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Post 615 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 18th July, 2009.
Hello my friends ~ ~ The week has just flown by, as they all seem to do these days or
maybe it is because we are getting older. It is not only me either, because every day
we live we are getting older. The alternative is not attractive, so let's keep going.
Every day above ground is a pretty good day.I am late starting again tonight so will
get on with it. Hope you are all doing well and enjoying your lives.
The first item was sent to me a long time ago by my blogging friend Nick. Thank you.
You're . . . . .
My friend,
My companion,
Through good times and bad,
My friend,
My buddy,
Through happy and sad,
Beside me you stand,
Beside me you walk,
You're there to listen,
You're there to talk,
With happiness,
With smiles,
With pain and tears,
I know you'll be there, throughout the years.
<><>
First joke came from my dear friend Patty Lincoln. Maybe not a joke. Thanks Patty.
Forgetter Be Forgotten.
My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may sound funny
But, to me , that is no joke.
For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer !!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I rack my brain, but all in vain !
A zero is my score.
At times I put something away
where it is safe, but Gee,
The person it is safest from
Is, generally me.
When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then when the person walks away
Ask myself, now who was that?
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
Please send this to everyone you know, because I don't remember who I sent this to.
LIVE, LOVE, & LAUGH A LOT.
<><>
Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several traffic lights in Sydney.
Ahmed drives a Mercedes and lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money
to spend.. Hamid only brings home 2 to 3 dollars a day. Hamid asks Ahmed how he
manages to bring home a suitcase full of Ten dollar notes every day?
Ahmed said, "Look at your sign, it says you have no work, a wife and six kids to feed.
Aussies that see that do not feel as though they accomplish anything by giving you
money. You will still have no job and a large family whether they give you money or
not. Now look at my sign!!"
So Hamid looks at Ahmed's sign.
"I only need another $10 to move back to Lebanon."
<><>
Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London. Paddy happens to look in one
of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said, "Suits, $5.00
each. Shirts $2.00 each Trousers $2.50 per pair."
Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look. We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we
get back to Ireland, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you
be quiet, okay? Just let me do the talking cause if they hear your accent, they might
not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent."
"Right you are Paddy. I'll keep my mouth shut, I will," says Mick.
They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 ea,
and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my truck. . . ."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You are from Ireland, aren't you?"
"Well. . .yes," says a surprised Paddy, "How the hell did you know that?"
The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."
<><>
It is the Football Grand Final and a man makes his way to his seat and notices the
seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be
sitting there. "No," the neighbor, " the seat is empty."
The man said, "This is incredible. Who in his right mind would have a seat for the
Grand Final and not use it?"
The neighbor said, "Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come
with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven't been to
together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, . . .I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else,
a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head, "They are all at the funeral."
<><>
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding.
Older Woman : "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer : "Ma'am, you were speeding."
Older Woman : "Oh, I see."
Officer : "Can I see your license please ?"
Older Woman : I would give it to you, but I don't have one."
Officer : "Don't have one?"
Older Woman : "Lost it years ago for drunk driving."
Officer : " I see . . . Can I see your registration papers, please?"
Older Woman : "I can't do that."
Officer : "Why not?"
Older Woman : " I stole this car."
Officer : "Stole it?"
Older Woman : " Yes and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer : You what?"
Older Woman : His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back
up. Within minutes, 5 police cars circle her car. A senior officer slowly approaches
the car, holding his half-drawn gun.
Officer 2 : "Ma'am, could you step out of the vehicle please?"
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older Woman : "Is there a problem, sir?"
Officer: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered
the owner."
Older Woman : " Murdered the owner?"
Officer 2 : "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car?"
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2 : " Is this your car, ma'am?"
Older Woman : "Yes, here are the registration papers." The officer is stunned.
Officer 2 : " One of my officers claims you do not have a driver's license."
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the
officer. He examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2 : "Thank you ma'am. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license,
that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
Older Woman : "Bet the liar told you I was speeding too"
Don't mess with Old Ladies.
<><>
A few quotes before I close for tonight.
The indispensable first step in getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide
what you want. ~ ~ ~ Ben Stein.
The secret of my success is that I bit off more than I could chew and chewed as
fast as I could. ~ ~ ~ Paul Hogan.
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternising with
the enemy. ~ ~ ~ Henry Kissinger.
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have
car windows. ~ ~ ~ Erma Bombeck.
You ain't learnin' nothin' when you are talkin'. ~ ~ ~ Lyndon B. Johnson.
Love means not ever having to say you're sorry. ~ ~ ~ Erich Segal.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She is 97 now
and we don't know where the hell she is. ~ ~ ~ Ellen DeGeneres.
Bye for now folks. Have a great weekend. Love and best wishes to you all.
Cheers, Merle.
Post 615 ~~ Friday, 17th July, 2009. <><><>
Friday, July 17, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
Ann's Garden.
Post 614 ~ ~ Monday 13th July, 2009.
Dear Friends ~~ I hope you are all doing well and life is good for you. All well here and
Life is good. I went to the doctor today and got all good news, everything is a little
better than I expected, so both of us are really pleased about that.
Then after lunch my son Geoff called in after buying a load of wood for his heater in a
town away from here and stayed awhile and pulled some weeds from my garden. He
does so much in an hour, that I couldn't do in a week. So Many thanks Geoff again.
My friend Lorraine also called but it was too wet to do much outside in drizzly rain, but
she will come another day.
Yesterday my son John, put together a new computer desk for me and it has 7 shelves
and a drawer and should keep things tidier and where I can find them. It takes quite a
lot of room in my lounge, but I am mostly on my own, so no problem. Thanks John
for getting it done. I still have a few things to sort out to go into the shelves.
My dear friend Ann sent me the first item tonight. Thank you Ann.
I need a small favor.... If it's not too much trouble.
I am going away on vacation, and I need a friend to come over and water my plants
while I am gone. The plants are mostly geraniums and begonias. In hot weather they'll probably only need water twice a day. I'll be gone only 21 days. I've attached a photo
for your reference. I'll send you a postcard. Thanks.
P.S. The ladder is in the garage.
<><>
A few from the papers . . . . . .
Who can say this sentence ?
A Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great looking
Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, I love liver and cheese. The Collie replies , "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally the Chihuahua says, " Liver alone.....cheese mine."
<><>
You can beat the giant pig.
You are riding a bike at a constant speed. On your left side is a deep valley. On your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your bike and you cannot
overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.
You are on a blind bend. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous
situation?
Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you've had too much to drink.
<><>
A baby polar bear went to his Mum asking if he was really, truly sure he was a polar bear.
"Of course you are, " she said, "But ask your father if you really want to make sure."
So the baby polar bear finds Dad and asks if he is really, really sure he's a polar bear.
"Of course you are, my boy," says Dad. "You're pure white, you live in the Arctic, and
eat fish. So why ask if you are a polar bear?"
"Because I'm bloody freezing."
<><>
After I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25
years ago, we had a cheap flat, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.
"Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping
with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of
things."
"My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year
old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap flat,
driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed ane unable to even afford a TV."
<><>
Wise advice from an old Farmer.
Your fences need to be horse high, pig tight and bull strong.
Keep pigs, bankers and lawyers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered. . .not yelled.
Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
Don't judge people by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest trouble maker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from
your mirror every morning.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
Live simply. Love generously, Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
<><>
A drunken man who smelled like beer, sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty
bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few miutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?
"
The priest replies, "My son, it is caused by loose living, by being with cheap, wicked
women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with
prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunken man muttered in response, "Well I'll be damned." and went backto his paper.
The priest , thinking about what he said, nudged the man and apologised.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis.
The drunk answered, "I don't have it. Father. I was reading here that the Pope does."
<><>
A few quotes to conclude with. . .Tonight these are from a 6th century B C Chinese named Lao-tzu.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.
Be content with what you have; rejoice the way things are. When you realize there
is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives
you courage.
Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness.
Kindness in giving creates love.
I have just three things to teach you: simplicity, patience and compassion. These
three are your greatest treasures.
At the centre of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you
know what you want.
<><>
Time to say Bye for now with this post. Take great care of yourselves and each other.
May your lives be filled with joy. My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.
Post 614 ~ ~ ~ Monday, 13th July, 2009.
<><><>
Dear Friends ~~ I hope you are all doing well and life is good for you. All well here and
Life is good. I went to the doctor today and got all good news, everything is a little
better than I expected, so both of us are really pleased about that.
Then after lunch my son Geoff called in after buying a load of wood for his heater in a
town away from here and stayed awhile and pulled some weeds from my garden. He
does so much in an hour, that I couldn't do in a week. So Many thanks Geoff again.
My friend Lorraine also called but it was too wet to do much outside in drizzly rain, but
she will come another day.
Yesterday my son John, put together a new computer desk for me and it has 7 shelves
and a drawer and should keep things tidier and where I can find them. It takes quite a
lot of room in my lounge, but I am mostly on my own, so no problem. Thanks John
for getting it done. I still have a few things to sort out to go into the shelves.
My dear friend Ann sent me the first item tonight. Thank you Ann.
I need a small favor.... If it's not too much trouble.
I am going away on vacation, and I need a friend to come over and water my plants
while I am gone. The plants are mostly geraniums and begonias. In hot weather they'll probably only need water twice a day. I'll be gone only 21 days. I've attached a photo
for your reference. I'll send you a postcard. Thanks.
P.S. The ladder is in the garage.
<><>
A few from the papers . . . . . .
Who can say this sentence ?
A Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great looking
Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, I love liver and cheese. The Collie replies , "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally the Chihuahua says, " Liver alone.....cheese mine."
<><>
You can beat the giant pig.
You are riding a bike at a constant speed. On your left side is a deep valley. On your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your bike and you cannot
overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.
You are on a blind bend. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous
situation?
Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you've had too much to drink.
<><>
A baby polar bear went to his Mum asking if he was really, truly sure he was a polar bear.
"Of course you are, " she said, "But ask your father if you really want to make sure."
So the baby polar bear finds Dad and asks if he is really, really sure he's a polar bear.
"Of course you are, my boy," says Dad. "You're pure white, you live in the Arctic, and
eat fish. So why ask if you are a polar bear?"
"Because I'm bloody freezing."
<><>
After I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25
years ago, we had a cheap flat, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.
"Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping
with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of
things."
"My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year
old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap flat,
driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed ane unable to even afford a TV."
<><>
Wise advice from an old Farmer.
Your fences need to be horse high, pig tight and bull strong.
Keep pigs, bankers and lawyers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered. . .not yelled.
Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
Don't judge people by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest trouble maker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from
your mirror every morning.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
Live simply. Love generously, Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
<><>
A drunken man who smelled like beer, sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty
bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few miutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?
"
The priest replies, "My son, it is caused by loose living, by being with cheap, wicked
women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with
prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunken man muttered in response, "Well I'll be damned." and went backto his paper.
The priest , thinking about what he said, nudged the man and apologised.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis.
The drunk answered, "I don't have it. Father. I was reading here that the Pope does."
<><>
A few quotes to conclude with. . .Tonight these are from a 6th century B C Chinese named Lao-tzu.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.
Be content with what you have; rejoice the way things are. When you realize there
is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives
you courage.
Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness.
Kindness in giving creates love.
I have just three things to teach you: simplicity, patience and compassion. These
three are your greatest treasures.
At the centre of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you
know what you want.
<><>
Time to say Bye for now with this post. Take great care of yourselves and each other.
May your lives be filled with joy. My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.
Post 614 ~ ~ ~ Monday, 13th July, 2009.
<><><>
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
A Time for Everything.
Post 613 ~ ~ ~ Wednesday, 8th July, 2009.
Hello my friends ~ ~ I hope all is well at your place and you are enjoying all the days of
your lives. I am fine and went shopping with Kerry yesterday, so all stocked up again.
I have made a big Slow Cooker of steak and Kidney and vegies, and then put some nice
dumplings on the top. Smells and tastes good to me, this cool weather.
Today I had some blood tests done, to keep check on my diabetes etc - 3 monthly.
See my doctor on Monday. I was surprised to receive a letter from my clinic a couple of weeks ago and couldn't guess what it would be about. It said Happy Birthday and now
you are 75, would you like to be assessed for free, one hour with the nurse and your
regular doctor. I guess to see if I am capable of living alone and caring for myself.
So far, I don't see the need for an assessment. Does this happen in other countries?
My first item tonight will be familiar to many of you, but I do love it and like to post it
occasionally. It is from Ecclesiastes 3:18.
There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven
A time to be born and a time to die,
A time to plant and a time to uproot.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build.
A time to weep and a time to laugh,
A time to mourn and a time to dance,
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them.
A time to embrace and a time to refrain,
A time to serch and a time to give up,
A time to keep and a time to throw away,
A time to tear and a time to mend,
A time to be silent and a time to speak,
A time for love and a time to hate,
A time for war and a time for peace.
<><>
First joke is Why you should never take your partner shopping with you.
Letter - - - Mrs Fenton,
Our store is considering banning your family unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the last few months, all verified by our surveillance
cameras.
MEMO Re Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping.
1. June 15th: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts
when they weren't looking.
2. July 2nd" Set all the alarm clocks in 'home wares' to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. July 7th : Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. July 19th: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in
house wares. And watched what happened.
5. August 4th: Went to Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M & Ms on lay-by.
6. Sept. 14th : Moved a 'CAUTION -WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Sept 15th: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd
invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. Sept 23rd: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4th: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror and picked
his nose.
10. Nov 10th: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knew
where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dec 3rd: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission
Impossible " theme.
12. Dec 6th: In the auto department, practised his "Madonna Look" using different
sized funnels.
13. Dec 18th. He hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled
"PICK ME, PICK ME."
14. Dec 21st...When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the
foetal position and screams, "NO NO - it's the voices again."
(And last, but not least)
15. Dec 23rd: Went in the fitting room, shut the door and waited awhile then yelled
very loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here."
<><> I laughed typing some of those, so I hope no coffee was spilt.<><>
One day, when a seamstress was sewing near to a river, when her thimble fell into the
river. When she cried out.the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you
crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen in the water and she needed
it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord put his hand into the
water and pulled out a golden thimble set with sapphires.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.
Again the Lord asked, "Is this your thimble?" Again the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to
keep and she went home happy.
Some years later, she was walking with her husband along the river bank and her
husband fell in and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked why she was crying.
"Oh. Lord, my husband has fallen into the river."
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your
husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied. That is an untruth."
The seamstress replied. "Oh forgive me my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see,
if I had said No to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt, Then if
I said No to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'Yes'
you would have given me all three. Lord, I am not in the best of health and would not
be able to take care of three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a women lies, it's for a good and honourable
reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story and we are sticking to it.
<><>
If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer
model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting
a little dull...but that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's
especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I sllp and slide and skid and bump into
thingseven in the best of weather. My whitewalls are are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach our maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently .
But here's the worst of it. Almost every time I sneeze, cough or splutter . . .either
my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.... Doesn't stop us having a little fun though.
<><>
Steve had just gotten back from the doctors. The day after his check-up the doctor
called and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. First the good news,
You are very sick and only 24 hours to live.... now for the bad news, I should
have told you yesterday."
<><>
A nursery rhyme ~ Mary had a little watch, she swallowed it one day, now she's taking'Epsom salts to pass the time away.
But the Epsom salts they didn't work and time refused to pass.
So now if you want to know the time, just look up Mary's...... uncle, he's got a watch..
<><>
TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Maria.
<><>
Just a few quotes to finish tonight.
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
~ ~ ~ Jack Benny.
Oh. what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. ~ ~ Walter Scott.
The big secret in life is that there is no big secret . Whatever your goal, you can get there
if you are willing to work. ~ ~ ~ Oprah Winfrey.
Forty is the old age of youth. Fifty is the youth of old age. ~~Victor Hugo.
In love, one and one are one. ~ ~ Jean -paul Sartre.
<><><>
Bye for now my friends. Time to say Goodnight for now. Enjoy your lives and take
great care of yourselves and each other. My love and best wishes to all. Cheers, Merle,
Post 613. Wednesday, 8th July, 2009.
<><><>
Hello my friends ~ ~ I hope all is well at your place and you are enjoying all the days of
your lives. I am fine and went shopping with Kerry yesterday, so all stocked up again.
I have made a big Slow Cooker of steak and Kidney and vegies, and then put some nice
dumplings on the top. Smells and tastes good to me, this cool weather.
Today I had some blood tests done, to keep check on my diabetes etc - 3 monthly.
See my doctor on Monday. I was surprised to receive a letter from my clinic a couple of weeks ago and couldn't guess what it would be about. It said Happy Birthday and now
you are 75, would you like to be assessed for free, one hour with the nurse and your
regular doctor. I guess to see if I am capable of living alone and caring for myself.
So far, I don't see the need for an assessment. Does this happen in other countries?
My first item tonight will be familiar to many of you, but I do love it and like to post it
occasionally. It is from Ecclesiastes 3:18.
There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven
A time to be born and a time to die,
A time to plant and a time to uproot.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build.
A time to weep and a time to laugh,
A time to mourn and a time to dance,
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them.
A time to embrace and a time to refrain,
A time to serch and a time to give up,
A time to keep and a time to throw away,
A time to tear and a time to mend,
A time to be silent and a time to speak,
A time for love and a time to hate,
A time for war and a time for peace.
<><>
First joke is Why you should never take your partner shopping with you.
Letter - - - Mrs Fenton,
Our store is considering banning your family unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the last few months, all verified by our surveillance
cameras.
MEMO Re Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping.
1. June 15th: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts
when they weren't looking.
2. July 2nd" Set all the alarm clocks in 'home wares' to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. July 7th : Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. July 19th: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in
house wares. And watched what happened.
