special savoury scones, with bacon, capsicim and parsley
in them. She rolls the pastry out, puts filling in, then rolls the pastry
and cut into slices. I had my cousins Phyll and Gordon come then to
visit so we had a nice afternoon tea. Phyll brought soup and cake etc.
I hope all that hasn't bored you too much. And I will get round to all
of you who left messages and reply very soon individually.

Now first the title of this post - A Hug Certificate for you, sent by my
friend in Canberra. Thank you Linda. A great poem.
Dedicated to all my kind and caring blogging friends.

If I could catch a rainbow
I would do it just for you
And share with you its beauty
On the days you're feeling blue.

If I could build a mountain
You could call your very own;
A place to find serenity,
A place to be alone.

If I could take your troubles
I would toss them in the sea,
But all these things, I'm finding,
Are impossible for me.

I cannot build a mountain
Or catch a rainbow fair,
But let me be what I know best,
A friend who's always there.
<><>

Now to find a couple of jokes for you.
Happy IVGLGSW Day!

Today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day
so please send this message to someone you think fits the description
Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it from a
Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman. Remember this motto to
live by. Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, totally worn
out and screaming 'WOOO HOOOOO what a ride!!

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

Old age ain't no place for sissies.

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body
starts falling apart.

If you can't be a good example ~ then you'll just have to be a
horrible warning.

I'm not going to vacuum until Dyson makes one you can ride on.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.
<><>

Next one from my friend of lond standing, Barbara.
It is called "Goodbye Mum" Thanks Barbara.

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following
him around. If he stopped, she stopped. She kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you uncomfortable. It's just that you look so
much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you called out "Goodbye Mum" as I leave the
store, it would make me feel so happy."

She went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the
store, the man called out, "Goodbye Mum."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Peased he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went
to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you would be paying
for her things too."

Bet you thought this was going to be a tear-jerker.
Don't trust little old ladies!!!
<><>

Next is from my good friend, Gina in Melbourne. It is called
"Women who know Their Place." Thanks Gina.

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan
several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women
customarilt walked five paces behind their husbands.

She returned to Kabul recently and observed that women still
walked behind their husbands, Despite the overthrow of the
oppressive Taliban regime, the women seem happy to maintain
the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,
"Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once
tried so hard to change?"

The woman replied, " Land Mines."
<><>
Lastly a few warnings against Alcohol from Linda. Thanks again.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you
are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
friends over and over that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you
can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that
people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in
getting your a*s kicked.

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you
Kan tpye reel gode.
<><>

Well that is all for tonight, I will return!!! Thanks for reading. My
love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 735 ~ ~ Tuesday, 17th May, 2011.
<><><>

Home at Last.

2011-05-14T19:27:00.002+10:00

Post 734 ~~ Saturday 14th May, 2011.

Hello again all my dear friends ~~ Thank you so much for your concern, prayers etc for me in what
was supposed to be a two day trip. However I got a blood infection after the operation to crush
a large kidney stone, then after that I developed heart problems and from all I heard, I think I almost
died. I know I was very very sick. I spent 6 days in ICU, then a week in Cardiac Care, and the just over 2 weeks in Rehab doing exercises and getting some strength back. I found everyone really kind and caring in both the Hospital and the Rehabilitation Centre. I had wonderful care, and a few visitors. My son in Sunbury visited most nights and brought me magazines and cans of Sprite, which I find very refreshing. I don't drink tea or coffee, so water alone gets boring.

My daughter Kathy who lives 5 hours away, came and brought me home, then worked like a slave washing, cooking me some soup, and sweet and sour chicken. She also cleaned out my fridge and
cupboards and did some shopping for fresh fruit and vegetables etc etc. She had to go home on Friday afternoon as she has to take her two youngest to play football and netball. She said she would come back again, but I told her not to, that I would manage. Her daughter Kate is coming tomorrow to do any jobs etc. That is Kate the chef from her restaurant in Denilquin just over the border in New South Wales.
I hope all is going well for you all. I have missed my computer and the friends within it.
I will put a better post on in the next day or so. I am not typing too well and having to keep checking and altering words. At present I have to use a walking frame until the Pysio says I can use a stick.
I want to get to walking unaided like before.
I was quite angry to think that a little kidney stone might have taken me off. I have a large anuerysm
and fair enough if that takes me, or hit by a bus etc, but a kidney stone!!!
Will be back to you all soon. Again my sincerest thanks for you caring and concern. That meant a
lot to me over the past month and a bit. I had 380 e mails to sort out, and a whole heap of mail
to go through. But I am getting there. Also thank to my brother Peter for posting updates. He has
his own problems at present having suffered a Bells Palsy which they say will heal in 6 to 8 weeks.
I sure hope so. He tells me he is not in pain or even feeling sick. He has had to gi ve up hot drinks and has trouble eating and drinking as one side of his face is paralysed.

