Monday, January 01, 2007

Enough Happiness.

Post 102 - - - - - Monday, 1 January 2007.

Hello my friends ~~ I hope you are all doing well and not feeling the effects of over-indulgence. I am fine, and the new calendars are up !! I watched the fireworks on the TV from Melbourne and Sydney, swapping back and forth. Read lots of blogs and went to bed very late. Today, I have made up lots of dinners, so no cooking for a few days, which is great. Sydney’s fireworks were the better of the two.

Yesterday, while looking up New Year’s Eve poems, I found 2 more small ones that I I enjoyed and hope that you do also. Happy New Year to you all !!

Enough Happiness to keep you happy.

During the year may you have Enough happiness to keep you sweet. Enough trials to keep you strong. Enough sorrow to keep you human. Enough hope to keep you happy. Enough failure to keep you humble. Enough success to keep you eager. Enough friends to give you comfort. Enough wealth to meet your needs. Enough enthusiasm to make you look forward to tomorrow. Enough determination to make each day better than the day before.

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May God make your year a happy one !!

Not by shielding you from all sorrows and pain, But by strengthening you to bear it, as it comes;

Not by making your path easy, But by making you sturdy to travel any path;

Not by taking hardships from you, But by taking fear from your heart;

Not by granting you unbroken sunshine, But by keeping your face bright, even in the shadows;

Not by always making your life pleasant, But by showing you when people and their causes need you most, and by making you anxious to be there to help.

God’s love, peace, hope and joy to you for the year ahead.

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The next set of jokes were sent to me by our friend Tammy and is called “Oldie’s Sex” Thank you Tammy, Happy New Year to you.

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"


LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time

we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"



Quiet Sex


Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent

lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"


She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX


A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his

insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the

cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife

before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor

came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."


Wedding Anniversary Sex.

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.

He couldn't get back in.

ELDERLY SEX

One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in

bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their

20th floor assisted living apartment . Killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say

in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex ..

He could fly."

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Mike is Dead.

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, “Did you hear the news – Mike is dead ??”

“Woah, what the hell happened to him?”

“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom –He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof. Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”

“What a horrible way to die !!”

“No no, he survived that. That didn’t kill him at all. So he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”

“What a way to go, that’s terrible !!”

“No no that didn’t kill him, he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out on to the landing. He ties to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”

“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go !!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him, he survived that. So, he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached a big pot of boiling water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off.”

“Man, what a way to go !!”

“No no, he survived that, he survived that. He’s lying on the ground, covered in boling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”

“Now, that is one awful way to go !!”

“No no, he survived that . . . . ”

“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die ?”

“I shot him !!”

“You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for ?”

“He was wrecking my house !!”

A long one, but I thought it was funny. But not for poor Mike !!

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Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

“What’s in the bag?” asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said : “ It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said : “Good trade !!”

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A few quotes - - -

The old law about “an eye for an eye” leaves everybody blind. - - - Martin Luther King Jr.

No matter what you do, do your best at it. If you’re going to be a bum, be the best bum there is. - - - Robert Mitchum.

Life is short; live it up. - - - Nikita Khrushchev.

It’s either easy or impossible. - - - Salvador Dali.

Experience is not what happens to a man, it’s what a man does with what happens to him. - - - Aldous Huxley.

Life is a great bundle of little things. - - - Oliver Wendell Holmes.

Humor is the shortest distance between two people. - - - Victor Borge.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches. - - - Alice Roosevelt Longworth.

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. - - - Alexander Pope.

A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure. - - John Peer.

Bye for now folks, Enjoy what is left of the holiday. Take care, Cheers, Merle.

Post 102 - - - - - Monday, 1 st January, 2007.

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12 comments:

Margaret said...

Dear Merle, great read and terrific jokes. May we all recieve enough happiness to keep us happy etc.Thanks for your visit and kind words.
Love Margaret

Judy said...

Hi, Merle. I hope you have a great day today (I guess your day is almost over now... ours is just getting started!) Thanks for the jokes. I like to share them with my husband. He always gets a kick out of them!

Pamela said...

Merle, loved the jokes today...poor Mike. I almost couldn't bare to read the rest. lol Loved the sex joke, some of them quite ruthless! hehe! It is amazing to discover the author's name of some of the quotes! Have a wonderful time enjoying the first day of the new year 2007!

bornfool said...

Happy New Year, Merle. Thanks for the jokes. Laughter is a great way to start out the year.

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Great post to begin 2007, Merle! Thank you! I really needed some laughter today.

LZ Blogger said...

Merle ~ I left partying behind me long ago. But it is always fun to celebrate the new year. HAPPY NEW YEAR! ~ jb///

Lee said...

Thanks for the jokes, Merle...:)
I spent New's Day doing very little...caught up with Sunday's paper which I'd not had time to read and just recovering from a long day and long night! ;)

Have a great 2007. :)

Janice said...

Hi Merle,

Poor Mike! But your right it was funny.

Happy New years and I hope it is a great year for you and your family.

Janice~

PEA said...

Happy New Year to you and yours, dear Merle! I'm so glad our paths crossed in this big wide world of blogging and I so look forward to future posts and comments:-)You are a true joy to know and I always look forward to your posts! Much love xoxo

Tammy said...

I'm right there with ya on hanging the calendars...I had three new ones that I was itching to put up...glad you liked the jokes...
May you have a wonderful year!!
:-D

Lucy Stern said...

Merle, I liked your two new years poems best. We all need to remember that life is going to happen to us and we need to be strog to with stand it.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Hi there, Merle.

Great post to start off 2007. Poor Mike, lol. As for the sex jokes - hilarious! I can just imagine some of them, especially the last one!

Looking forward to lots more jokes, poems and sayings from you in 2007, Merle.

Hugs