5. August 4th: Went to Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M & Ms on lay-by.
6. Sept. 14th : Moved a 'CAUTION -WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Sept 15th: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd
invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. Sept 23rd: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4th: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror and picked
his nose.
10. Nov 10th: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knew
where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dec 3rd: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission
Impossible " theme.
12. Dec 6th: In the auto department, practised his "Madonna Look" using different
sized funnels.
13. Dec 18th. He hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled
"PICK ME, PICK ME."
14. Dec 21st...When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the
foetal position and screams, "NO NO - it's the voices again."
(And last, but not least)
15. Dec 23rd: Went in the fitting room, shut the door and waited awhile then yelled
very loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here."
<><> I laughed typing some of those, so I hope no coffee was spilt.<><>
One day, when a seamstress was sewing near to a river, when her thimble fell into the
river. When she cried out.the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you
crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen in the water and she needed
it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord put his hand into the
water and pulled out a golden thimble set with sapphires.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.
Again the Lord asked, "Is this your thimble?" Again the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to
keep and she went home happy.
Some years later, she was walking with her husband along the river bank and her
husband fell in and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked why she was crying.
"Oh. Lord, my husband has fallen into the river."
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your
husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied. That is an untruth."
The seamstress replied. "Oh forgive me my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see,
if I had said No to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt, Then if
I said No to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'Yes'
you would have given me all three. Lord, I am not in the best of health and would not
be able to take care of three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a women lies, it's for a good and honourable
reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story and we are sticking to it.
<><>
If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer
model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting
a little dull...but that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's
especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I sllp and slide and skid and bump into
thingseven in the best of weather. My whitewalls are are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach our maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently .
But here's the worst of it. Almost every time I sneeze, cough or splutter . . .either
my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.... Doesn't stop us having a little fun though.
<><>
Steve had just gotten back from the doctors. The day after his check-up the doctor
called and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. First the good news,
You are very sick and only 24 hours to live.... now for the bad news, I should
have told you yesterday."
<><>
A nursery rhyme ~ Mary had a little watch, she swallowed it one day, now she's taking'Epsom salts to pass the time away.
But the Epsom salts they didn't work and time refused to pass.
So now if you want to know the time, just look up Mary's...... uncle, he's got a watch..
<><>
TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Maria.
<><>
Just a few quotes to finish tonight.
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
~ ~ ~ Jack Benny.
Oh. what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. ~ ~ Walter Scott.
The big secret in life is that there is no big secret . Whatever your goal, you can get there
if you are willing to work. ~ ~ ~ Oprah Winfrey.
Forty is the old age of youth. Fifty is the youth of old age. ~~Victor Hugo.
In love, one and one are one. ~ ~ Jean -paul Sartre.
<><><>
Bye for now my friends. Time to say Goodnight for now. Enjoy your lives and take
great care of yourselves and each other. My love and best wishes to all. Cheers, Merle,
Post 613. Wednesday, 8th July, 2009.
<><><>
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Before I was a Mom.
Post 612 ~~ Saturday, 4th July, 2009.
Happy Independence Day to the Americans who visit here. Have a great day.
Hello Everyone ~ ~ I hope all is well with you all and life is good. It is OK here, although the
weather has turned quite a bit colder. Which I expect is quite normal for winter. I hear next
week we are to have some frosts which means very cold mornings, but usually a nice day afterwards. I don't know where the week has gone, so will get on with this post right now.
The first item tonight was sent to me by my good friend, Patty. Thank you Patty.
Before I was a Mom, I never tripped over toys, or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about imminizations.
Before I was a Mom, I had never been puked on, pooped on, Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom, I never held a screaming child so doctors could do tests or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom, i never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom, I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I din't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom, I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure he was OK, I had never known the warmth, the joy,
the love, the heartache, the wonderment or satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.
May you always be overwhelmed by the Grace of God rather than the cares of life.
<><>
After that nice one from Patty, she also sent the next item. Thanks again my friend.
A first grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher
asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I am smarter than she is. I think I should be in the 3rd grade too."
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the Principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry : "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry : "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, " I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I only have two of?"
Harry, after a moment, : "Legs."
Ms. Brooks : "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why she would ask such a question.
Harry replied "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks : "What does a dog do that man steps into?"
Harry : "pants."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks : "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide before he could stop the answer.
Harry replied : "Bubble Gum."
Ms. Brooks : "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks : 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and
excitement?" Harry : "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth grade, I got
the last six questions wrong . . . . "
<><>
When the fellow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told
him that the rates depended on room size and number of people.
"Do you take children?" the man asked.
"No sir," replied the clerk, "Only cash and credit cards."
<><>
An English traveller, asked by Australian immigration if he had a criminal record, expressed some surprise that such a qualification was still required.
<><>
The miserly millionaire called a family conference. "I am placing a box of money in the attic."
he said. "When I die, I intend to grab it on my way to heaven. See to it that no-one
touches it until it's my time to go."
The family respected his wishes. After his death, the millionaire's wife looked in the attic.
The box was still there. "The fool." she said, "I told himm to put it in the basement.
<><>
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakes
after surgery to find himself in care of nuns in a Catholic hospital
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he would likke to pay
for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied in a raspy voice. "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked if he had any relative who could help you?"
He said, " have only a spinster sister, who is a nun.
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters, Nuns are
married to God."
The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
<><>
"Hello. Is this the Police?" "Yes it is, how can we help you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Wazza, he keeps his cocaine in his fire wood."
"Thank you very much for your call, sir. we will investigate straight away."
The next day police officers and sniffer dogs descend on Wazza's house in great
numbers They search the house and then proceed to the shed where the firewood is kept.
Usung axes, they bust open every piece of firewood, but there is no cocaine. They swear
at Wazza and then leave. Then the phone rang at Wazza's house.
"Did the police come?" "Yeah." "Did they chop the firewood?" "Yeah."
"Happy Birthday, mate."
<><>
Some parenthood quotes. . . .
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
~ ~ ~ Phyllis Diller.
If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do matters very much.
~ ~ ~ Jackie Kennedy Onassis.
We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and
the next 12 years telling them to sit down and shut up, ~ ~ ~ Phyllis Diller.
Always end the name of your child witha vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
~ ~ ~ Bill Cosby.
Live so that when your children think of fairness and integrity, they think of you.
~ ~ ~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
<><>
Time to call it a day. Look after each other and yourselves. Enjoy the 4th July celebrations
but take great care my friends. My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.
Post 612 ~ ~ ~ Saturday, 4th July, 2009.
<><><>
Happy Independence Day to the Americans who visit here. Have a great day.
Hello Everyone ~ ~ I hope all is well with you all and life is good. It is OK here, although the
weather has turned quite a bit colder. Which I expect is quite normal for winter. I hear next
week we are to have some frosts which means very cold mornings, but usually a nice day afterwards. I don't know where the week has gone, so will get on with this post right now.
The first item tonight was sent to me by my good friend, Patty. Thank you Patty.
Before I was a Mom, I never tripped over toys, or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about imminizations.
Before I was a Mom, I had never been puked on, pooped on, Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom, I never held a screaming child so doctors could do tests or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom, i never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom, I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I din't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom, I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure he was OK, I had never known the warmth, the joy,
the love, the heartache, the wonderment or satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.
May you always be overwhelmed by the Grace of God rather than the cares of life.
<><>
After that nice one from Patty, she also sent the next item. Thanks again my friend.
A first grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher
asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I am smarter than she is. I think I should be in the 3rd grade too."
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the Principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry : "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry : "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, " I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I only have two of?"
Harry, after a moment, : "Legs."
Ms. Brooks : "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why she would ask such a question.
Harry replied "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks : "What does a dog do that man steps into?"
Harry : "pants."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks : "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide before he could stop the answer.
Harry replied : "Bubble Gum."
Ms. Brooks : "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks : 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and
excitement?" Harry : "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth grade, I got
the last six questions wrong . . . . "
<><>
When the fellow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told
him that the rates depended on room size and number of people.
"Do you take children?" the man asked.
"No sir," replied the clerk, "Only cash and credit cards."
<><>
An English traveller, asked by Australian immigration if he had a criminal record, expressed some surprise that such a qualification was still required.
<><>
The miserly millionaire called a family conference. "I am placing a box of money in the attic."
he said. "When I die, I intend to grab it on my way to heaven. See to it that no-one
touches it until it's my time to go."
The family respected his wishes. After his death, the millionaire's wife looked in the attic.
The box was still there. "The fool." she said, "I told himm to put it in the basement.
<><>
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakes
after surgery to find himself in care of nuns in a Catholic hospital
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he would likke to pay
for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied in a raspy voice. "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked if he had any relative who could help you?"
He said, " have only a spinster sister, who is a nun.
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters, Nuns are
married to God."
The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
<><>
"Hello. Is this the Police?" "Yes it is, how can we help you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Wazza, he keeps his cocaine in his fire wood."
"Thank you very much for your call, sir. we will investigate straight away."
The next day police officers and sniffer dogs descend on Wazza's house in great
numbers They search the house and then proceed to the shed where the firewood is kept.
Usung axes, they bust open every piece of firewood, but there is no cocaine. They swear
at Wazza and then leave. Then the phone rang at Wazza's house.
"Did the police come?" "Yeah." "Did they chop the firewood?" "Yeah."
"Happy Birthday, mate."
<><>
Some parenthood quotes. . . .
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
~ ~ ~ Phyllis Diller.
If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do matters very much.
~ ~ ~ Jackie Kennedy Onassis.
We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and
the next 12 years telling them to sit down and shut up, ~ ~ ~ Phyllis Diller.
Always end the name of your child witha vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
~ ~ ~ Bill Cosby.
Live so that when your children think of fairness and integrity, they think of you.
~ ~ ~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
<><>
Time to call it a day. Look after each other and yourselves. Enjoy the 4th July celebrations
but take great care my friends. My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.
Post 612 ~ ~ ~ Saturday, 4th July, 2009.
<><><>
Monday, June 29, 2009
Hug Certificate.
Post 611 ~ ~ Monday, 29th June, 2009.
Hello My Friends, I hope all is well wherever you are. All OK here, although I am starting
a bit late tonight. My Home Care lady comes tomorrow and cleans the floors etc. I wash
the sheets from my bed, and Kerry helps remake it up with fresh sheets. Actually it was
nice and warm here today. I think we got to 18C which is about 64.4 F. So I did some
other washing and got it dry. All very exciting. My neighbor, Helen called in to see me.
I received the following item from my dear friend, Ann Adams today, so enjoy Thanks Ann.
An Indian Hug. ~ ~ This poem is very sweet.
If I could catch a rainbow, I would do it just for you
And share with you it's beauty, on the days that you feel blue.
If I could build a mountain, You could call your very owm;
A place to find serenity, A place to be alone.
If I could take your troubles, I would toss them in the sea,
But all these things I'm finding, are impossible for me.
I cannot build a mountain, Or catch a rainbow fair,
But let me be what I know best, A friend who's always there.
<><>
My son, Geoff sent this information about How to avoid the Flu. Thanks Geoff.
Eat right. Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and vegetables.
Take your vitamins and bump up your Vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day. Go for a swim.
Take the stairs instead of the elevator.
Wash your hands often. If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open doors and windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress in your life as you can. Get plenty of rest.
OR
Take the doctor's approach. Think about it . . . .
When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?
They clean your arm with alcohol . . . Why? Because Alcolhol KILLS GERMS.
So. . . . . .
I walk to the pub. (Exercise)
I put lime in my vodka . . . (Fruit.)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the patio . . .(fresh air)
Tell rude jokes and laugh . . . (eliminate stress)
Then I pass out. (rest)
The way I see it . . . If you keep your alcohol levels up, Flu Germe Can't Get You!!
<><>
Signs Seen in Front of Churches.
"Looking for a sign from God? This is it."
"No God --No Peace. Know God-- Know Peace."
"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one."
"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush."
"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right."
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
"This is a ch - -ch. What is missing?"
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
<><>
After a club booking in the Midlands I had a few jars and then decided to look for some
decent digs. As it happened, due to the late hour, I could only find one boarding house
with a vacant sign. Pushing the door open and feeling rather tired I walked in.
"I've only got one room left," said the man behind the desk, "and you'll have to share
with another bloke, but . . . . ." "But what?" I asked.
"Watch his snoring," I was warned, "We've had complaints."
Reluctantly I took the room and the morning after I was met on the stairs by the desk
clerk. "How did you get on last night?" he wanted to know.
"Smashing," I told him. "Before I turned in last night I leaned across and kissed him and
he stayed awake all night."
<><>
A few quotes for you, to finnish as I am getting too sleepy.
Your children need your presence more than your presents. ~~Jesse Jackson.
Youth is that period when a young boy knows everything but how to make a living.
~ ~ ~ Carey Williams.
No one understands anyone 18, including those who are 18.. ~~ Jim Bishop.
Learn as much by writing as by reading. ~ ~ ~ LOrd Acton.
Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who
do.~ ~ ~ Isaac Asimo.
Time sure does go by in a hurry Enjoy your lives and take care of yourselves and each other.
My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.
Post 611 ~ ~ ~ Monday, 29th June, 2009.
<><><>
Hello My Friends, I hope all is well wherever you are. All OK here, although I am starting
a bit late tonight. My Home Care lady comes tomorrow and cleans the floors etc. I wash
the sheets from my bed, and Kerry helps remake it up with fresh sheets. Actually it was
nice and warm here today. I think we got to 18C which is about 64.4 F. So I did some
other washing and got it dry. All very exciting. My neighbor, Helen called in to see me.
I received the following item from my dear friend, Ann Adams today, so enjoy Thanks Ann.
An Indian Hug. ~ ~ This poem is very sweet.
If I could catch a rainbow, I would do it just for you
And share with you it's beauty, on the days that you feel blue.
If I could build a mountain, You could call your very owm;
A place to find serenity, A place to be alone.
If I could take your troubles, I would toss them in the sea,
But all these things I'm finding, are impossible for me.
I cannot build a mountain, Or catch a rainbow fair,
But let me be what I know best, A friend who's always there.
<><>
My son, Geoff sent this information about How to avoid the Flu. Thanks Geoff.
Eat right. Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and vegetables.
Take your vitamins and bump up your Vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day. Go for a swim.
Take the stairs instead of the elevator.
Wash your hands often. If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open doors and windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress in your life as you can. Get plenty of rest.
OR
Take the doctor's approach. Think about it . . . .
When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?
They clean your arm with alcohol . . . Why? Because Alcolhol KILLS GERMS.
So. . . . . .
I walk to the pub. (Exercise)
I put lime in my vodka . . . (Fruit.)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the patio . . .(fresh air)
Tell rude jokes and laugh . . . (eliminate stress)
Then I pass out. (rest)
The way I see it . . . If you keep your alcohol levels up, Flu Germe Can't Get You!!
<><>
Signs Seen in Front of Churches.
"Looking for a sign from God? This is it."
"No God --No Peace. Know God-- Know Peace."
"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one."
"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush."
"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right."
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
"This is a ch - -ch. What is missing?"
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
<><>
After a club booking in the Midlands I had a few jars and then decided to look for some
decent digs. As it happened, due to the late hour, I could only find one boarding house
with a vacant sign. Pushing the door open and feeling rather tired I walked in.
"I've only got one room left," said the man behind the desk, "and you'll have to share
with another bloke, but . . . . ." "But what?" I asked.
"Watch his snoring," I was warned, "We've had complaints."
Reluctantly I took the room and the morning after I was met on the stairs by the desk
clerk. "How did you get on last night?" he wanted to know.
"Smashing," I told him. "Before I turned in last night I leaned across and kissed him and
he stayed awake all night."
<><>
A few quotes for you, to finnish as I am getting too sleepy.
Your children need your presence more than your presents. ~~Jesse Jackson.
Youth is that period when a young boy knows everything but how to make a living.
~ ~ ~ Carey Williams.
No one understands anyone 18, including those who are 18.. ~~ Jim Bishop.
Learn as much by writing as by reading. ~ ~ ~ LOrd Acton.
Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who
do.~ ~ ~ Isaac Asimo.
Time sure does go by in a hurry Enjoy your lives and take care of yourselves and each other.
My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.
Post 611 ~ ~ ~ Monday, 29th June, 2009.
<><><>
Friday, June 26, 2009
Forever Friendship.
Post 610 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 26th June, 2009.
Hi Everyone ~~ It is a dreary and cold day, so it's indoors for me. I did some cooking
yesterday, so thought I would do this post before tonight, when my football team play.
It is Australian Rules and my team Carlton play Essendon. We have each won 6 games
and lost 6 games, so it should be even. So I have to barrack hard tonight.
How are things with you? All going well, I trust and the weather to your liking. If it is not
rest assured it will change in time. I am happy to have the shortest day over and done
with -- that was June 21st here. So I guess those of you in the Northern hemisphere
have just had your longest day- or Summer Soltice? So our days should gradually stretch
out a little. And get a little warmer. Or cooler as the case may be.
A short item sent to me by my dear friend Patty. Thanks Patty, this is nice.
Sometimes in life, you find a special friend;
Someone who changes your life just by being part of it.
Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop;
Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world.
Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just
waiting for you to open it.
This is Forever Friendship.
<><>
Now to find a few jokes...First one came from my friend Embee from the UK.Thank
you Mike. I had a good laugh at this one. Small things amuse small minds.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
^
^
^
The correct answer is : Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigertor?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the door?
WRONG ANSWER.
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and
close the door.
This question tests your ability to think through the repercussions of previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All animals attend . . . except
one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct answer: The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.
This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles and you do not have a
boat. How do you manage it?
Correct answer: You jump in and swim across.
Haven't you been listening?
All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Professionals
they tested got all questions wrong, but many pre-schoolers got several correct.
Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most
professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
Send this to frustrate all your smart friends.
PS : Just the fact that I sent it to you should make you feel good.
<><>
Another from my cousin Bill. I have posted it before, but I lke it. Thanks Bill.
Letter from Grandma.
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes :
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a bumper
sticker that said "Honk if you Love Jesus." I was feeling particularly sassy that
day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a
thunderous prayer meeting.
So I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord
and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the lights had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked I'd have
never noticed. I found that lots of people loved Jesus.
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy and then he leaned
out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!!
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling
something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him
the good luck right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience.!!
A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment, that they got out of
their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what
church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt - kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we shared.
So I slowed down the car, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian
good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.
Will write again soon. Love, Grandma.
<><>
The bartender asks a guy "What'll you have?"
The guy answers, "A Scotch please."
The bartender hands him the drink and says, "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies; "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender
"You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding
contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of renumeration."
The bartender is not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink.
But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, the same guy walks into the bar. The bartender says, "What are you
doing here? I can't believe you have got the audacity to come back."
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life,"
to which the bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a Scotch."
<><>
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, Time to retire old boy."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's
done to me. Can't you at least let me have the two old hens in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it. You're washed up and I'm taking over." The old rooster
"I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coup."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so to be fair,
I'll give you a head start." The old rooster starts off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him.
They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has cosed the gap. He's
already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast
The farmer, meanwhile is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
He grabs his shotgun and BOOM. He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head. "Damn...third gay rooster I bought this month."
<><>
A grieving widow was discussing her late husband with a friend, "My Albert was such a
good man, and I miss him so. He provided well for me with the money from that
insurance policy --- but I would give a thousand of it to have him back."
<><>
A few quotes for you ~ ~ about sport tonight.
If you live long enough, you'll make mistakes.
But if you learn from them, you'll be a better person.
It's how you handle adversity, not how it affects you.
The main thing is never quit, never quit, never quit. ~ ~ Bill Clinton.
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style. ~ ~ Quentin Crisp.
If at first you do succeed-- try to hide your astonishment. ~ ~ Harry Banks.
If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score? ~ ~ Vince Lombardi.
A champion is someone who gets up when he can't. ~ ~ Jack Dempsey.
<><>
Bye for now folks, until next time. Love and Best wishes to you all.
Cheers, Merle. One of my grandsons is 20 today ~ Happy Birthday Joh.
Post 610 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 26th June, 2009
<><><>
Hi Everyone ~~ It is a dreary and cold day, so it's indoors for me. I did some cooking
yesterday, so thought I would do this post before tonight, when my football team play.
It is Australian Rules and my team Carlton play Essendon. We have each won 6 games
and lost 6 games, so it should be even. So I have to barrack hard tonight.
How are things with you? All going well, I trust and the weather to your liking. If it is not
rest assured it will change in time. I am happy to have the shortest day over and done
with -- that was June 21st here. So I guess those of you in the Northern hemisphere
have just had your longest day- or Summer Soltice? So our days should gradually stretch
out a little. And get a little warmer. Or cooler as the case may be.
A short item sent to me by my dear friend Patty. Thanks Patty, this is nice.
Sometimes in life, you find a special friend;
Someone who changes your life just by being part of it.
Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop;
Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world.
Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just
waiting for you to open it.
This is Forever Friendship.
<><>
Now to find a few jokes...First one came from my friend Embee from the UK.Thank
you Mike. I had a good laugh at this one. Small things amuse small minds.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
^
^
^
The correct answer is : Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigertor?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the door?
WRONG ANSWER.
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and
close the door.
This question tests your ability to think through the repercussions of previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All animals attend . . . except
one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct answer: The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.
This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles and you do not have a
boat. How do you manage it?
Correct answer: You jump in and swim across.
Haven't you been listening?
All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Professionals
they tested got all questions wrong, but many pre-schoolers got several correct.
Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most
professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
Send this to frustrate all your smart friends.
PS : Just the fact that I sent it to you should make you feel good.
<><>
Another from my cousin Bill. I have posted it before, but I lke it. Thanks Bill.
Letter from Grandma.
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes :
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a bumper
sticker that said "Honk if you Love Jesus." I was feeling particularly sassy that
day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a
thunderous prayer meeting.
So I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord
and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the lights had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked I'd have
never noticed. I found that lots of people loved Jesus.
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy and then he leaned
out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!!
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling
something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him
the good luck right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience.!!
A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment, that they got out of
their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what
church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt - kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we shared.
So I slowed down the car, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian
good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.
Will write again soon. Love, Grandma.
<><>
The bartender asks a guy "What'll you have?"
The guy answers, "A Scotch please."
The bartender hands him the drink and says, "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies; "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender
"You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding
contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of renumeration."
The bartender is not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink.
But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, the same guy walks into the bar. The bartender says, "What are you
doing here? I can't believe you have got the audacity to come back."
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life,"
to which the bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a Scotch."
<><>
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, Time to retire old boy."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's
done to me. Can't you at least let me have the two old hens in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it. You're washed up and I'm taking over." The old rooster
"I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coup."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so to be fair,
I'll give you a head start." The old rooster starts off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him.
They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has cosed the gap. He's
already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast
The farmer, meanwhile is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
He grabs his shotgun and BOOM. He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head. "Damn...third gay rooster I bought this month."
<><>
A grieving widow was discussing her late husband with a friend, "My Albert was such a
good man, and I miss him so. He provided well for me with the money from that
insurance policy --- but I would give a thousand of it to have him back."
<><>
A few quotes for you ~ ~ about sport tonight.
If you live long enough, you'll make mistakes.
But if you learn from them, you'll be a better person.
It's how you handle adversity, not how it affects you.
The main thing is never quit, never quit, never quit. ~ ~ Bill Clinton.
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style. ~ ~ Quentin Crisp.
If at first you do succeed-- try to hide your astonishment. ~ ~ Harry Banks.
If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score? ~ ~ Vince Lombardi.
A champion is someone who gets up when he can't. ~ ~ Jack Dempsey.
<><>
Bye for now folks, until next time. Love and Best wishes to you all.
Cheers, Merle. One of my grandsons is 20 today ~ Happy Birthday Joh.
Post 610 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 26th June, 2009
<><><>
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
The Value of Time.
Post 609 ~ ~ ~ Tuesday, 23rd June, 2009.
Hello My Friends ~~ I hope the world is treating you right in your corner of the universe.
All going well in Shepparton, bits of drizzly rain and warmer days - up to 17C (62 F) and
over night we have had some 6 and 8 C which is low 40s F.
Today was my shopping day, so the cupboards and refrigerator are stocked up again.
Everything put away and I cooked the microwavable chicken, had a Nana Nap, and it is
getting late again now. So I will get on with it.
My good friend, Robyn sent me this nice article. I hope you enjoy it.
To realize the value of a sister, Ask someone who doesn't have one.
The realize the value of ten years: ask a newly divorced couple.
To realize the value of four years: ask a graduate.
To realize the value of one year : ask a student who has failed a final exam.
To realize the value of nine months: ask the mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
Th realize the value of one month: ask the mother who has given birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of one week : ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To value of one minute: ask a person who has missed the train, bus or plane.
To realize the value of one second: ask a person who has survived an accident.
Time waits for no one. Treasure every moment you have.
You will enjoy it even more when you can share it with someone special.
To realize the value of a friend or family member: LOSE ONE.
The origin of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on.
Do not keep this letter. Peace, love and prosperity to all . . . .
Remember .. . . . hold on tight to the ones you love !!
<><>
Some observations for you.
According to a recent study, five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while ahead."
If it's true that we're here to help others, then what are the others here for?
No one ever says, "It's only a game, when their team is winning.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Be nice to your kids. They will chose your nursing home.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Remember, half the people in the world are below average.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
<><>
My dear friend Margaret sent the next joke, Thank you Margaret.
Mrs McGervey was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father
O'Flaherty. The Father said, "Top of the morning to you. Aren't you Mrs. McGervey and
didn't I marry you and your hoosband 2 years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that you did Father."
The father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"
She replied, "Not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for you
and your and your hoosband.."
She replied, "Oh, thank you Father." Then they parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well, now Mrs, McGervey, how are
you these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well, Father." The Father asked, "And tell me, have you any wee
ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh, yes Father, Three sets of twins and 4 singles, Ten in all."
The Father said, "That's wonderful. How is your loving hoosband doing?"
She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out your fookin' candle."
<><>
My good friend Linda May sent me this list of actual notices in the newspaper. Thanks.
1. FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little b*****d. Bites.
2. FREE PUPPIES.: Half Cocker Spaniel, half sneaky neighbor's dog.
3. FREE PUPPIES: Mother, AKC German Shepherd, Father, Super Dog....able to leap
tall fences in a single bound.
4. FOUND - DIRTY WHITE DOG : Looks like a rat. Been out awhile. Better be big reward"
5. COWS, CALVES : NEVER BRED. Also one gay bull.
6. JOINING NUDIST COLONY. Must sell washer and dryer $300.
7. WEDDING DRESS : Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
8. FOR SALE BY OWNER : Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannics, 45 volumes,
Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last
month. Wife knows everything.
<><>
Last one for tonight. It is supposed to come with a picture of a dog taking a nap.
So just think of a tired looking dog.
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-
fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me.
I gave him a few pats on his head and then he followed me into my house. slowly walked
down the hall curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his
spot in the hall and again slept about an hour. This continued for several weeks.
Curious, I pnned a note to his collar, "I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful, sweet dog iis and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon, your
dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day, he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar.
"He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3.. he's trying to catch up on his
sleep. Can I come with him, tomorrow?"
<><>
Enough for this post, I am off to bed. Take great care of yourselves and each other.
My love and best wishes to you all. See you next time. Cheers, Merle.
Post 609 ~ ~ ~ Tuesday, 23rd, June, 2009.
<><><>
Hello My Friends ~~ I hope the world is treating you right in your corner of the universe.
All going well in Shepparton, bits of drizzly rain and warmer days - up to 17C (62 F) and
over night we have had some 6 and 8 C which is low 40s F.
Today was my shopping day, so the cupboards and refrigerator are stocked up again.
Everything put away and I cooked the microwavable chicken, had a Nana Nap, and it is
getting late again now. So I will get on with it.
My good friend, Robyn sent me this nice article. I hope you enjoy it.
To realize the value of a sister, Ask someone who doesn't have one.
The realize the value of ten years: ask a newly divorced couple.
To realize the value of four years: ask a graduate.
To realize the value of one year : ask a student who has failed a final exam.
To realize the value of nine months: ask the mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
Th realize the value of one month: ask the mother who has given birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of one week : ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To value of one minute: ask a person who has missed the train, bus or plane.
To realize the value of one second: ask a person who has survived an accident.
Time waits for no one. Treasure every moment you have.
You will enjoy it even more when you can share it with someone special.
To realize the value of a friend or family member: LOSE ONE.
The origin of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on.
Do not keep this letter. Peace, love and prosperity to all . . . .
Remember .. . . . hold on tight to the ones you love !!
<><>
Some observations for you.
According to a recent study, five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while ahead."
If it's true that we're here to help others, then what are the others here for?
No one ever says, "It's only a game, when their team is winning.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Be nice to your kids. They will chose your nursing home.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Remember, half the people in the world are below average.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
<><>
My dear friend Margaret sent the next joke, Thank you Margaret.
Mrs McGervey was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father
O'Flaherty. The Father said, "Top of the morning to you. Aren't you Mrs. McGervey and
didn't I marry you and your hoosband 2 years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that you did Father."
The father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"
She replied, "Not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for you
and your and your hoosband.."
She replied, "Oh, thank you Father." Then they parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well, now Mrs, McGervey, how are
you these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well, Father." The Father asked, "And tell me, have you any wee
ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh, yes Father, Three sets of twins and 4 singles, Ten in all."
The Father said, "That's wonderful. How is your loving hoosband doing?"
She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out your fookin' candle."
<><>
My good friend Linda May sent me this list of actual notices in the newspaper. Thanks.
1. FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little b*****d. Bites.
2. FREE PUPPIES.: Half Cocker Spaniel, half sneaky neighbor's dog.
3. FREE PUPPIES: Mother, AKC German Shepherd, Father, Super Dog....able to leap
tall fences in a single bound.
4. FOUND - DIRTY WHITE DOG : Looks like a rat. Been out awhile. Better be big reward"
5. COWS, CALVES : NEVER BRED. Also one gay bull.
6. JOINING NUDIST COLONY. Must sell washer and dryer $300.
7. WEDDING DRESS : Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
8. FOR SALE BY OWNER : Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannics, 45 volumes,
Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last
month. Wife knows everything.
<><>
Last one for tonight. It is supposed to come with a picture of a dog taking a nap.
So just think of a tired looking dog.
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-
fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me.
I gave him a few pats on his head and then he followed me into my house. slowly walked
down the hall curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his
spot in the hall and again slept about an hour. This continued for several weeks.
Curious, I pnned a note to his collar, "I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful, sweet dog iis and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon, your
dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day, he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar.
"He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3.. he's trying to catch up on his
sleep. Can I come with him, tomorrow?"
<><>
Enough for this post, I am off to bed. Take great care of yourselves and each other.
My love and best wishes to you all. See you next time. Cheers, Merle.
Post 609 ~ ~ ~ Tuesday, 23rd, June, 2009.
<><><>
Friday, June 19, 2009
Beware Ladies.
Post 608 ~ ~ Friday, 19th June, 2009.
Hello Everyone ~~ I hope all is well with you and your families. I have had a few minor upsets, but nothing too serious. I was all set to do a post last night, but developed an awful earache. So painful, I gave up on that idea and got a heat pad and went to bed.
I heated the pack up again around 3 am, and it's much better today. So far.
I have been out three days in a row and that is unusual for me, and makes me tired.
Wednesday, I had a hair trim, Thursday my feet trimmed, and today, I went back to the
opometrists as the glasses I got recently have been all but useless. I can wear them OK
and manage most things, until I need to read something. Anyway, there will be no
further charge and a couple of alterations are being done to them. Enough about me.
The first item tonight is a warning to all women. Thanks Sue and Bob for this one.
THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU....IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOUR MOTHER.....OR EVEN
TO YOUR SISTER.
I was sitting at a local outdoor cafe having lunch by myself and two men came and sat
down at my table. . . . I gave them the death look, but they casually stayed at my table
and wouldn't leave me alone. I shined up my ring on my married finger, then placed my
hand on the table and I hinted to them that I was married and that I was not interested
in them.
Luckily for me they got the hint and left, but thankfully the whole thing was captured on
the Cafe's camera. I am sending this picture as a warning . . . . . .Just in case they try to
pick you up too.
Honestly some men think they are God's gift.
<><>
Next one was sent to me by my friend Warren. Thanks for this one Mate.
Employed For One Day Only.
So after landing my new job as a K Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees.
I lasted less than a day. . . . . . .
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids. She was yelling obscenities at them
all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to K Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins The oldest is 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
So I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am. I just couldn't believe someone slept
with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at K Mart."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this kind of work.
<><>
BOOTS.
Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one.
Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students
put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it
was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on again - this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream. "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off,
and he said, " They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots."
Her trial starts next month.
<><>
This one from my good friend Gina. Thanks for this one Gina.
A sweet grandmother telephoned St Joseph's Hospital She timidly asked, "Is it possible
to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help you dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good
news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well Her blood pressure is fine,
her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr Cohen, has scheduled
her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so
worried. God bless you for the good news.
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Finlay in 302, No on tells me s**t.
<><>
One from my dear friend, Patty. Thank you Patty.
You Can't Win Them All.
A man called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your
shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper."
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you . Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice,, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman
about to get married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. "Wear a
heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to the neck" But when she asked her
best friend, she got conflicting advice. "Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
<><>
Just a few quotations to close with.
Every man has three characters -- that which he exhibits, that which he has, and that which he thinks he has.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to live with himself.
~ ~ ~ Dorothy Law Nolte, writer.
Scandal is what one-half the world takes pleasure in inventing and the other half in believing. ~~~Horace Smith.
Wrongs are often forgiven, but contempt never is. Our pride remembers it forever. It implies a discovery of weaknesses. which we are much more careful to conceal than crimes.
~ ~ ~ Philip Dormer Stanhope.
Enough for this post. Take great care of yourselves and each other.
Share a smile with someone who needs one. My love and best wishes
to you all. Cheers, Merle. See you next time.
Post 608 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 19th June, 2009.
<><><>
Hello Everyone ~~ I hope all is well with you and your families. I have had a few minor upsets, but nothing too serious. I was all set to do a post last night, but developed an awful earache. So painful, I gave up on that idea and got a heat pad and went to bed.
I heated the pack up again around 3 am, and it's much better today. So far.
I have been out three days in a row and that is unusual for me, and makes me tired.
Wednesday, I had a hair trim, Thursday my feet trimmed, and today, I went back to the
opometrists as the glasses I got recently have been all but useless. I can wear them OK
and manage most things, until I need to read something. Anyway, there will be no
further charge and a couple of alterations are being done to them. Enough about me.
The first item tonight is a warning to all women. Thanks Sue and Bob for this one.
THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU....IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOUR MOTHER.....OR EVEN
TO YOUR SISTER.
I was sitting at a local outdoor cafe having lunch by myself and two men came and sat
down at my table. . . . I gave them the death look, but they casually stayed at my table
and wouldn't leave me alone. I shined up my ring on my married finger, then placed my
hand on the table and I hinted to them that I was married and that I was not interested
in them.
Luckily for me they got the hint and left, but thankfully the whole thing was captured on
the Cafe's camera. I am sending this picture as a warning . . . . . .Just in case they try to
pick you up too.
Honestly some men think they are God's gift.