Bye for now, Love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 734 ~~ Saturday, 14th May, 2011.
<><><>

Update 4

2011-04-29T17:24:00.004+10:00

This should be my final update on Merle's health, she was released from hospital today for what should be a short stay at a rehabilitation centre, just do your push-ups Grandma was a 16 year old Grandsons advice.
Its been a much longer battle than we anticipated but she should be home and re-united with her computer within the next few days, I'm sure she will make a start on getting in touch with all her dear friends from blogland in the very near future.

Todays joke... I reckon I can get a little bold for my last one.

Free sex

There's a sign outside a Kiwi garage, "Fill up and get free sex. A
man fills up and says, "Well? The attendant says, "Law says there's
got to be a little competition. "Think of a number."
"Eight".says the man.
"Bad luck mate, it's nine." the attendant answers.

The man drives off, stops at the next pub, orders a drink and says to a
bloke standing at the bar, 'That garage down the road - it's a bloody
take. Sign says "Fill up and get free sex" and it's all B S.'

The bloke says, "No mate, you're wrong. Straight up.
No worries. My wife won twice last month."

It has been a pleasure to keep her in touch with you all.
Peter.

Update 3

2011-04-25T15:54:00.004+10:00

Hi to all, once again I am deputizing for my Sister, Merle has finally been moved into a ward and is feeling much more herself again, we spent 30 minutes on the phone and managed to crack a few jokes as well as the normal conversation.

There is some talk of putting a pacemaker in to correct an irregular heartbeat, the talk I have heard about this process is all positive so if it will help I'm all in favour of it

Merle was very upbeat about all the family attention she has had both from immediate and extended family, its always nice to know that loved ones are thinking of you, She is also very appreciative of the love and prayers from her Blog friends, I made no mention to her of my own minor health issues as she is a born worrier and doesn't need to concern herself with my small problems.

Now let me see if I can find a suitable joke???

With age comes wisdom...

A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Update #2

2011-04-20T22:05:00.002+10:00

Hi all, its Wed evening here in Australia and my big Sister is still in hospital, in fact the proposed move from ICU to a Ward hasn't happened yet so I guess we can safely deduce from that she is still a sick lady.

She was cheered considerably to hear that she had 18 of you wishing her well, she really misses her computer and blog and as this her 9th day away from her comfort zone I can well imagine the turmoil she is feeling.

Apart from passing along her thanks for all the prayers and good wishes the only other thing I can do Is find a joke for you so it will feel like a visit to Merle's blog.

I’ll hold the chickens.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to
that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, and a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

An update on Merle's health.

2011-04-15T19:56:00.005+10:00

Hi to all of you, the loyal band of readers of my Sister Merle's blog, this is her little Brother Peter reporting as requested from her hospital bed.

A couple of photos that Merle probably has never posted

Peter aged ab 3 and Merle ab 5

Merle ab 11, Dad, Peter ab 9, and our maternal Grandmother Aya.

I don't want to alarm anyone but quite frankly she gave us a bit of a scare over this last week, not that we had any particularly bad news from her medical staff, rather the opposite, without being able to pinpoint any major problems she just wasn't responding as expected, so she spent 4 days in ICU while they stabilized her.

The latest report from my Nephews John and Geoff is that they expect to transfer into a normal ward tomorrow which would indicate that the corner has been turned and she will soon be back to her normal cheerful self.

I must take a moment to praise the boys for their care and concern, this doesn't take anything away from her two girls either, its just that John living in the same town has more opportunity to help out and Geoff living in suburban Melbourne has been on hand during this week, to sum up on Merle's family they are all trumps which is what she deserves.

In the tradition of Merle's blog I thought a short prayer might be in order.

A Prayer

Dear Lord,

So far today, I am doing all right.

I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or self-indulgent.

I have not whined, bitched, cursed or eaten any chocolate. I have not even charged on my credit card.

Thank you for that!

However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that.

Amen.

Again upholding tradition I thought I should include a joke, this is one of her favourites.. I know because she sent it to me.

From Merle

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late.

I saw the back hoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers that I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", "Glory" and such. I preached and I preached, like I'd never preached before; from Genesis all the way to Revelation -- I wasn't going to let this homeless man go without someone taking notice of the service.
I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for more than 20 years."

Asleep in the arms of someone who cares.

2011-04-07T23:02:00.010+10:00

Post 733 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 8th April, 2011.

Hello Everyone ~~ Just a quick post before I go to Melbourne.
I am fairly confident all will be well, and thank you so much, all
the good people sent messages of good luck, prayers etc.
I really do appreciate my blogging friends.

I hope all is going well for you and your lives are enjoyable.

