Sunday, February 18, 2007

The $20 Bill.

Post 144 - - - - - Sunday, 18 th February, 2007.

Hi folks ~~ I hope you are enjoying the weekend and not too cold where you are.
We are too hot here in Victoria, my friend Jeanette said it was 40 C (104 F) where she lives, about 1 and 1/2 hours from me. We were not much below that temperature. So just surviving was the order of the day. I did manage to water the new things that were planted yesterday, and also did a small wash. I got that in from the line quicksmart to get back inside.

The first item tonight is a good one, sent to me by my friend Raggedy
so I hope you enjoy it. Many thanks, Raggedy. It is called "The $20 Bill."

A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill ?"

Hands started going up.

"Well," he replied, "What if I do this ?" He dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.

"Now, who still wants it ?"

Still the hands went up in the air.
My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it, because it didn't decrease in value.
It was still worth $20.

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the
decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.
We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will
happen, you will never lose your value Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased,
you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.

The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or what we know, but by
WHO WE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE.

You are special -- Don't EVER forget it !!!
Count your blessings, not your problems and remember amateurs built the Ark,
and professionas built the Titanic.

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First joke tonight is here from my friend Linda. Thank you Linda.
If My Body Were a Car . . . .

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a
newer model I've got bumps and dents and scrathes in my finish and my paint job
is getting a little dull . . . . but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump
into things even in the best of weather,

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate runs inefficiently, But here's the worst of it - - -

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter . . . . either my radiator leaks or
my exhaust backfires !!
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This is Heaven.

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash.
They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to her interest in health
food and exercise.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which
was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to
cost. "It's free," Peter relied, "This is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course in the backyard.
They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would
change to a new one, representing the great golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked, "What are the greens fees ?"
Peter's reply, "This is Heaven -- you play for free."

Next they went to the club-house and saw the lavish buffet lunch laid out.
"How much to eat ?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet ? This is Heaven, it's FREE !" Peter replied with some
exasperation.

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables ?" the man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part - - yu can eat as much as you like of whatever
you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.

Peter and the man's wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for you blasted bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago !!"
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Memories.

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said, "Today, church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help
me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind." The pastor shouted, "Cross
"

Immediately, he congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."
The pastor hollered out "Grace."
The congregation began to sing, "Amazing Grace, how sweetthe sound."

The pastor said, "Power." The congregation sang, "There is Power in the Blood."
The pastor said "Sex."

The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously
began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.

Suddenly, from the back of the church, a frail little 87 year old grandmother stood
up and ina tiny quavering voice, began to sing, "Precious Memories."
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Wise Advice from Children.

Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals. -- Donna. age 9.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you. Rob age 8.

If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it. Steven 8.

Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God's Bill of Wrongs.Sue 7

Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick sense. Beau 10.

My dog had worms. I think he was going fishing. - - - Emma, age 4.
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An Irishman trying to learn golf and having a terrible time of it. "I'd give just about
anything to get this right !" he says aloud.

Straight away te Devil appears and says, "Anything ?"

"Well, short of selling my soul, yes."

"How about giving up sex for the rest of your life ?"

"Done !!" He finishes the game in rare good form and rumor of his deal spreads thru
the clubhouse. One of the members, a reporter, sees a story here and asks him, "Sir,
is it true you made a deal with the Devil to become a great golfer ?"

"True, enough." "And you are giving up sex as your part of the bargain ?"
"True, again !!" " And may I have your name sir ?"

Certainly, Father Mike O'Ryan."
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The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without comment. - - - Theodore H. White.

If you reveal your secrets to the wind, you should not blame the wind for revealing
them to the trees. - - - Kahlil Gibran.

An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame. - Sam Ewing.

Bye for now, my friends. Too tired to do more tonight. Take care and I hope the
week ahead is a great one for you. Cheers, Merle.

Post 144 - - - - - - Sunday, 18 th February, 2007.
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9 comments:

audrey` said...

Dearest Merle

HaHaHa!
It's my turn to be locked out from my own site now.
Blogger is getting cranky sometimes nowadays.
Just need to be more patient and try again another time.

Til then, take care my friend.
(((HUGS))) and much love.

Raggedy said...

G'day Merle,
It was good to hear about your nice visit and getting your garden all squared away.
I read post 143 and 144 today. They were both wonderful. I laughed at quicksmart. I just loved that word. Thank you for the link.
I hope that the weather cools off for you soon.
Cheers! Stay cool!
Hugs dear friend.
Love, Raggedy

JunieRose2005 said...

Hi Merle,

So sorry you're having such hot weather there! Try to keep cool.

I enjoyed all the jokes as I always do! And I especially liked the first thing---'The $20.00 Bill'

June

PEA said...

Oh Merle, LOL, I'm still giggling over the little old lady starting to sing "Precious Memories" after the pastor yelled out "sex"!!! hehe Love it! The story of the $20 bill is also precious and one to always remember. Enjoyed all the other jokes and quotes also:-)

I do hope it cools down a bit for you soon...it was another frigid day here today but this coming week we'll be near the 0C mark so that will be much better than the -22C we've had the last few days!

Take good care of yourself dear Merle! Hugs xoxo

Lee said...

You sure are copping the heat down your way, Merle. Fortunately, up here where I am, we've been having a great summer...it's not been overly hot at all, except for maybe a couple of days only...a week at the most throughout all of summer. I love it this way...not fond of those over-bearingly hot days.

Stay cool. :)

Jeanette said...

Hi Merle,hope your staying indoors today out of the heat, and your air con on.Had a good laugh today "SEX" "precious memories",
Heaven is free.The blasted bran muffins.Take care (((HUGS))),Janxxx

Puss-in-Boots said...

I can relate to "If My Body Was a Car"! Tyres around my waist instead of on the wheel, my carseat is spreading and sometimes my motor coughs and splutters!

However invented old age should be drowned!

DellaB said...

Hi Merle, we have started having the slightly chilly mornings we get up here when summer is starting to fade - a reminder that this beautiful heat wont last -

I know about the worry of waiting for a motorcyclist to 'get home safely' - I hated it.

All your jokes and stories are so funny Merle, I can never remember which ones to tell you I liked and laughed the most at - just take my word for it, all are so funny.. thankyou

Connie said...

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without comment. - - - Theodore H. White.

The above is a priceless test of one's character. Love it!

Take care,
Connie