<><>Next one was sent to me by my friend Warren. Thanks for this one Mate.
Employed For One Day Only.
So after landing my new job as a K Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees.
I lasted less than a day. . . . . . .
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids. She was yelling obscenities at them
all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to K Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins The oldest is 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
So I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am. I just couldn't believe someone slept
with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at K Mart."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this kind of work.
<><>
BOOTS.
Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one.
Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students
put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it
was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on again - this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream. "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off,
and he said, " They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots."
Her trial starts next month.
<><>
This one from my good friend Gina. Thanks for this one Gina.
A sweet grandmother telephoned St Joseph's Hospital She timidly asked, "Is it possible
to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help you dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good
news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well Her blood pressure is fine,
her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr Cohen, has scheduled
her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so
worried. God bless you for the good news.
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Finlay in 302, No on tells me s**t.
<><>
One from my dear friend, Patty. Thank you Patty.
You Can't Win Them All.
A man called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your
shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper."
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you . Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice,, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman
about to get married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. "Wear a
heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to the neck" But when she asked her
best friend, she got conflicting advice. "Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
<><>
Just a few quotations to close with.
Every man has three characters -- that which he exhibits, that which he has, and that which he thinks he has.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to live with himself.
~ ~ ~ Dorothy Law Nolte, writer.
Scandal is what one-half the world takes pleasure in inventing and the other half in believing. ~~~Horace Smith.
Wrongs are often forgiven, but contempt never is. Our pride remembers it forever. It implies a discovery of weaknesses. which we are much more careful to conceal than crimes.
~ ~ ~ Philip Dormer Stanhope.
Enough for this post. Take great care of yourselves and each other.
Share a smile with someone who needs one. My love and best wishes
to you all. Cheers, Merle. See you next time.
Post 608 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 19th June, 2009.
<><><>
Monday, June 15, 2009
Are you Feeling Old?
Post 607 ~ ~ ~ Monday, 15th June, 2009.
Hello my friends ~~ I hope all is well with you. I have been trying to get on blogger for quite a while, but finally here we are. I may not get too far as I am
already feeling tired. So I will get on with it.
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today . . . . .
The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1991.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included Aids.
The CD was introduced eight years before they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had e mail.
They have always had cell phones.
They have always had the Internet.
They have always had VCRs and video cameras.
They have always had cable.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight show.
Popcorn has always been Micro-waved.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They don't know who Mork was or where he came from.
They never heard: 'Where's the beef?', 'I'd walk a mile for a Camel.
or 'De Plane Boss, De Plane'.
McDonald's never came in styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Pass this on to other old fogies on your list.
Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble reading.
P.S. Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.
<><>
TAILGATER. Thank you Gina for this one.
A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly the lights turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing
stopping at the cross-walk, even though he could have he could have beaten
the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her
car with her hands up.
He took her to the Police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman
approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car
while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him." I noticed the 'What would Jesus do' Bumper
sticker,' 'the Choose Life.'license plate holder, ' the 'Follow Me to Sunday
school' bumper sticker and the chromeplated Christian fish emblem on the
trunk. Naturally. . . I assumed you had stolen the car.
<><>
Skinny Dipping.
An elderly man in Florida had own a large farm for several years. He had a
large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables
horseshoe courts and some orange and lime trees. One evening he decided
to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women shinny-dipping
in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to
the deep end. One woman shouted to him, "we're not coming out until you leave'
The od man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked ,,,,'
Holding the bucket up, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Some old men can still think fast. Thanks for that one too Gina and the next.
<><>
Subject : PM Rudd.
On a recent trip to the U.S.A. Prime Minister Kevin Rudd was invited to address
a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in Kitimat, BC due to his
experiences in handling the Australian indidenous situation in Australia.
He spoke for almost an hour on his ideas for increasing every First Nation's
present standard of living."
At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented the Prime Minister with
a plaque inscribed -- "Walking Eagle."
The proud Rudd then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he
left. A news reporter later asks the chiefs how they came to select the the new
name given to Rudd.
They expllained that Walking Eagle; is the name given to a bird so full of
s**t, it can no longer fly.
<><>
My husband is so short sightest, he can't go to sleep unless he counts
elephants.
<><>
Last one was sent by my friend, Barbara. Thank you, my friend.
Gotta Love Little Boys.
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons
and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
The boy replied, "Eight."
The man continued, "Do you know what these are for?"
The boy replied, "No exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for him. He's
my brother and he is four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would
be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those.
<><>
Well, that is it for tonight my friends. I hope your week is going well for you
all and that your lives are going well. Don't worry,--Be happy. My love and
best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle,
Post 607 ~ ~ ~ Monday, 15th June, 2009.
<><><>
Hello my friends ~~ I hope all is well with you. I have been trying to get on blogger for quite a while, but finally here we are. I may not get too far as I am
already feeling tired. So I will get on with it.
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today . . . . .
The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1991.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included Aids.
The CD was introduced eight years before they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had e mail.
They have always had cell phones.
They have always had the Internet.
They have always had VCRs and video cameras.
They have always had cable.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight show.
Popcorn has always been Micro-waved.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They don't know who Mork was or where he came from.
They never heard: 'Where's the beef?', 'I'd walk a mile for a Camel.
or 'De Plane Boss, De Plane'.
McDonald's never came in styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Pass this on to other old fogies on your list.
Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble reading.
P.S. Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.
<><>
TAILGATER. Thank you Gina for this one.
A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly the lights turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing
stopping at the cross-walk, even though he could have he could have beaten
the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her
car with her hands up.
He took her to the Police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman
approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car
while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him." I noticed the 'What would Jesus do' Bumper
sticker,' 'the Choose Life.'license plate holder, ' the 'Follow Me to Sunday
school' bumper sticker and the chromeplated Christian fish emblem on the
trunk. Naturally. . . I assumed you had stolen the car.
<><>
Skinny Dipping.
An elderly man in Florida had own a large farm for several years. He had a
large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables
horseshoe courts and some orange and lime trees. One evening he decided
to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women shinny-dipping
in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to
the deep end. One woman shouted to him, "we're not coming out until you leave'
The od man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked ,,,,'
Holding the bucket up, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Some old men can still think fast. Thanks for that one too Gina and the next.
<><>
Subject : PM Rudd.
On a recent trip to the U.S.A. Prime Minister Kevin Rudd was invited to address
a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in Kitimat, BC due to his
experiences in handling the Australian indidenous situation in Australia.
He spoke for almost an hour on his ideas for increasing every First Nation's
present standard of living."
At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented the Prime Minister with
a plaque inscribed -- "Walking Eagle."
The proud Rudd then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he
left. A news reporter later asks the chiefs how they came to select the the new
name given to Rudd.
They expllained that Walking Eagle; is the name given to a bird so full of
s**t, it can no longer fly.
<><>
My husband is so short sightest, he can't go to sleep unless he counts
elephants.
<><>
Last one was sent by my friend, Barbara. Thank you, my friend.
Gotta Love Little Boys.
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons
and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
The boy replied, "Eight."
The man continued, "Do you know what these are for?"
The boy replied, "No exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for him. He's
my brother and he is four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would
be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those.
<><>
Well, that is it for tonight my friends. I hope your week is going well for you
all and that your lives are going well. Don't worry,--Be happy. My love and
best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle,
Post 607 ~ ~ ~ Monday, 15th June, 2009.
<><><>
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Irena Sendler -God's angel.
Post 606 ~ ~ ~ Thursday, 11th June, 2009.
Hello Everyone ~~ I hope your lives are going well. I am pretty sure they would be warmer than Victoria, Asutralia where I live. We have had a couple of mornings of -2C
about 28 F. We don't get much lower than that except on the mountains with snow.
It has been a strange week as where the bushfires burnt everything black, there has
been snowfalls in some of the areas. It is eerie seeing blackened trees, with just a bit
of green regenerating, with a blanket of snow around them, only 4 months since the
fires burnt everything in sight. At least the kids enjoyed the snow.
I finally got the picture of John to load, with his Coca cola, as he doesn't drink, and it
is probably lo -cal but it's a nice photo of him, on one of his Motorcyle trips.
Tonight's story was sent to me by my good friend Linda May. Thank you Linda.
It is called Irena Sendler.
There recently was a death of a 98 year-old lady named Irena.
During WW11, Irena got permission to work in the Warsaw ghetto, as a plumbing/sewer
specialist.
She had an 'ulterior motive'.. She KNEW what the Nazi's plans were for the Jews, (being
German) Irena smuggled infants out in the bottom of the tool box she carried and she
carried in the back of her truck a burlap sack, (for larger kids.) She also had a dog in the
back that she trained to bark when Nazi soldiers let her in and out of the ghetto. The
soldiers of course wanted nothing to do with the dog and the barking covered the kids/infants noises.
During her time of doing this, she managed to smuggle out and save 2,500 kids/infants.
She was caught, and the Nazi's broke both her legs, arms and beat her severely.
Irena kept a record of the names of all the kids she smuggled out and kept them in a
glass jar, buried under a tree in her back yard.
After the war, she tried to locate any parents that may have survived it and reunited
the family. Most, of course had been gassed. Those kids she helped were placed into
foster family homes or adopted.
Last year Irena was up for the Nobel Peace Prize.....She was not selected.
* Al Gore won, for a slide show on Global Warming.
Let's send this one around the world. God Bless her. May she rest in Peace.
<><>
First joke was sent to me by my friends Sue and Bob from Britain. Thank you.
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies
and neighbors. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns oysters and BBQ and
flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in
my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who is brave enough to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone
turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kind of stuff like head butts and chokeholds,
biting the croc on the tail and flipping him through the air like 20some kind of Judo
instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were
screaming and raising hell. Finally, Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top
like a dead goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everyone was just staring at him in disbelief.
The host says, "Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"nah, you all right boss. I don't want it," said Colin.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about
half a million then? "No, thanks. I don't want it," answered Colin.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about
a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options? Again, Colin said, "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Colin, then what do you want?"
Colin said, "I want you to get the bas***d who pushed me in."
<><>
Thank you dear Nancy for this one.
After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not
afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want
to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the
problem, but it was expensive. " A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go
home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer
can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 1o."
The hillbilly said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put the beer can up to his ear and began
to count. 1 2 3 4 5.
^
^
^
^
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting
on his other hand.
<><>
A few more from my cousin Bill. Thank you Bill.
Dealing with the Burdens of Life.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon and sometimes the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good iif you die in the middle of it.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you lend a friend $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because you won't have a leg
to stand on.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
The second mouse gets the cheese.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Birthdays are good for you. The more you have the longer you live.
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
<><>
Vincent Van Gogh -- After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van
Gogh had many relations. Among them were :
His dizzy aunt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes . . . . . . . . . . . . .Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle , . . . . . . .. . . . . . . .Can't gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store . . . .Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia . . . . . . . . . . .U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white. . . .Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Chica Gogh
His magician uncle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother . . . . . .Grin Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt . . . . . . . . . . . . Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco . . . . . . . . . . . . .. Go Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach . . .. Wellsfar Gogh
The bird lover uncle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Flamin Gogh .
His nephew psychoanlyst . . . . . . . . . . . . . . E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking . . . .. .Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Poe Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van . . . .Winnie Bay Gogh.
<><>
A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything
during your lifetime on earth of particular merit?" St Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"On a trip to the Black Hills of Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were
threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So I went up to the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head
kicked his bike over, ripped off his nose ring and threw it on the ground. "I yelled,
"Now Back off.""
St Peter was very impressed. "When did this happen?" he asked.
"Couple of minutes ago."
<><>
It was 1 o'clock in the morning and the manager of the hotel had just been woken by a
franctic phone call from a littlle old lady. "Come quickly, Oh please come quickly." she
wailed. "I can see a naked man from my window."
The manager hastily dressed and rushed up to the little old lady's room. He found her pointing at a block of flats opposite her hotel bedroom.- but all the manager could see
was the naked top half of a young man.
"But my dear woman," soothed the manager, the young man opposite is surely only preparing for bed. And how can you possibly be offended by him? The man may not be completely naked."
"The wardrobe." shrieked the little old lady, "Stand on the wardrobe."
<><>
Jack's wife stepped on the weighing machine which also produced a fortune reading on
the other side of the weight indicator card.
Out popped the card, and Jack's wife said, " It says I am attractive, have a pleasing
personality and can charm anyone I meet."
"Huh." muttered Jack , taking the card from his wife. Even the weight is wrong."
<><>
Well, the time has come to say Goodnight and get off to my nice warm bed. I hope you
are all well and happy. My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.
Post 606 ~ ~ ~ Thursday, 11th June, 2009.
<><><>
Hello Everyone ~~ I hope your lives are going well. I am pretty sure they would be warmer than Victoria, Asutralia where I live. We have had a couple of mornings of -2C
about 28 F. We don't get much lower than that except on the mountains with snow.
It has been a strange week as where the bushfires burnt everything black, there has
been snowfalls in some of the areas. It is eerie seeing blackened trees, with just a bit
of green regenerating, with a blanket of snow around them, only 4 months since the
fires burnt everything in sight. At least the kids enjoyed the snow.
I finally got the picture of John to load, with his Coca cola, as he doesn't drink, and it
is probably lo -cal but it's a nice photo of him, on one of his Motorcyle trips.
Tonight's story was sent to me by my good friend Linda May. Thank you Linda.
It is called Irena Sendler.
There recently was a death of a 98 year-old lady named Irena.
During WW11, Irena got permission to work in the Warsaw ghetto, as a plumbing/sewer
specialist.
She had an 'ulterior motive'.. She KNEW what the Nazi's plans were for the Jews, (being
German) Irena smuggled infants out in the bottom of the tool box she carried and she
carried in the back of her truck a burlap sack, (for larger kids.) She also had a dog in the
back that she trained to bark when Nazi soldiers let her in and out of the ghetto. The
soldiers of course wanted nothing to do with the dog and the barking covered the kids/infants noises.
During her time of doing this, she managed to smuggle out and save 2,500 kids/infants.
She was caught, and the Nazi's broke both her legs, arms and beat her severely.
Irena kept a record of the names of all the kids she smuggled out and kept them in a
glass jar, buried under a tree in her back yard.
After the war, she tried to locate any parents that may have survived it and reunited
the family. Most, of course had been gassed. Those kids she helped were placed into
foster family homes or adopted.
Last year Irena was up for the Nobel Peace Prize.....She was not selected.
* Al Gore won, for a slide show on Global Warming.
Let's send this one around the world. God Bless her. May she rest in Peace.
<><>
First joke was sent to me by my friends Sue and Bob from Britain. Thank you.
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies
and neighbors. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns oysters and BBQ and
flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in
my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who is brave enough to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone
turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kind of stuff like head butts and chokeholds,
biting the croc on the tail and flipping him through the air like 20some kind of Judo
instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were
screaming and raising hell. Finally, Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top
like a dead goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everyone was just staring at him in disbelief.
The host says, "Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"nah, you all right boss. I don't want it," said Colin.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about
half a million then? "No, thanks. I don't want it," answered Colin.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about
a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options? Again, Colin said, "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Colin, then what do you want?"
Colin said, "I want you to get the bas***d who pushed me in."
<><>
Thank you dear Nancy for this one.
After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not
afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want
to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the
problem, but it was expensive. " A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go
home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer
can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 1o."
The hillbilly said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put the beer can up to his ear and began
to count. 1 2 3 4 5.
^
^
^
^
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting
on his other hand.
<><>
A few more from my cousin Bill. Thank you Bill.
Dealing with the Burdens of Life.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon and sometimes the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good iif you die in the middle of it.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you lend a friend $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because you won't have a leg
to stand on.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
The second mouse gets the cheese.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Birthdays are good for you. The more you have the longer you live.
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
<><>
Vincent Van Gogh -- After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van
Gogh had many relations. Among them were :
His dizzy aunt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes . . . . . . . . . . . . .Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle , . . . . . . .. . . . . . . .Can't gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store . . . .Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia . . . . . . . . . . .U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white. . . .Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Chica Gogh
His magician uncle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother . . . . . .Grin Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt . . . . . . . . . . . . Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco . . . . . . . . . . . . .. Go Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach . . .. Wellsfar Gogh
The bird lover uncle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Flamin Gogh .
His nephew psychoanlyst . . . . . . . . . . . . . . E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking . . . .. .Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Poe Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van . . . .Winnie Bay Gogh.
<><>
A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything
during your lifetime on earth of particular merit?" St Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"On a trip to the Black Hills of Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were
threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So I went up to the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head
kicked his bike over, ripped off his nose ring and threw it on the ground. "I yelled,
"Now Back off.""
St Peter was very impressed. "When did this happen?" he asked.
"Couple of minutes ago."
<><>
It was 1 o'clock in the morning and the manager of the hotel had just been woken by a
franctic phone call from a littlle old lady. "Come quickly, Oh please come quickly." she
wailed. "I can see a naked man from my window."
The manager hastily dressed and rushed up to the little old lady's room. He found her pointing at a block of flats opposite her hotel bedroom.- but all the manager could see
was the naked top half of a young man.
"But my dear woman," soothed the manager, the young man opposite is surely only preparing for bed. And how can you possibly be offended by him? The man may not be completely naked."
"The wardrobe." shrieked the little old lady, "Stand on the wardrobe."
<><>
Jack's wife stepped on the weighing machine which also produced a fortune reading on
the other side of the weight indicator card.
Out popped the card, and Jack's wife said, " It says I am attractive, have a pleasing
personality and can charm anyone I meet."
"Huh." muttered Jack , taking the card from his wife. Even the weight is wrong."
<><>
Well, the time has come to say Goodnight and get off to my nice warm bed. I hope you
are all well and happy. My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.
Post 606 ~ ~ ~ Thursday, 11th June, 2009.