My dear friend Barbara sent me an e mail today with the title
of the post with the terrific photo in it. Thank you Barbara.

Asleep in the Arms of someone who cares.

This is a Chief Master Sergeant in the USAF serving in Afghanistan.

As high as you can go in enlisted ranks (E-9)

Wouldn't it be fitting if this went completely around the world.

John Gebhardt's wife, Mindy said this little girl's entire family was
executed. The insurgents intended to execute the little girl also,
and shot her in the head. . . but they failed to kill her.

She was cared for in John's hospital and is healing up, but continues
to cry and moan.

The nurses said John is the only one who seems to calm her down, so
John spent the last four nights holding her while they both slept in
that chair. The girl is coming along with her healing.

He is a real Star of the war, and represents what the combined
service is trying to do.

This, my friends, is worth sharing. Go for it. You'll never see things
like this on the news/ Please pass it on and keep it going.

The world needs to see pictures like this and needs to realise that what
we're doing over there is making a difference.

Even if it is just one little girl at a time.
<><>
Now to find a few jokes. First one is from my friend Gina. Thank you.
The Old Italian Gardener.

An old Italian Gardener lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his
annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote
a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you
would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa.

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop. Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie.

At 4 am the next morning. FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies. Theu apologised to the old man
and left.

The next day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do
under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie.
<><>

One from my friend Linda in Canberra. Thank you Linda. (I think).

Very, very interesting, scientifically proven . . . . . .

Six truths in Life....

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up to the ceiling at the same
time. a physical impossibility.

2. All idiots after reading No. 1 will try it.

3. And discover No, 1 is a lie.

4. You are smiling because you are an idiot.

5. You will soon pass this to another idiot.

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.

I sincerely apologize about this, but I am an idiot and I needed company.
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One from Mountain Wings. "Back of the Store."

The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts and I intended to
stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy
pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you
by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public
address system: "Will the gentleman who was looking for bigger breasts, please
meet me at the back of the store."
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Another from Linda called "Outdoor Sport -- Irish Style."

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section
and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah ," we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to
drive to the top of Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks
like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom,
killing himself stone dead.
Looking at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat
Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me."
There's more . . .

Moments later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too
and walks to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one
hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and let's him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down until he hits the bottom and breaks every
bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either"

IT IS NOT OVER YET . . . . .

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which
he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by it's legs and hurls himself off the cliff
and disappears down, and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. . . .

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

"Fook dat, lads. . . . "First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, then
Seamus parottshooting. . . and now Sean and his fook/n hengliding."
<><>

There are some repeats I know, so I'll close with another. It is my favorite
quick joke that I can remember.

There was a Rescue helicopter that could only cater for 10 persons, and
there were 10 men and one woman hanging on to the rope.

Nobody said anything for a while and then finally the woman said,
"Oh, well, I guess I will have to sacrifice myself."

AND -- All the men clapped.
<><>

Take great care my friends, and all being well, I will get back to you next
week. Look after yourselves and each other. My love and best wishes to
you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 733 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 8th April, 2011.
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More Fun for Merle.

2011-04-04T16:37:00.014+10:00

Post 732 ~ ~ ~ Monday, 4th April, 2011.

Hello Everyone ~~ I hope your lives are going well and life is good
for you all. I am OK, but have to go to Melbourne next Sunday for
the laser removal of a large kidney stone early on Monday, so I will
be glad when that is over. I have had x rays, ECG and blood tests.
I have faith in the Urologist and he is a specialist with the laser.

On to happier things - I have had a lot of visitors over the weekend.
My son Geoff and his wife Joanne came up and stayed Friday night
then went on further to get a trailer load of firewood. Geoff did some
work in the garden for me. John was away on another far ride to
Wellington, New South Wales, but got home safely yesterday.

My grand-daughter (the chef with the restaurant) rang to say she
and her brother and boyfriend were coming for a visit and to do some
shopping. So that was a nice surprise. Kate only gets Sundays off.
Some photos to show you. John called in to change 4 clocks back
from Daylight saving time, but Kate who is very tall had done them.

Joh and Me and Kate. (Joh is short for Johannes. )

John with his nephew Joh.
Scott and Kate.

John with Kate
at the left.

Kate inside after changing the
clocks for me.

Now to find some stories and jokes for you.
One from my dear friend Patricia in the U.S. Thanks Patty.

God's Grace. I wonder how many will skip reading this one because
of the name. But it is a good story.

There once was a man named George Thomas, pastor in a small New
England town. One Easter Sunday he came to the Church carrying a
rusty, bent old bird cage, and set it by the pulpit. Eyebrows were
raised and in response, Pastor Thomas began to speak. . . .

