Wednesday, January 24, 2007

About Money.

Post 122 - - - - - - Wednesday, 24 th January, 2007.

Hi Everyone ~~ I hope you are all having a good day and neither too hot or too cold.
It has been a nice day here, didn't need air conditioner on and that is rare lately.
I went to have my eyes tested today, and they have deteriorated a bit more, with age,
so I hope new glasses will help there. It is rather late tonight, so I had better get going.

The first few lines were in an e-mail one of my grandsons sent me. Thanks Chris.

With money you can buy a house; but not a home.

With money you can buy a bed; but not sleep.

With money you can buy a book; but not knowledge.

With money you can see a doctor; but not good health.

With money you can buy a position; nut not respect.

With money you can buy blood; but not life.

With money you can buy sex; but not love.

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Another short piece sent by my friend Gwen and is called "Great Day"

Did you know that there are two days in your life that you can do nothing about.

One is "yesterday" and the other is "tomorrow."

We can only live for today Today we can - - - Love, Dream, Work, and

above all - - - - Enjoy !!! Thanks Gwen.

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As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for
a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery
way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man
did not stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late.

I saw the back hoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere
in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers that I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen", "Prase the Lord", "Glory" and such. I preached and I preached, like I'd never preached before; from Genesis all the
way to Revelation -- I wasn't going to let this homeless man go without someone taking notice of the service.
I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers
saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for more than 20 years."

<><> This was posted by Dixiechick and I thought it good enough to re-run it.

"I'm ashamed of you," the mother said. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible
thing to do."
"He threw a rock at me," the boy said. "So I threw one at him."
The mother stated emphatically, "When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me."
The boy replied, "What good would that have done? My aim is better than yours."
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College student: "Hey Dad. I've got some great news for you."
Father: "What, son?"
College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's List?"
Father: " I certainly do."
College student: "Well, you get to keep it."
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Little Johnny (again) was at his first day at school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put there right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he
started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag. . ." When his eyes fell on little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.

"Little Johnny, I will not continue till you put your hand over your heart."
Little Johnny repled, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher
asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

"Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says,'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."
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One day an out of work mime is visting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla
has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He
offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one.
The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers it is a great job. He can sleep all he wants and make fun of people and he draws biggger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to te top of his cage, crawls along a partition, and dangles from the top of the lion's cage. Of course this makes the lion furious, but the crowd oves it.

At the end of the day, the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow
larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling
over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run around the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me" but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back loking up at the angry lion and the lion says . . .
"Shut-up you idiot !! Do you want to get us both fired?"
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Two guys from Melbourne are quietly sitting in a boat at Lake Bolac fishing and sipping a VB (beer) when suddenly Dick says, "I think I am going to divorce my wife.
She hasn't spoken to me in over two months."

Bill takes a sip out of the stubby and says, "You'd better think it over, mate. Women like that are hard to find."

Well that is it for tonight, sleep is beckoning - - - Take care dear friends and enjoy the
rest of the week. Stay well, be happy. Cheers, Merle.

Post 122 - - - - - Wednesday, 24 th January, 2007.
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14 comments:

Karen said...

I loved what Chris sent you; it's all so true.

The septic tank joke was really funny. I have a joke I will email you; it made me laugh and I think you'd like it.

Have a great day! Love & hugs!

JunieRose said...

Merle,

Funny jokes as always!

I loved the little Johnny one best! :)


June

Dixiechick said...

Merle,

I am so glad that my joke was actually funny enough to post again. Thank you. See you tomorrow. Hope it stays cool for you.

Michelle said...

Merle i sympathise re the deterioration of eyes. I had mine tested also, i need bifocals! Now i know i have reached middle age LOL :o)

RUTH said...

Wonderful, wonderful......I shall go to bed smiling after catching up on all these wonderful jokes. Hope you get your new glasses ok.
Take care
Ruth

Kila said...

Loved the funny stories!

I hope you love your new glasses!

Peter said...

I'm going to steal that septic tank joke Merle it's a good one, stay well.

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Money is something I have seldom touched the past few months.

mreddie said...

The days that no heat or air conditioner are needed are the best ones. Hope the new glasses do the trick for you, I'm on the borderline of needing a new pair myself. ec

Lee said...

It's very muggy here again today, Merle and I just heard the rumblings of thunder in the distance, so hopefully, we will get some rain shortly...unless it skirts by us.

Mountain Mama said...

I hope your eye exam comes out ok and new glasses will do the trick for you. My lens are scratched up petty bad and I need to make a change too. About your funnies, where on earth do you find them?
I have never read so many at one time!

Jim said...

Hi Merle -- I'm glad your grandson e-mails you. My grandkids seldom do e-mail.
Your link to 'DixieChick' is a bad one. The link to her profile above in her comment has the right links to her blog.
..

Meow said...

What a great selection of things you have shared today, Merle.
Hope all is well with you, and your week is progressing nicely.
We are off to Bonnie Doon again in the morning ... yay (I can always picture Michael Caton in "The Castle" ... we're going to Bonnie Doon, we're going to Bonnie Doon !!).
Anyway, have a wonderful long weekend.
Take care, hugs, Meow

Jeanette said...

Dear Merle Hope your new glass do the trick for you.
Great jokes, how true about the money .and typical little Johnny he's always up to something. Take care. keep smiling, Janxxx