<><><>
Monday, June 08, 2009
The Middle Wife.
Post 605 ~~ Monday, 8th June, 2009.
Hello My Friends ~~ Here we go again. I hope all is going well for you. I am fine and
today is my eldest son's birthday. John turned 55, so is 20 years younger than me.
We had a holiday today, so he had a day off work. I planned to put a picture, but
Blogger had other ideas. Anyway he featured in my birthday photos.
The weather here is going to be cooler here tomorrow - 3 C which is 37 F overnight
and tomorrow, shopping day expected to be 11 C which is 51 F.
As the story tonight is a bit long, I will get to it now.
It is called "The Middle Wife." and the Author is Unknown.
The Middle Wife.
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best
birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years ago.
When I was a kid, I loved show- and- tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually show- and- tell is pretty tame.
Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.
And I never ever place boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school
and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant: "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I am going
to tell you about his birthday."
"first, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my
Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for 9 months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing
I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
"Then about 2 Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh.'"
Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like
an hour, 'Oh, Oh, Oh.'" (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
My Dad called the middle wife. "She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car, like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." (Then Erica
lies down with her back against the wall.)
"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty,
and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew." (This kid has her legs
spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much.)
"Then the middle wife starts saying "Push, push" and "Breathe. breathe." They started
counting, but never got past ten. Then all of a sudden, out comes my little brother.
He was covered in yucky stuff that they said it was from Mom's play-center (placenta)
so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked
him for crawling up in there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I
applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case anothe "Middle Wife" comes along.
<><>
Another few "And that's how the fight started." jokes. Thank you to my cousin, Bill.
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman
that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed
my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security
office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants.You might have got Disability too."
And that's how the fight started.
<><>
I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we were alongside the road and slowly the other
driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes little things just seem funny.
Well, I couldn't believe it. . . .He was a DWARF !!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY !!!"
So I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And that's when the fight started.
<><>
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a
drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife, asked "Do you know her?"
"Yes, I sighed, "she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God," says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And that's how the fight started.
<><>
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what
she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat, and ugly. I really
need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's dam near perfect.
And that's how the fight started.......
<><>
Final Words Joke.
The groom approached the minister before the wedding and said, " I'll give you $100 if during the vows, you leave out all the stuff about honoring and obeying, till death do
us part. The minister took the money and said he'd do it.
During the ceremony, when it came time for the groom's vowss, the minister said,
"Do you promise to love your wife completely, do whatever she says, and give her
breakfast in bed every morning, as long as you both shall live?"
In a small voice, the groom said "I do." Later he took the minister aside and said, "Hey,
what happened?" The minister said, "Your wife made me a much better offer."
<><>
More from my friend Embee. Thank you Mike.
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the Obituary
column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died !!"
"Yes, I saw it, replied Finney. "Where are you calling from?"
<><>
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath. and sees an empty wine bottle
on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it Again."
<><>
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.
"Oh, yeah?" said Charlie, "and how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, She came to me on her hands and knees.."
"Really," says Charles. "Now that's a switch. What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
<><>
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his bottom., a whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror
to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood and
shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night, weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why do you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the
bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could
be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."
<><>
Next one is from my friend Lorraine. Thanks, Lorraine.
I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty
of a bird feeder it is as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds
taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.
But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio above the table and
next to the barbecue.
Then came the s**t. It was everywhere on the patio tiles, the chairs, the table, every-
where.
Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive-bomb me and try to peck me
even thould I had fed them out of my own pocket.
And other birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and
screamed at all hours of the day and night and demand I fill it , when it got low on food.
After a while. I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days, the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.
Soon, the back yard was like it used to be...quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.
Now let's see... Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical
care, free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.
Then the illegals come by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be
seen by an emergency room doctor. Your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools
because over half the class doesn't speak English.
Corn Fakes now come in bilingual box, I have to "press one" to hear my bank talk to me
in English and people waving flags other than the "Maple Leaf" are squawking and
screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.
Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.
<><>
Time to stop and write out a grocery list for the morning. Take good care, my friends
and I hope the week is going well for you and your loved ones. My love and best
wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.
Post 605 ~ ~ Monday, 8th June, 2009.
<><><>
Hello My Friends ~~ Here we go again. I hope all is going well for you. I am fine and
today is my eldest son's birthday. John turned 55, so is 20 years younger than me.
We had a holiday today, so he had a day off work. I planned to put a picture, but
Blogger had other ideas. Anyway he featured in my birthday photos.
The weather here is going to be cooler here tomorrow - 3 C which is 37 F overnight
and tomorrow, shopping day expected to be 11 C which is 51 F.
As the story tonight is a bit long, I will get to it now.
It is called "The Middle Wife." and the Author is Unknown.
The Middle Wife.
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best
birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years ago.
When I was a kid, I loved show- and- tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually show- and- tell is pretty tame.
Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.
And I never ever place boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school
and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant: "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I am going
to tell you about his birthday."
"first, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my
Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for 9 months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing
I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
"Then about 2 Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh.'"
Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like
an hour, 'Oh, Oh, Oh.'" (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
My Dad called the middle wife. "She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car, like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." (Then Erica
lies down with her back against the wall.)
"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty,
and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew." (This kid has her legs
spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much.)
"Then the middle wife starts saying "Push, push" and "Breathe. breathe." They started
counting, but never got past ten. Then all of a sudden, out comes my little brother.
He was covered in yucky stuff that they said it was from Mom's play-center (placenta)
so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked
him for crawling up in there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I
applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case anothe "Middle Wife" comes along.
<><>
Another few "And that's how the fight started." jokes. Thank you to my cousin, Bill.
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman
that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed
my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security
office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants.You might have got Disability too."
And that's how the fight started.
<><>
I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we were alongside the road and slowly the other
driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes little things just seem funny.
Well, I couldn't believe it. . . .He was a DWARF !!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY !!!"
So I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And that's when the fight started.
<><>
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a
drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife, asked "Do you know her?"
"Yes, I sighed, "she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God," says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And that's how the fight started.
<><>
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what
she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat, and ugly. I really
need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's dam near perfect.
And that's how the fight started.......
<><>
Final Words Joke.
The groom approached the minister before the wedding and said, " I'll give you $100 if during the vows, you leave out all the stuff about honoring and obeying, till death do
us part. The minister took the money and said he'd do it.
During the ceremony, when it came time for the groom's vowss, the minister said,
"Do you promise to love your wife completely, do whatever she says, and give her
breakfast in bed every morning, as long as you both shall live?"
In a small voice, the groom said "I do." Later he took the minister aside and said, "Hey,
what happened?" The minister said, "Your wife made me a much better offer."
<><>
More from my friend Embee. Thank you Mike.
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the Obituary
column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died !!"
"Yes, I saw it, replied Finney. "Where are you calling from?"
<><>
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath. and sees an empty wine bottle
on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it Again."
<><>
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.
"Oh, yeah?" said Charlie, "and how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, She came to me on her hands and knees.."
"Really," says Charles. "Now that's a switch. What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
<><>
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his bottom., a whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror
to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood and
shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night, weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why do you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the
bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could
be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."
<><>
Next one is from my friend Lorraine. Thanks, Lorraine.
I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty
of a bird feeder it is as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds
taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.
But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio above the table and
next to the barbecue.
Then came the s**t. It was everywhere on the patio tiles, the chairs, the table, every-
where.
Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive-bomb me and try to peck me
even thould I had fed them out of my own pocket.
And other birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and
screamed at all hours of the day and night and demand I fill it , when it got low on food.
After a while. I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days, the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.
Soon, the back yard was like it used to be...quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.
Now let's see... Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical
care, free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.
Then the illegals come by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be
seen by an emergency room doctor. Your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools
because over half the class doesn't speak English.
Corn Fakes now come in bilingual box, I have to "press one" to hear my bank talk to me
in English and people waving flags other than the "Maple Leaf" are squawking and
screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.
Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.
<><>
Time to stop and write out a grocery list for the morning. Take good care, my friends
and I hope the week is going well for you and your loved ones. My love and best
wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.
Post 605 ~ ~ Monday, 8th June, 2009.
<><><>
Thursday, June 04, 2009
The Butterfly.
Post 604 ~ ~ ~ Thursday, 4th June, 2009.
Hello Everyone ~ ~ I hope all is well with you, as it is with me... I had a visit from 2 neighbors today, so see how I go with this, I may have to finish it tomorrow.
I have a small story called "The Butterfly" tonight and I hope you enjoy it.
The author is Unknown.
A man found a cocoon for a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared, he sat and
watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force his body through the the
little hole.
Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared that it had gotten as far as
it could and could go no farther. Then the man decided to help the butterfly.
He took a pair of scissors and snipped the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly
emerged easily.
Something was strange. The butterfly had a swollen body and shriveled wings. The man
continued to watch the butterfly because he expected at any moment, the wings would
enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.
Neither happened. In fact the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a
swollen body and deformed wings. It was never able to fly.
What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand, was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the small opening of
the cocoon are God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings
so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life.
If God allowed us to go through all our lives without any obstacles, that would cripple us. We would never be as strong as what we could have been.
Not only that, we could never fly.
<><>
First joke tonight came from my blogger friend Jim. Thanks for this one, Jim.
Golf Nut.
John and Helen met while on vacation, and John fell head over heels in love with her.
And after a couple of weeks in which John took Helen out to various dance clubs,
restaurants, concerts etc., he was convinced that it was true love.
So...on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious
talk about how the relationship would continue. "It's only fair to warn you, I am a total
golf nut," John said to his new found lady friend .. .. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's going to be a problem, you'd better say so now."
Helen took a deep breath and responded, "Since we're being honest with each other,
here goes .... you need to know that I'm a hooker."
"I see," John replied. "That's a problem for sure."
He spent some time looking down at the table, deep in thought. Then he said, "You
know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."
<><>
Next one from my friends is England -- Sue and Bob. Thank you.
The Afterlife.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other
about the afterlife.. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact.
"Mary, Mary." "Is that you Fred?" "Yes, I've come back like to we agreed."
"What is it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, then off to the golf course,
I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. Then I have lunch, another
romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.
After supper, off to the gold course again, Then have sex until late at night. The next
day it starts again."
"Fred, you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly. I'm a rabbit in Surrey."
<><>
A few from my friend Embee in Britain. Thank you Mike. Hi to your wife Chris B.
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting
and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to Heaven, he said, "Lord take pity on
me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me
life and give up me Irish Whiskey."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said "Never mind, I found one."
<><>
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you
want to go to Heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then he asked the second man, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die, you don't
want to go to Heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to
go right now."
<><>
Paddy was in New York. He was waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, Pedestrians."
Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He had done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians." for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him
and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
<><> There are a few more of these for another time. <><>
My cousin, Bill sent the next few,and there's more of them too. Thanks Bill.
Saturday morning, I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog,
and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat to the truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing a 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio
and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there
is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started.
<><>
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter for some reason, took my order first. "I'll
have the strip steak, medium rare please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah," I said, "she can order for herself."
And that's how the fight started.
<><>
My wife and I were watching "Who wants to be a millionaire?" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No." she answered.
I then said, " Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's how the fight started.
<><>
Well it's time to finish this off and retire for the night. Take great care of yourselves and
each other. May the rest of your day be the best of your day. My love and best wishes
to you all. Cheers, Merle.
Post 604 ~ ~ Thursday, 4th June, 2009.
<><>
Hello Everyone ~ ~ I hope all is well with you, as it is with me... I had a visit from 2 neighbors today, so see how I go with this, I may have to finish it tomorrow.
I have a small story called "The Butterfly" tonight and I hope you enjoy it.
The author is Unknown.
A man found a cocoon for a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared, he sat and
watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force his body through the the
little hole.
Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared that it had gotten as far as
it could and could go no farther. Then the man decided to help the butterfly.
He took a pair of scissors and snipped the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly
emerged easily.
Something was strange. The butterfly had a swollen body and shriveled wings. The man
continued to watch the butterfly because he expected at any moment, the wings would
enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.
Neither happened. In fact the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a
swollen body and deformed wings. It was never able to fly.
What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand, was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the small opening of
the cocoon are God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings
so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life.
If God allowed us to go through all our lives without any obstacles, that would cripple us. We would never be as strong as what we could have been.
Not only that, we could never fly.
<><>
First joke tonight came from my blogger friend Jim. Thanks for this one, Jim.
Golf Nut.
John and Helen met while on vacation, and John fell head over heels in love with her.
And after a couple of weeks in which John took Helen out to various dance clubs,
restaurants, concerts etc., he was convinced that it was true love.
So...on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious
talk about how the relationship would continue. "It's only fair to warn you, I am a total
golf nut," John said to his new found lady friend .. .. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's going to be a problem, you'd better say so now."
Helen took a deep breath and responded, "Since we're being honest with each other,
here goes .... you need to know that I'm a hooker."
"I see," John replied. "That's a problem for sure."
He spent some time looking down at the table, deep in thought. Then he said, "You
know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."
<><>
Next one from my friends is England -- Sue and Bob. Thank you.
The Afterlife.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other
about the afterlife.. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact.
"Mary, Mary." "Is that you Fred?" "Yes, I've come back like to we agreed."
"What is it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, then off to the golf course,
I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. Then I have lunch, another
romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.
After supper, off to the gold course again, Then have sex until late at night. The next
day it starts again."
"Fred, you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly. I'm a rabbit in Surrey."
<><>
A few from my friend Embee in Britain. Thank you Mike. Hi to your wife Chris B.
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting
and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to Heaven, he said, "Lord take pity on
me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me
life and give up me Irish Whiskey."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said "Never mind, I found one."
<><>
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you
want to go to Heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then he asked the second man, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die, you don't
want to go to Heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to
go right now."
<><>
Paddy was in New York. He was waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, Pedestrians."
Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He had done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians." for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him
and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
<><> There are a few more of these for another time. <><>
My cousin, Bill sent the next few,and there's more of them too. Thanks Bill.
Saturday morning, I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog,
and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat to the truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing a 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio
and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there
is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started.
<><>
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter for some reason, took my order first. "I'll
have the strip steak, medium rare please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah," I said, "she can order for herself."
And that's how the fight started.
<><>
My wife and I were watching "Who wants to be a millionaire?" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No." she answered.
I then said, " Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's how the fight started.
<><>
Well it's time to finish this off and retire for the night. Take great care of yourselves and
each other. May the rest of your day be the best of your day. My love and best wishes
to you all. Cheers, Merle.
Post 604 ~ ~ Thursday, 4th June, 2009.
<><>
Monday, June 01, 2009
Time is such a Precious Thing.
Post 603 ~ ~ ~ Monday, 1st June, 2009.
Hi Everyone ~~ I hope all is well with you. I am fine and getting back to normal after a
very fun and happy week. It has been a drizzly rain day today without a lot of actual rain.
I made a large steak and kidney casserole and did heaps of vegies, so no more cooking
for a few more days. I may even catch up on my replies tomorrow. Fingers crossed.
Today is the first day of our Winter, so Autumn and the leaves are nearly all gone.
We have had lovely weather - around 18 C to 20 C which is 66 F to 68 F. Guess it will
get cooler from now on. The nights have been cooler, already.
I have a very small poem from a Friendship Book, which I hope you may enjoy.
Time is such a precious thing,
It's more than wealth untold!
It's something that we cannot store
And nobody can hold.
Life goes by so speedily,
Before we scarce can taste it,
And time can never be regained . . .
So why do people waste it?
<><>
John finally sent me the two pictures he took during our lunch on Sunday 24th May.
L to R Back of Scotty. Bec. Me , Heather and Geoff.
L to R Geoff, Scott, Joanne, Bec and a bit of me, Heather in Front.
And a nice time was had by all !!!
Now to find some jokes for you...
No Speak English . . .
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. However the lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to
communicate with her husband. The real problem arose when she had to go shopping.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how
to put forward her request, and in despeeration, clucked like a chicken and lifted her
skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it and so
she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts.
The butcher understood again and gave her chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady wanted to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brouht her husband to the shop . . . . .
Please scroll down . . .
^
^
^
^
^
^
What were you thinking? Hellooooo, her husband speaks English !!
<><>
A few more Whys of Men. Thank you Linda.
Q What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A. A Rumor.
Q Why do little boys whine ? A. They are practicing to be men.
Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e mail?
A. Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath & calling your name?
A. You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and
Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength. I'll beat him to death. Amen
Life may not be the party you hoped for. . . .but while you are here, you may as well dance.
<><>
Overheard: "My greatest fear is that I will be standing behind Mother Teresa in the
Final Judgement line and I'll hear God tell her. "You know, you should have done more.'"
<><>
You Know You Are Living in 2009 when . . . . . Thank you dear Robyn.
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have
e mail.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home
to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first
20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to
go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to send this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back to check there wasn't a #9 on this list.
<><>
One from my dear friend, Barbara. Thank you so much Barbara, I hope all is well.
Bran Muffins.
The couple were 90 years old, and had been married for 70 years. Though they were
far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's
insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their
plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St Peter escorted them inside. He took them to
a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your
home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter
replied, "Remember this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course,
finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?"
"This is Heaven," St Peter replied, " You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable
cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts and free flowing
beverages.
"Don't even ask," said St Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
"Well where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven."
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure?"
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have
been here twenty years ago !!"
<><>
Some Bible Riddles . . . . .
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharoah's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little
Prophet.
Q. What sort of man was Boaz before he married. A, Ruth-less.
Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible.
A. Nebuchadnezzar. He was on grass for seven years.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
A. Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord.
A. 2 Cor.48 describes going out in service in a Volkswagon Beetle: "We are pressed in
every way, but not cramped beyond movement."