I was walking through town yesterday when I saw a young boy
coming forward to me swinging this bird cage. On the bottom of
the cage were three little wild birds, shivering with cold and fright.

I stopped the lad and asked, "What do you have there son?"
"Just some old birds," came the reply..
"What are you going to do with them?" I asked.

"Take them home and have fun with them," he answered. "I am
gonna tease them and pull out their feathers to make them fight.
I'm gonna have a real good time."

"But you'll get tired of those birds sooner or later. What will you
do with them then?"
"Oh. I've got some cats," said the little boy. "They like birds, so I'll
take them to them"

The pastor was silent a moment,
How much do you want for those birds, son?"

"Huh?? You don't want those birds mister. They are just plain old
field birds. They don't sing and they ain't even pretty."
"How much?" the pastor asked again.
The boy sized up the pastor as if he was crazy and said, $10."

The pastor reached into his pocket and took out a ten dollar note.
He placed it into the boy's hand. In a flash the boy was gone.
The pastor picked up the cage and gently carried it to the end of
alley where there was a tree ad a grassy spot. Setting the cage
down, he opened the door, and by softly tapping the bars,
persuaded the birds out, setting them free. Well that explained
the empty bird cage on the pulpit, and then the pastor began to
tell this story:
One day Satan and Jesus were having a conversation. Satan had
just come from the Garden of Eden, and he was gloating and
boasting, "Yes Sir, I just caught a world full of people down there.
Set me a trap, used bait I knew they couldn't resist. Got them all."

"What are you going to do with them?" Jesus asked.

Satan replied, " Oh, I'm gonna have fun. I'm gonna teach them to
marry and divorce each other, how to hate and abuse each other
I'm really gonna have fun."

"And what do you do when you are done with them?" Jesus asked.
Satan glared proudly, "Oh I'll kill them."

"How much do you want for them?" Jesus asked.
"Oh, you don't want those people. They ain't no good. Why, you
take them and they will just hate you and spit on you, curse you
and kill you. You don't want these people."

"How much? He asked again.
Satan looked at Jesus and sneered, "All your blood, tears and your life."
Jesus said, "DONE" Then He paid the price.
The pastor picked up the cage and left the pulpit..

I thank God every day for my blessed life. I'm not rich, don't live in
a mansion and don't have the nicest of material things, but I'm
healthy, have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food on the
table, a family that loves me and lifelong friends to get me through.
I'd say I have a lot to be thankful for.
<><>

Next one came from Mountain Wings. "Lost and Found."

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping. It was found by
an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she
commented: "That's funny, when I lost my purse, there was a
$20 bill in it. Now there are 20 $1. bills."

The boy quickly replied: "That's right, lady. The last time I found
a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
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My friend Linda in Canberra sent me the next joke. Thanks Linda.

A twenty year old Amish boy ad his father were paying their first
visit to a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything,
they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and
then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is that, Father?" The father, never having seen an elevator
before responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this is my life. I
don't know what it is."

While the father and son were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in
a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. She
rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and
his father watched the small numbers above light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number . . . and then
the numbers began to light up in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24 year old blonde
stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...

"Go, get your mother."
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A riddle from my friend Warren. Thanks, Mate.

Riddle of the Day.
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Bush is one.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his.
Cher claims she took on three.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it? Answer below.

^

^

^ The answer is a Last Name.
You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke, did you? Never too sure Warren !!!
<><>

One from Linda I think. "You Gotta Love This Doctor."
Thanks Linda for "Dr. Go Wei Soon."

Q. Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. True?

A. Your heart is only good for so many beats --don't waste it on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you
live longer. It is like saying you extend the life of your car by driving faster.
Want to live longer - - Take a nap.

Q. Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruit and vegetables?

A, You must grasp logistical efficiency. What do cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (leafy green vegetables)
And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of
vegetable product,

Q. Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A. No not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that mean they take the water out of the fruity bit, so you get
even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottoms up.

Q. How can I calculate my body/ fat ratio?

A. Well if you have body and you have fat, your ratio if one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one etc.

Q. What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A. Can't think of a single one sorry. My philosophy is No Pain-good.

Q. Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A. YOU ARE NOT LISTENING. Food are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they are permeated by it. How could getting more
vegetable be bad for you?

Q. Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle.?

A. Definitely not. When you exercise muscle it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q. Is chocolate bad for me?

A. Are you crazy? HELLO - Cocoa bean. Another vegetable. It best
feel-good food around.

Q. Is swimming good for your figure?

A. If swimming is good for your figure, explain whale to me.

Q. Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A. Hey, Round is a shape.

Well I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have
had about food and diets.
<><>

Well it is time to say Goodnight and get myself off to bed. Look
after yourselves my friends and each other. Love and Best wishes
to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 732 ~ ~ ~ Monday 4th April, 2011.
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