Q. Who was the greatest commedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A. They really raised Cain.
Q. What excuse did Adam give his children as to why they no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought never entered his head before.
Q. What do they call Pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. What is the first recorded case of constipation in the Bible.
A. It's in Kings, where it says David sat on the Throne for forty tears.
Q Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
<><>
Well, time to get off to bed for me. I hope you found something of interest here.
Take very good care of yourselves and each other. Enjoy every day of your lives.
My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.
Post 603 ~~~ Monday, 1st June, 2009.
<><><>
Hi Everyone ~~ I hope all is well with you. I am fine and getting back to normal after a
very fun and happy week. It has been a drizzly rain day today without a lot of actual rain.
I made a large steak and kidney casserole and did heaps of vegies, so no more cooking
for a few more days. I may even catch up on my replies tomorrow. Fingers crossed.
Today is the first day of our Winter, so Autumn and the leaves are nearly all gone.
We have had lovely weather - around 18 C to 20 C which is 66 F to 68 F. Guess it will
get cooler from now on. The nights have been cooler, already.
I have a very small poem from a Friendship Book, which I hope you may enjoy.
Time is such a precious thing,
It's more than wealth untold!
It's something that we cannot store
And nobody can hold.
Life goes by so speedily,
Before we scarce can taste it,
And time can never be regained . . .
So why do people waste it?
<><>
John finally sent me the two pictures he took during our lunch on Sunday 24th May.
L to R Back of Scotty. Bec. Me , Heather and Geoff.
L to R Geoff, Scott, Joanne, Bec and a bit of me, Heather in Front.
And a nice time was had by all !!!
Now to find some jokes for you...
No Speak English . . .
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. However the lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to
communicate with her husband. The real problem arose when she had to go shopping.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how
to put forward her request, and in despeeration, clucked like a chicken and lifted her
skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it and so
she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts.
The butcher understood again and gave her chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady wanted to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brouht her husband to the shop . . . . .
Please scroll down . . .
^
^
^
^
^
^
What were you thinking? Hellooooo, her husband speaks English !!
<><>
A few more Whys of Men. Thank you Linda.
Q What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A. A Rumor.
Q Why do little boys whine ? A. They are practicing to be men.
Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e mail?
A. Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath & calling your name?
A. You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and
Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength. I'll beat him to death. Amen
Life may not be the party you hoped for. . . .but while you are here, you may as well dance.
<><>
Overheard: "My greatest fear is that I will be standing behind Mother Teresa in the
Final Judgement line and I'll hear God tell her. "You know, you should have done more.'"
<><>
You Know You Are Living in 2009 when . . . . . Thank you dear Robyn.
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have
e mail.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home
to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first
20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to
go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to send this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back to check there wasn't a #9 on this list.
<><>
One from my dear friend, Barbara. Thank you so much Barbara, I hope all is well.
Bran Muffins.
The couple were 90 years old, and had been married for 70 years. Though they were
far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's
insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their
plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St Peter escorted them inside. He took them to
a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your
home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter
replied, "Remember this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course,
finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?"
"This is Heaven," St Peter replied, " You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable
cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts and free flowing
beverages.
"Don't even ask," said St Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
"Well where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven."
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure?"
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have
been here twenty years ago !!"
<><>
Some Bible Riddles . . . . .
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharoah's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little
Prophet.
Q. What sort of man was Boaz before he married. A, Ruth-less.
Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible.
A. Nebuchadnezzar. He was on grass for seven years.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
A. Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord.
A. 2 Cor.48 describes going out in service in a Volkswagon Beetle: "We are pressed in
every way, but not cramped beyond movement."
Q. Who was the greatest commedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A. They really raised Cain.
Q. What excuse did Adam give his children as to why they no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought never entered his head before.
Q. What do they call Pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. What is the first recorded case of constipation in the Bible.
A. It's in Kings, where it says David sat on the Throne for forty tears.
Q Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
<><>
Well, time to get off to bed for me. I hope you found something of interest here.
Take very good care of yourselves and each other. Enjoy every day of your lives.
My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.
Post 603 ~~~ Monday, 1st June, 2009.
<><><>
Friday, May 29, 2009
Hi -- I am back again.
Post 602 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 29th May, 2009.
Hello Everyone I am back again to show off more pics of my family. Unfortunately there are no pics of Geoff, Joanne and Scott. John took a couple at the Lunch Restaurant, but said they were very dark and he hasn't been able to send them, for some reason. He just collected Bec, to help fix something on his computer and will bring her back later tonight. She leaves for
home tomorrow and starts work on Monday. John will take her to Melbourne and her
flight leaves about 3 pm. It has been great having her here and she as always is such a help.
This was on Sunday night after Kathy and girls arrived. This is what I wore on my birthday, it has
a long skirt and they are velvet. L to R Kristen 16, Merle 75, Bec 28, Jorja 11, and Kate 21.
John, Kathy, Bec. and Kate, Kathy's eldest.
John took this of me, talking as usual. Probably telling him how to use the new camera.
This lovely Cyclamen plant in a nice purple pot, got halfway here for Mother's Day, when Geoff had
to return home and help clean up a burst water hose. Happily the insurance company came to the
party and saw it all fixed up. The Blues sign is my football team, Carlton in the Aust. Football League. They are playing John's team tonight, so one of us will be disappointed.
This is a huge Pot Plant with a fern surrounding a Zyco-cactus which is a salmon color and it is
really beautiful. This was a gift from Joanne and Geoff. I love it. It's really lovely.
Enough birthday talk for today. I have had a wonderful week. Soon be back to just me.
So I will have to talk to myself I guess. So will find a few jokes for you.
I do hope you are all doing well and enjoying your lives, as much as I am.
Thanks to all my family and friends and for greetings from Blogging friends for making
this such a special time for me.
Thank you to my good friend Robyn for the Trivia we can't live without.
In the 14oo's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence, we have 'the rule of thumb.'
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...
Ladies Forbidden"... and thus the word GOLF entered the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma
Flinstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can. Women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
Intelligent people have more Zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter : Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David. Hearts - Charlemangne. Clubs - Alexandra the Great. Diamonds-Julius Caeser.
111,111,111 X 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654, 321.
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person
died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle, If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
of natural causes.
Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
Answer -- Obsession.
If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you find the letter "A"
A. One thousand.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey.
At least 75 % of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
<><>
A few from my good friend Linda L. Thanks Linda.
Why's of Men.
Why do men become smarter during sex?
(because they are plugged into a genius.)
Why don't women blink during sex?
(they don't have enough time.)
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
(they don't stop and ask directions.)
Why did God make men before women?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy.)
How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down?
(don't know ..... it never happened.)
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds
after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the
washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied, "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb.....
<><>
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in
the world.:
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
<><>
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospita While on the
operating table, she had a near death experience, Seeing God, she asks, "Is my time
up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decides to stay in hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck She even had someone come in and change her
hair colour and brighten her teeth.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most
of it. After her last operation, she was released from hospital. While crossing the street
on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, " I thought you said I had another 43 years
Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, " I didn't bl***y recognize you."
<><>
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are walking when they see something shining at the top of a building. They go up to see what it is and they find a lamp.
The Englishman picks it up and rubs it and a genie appears and says there is a sllide at the
top of that building. When you slide down it whatever you say you land in a pit of it at the bottom.
The Englishman says money. He lands in a pit of money.
The Irishman slides down and says beer. He landsin a pit of beer.
The Scotsman gets to the top of the slide, trips and says "Oh, crap."
<><>
Well Bec is back and the footy is about to start. Go Blues!! Take good care of each
other and yourselves. I heard a quote this morning, "May the rest of your life be the
best of your life." My bove and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.
Post 602 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 29th May, 2009
<><><>
Hello Everyone I am back again to show off more pics of my family. Unfortunately there are no pics of Geoff, Joanne and Scott. John took a couple at the Lunch Restaurant, but said they were very dark and he hasn't been able to send them, for some reason. He just collected Bec, to help fix something on his computer and will bring her back later tonight. She leaves for
home tomorrow and starts work on Monday. John will take her to Melbourne and her
flight leaves about 3 pm. It has been great having her here and she as always is such a help.
This was on Sunday night after Kathy and girls arrived. This is what I wore on my birthday, it has
a long skirt and they are velvet. L to R Kristen 16, Merle 75, Bec 28, Jorja 11, and Kate 21.
John, Kathy, Bec. and Kate, Kathy's eldest.
John took this of me, talking as usual. Probably telling him how to use the new camera.
This lovely Cyclamen plant in a nice purple pot, got halfway here for Mother's Day, when Geoff had
to return home and help clean up a burst water hose. Happily the insurance company came to the
party and saw it all fixed up. The Blues sign is my football team, Carlton in the Aust. Football League. They are playing John's team tonight, so one of us will be disappointed.
This is a huge Pot Plant with a fern surrounding a Zyco-cactus which is a salmon color and it is
really beautiful. This was a gift from Joanne and Geoff. I love it. It's really lovely.
Enough birthday talk for today. I have had a wonderful week. Soon be back to just me.
So I will have to talk to myself I guess. So will find a few jokes for you.
I do hope you are all doing well and enjoying your lives, as much as I am.
Thanks to all my family and friends and for greetings from Blogging friends for making
this such a special time for me.
Thank you to my good friend Robyn for the Trivia we can't live without.
In the 14oo's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence, we have 'the rule of thumb.'
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...
Ladies Forbidden"... and thus the word GOLF entered the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma
Flinstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can. Women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
Intelligent people have more Zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter : Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David. Hearts - Charlemangne. Clubs - Alexandra the Great. Diamonds-Julius Caeser.
111,111,111 X 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654, 321.
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person
died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle, If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
of natural causes.
Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
Answer -- Obsession.
If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you find the letter "A"
A. One thousand.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey.
At least 75 % of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
<><>
A few from my good friend Linda L. Thanks Linda.
Why's of Men.
Why do men become smarter during sex?
(because they are plugged into a genius.)
Why don't women blink during sex?
(they don't have enough time.)
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
(they don't stop and ask directions.)
Why did God make men before women?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy.)
How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down?
(don't know ..... it never happened.)
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds
after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the
washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied, "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb.....
<><>
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in
the world.:
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
<><>
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospita While on the
operating table, she had a near death experience, Seeing God, she asks, "Is my time
up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decides to stay in hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck She even had someone come in and change her
hair colour and brighten her teeth.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most
of it. After her last operation, she was released from hospital. While crossing the street
on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, " I thought you said I had another 43 years
Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, " I didn't bl***y recognize you."
<><>
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are walking when they see something shining at the top of a building. They go up to see what it is and they find a lamp.
The Englishman picks it up and rubs it and a genie appears and says there is a sllide at the
top of that building. When you slide down it whatever you say you land in a pit of it at the bottom.
The Englishman says money. He lands in a pit of money.
The Irishman slides down and says beer. He landsin a pit of beer.
The Scotsman gets to the top of the slide, trips and says "Oh, crap."
<><>
Well Bec is back and the footy is about to start. Go Blues!! Take good care of each
other and yourselves. I heard a quote this morning, "May the rest of your life be the
best of your life." My bove and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.
Post 602 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 29th May, 2009
<><><>
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Still Celebrating.
Post 601 ~ ~ ~ Tuesday, 26th May, 2009.
Hello My Friends ~ ~ I hope the world has been treating you all well. I seem to be getting very spoilt and taken care of and am really beginning to like it.
My 'little' brother Peter has his birthday on Thursday, the 28th. I hope you have a great day Peter and enjoy every minute. Please pop over and wish him a Happy Birthday.
It all started on Sunday when John arrived to take me for our Lunch with Geoff and Jo and we were sitting talking, a few minutes, and the doorbell rang, that I hadn't seen anyone
arrive, John said "It's some strange lady." AND it was his daughter Rebecca who flew in
from Brisbane Saturday for a week. Did I ever get a surprise??? Bec was my right hand 'man' for years until she moved to Queensland, taking me shopping weekly and to Drs
etc etc. She has been gone almost 5 years, and this is her third trip back to Shepparton.
Meanwhile, my daughter Kathy rang to say she and her three daughters were coming for
a couple of nights. So that was another big surprise. Kathy brought me a lovely digital
Photo Frame, So Kristen and Kate worked out how to load photos and then taught me.
Also, of course Jo and Geoff and son Scott came to the Luncheon which was lovely, and
it was great to have them although they had to leave early after lunch. They brougt me a beautiful hanging basket with a tallish fern in with a large Zygo Cactus. I love it and will take
some photos for next time I post. John took a couple of photos at the Lunch, but hasn't sent them yet, so they are the only ones with Jo and Geoff and Scott in them. Here are some others.
This is my eldest, John and youngest, Kathy and me.
A couple of Kathy and me, Monday and on Tuesday.
Three Generations, John, Bec and me. taken Tuesday 26th May, 2009
Bec, and John on the left, and Kristen, Jorja, Kate, and Kathryn on the right.
Yesterday, All the girls took me shopping and spent a nice time looking around as we fought a wide edged toaster to cook thick Cafe Raison loaf slices in. and that works well.
Then we bought a tall standerd Light for me to see the computer while I type. And then I
bought a new camera as my old one was heavy compared to the new one and has a much bigger view of photos. The old one was very hard on batteries.
Scott, my grandson brought me a lovely dragonfly that goes in the garden and glows at
the end of the day. Kathy also brought me a large bunch of a huge Lily of some sort.
Kathy and the girls left about 11 am this morning. It was so good to see them as usual.
Thank you all so much for your comments and birthday wishes and I will get around to
replying to you all soon. i am tired tonight so will cut this short.
Last night Kathy cooked tea for us and tonight John, Bec and I went out for tea again.
Bec only has a few more days before she leaves on Saturday.
So you can see it has been very busy, but very exciting. My love to you all,
Cheers , Merle.
Post 601 ~ ~ ~ Tuesday, 26th May, 2009.
<><><>
Hello My Friends ~ ~ I hope the world has been treating you all well. I seem to be getting very spoilt and taken care of and am really beginning to like it.
My 'little' brother Peter has his birthday on Thursday, the 28th. I hope you have a great day Peter and enjoy every minute. Please pop over and wish him a Happy Birthday.
It all started on Sunday when John arrived to take me for our Lunch with Geoff and Jo and we were sitting talking, a few minutes, and the doorbell rang, that I hadn't seen anyone
arrive, John said "It's some strange lady." AND it was his daughter Rebecca who flew in
from Brisbane Saturday for a week. Did I ever get a surprise??? Bec was my right hand 'man' for years until she moved to Queensland, taking me shopping weekly and to Drs
etc etc. She has been gone almost 5 years, and this is her third trip back to Shepparton.
Meanwhile, my daughter Kathy rang to say she and her three daughters were coming for
a couple of nights. So that was another big surprise. Kathy brought me a lovely digital
Photo Frame, So Kristen and Kate worked out how to load photos and then taught me.
Also, of course Jo and Geoff and son Scott came to the Luncheon which was lovely, and
it was great to have them although they had to leave early after lunch. They brougt me a beautiful hanging basket with a tallish fern in with a large Zygo Cactus. I love it and will take
some photos for next time I post. John took a couple of photos at the Lunch, but hasn't sent them yet, so they are the only ones with Jo and Geoff and Scott in them. Here are some others.
This is my eldest, John and youngest, Kathy and me.
A couple of Kathy and me, Monday and on Tuesday.
Three Generations, John, Bec and me. taken Tuesday 26th May, 2009
Bec, and John on the left, and Kristen, Jorja, Kate, and Kathryn on the right.
Yesterday, All the girls took me shopping and spent a nice time looking around as we fought a wide edged toaster to cook thick Cafe Raison loaf slices in. and that works well.
Then we bought a tall standerd Light for me to see the computer while I type. And then I
bought a new camera as my old one was heavy compared to the new one and has a much bigger view of photos. The old one was very hard on batteries.
Scott, my grandson brought me a lovely dragonfly that goes in the garden and glows at
the end of the day. Kathy also brought me a large bunch of a huge Lily of some sort.
Kathy and the girls left about 11 am this morning. It was so good to see them as usual.
Thank you all so much for your comments and birthday wishes and I will get around to
replying to you all soon. i am tired tonight so will cut this short.
Last night Kathy cooked tea for us and tonight John, Bec and I went out for tea again.
Bec only has a few more days before she leaves on Saturday.
So you can see it has been very busy, but very exciting. My love to you all,
Cheers , Merle.
Post 601 ~ ~ ~ Tuesday, 26th May, 2009.
<><><>
Friday, May 22, 2009
Happy 75th Birthday to Me.
Post 600 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 22nd May, 2009.
Hello Everyone ~ ~ I will turn 75 years old on Sunday, 24th May. I didn't expect to reach this age, and I sure don't feel much different than I did years ago. My body has slowed me down, but the mind still works pretty well. And I still enjoy life most of the time. My family and friends and all my blogging friends are the source of much of the enjoyment of life.
Another birthday coming up is Big Dave on Monday 25th May. Happy Birthday Dave.
On Sunday, my sons and various members of their family are taking me out for lunch, so
that should be nice, although I don't like being the centre of attention too much. I will post some photos next time I do a post. My little ? brother Peter will be 73 four days after me.
His daughter, Vicki's husband Rex came through his surgery all right and noww they wait
for the pathology reports. I pray they will be good news as those two have had a bad time the last year or two. Peter has a nice photo of them both on his blog.
Well, after that major announcement above, I had better look for jokes.
The first one comes from my friend in Britain - Embee, Chris B's husband. Thanks Mike.
The Hair Cut.
One day a florist goes to the barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept any money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a
dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later a cop comes in for a haircut and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber replies again, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week. The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning, when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and
a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a hair cut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you, I am doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen
different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful."
Then a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the
barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you . I am doing community service this week. The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up his shop, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our
country and the Members of Parliament.
<><>
Thank you Warren for the next one.
It's that "Little Johnny" again -- "putting his foot in it."
Daddy's car in the woods.
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate
embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home
and started to tell his mother, "Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car
go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a
big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take
off his pants, then Aunt Jane . . . . ."
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, let's
save the rest of it for supper-time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you
tell it tonight."
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny
started his story, "I was at the playground when I saw Daddy's car go into the woods
with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped
her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane
and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs."
Mummy fainted.
Moral : Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you
interupt.
<><>
Next one is called Old Timer Sex. Thanks to my friend Beth E.
The elderly husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we
had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll down there again and we can do it for old
time's sake."
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but a good idea."
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, "I've got to see these two old timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the
fence, the old man moves in.
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the policeman has ever see. This
goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and
screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age
that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to
their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman who is still watching them and
thinks to himself, "This is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is."
So as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
<><>
Next one is from my dear friend, Linda L. "It is called New Job." Thanks you Linda.
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out
and bites him. To show the others who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be very pleased, he desposes of the fish by feeding it to the
lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to his second job of clearing out the chimpanzee house, he is attacked by the
chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses
to the lion's enclosure.
He moves on to his last job which is to collect honey from the
South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked and stung by the bees.
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he know what to do, and
throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says,
"What's the food like here?"
The other lion says, "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."
<><>
A few from the paper -- Jokes based on clever use of language.
Robert went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will, but I don't know exactly
how to go about it."
The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied. "Not a problem, leave it all to me."
Robert looked somewhat upset and said, "Well, I knew you were going to take a big
portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family."
<><>
A policeman spotted a jay walker and decided to challenge him. "Why are you trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 20 metres away?"
"Well," replied the jay walker, "I hope it's having better luck than me."
<><>
Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches
from their brief-cases and begin to eat.
Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, "Excuse me, but you cannot
eat your own sandwiches in here."
The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.
<><>
Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put the cat out.
The taxi arrives and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots in.
Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver."
My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and and climbs back into the taxi "Sorry I took so long. The stupid idiot was hiding was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her
with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out."
<><>
Bye for now my friends Have a wonderful weekend. My love and best wishes to you all.
Post 600 ~~ Friday, 22nd May, 2009.
<><>
Hello Everyone ~ ~ I will turn 75 years old on Sunday, 24th May. I didn't expect to reach this age, and I sure don't feel much different than I did years ago. My body has slowed me down, but the mind still works pretty well. And I still enjoy life most of the time. My family and friends and all my blogging friends are the source of much of the enjoyment of life.
Another birthday coming up is Big Dave on Monday 25th May. Happy Birthday Dave.
On Sunday, my sons and various members of their family are taking me out for lunch, so
that should be nice, although I don't like being the centre of attention too much. I will post some photos next time I do a post. My little ? brother Peter will be 73 four days after me.
His daughter, Vicki's husband Rex came through his surgery all right and noww they wait
for the pathology reports. I pray they will be good news as those two have had a bad time the last year or two. Peter has a nice photo of them both on his blog.
Well, after that major announcement above, I had better look for jokes.
The first one comes from my friend in Britain - Embee, Chris B's husband. Thanks Mike.
The Hair Cut.
One day a florist goes to the barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept any money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a
dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later a cop comes in for a haircut and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber replies again, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week. The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning, when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and
a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a hair cut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you, I am doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen
different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful."
Then a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the
barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you . I am doing community service this week. The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up his shop, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our
country and the Members of Parliament.
<><>
Thank you Warren for the next one.
It's that "Little Johnny" again -- "putting his foot in it."
Daddy's car in the woods.
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate
embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home
and started to tell his mother, "Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car
go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a
big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take
off his pants, then Aunt Jane . . . . ."
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, let's
save the rest of it for supper-time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you
tell it tonight."
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny
started his story, "I was at the playground when I saw Daddy's car go into the woods
with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped
her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane
and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs."
Mummy fainted.
Moral : Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you
interupt.
<><>
Next one is called Old Timer Sex. Thanks to my friend Beth E.
The elderly husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we
had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll down there again and we can do it for old
time's sake."
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but a good idea."
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, "I've got to see these two old timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the
fence, the old man moves in.
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the policeman has ever see. This
goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and
screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age
that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to
their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman who is still watching them and
thinks to himself, "This is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is."
So as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
<><>
Next one is from my dear friend, Linda L. "It is called New Job." Thanks you Linda.
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out
and bites him. To show the others who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be very pleased, he desposes of the fish by feeding it to the
lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to his second job of clearing out the chimpanzee house, he is attacked by the
chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses
to the lion's enclosure.
He moves on to his last job which is to collect honey from the
South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked and stung by the bees.
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he know what to do, and
throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says,
"What's the food like here?"
The other lion says, "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."
<><>
A few from the paper -- Jokes based on clever use of language.
Robert went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will, but I don't know exactly
how to go about it."
The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied. "Not a problem, leave it all to me."
Robert looked somewhat upset and said, "Well, I knew you were going to take a big
portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family."
<><>
A policeman spotted a jay walker and decided to challenge him. "Why are you trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 20 metres away?"
"Well," replied the jay walker, "I hope it's having better luck than me."
<><>
Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches
from their brief-cases and begin to eat.
Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, "Excuse me, but you cannot
eat your own sandwiches in here."
The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.
<><>
Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put the cat out.
The taxi arrives and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots in.
Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver."
My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and and climbs back into the taxi "Sorry I took so long. The stupid idiot was hiding was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her
with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out."
<><>
Bye for now my friends Have a wonderful weekend. My love and best wishes to you all.
Post 600 ~~ Friday, 22nd May, 2009.
<><>
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Man and a Dog.
Post 599 ~ ~ ~ Tuesday, 19th May, 2009.
Hello My Friends ~ ~ Here we go again and the computer is fixed and going OK. The disk
drive wasn't working and the technician brought a new one, which fortunately we did not
need. He fixed the one in the machine, so that was great. He also installed a new CA virus
protection, which I could have done if the disk drive had been working.
We have another birthday tomorrow, Happy Birthday Della and many more.
Also I have a Prayer Request for my niece Vicki and her husband Rex. Vicki's health has improved, but unfortunately Rex is having an operation for Prostate cancer on 21st of
May, so if you pray, please, keep them both is your prayers. Thank you.
I will be thinking of them and praying for a good outcome. Love to you both.
Tonight I have a nice story called A man and his dog, Thank you whoever sent it to me
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it
occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He
wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while they came to a high, white stone wall alone one side of the road. It looked like fine
marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like
mother-of-pearl. and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog
walked to the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow, Would you happen to have some water?"
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man
gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend come in too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the
way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road
leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approachhed the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me," he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he
gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man standing by the tree.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is Heaven" he answered.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said.? "The man down the road said that was Heaven too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope, that's Hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friend
behind." Sooooo....
You and your dogs are welcome at my water bowl anytime."
Remember the prayer, "Lord, please let me be half the person my dog thinks I am.
<><>
A joke sent by my friends, Sue and Bob Thank you.
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that
on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster, Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the ticket agent, "We can't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls. He went
back to the booth, bought a ticket and entered. He sat down next to two old widows
named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the bird began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so
Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He undid his pants and has his thing out." whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "Hell at our age we've seen 'em all."
"I thought so too," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my Popcorn"!!!!!
<><>
While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Queensland farmer, who got cut on a gate while working cattle. The rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually, the topic got around to "Kevin O7"
"Well, ya know," drawled the old farmer, "this Rudd fellow is what they call a fence-post
turtle."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked what a fencepost turtle was.
The old farmer said, "When you're driving along a country road and you come across a
fencepost with a turtle balancing on top. That's a fencepost turtle."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.
You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there,
he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, even though his legs are moving
he's going nowhere 'cos his feet aren't on the ground. and you just wonder what
kind of dill put him up there in the first place.
<><>
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife; "Perhaps you should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off your butt."
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go
unrewarded. The next morning, the husband took a pair of shorts out of his drawer.
"What the hell is this?" he said to himself as a little dust cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom. "Why did you put talcum powder in my shorts?"
She replied with a snicker,.. "It's not talcum powder, it's "Miracle Grow.""
<><>
One day a housework challenged husband decided to wash his tee -shirt. Seconds after
he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the
washing machine?"
"It depends," his wife replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb.
<><>
Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's dog barking.
It had been barking for hours and hours.
Suddenly, Paddy jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this" He goes downstairs.
Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What
have you been doing?"
Paddy says, "I've put the dog in our yard,.. see how THEY like it?"
<><>
Well, time to get off to bed for me. Just on midnight here. I hope all is well with you all.
Be kind to each other. Whatever you do, do well. My love and Best wishes, Merle.
Post 599 ~ ~ ~ Tuesday, 19th May, 2009.
<><><>
Hello My Friends ~ ~ Here we go again and the computer is fixed and going OK. The disk
drive wasn't working and the technician brought a new one, which fortunately we did not
need. He fixed the one in the machine, so that was great. He also installed a new CA virus
protection, which I could have done if the disk drive had been working.
We have another birthday tomorrow, Happy Birthday Della and many more.
Also I have a Prayer Request for my niece Vicki and her husband Rex. Vicki's health has improved, but unfortunately Rex is having an operation for Prostate cancer on 21st of
May, so if you pray, please, keep them both is your prayers. Thank you.
I will be thinking of them and praying for a good outcome. Love to you both.
Tonight I have a nice story called A man and his dog, Thank you whoever sent it to me
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it
occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He
wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while they came to a high, white stone wall alone one side of the road. It looked like fine
marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like
mother-of-pearl. and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog
walked to the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow, Would you happen to have some water?"
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man
gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend come in too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the
way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road
leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approachhed the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me," he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he
gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man standing by the tree.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is Heaven" he answered.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said.? "The man down the road said that was Heaven too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope, that's Hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friend
behind." Sooooo....
You and your dogs are welcome at my water bowl anytime."
Remember the prayer, "Lord, please let me be half the person my dog thinks I am.
<><>
A joke sent by my friends, Sue and Bob Thank you.
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that
on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster, Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the ticket agent, "We can't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls. He went
back to the booth, bought a ticket and entered. He sat down next to two old widows
named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the bird began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so
Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He undid his pants and has his thing out." whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "Hell at our age we've seen 'em all."
"I thought so too," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my Popcorn"!!!!!
<><>
While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Queensland farmer, who got cut on a gate while working cattle. The rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually, the topic got around to "Kevin O7"
"Well, ya know," drawled the old farmer, "this Rudd fellow is what they call a fence-post
turtle."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked what a fencepost turtle was.
The old farmer said, "When you're driving along a country road and you come across a
fencepost with a turtle balancing on top. That's a fencepost turtle."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.
You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there,
he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, even though his legs are moving
he's going nowhere 'cos his feet aren't on the ground. and you just wonder what
kind of dill put him up there in the first place.
<><>
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife; "Perhaps you should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off your butt."
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go
unrewarded. The next morning, the husband took a pair of shorts out of his drawer.
"What the hell is this?" he said to himself as a little dust cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom. "Why did you put talcum powder in my shorts?"
She replied with a snicker,.. "It's not talcum powder, it's "Miracle Grow.""
<><>
One day a housework challenged husband decided to wash his tee -shirt. Seconds after
he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the
washing machine?"
"It depends," his wife replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb.
<><>
Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's dog barking.
It had been barking for hours and hours.
Suddenly, Paddy jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this" He goes downstairs.
Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What
have you been doing?"
Paddy says, "I've put the dog in our yard,.. see how THEY like it?"
<><>
Well, time to get off to bed for me. Just on midnight here. I hope all is well with you all.
Be kind to each other. Whatever you do, do well. My love and Best wishes, Merle.
Post 599 ~ ~ ~ Tuesday, 19th May, 2009.
<><><>
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Heaven and Hell.
Post 598 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 17th May, 2009.
Hello My Friends ~ ~ As I have a technician coming in the morning to service my computer, I thought I had better put a post on in case he has to take it away. I hope it doesn't turn out to be an ID ten T problem. Write it down.
I hope all is well with your lives, weather nice, health as well as can be expected. I am back to normal again with my usual back ache that I have had for years. I cooked some Lemon chicken this morning and
I will make the Lemon Sauce in the morning. It is yummy.
Tonight's story is called Heaven and Hell, Author Unknown.
A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said
"Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like."
The Lord led the holy man to two doors.
He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy
man's mouth water.
The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished.
They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped
to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew
and take a spoonful. But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back to their mouths.
The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.
The Lord said, "You have seen Hell.
They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large
pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people
were equipped with the same long handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.
The holy man said, "I don't understand."
"It is simple," said the Lord. It requires but one skill. You see they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves."
It is estimated that 93% won't forward this. I am one of the 7% so remember that I will always share my spoon with you.
Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop and look around, once in awhile you may just miss it.
<><>
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers. : Thank you Robyn for this one.
1. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you are all dying to get home, unless, of course, you are married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to
the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
2. Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
suffering from E & B syndrome; not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I am given any."
3. " Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere
between Stratfird and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
$. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now .... "Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall ....."
5. "We are travelling through Baker Street...As you can see, Baker St
is closed. It would have been nice if they had told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about that."
6. "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage
these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7. During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen . . . Unfortunately towels are not provided."
8. "Let the passengers off the train FIRST" Pause. "OH, go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care. I am going home."
9. "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate
instructions."
10. "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw
yourself or your bags into the doors."
11. "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
12. "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear' don't you understand?"
13. "Please move all baggage away from the doors." Pause. "Please
move ALL belongings away from the doors." Pause. "This is a
personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door."
14. "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it around the rest of the carriage.
<><>
Thank you Gina E for the next one.
On his 74th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation. The medicine man was rumored to have a wonderful
cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, wondering what was to come.
The old medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, which he handed to the 74 year old. With a grip on his shoulder, the
medicine man warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only one teaspoonful and say "1-2-3.
When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been
in your life and you will be able to perform as long as you want."
The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4." he responded. "But when she does the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
The old man was very eager to see if the potion worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off all his clothes and said, "1-2-3."
Immediately he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes . . .and then
she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that boys and girls is why we should never end our sentences
with a preposition or one will end up with a dangling participle.
<><>
Just one more from my friend Warren. Thanks, Mate.
You would think the teacher would know better by now.
Gotta love Little Johnny, don't cha?
A teacher asked her class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my Grandad's
farm and we saw all his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate' not fascinating."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said , "Well that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'. not fascinated."
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny
before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
"fascinate", so she called on him for his offering.
Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.
The teacher sat down and cried.
<><>
That is enough for tonight. Look after yourselves and each other.
Share some smiles with someone who needs some. My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.
Post ~ ~ 598 Sunday, 17th May, 2009.
<><><>
Hello My Friends ~ ~ As I have a technician coming in the morning to service my computer, I thought I had better put a post on in case he has to take it away. I hope it doesn't turn out to be an ID ten T problem. Write it down.
I hope all is well with your lives, weather nice, health as well as can be expected. I am back to normal again with my usual back ache that I have had for years. I cooked some Lemon chicken this morning and
I will make the Lemon Sauce in the morning. It is yummy.
Tonight's story is called Heaven and Hell, Author Unknown.
A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said
"Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like."
The Lord led the holy man to two doors.
He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy
man's mouth water.
The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished.
They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped
to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew
and take a spoonful. But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back to their mouths.
The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.
The Lord said, "You have seen Hell.
They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large
pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people
were equipped with the same long handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.
The holy man said, "I don't understand."
"It is simple," said the Lord. It requires but one skill. You see they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves."
It is estimated that 93% won't forward this. I am one of the 7% so remember that I will always share my spoon with you.
Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop and look around, once in awhile you may just miss it.
<><>
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers. : Thank you Robyn for this one.
1. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you are all dying to get home, unless, of course, you are married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to
the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
2. Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
suffering from E & B syndrome; not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I am given any."
3. " Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere
between Stratfird and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
$. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now .... "Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall ....."
5. "We are travelling through Baker Street...As you can see, Baker St
is closed. It would have been nice if they had told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about that."
6. "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage
these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7. During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen . . . Unfortunately towels are not provided."
8. "Let the passengers off the train FIRST" Pause. "OH, go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care. I am going home."
9. "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate
instructions."
10. "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw
yourself or your bags into the doors."
11. "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
12. "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear' don't you understand?"
13. "Please move all baggage away from the doors." Pause. "Please
move ALL belongings away from the doors." Pause. "This is a
personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door."
14. "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it around the rest of the carriage.
<><>
Thank you Gina E for the next one.
On his 74th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation. The medicine man was rumored to have a wonderful
cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, wondering what was to come.
The old medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, which he handed to the 74 year old. With a grip on his shoulder, the
medicine man warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only one teaspoonful and say "1-2-3.
When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been
in your life and you will be able to perform as long as you want."
The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4." he responded. "But when she does the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
The old man was very eager to see if the potion worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off all his clothes and said, "1-2-3."
Immediately he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes . . .and then
she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that boys and girls is why we should never end our sentences
with a preposition or one will end up with a dangling participle.
<><>
Just one more from my friend Warren. Thanks, Mate.
You would think the teacher would know better by now.
Gotta love Little Johnny, don't cha?
A teacher asked her class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my Grandad's
farm and we saw all his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate' not fascinating."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said , "Well that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'. not fascinated."
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny
before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
"fascinate", so she called on him for his offering.
Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.
The teacher sat down and cried.
<><>
That is enough for tonight. Look after yourselves and each other.
Share some smiles with someone who needs some. My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.
Post ~ ~ 598 Sunday, 17th May, 2009.
<><><>
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
God Hath Not Promised.
Post 597 ~~ Wednesday, 13th May, 2009.
Hello my friends ~~ I came here a couple of hours ago, but Blogger was having some
maintenance or something ~ so see how I go from here. I got a few replies done in the
meantime. I hope you are all doing well and enjoying your lives and there are no fires
or floods near you. I am quite well again and feeling much better lately. I have done
some cooking - - corned beef and a lot of vegies. White sauce with parsley and onions to top the meat.
Yesterday was shopping day and that went well except the shop didn't have some of
the things I wanted. So I will have to get them some other way. In a Taxi or ask John.
He bought and brought me McDonald's Hot Cakes on Mother's Day so that was great I love them once in a while.
He also got on my roof to turn off my evaporative cooler.
I won't be wanting that again for a good while.
Unfortunately Geoff didn't get here as he got half way and had to turn back to sort out
a problem with a burst hose on the washing machine. Luckily his son Scott turned the water off, but not before some flooded rooms. The laundry and kitchen have tiles, but
it did get to 2 rooms with carpet. He tried with steam cleaning the carpets and was to
look at heaters to dry them off. I do hope they are OK. They will be up here soon.
I found a short little article called "God Hath Not Promised." Thinking of you Vicki and Rex.
God Hath not Promised
Skies Always Blue
Flower strewn Pathways
All Our lives through
God Hath Not Promised
Sun Without Rain
Joy Without Sorrow.
But God Hath Promised Light By the Way
Strength For the Day
Best For the Labor
Grace for the Trials.
Unfailing Sympathy and Undying Love. Author Unknown.
<><>
Now to find some jokes My Friend Linda sent me this item. I posted a similar one
a while back. It is called "Aln't it the Truth?" So not really a joke. Thanks Linda.
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (made in Japan)
for 6 am. While his coffee pot (Made in China) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (Made in Hong Kong). He put on a dress shirt (Made in Sri Lanka),
designer jeans (Made in Singapore) and tennis shoes (Made in Korea).
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (Made in India), he sat
down with his calculator (Made in Mexico) to see how much he could spend
that day.
After setting his watch (Made in Taiwan) to the radio (Made in India) he got
in his car (Made in Germany) filled it with petrol from (Saudi Arabia) and he
continued his search for a good Australian job.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his computer
(Made in Malaysia). Joe decides to relax for a while. He put on his sandals
(Made in Brazil), poured himself a glass of wine (Made in France) and turned on
his TV (Made in Indonesia), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying
job in Australia.
<><>
Some different meanings of words :
Adult :
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Beauty Parlor : A place where women curl up and dye.
Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.
Chickens: The only animal you can eat before it is born and after it's dead.
Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Dust : Mud with the juice sqeezed out.
Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
Handkerchief : Cold Storage.
Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.
Raisin : A grape with a sunburn.
Secret : Something you tell one person at a time.
Skeleton : A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
Toothache : The pain that drives you to extraction.
Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
Wrinkles: Something other people have. I have character lines.
Yawn : An honest opinion openly expressed.
<><>
One from my dear friend Linda L. Thanks Linda. It is called "The Gay Flight Attendant."
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put
everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that
"Caaptain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane
shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well dressed and rather Arabic looking
woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps, you didn't hear me over those big brute
engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us
on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch."
<><>
George Phillips of the Gold Coast was going up to bed when his wife told him that she
had left the light on in the garden shed which she could see from her bedroom. George
opened up the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the
shed, stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked, "Is there someone in yor house?" and he said "No"
Then they said that all patrol cars were busy, and that he should simply lock his door
and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up and he
counted to thirty and phoned the police again.
"hello, I just called you a few minutes ago because there were people stealing things
from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot
them." and then hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Responce Unit and an Ambulance
showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said you'd shot them."
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available."
<><>
A little boy persuades his dad to let him have a TV in his bedroom. After a few days
he asks his dad what is love juice. His father is shocked but decides to explain all about sex and all things that can be involved in the the process of doing the act and the little
boy cannot believe what his dad is telling him.
Then his dad asked him, "By the way.what were you watching on your TV?"
The boy replied, "Wimbledon."
<><>
Well that is enough for this post. I hope something appealed to you? Take care,all
my dear friends. I appreciate you all very much. My love and best wishes to you all.
Cheers for now, Merle.
Post 597 ~ ~ ~ Wednesday, 13th May, 2009.
<><><>
Hello my friends ~~ I came here a couple of hours ago, but Blogger was having some
maintenance or something ~ so see how I go from here. I got a few replies done in the
meantime. I hope you are all doing well and enjoying your lives and there are no fires
or floods near you. I am quite well again and feeling much better lately. I have done
some cooking - - corned beef and a lot of vegies. White sauce with parsley and onions to top the meat.
Yesterday was shopping day and that went well except the shop didn't have some of
the things I wanted. So I will have to get them some other way. In a Taxi or ask John.
He bought and brought me McDonald's Hot Cakes on Mother's Day so that was great I love them once in a while.
He also got on my roof to turn off my evaporative cooler.
I won't be wanting that again for a good while.
Unfortunately Geoff didn't get here as he got half way and had to turn back to sort out
a problem with a burst hose on the washing machine. Luckily his son Scott turned the water off, but not before some flooded rooms. The laundry and kitchen have tiles, but
it did get to 2 rooms with carpet. He tried with steam cleaning the carpets and was to
look at heaters to dry them off. I do hope they are OK. They will be up here soon.
I found a short little article called "God Hath Not Promised." Thinking of you Vicki and Rex.
God Hath not Promised
Skies Always Blue
Flower strewn Pathways
All Our lives through
God Hath Not Promised
Sun Without Rain
Joy Without Sorrow.
But God Hath Promised Light By the Way
Strength For the Day
Best For the Labor
Grace for the Trials.
Unfailing Sympathy and Undying Love. Author Unknown.
<><>
Now to find some jokes My Friend Linda sent me this item. I posted a similar one
a while back. It is called "Aln't it the Truth?" So not really a joke. Thanks Linda.
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (made in Japan)
for 6 am. While his coffee pot (Made in China) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (Made in Hong Kong). He put on a dress shirt (Made in Sri Lanka),
designer jeans (Made in Singapore) and tennis shoes (Made in Korea).
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (Made in India), he sat
down with his calculator (Made in Mexico) to see how much he could spend
that day.
After setting his watch (Made in Taiwan) to the radio (Made in India) he got
in his car (Made in Germany) filled it with petrol from (Saudi Arabia) and he
continued his search for a good Australian job.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his computer
(Made in Malaysia). Joe decides to relax for a while. He put on his sandals
(Made in Brazil), poured himself a glass of wine (Made in France) and turned on
his TV (Made in Indonesia), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying
job in Australia.
<><>
Some different meanings of words :
Adult :
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Beauty Parlor : A place where women curl up and dye.
Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.
Chickens: The only animal you can eat before it is born and after it's dead.
Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Dust : Mud with the juice sqeezed out.
Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
Handkerchief : Cold Storage.
Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.
Raisin : A grape with a sunburn.
Secret : Something you tell one person at a time.
Skeleton : A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
Toothache : The pain that drives you to extraction.
Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
Wrinkles: Something other people have. I have character lines.
Yawn : An honest opinion openly expressed.
<><>
One from my dear friend Linda L. Thanks Linda. It is called "The Gay Flight Attendant."
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put
everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that
"Caaptain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane
shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well dressed and rather Arabic looking
woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps, you didn't hear me over those big brute
engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us
on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch."
<><>
George Phillips of the Gold Coast was going up to bed when his wife told him that she
had left the light on in the garden shed which she could see from her bedroom. George
opened up the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the
shed, stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked, "Is there someone in yor house?" and he said "No"
Then they said that all patrol cars were busy, and that he should simply lock his door
and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up and he
counted to thirty and phoned the police again.
"hello, I just called you a few minutes ago because there were people stealing things
from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot
them." and then hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Responce Unit and an Ambulance
showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said you'd shot them."
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available."
<><>
A little boy persuades his dad to let him have a TV in his bedroom. After a few days
he asks his dad what is love juice. His father is shocked but decides to explain all about sex and all things that can be involved in the the process of doing the act and the little
boy cannot believe what his dad is telling him.
Then his dad asked him, "By the way.what were you watching on your TV?"
The boy replied, "Wimbledon."
<><>
Well that is enough for this post. I hope something appealed to you? Take care,all
my dear friends. I appreciate you all very much. My love and best wishes to you all.
Cheers for now, Merle.
Post 597 ~ ~ ~ Wednesday, 13th May, 2009.
<><><>
Saturday, May 09, 2009
! Corinthians For Mothers.
Post 596 ~ ~ ~ Saturday, 9th May, 2009.
Hello Everyone ~ ~A Very Happy Mother's Day for tomorrow for all those who celebrate
it then. That is the second Sunday in May each year here. Both my sons are calling in tomorrow and I guess the girls will telephone or e mail me.
Thank you all who showed concern for me, but I am fine and the fall was gentle and elegant and it was the getting up that was so hard and caused muscles to ache that I
didn't know I had. However all is well now and I am not having many pain-killers at all, thankfully. First thing in the morning is my worst time, until I get moving around.
I do hope the firemen can control those awful fires in California, very soon, My thoughts
and prayers are with those who lost their homes and belongings.
Tonight I have a nice story called "! Corinthians For Mothers." Hope you enjoy.
If I keep my house immaculately clean, and am envied by all for my interior decorating,
but do not show love in my family -- I am just another housewife.
If I'm always producing lovely things - sewing, art; if I always look attractive, and
speak intelligently, but am not loving to my family -- I am nothing.
If I am busy in community affairs, teach Sunday School and drive in the car-pool,
but fail to give adequate love to my family -- I gain nothing.
Love changes diapers, cleans up messes, and ties shoes -- over and over again.
Love is kind, though tired and frazzled.
Love doesn't envy another woman -- one whose children are 'spaced' better, or in
school so she has time to pursue her own interests.
Love doesn't try to impress others with my abilities or knowledge as a mother.
Love doesn't scream at the kids.
Love doesn't feel cheated because because I didn't get to do what I wanted to do
today -- sew, read, soak in a hot tub.
Love doesn't lose my temper easily.
Love doesn't assume that my children are being naughty just because their noise level
is irritating.
Love doesn't rejoice when other people's children misbehave and make mine look good.
Love is genuinely happy when others are honored by their children.
Author Unknown.
<><>
First joke was in an e mail to me. It is called "Battle Hymns."
A battle arose between the Pastor and the Choir Director of the Lutheran Church of
Grace.
The first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on "dedicating yourselves
to service." And the Choir Director chose to sing: "I shall not be moved."
Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incidence behind him.
The next Sunday he preached on "giving." Afterwards, the Choir sqirmed as the
director led them in the hymn: "Jesus Paid It All."
By this time the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday Morning Attendance swelled
as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up to hear his sermon
on "The Sins of Gossiping." Would you believe the Choir Director selected "I Love
to Tell the Story ?"
There was no turning back. The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation
that unless something changed, he was considering resignation. The entire church
gasped when the Choir Director led them in "Why Not Tonight?"
Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later, explaining
that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away. The Choir Director
could not resist.. "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."
<><>
The next two jokes came from my dear friend Linda. Thank you Linda.
Happy Gardening.
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time.
Later they go to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her
door he says "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful. you remind me of
a rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?"
She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on the door and when she opens it she slaps him hard
across the face.
He is stunned, "What was that for?"
She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopedia last night. and it said :
"Not well suited to bedding, but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall."
<><>
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt
was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little, thinking this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She
tried totake the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt
a littlr more, and for the second time attempted the step/
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to
the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to
take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by
the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you
touch my body? I don't even know who you are."
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but
after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
<><>
Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. The baby unfortunately was born with no ears.
When they came home from hospital, Johnnie's family were invited over to see the
Baby.
Before they left the house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and told him that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him if he so much as mentioned anything about the
baby's missing ears or even said the word 'ears', he would get the smacking of his life
when they got home.
Little Johnnie told his dad that he completely understood.
When Johnnie looked in the crib, he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you , Little Johnny."
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands. A cute little nose
and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes," the mother replied, "we are so thankful, the doctor said he willl have 20/20
vision."
"That's great," said little Johnne, "because he'd be screwed if he needed glasses."
<><>
A man said: Why are Married women heavier than SINGLE women?
A woman said : Single women come home sees what's in the fridge, and goes to bed. Married women come home see what's in bed, and go to the fridge.
<><>
A man and woman were having problems at home and were each giving the other the
silent treatment. Suddenly the man realised that the next day, he would need his wife
to wake him up at 5 am for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first who broke the silence (and LOSE) he wrote on a piece of
paper, "Please wake me at 5 am." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up only to discover it was 9 am and he had missed
his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him, when
he noticed a piece og paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5 am. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
<><>
Well that is it folks. Have to get off to bed as John is buying me breakfast tomorrow
and then Geoff and Jo are arriving for lunch. Take great care my friends and whatever
you do, do it well. My love and best wishes to you all. I will talk to you all soon, after
my visitors leave. Cheers, Merle. And I really am OK.
Post 596 ~ ~ ~ Saturday, 9th April, 2009.
<><><>
Hello Everyone ~ ~A Very Happy Mother's Day for tomorrow for all those who celebrate
it then. That is the second Sunday in May each year here. Both my sons are calling in tomorrow and I guess the girls will telephone or e mail me.
Thank you all who showed concern for me, but I am fine and the fall was gentle and elegant and it was the getting up that was so hard and caused muscles to ache that I
didn't know I had. However all is well now and I am not having many pain-killers at all, thankfully. First thing in the morning is my worst time, until I get moving around.
I do hope the firemen can control those awful fires in California, very soon, My thoughts
and prayers are with those who lost their homes and belongings.
Tonight I have a nice story called "! Corinthians For Mothers." Hope you enjoy.
If I keep my house immaculately clean, and am envied by all for my interior decorating,
but do not show love in my family -- I am just another housewife.
If I'm always producing lovely things - sewing, art; if I always look attractive, and
speak intelligently, but am not loving to my family -- I am nothing.
If I am busy in community affairs, teach Sunday School and drive in the car-pool,
but fail to give adequate love to my family -- I gain nothing.
Love changes diapers, cleans up messes, and ties shoes -- over and over again.
Love is kind, though tired and frazzled.
Love doesn't envy another woman -- one whose children are 'spaced' better, or in
school so she has time to pursue her own interests.
Love doesn't try to impress others with my abilities or knowledge as a mother.
Love doesn't scream at the kids.
Love doesn't feel cheated because because I didn't get to do what I wanted to do
today -- sew, read, soak in a hot tub.
Love doesn't lose my temper easily.
Love doesn't assume that my children are being naughty just because their noise level
is irritating.
Love doesn't rejoice when other people's children misbehave and make mine look good.
Love is genuinely happy when others are honored by their children.
Author Unknown.
<><>
First joke was in an e mail to me. It is called "Battle Hymns."
A battle arose between the Pastor and the Choir Director of the Lutheran Church of
Grace.
The first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on "dedicating yourselves
to service." And the Choir Director chose to sing: "I shall not be moved."
Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incidence behind him.
The next Sunday he preached on "giving." Afterwards, the Choir sqirmed as the
director led them in the hymn: "Jesus Paid It All."
By this time the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday Morning Attendance swelled
as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up to hear his sermon
on "The Sins of Gossiping." Would you believe the Choir Director selected "I Love
to Tell the Story ?"
There was no turning back. The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation
that unless something changed, he was considering resignation. The entire church
gasped when the Choir Director led them in "Why Not Tonight?"
Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later, explaining
that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away. The Choir Director
could not resist.. "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."
<><>
The next two jokes came from my dear friend Linda. Thank you Linda.
Happy Gardening.
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time.
Later they go to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her
door he says "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful. you remind me of
a rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?"
She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on the door and when she opens it she slaps him hard
across the face.
He is stunned, "What was that for?"
She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopedia last night. and it said :
"Not well suited to bedding, but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall."
<><>
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt
was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little, thinking this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She
tried totake the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt
a littlr more, and for the second time attempted the step/
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to
the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to
take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by
the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you
touch my body? I don't even know who you are."
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but
after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
<><>
Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. The baby unfortunately was born with no ears.
When they came home from hospital, Johnnie's family were invited over to see the
Baby.
Before they left the house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and told him that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him if he so much as mentioned anything about the
baby's missing ears or even said the word 'ears', he would get the smacking of his life
when they got home.
Little Johnnie told his dad that he completely understood.
When Johnnie looked in the crib, he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you , Little Johnny."
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands. A cute little nose
and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes," the mother replied, "we are so thankful, the doctor said he willl have 20/20
vision."
"That's great," said little Johnne, "because he'd be screwed if he needed glasses."
<><>
A man said: Why are Married women heavier than SINGLE women?
A woman said : Single women come home sees what's in the fridge, and goes to bed. Married women come home see what's in bed, and go to the fridge.
<><>
A man and woman were having problems at home and were each giving the other the
silent treatment. Suddenly the man realised that the next day, he would need his wife
to wake him up at 5 am for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first who broke the silence (and LOSE) he wrote on a piece of
paper, "Please wake me at 5 am." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up only to discover it was 9 am and he had missed
his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him, when
he noticed a piece og paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5 am. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
<><>
Well that is it folks. Have to get off to bed as John is buying me breakfast tomorrow
and then Geoff and Jo are arriving for lunch. Take great care my friends and whatever
you do, do it well. My love and best wishes to you all. I will talk to you all soon, after
my visitors leave. Cheers, Merle. And I really am OK.
Post 596 ~ ~ ~ Saturday, 9th April, 2009.
<><><>
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