Monday, November 26, 2007

Dogs in Heaven,

Post 372 ~ ~ ~ Tuesday, 27th November, 2007.

Hello Everyone ~~ I hope you are all enjoying a great week.
I have been taken shopping this morning, so the cupboards
and fridge and even the freezer are all stocked up again.

These fortnights go by so quickly and there are only two more
shopping trips before Christmas. At this stage, each year, I
have a slight panic ~~ will I ever be read?, do I have enough
goodies and are they the right ones? I guess quite a few of you
have the same worries, but I always seem to get there and all
goes well. And a good time is had by us all !!!

We had a little side trip this morning, as I had a notice about
jury selection, which I did not want to do. So we called at the
court house and I signed a statuary declaration that I was not
able to do it at this stage of my life.

I have a nice story about a man and his dog. I do not remember
who sent this, sorry about that. I may have found it myself.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying

the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been

dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the

road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken

by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that

looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like

pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he

saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and

continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a

dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been

closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree

and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an

old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself,

then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man

who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road

said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope.

That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave

their best friends behind."


Now to find some jokes for you ~ ~ ~

"Doc," said Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asked the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I
want it done," replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor.
"It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no
going back. It will change your life forever."
"I'm aware of all that and you're not going to change my mind_
either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another
"Well, OK." says the doctor, "but it's against my better judgment."

So Steve had his operation, and the next day he is up and walking
very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand.
Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the
same way.

"Hi there," says Steve. "It looks as though you just had the same
as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I
would like to be circumsised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Damn, THAT'S the word!!

Two groups charter a double decker bus for a weekend trip to the Gold
Coast. One group ia all brunette and the other group all blonde.

Once on the bus, the blondes head upstairs and the brunettes hang out
on the bottom level.

The brunette group has a ball. They're whooping it up and having a great
time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from upstairs.
She decides to go and check on them.

When she gets up to the top deck, she finds all of the blondes frozen in
fear, staring straight ahead. each clutching the seat in front of them.

"Whoa, whoa ~ ~ what's going on up here? We're having a GREAT
time downstairs."

One of the blondes replies through chattering frightened teeth,
"Yeah, but you guys have a driver !!"
My father used to drive double decker buses in Melbourne, many,
many years ago, during the latter years of World War 2.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight
around looking for valuables. when he picked up a CD player to
place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the
dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and
clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out he shone the light around frantically looking for the source
of the voice. Finally in the corner of the room his flashlight came to rest
on a parrot.

"Did you say that ?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed, "Warn me huh? Who are you?"
"Moses, replied the parrot.

"Moses !" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people
would name a parrot Moses?"

The parrot says, "The same kind of stupid people that would
name a Rottweiler Jesus."

Children's science exam results ~ ~ ~

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made
safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes the water safe to drink because it removes
large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed ?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour ?
A. Keep it in the cow.

Q. What are steroids ?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on stairs.

Q. What happens to your body when you age ?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels andyou get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty ?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. What is the fibula ?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does varicose mean ?
A. Nearby.

Q. What does the word benign mean ?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

My friend Connie aka Meow sent me the next one.
Ten Peeves that Dogs Have about Humans. Thanks Connie.

1. Blaming your farts on me . . . not funny . .not funny at all.

2. Yelling at me for barking.

3. Taking me for a walk, the not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this, anyway.

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it !!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you are not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog !!
Whoooo Hoooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when
I freak out every time we go back.

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I
haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello ???
Haven't you noticed the fur ?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we
both know the truth. You're just jealous.

A few quotes to finish with ~ ~ ~

I disapprove of what you say, but will defend to the death
your right to say it. ~ ~ ~ Voltaire.

When all else is lost, the future still remains.\~
~ ~ ~ Christian Nestell Bovee.

I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.
~ ~ ~ Albert Einstein.

Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking
less than you need. ~ ~ ~ Kahill Gibran.

I don't want to be a genius ~~ I have enough problems just
trying to be a man. ~ ~ ~ Albert Camus.

Well that is all for this post my friends. Enjoy your lives,
and take great care. Do something nice for someone.
Love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 372 ~ ~ ~ Tuesday, 27th November, 2007.


Jeanette said...

Hi Dear Merle loved the story Heaven, a man and his dog...
The dizzy blonde's
without a driver lol...and great Quotes..
Take care keep cool.... Jen...

Renie Burghardt said...

Dear Merle,

I still have to do a lot of Christmas shopping! So I am panicking for sure!

What a nice story about the man and his dog.

Then the ten peeves of dogs is funny! Well, all the jokes were funny, as usual. And loved the quotes!

Visiting you, dear Merle, is always a treat.

Have a wonderful Wednesday!

Warmest regards,


Lady Di Tn said...

Still trying to catch up. Maybe I will by next year haha.
Is it not funny that both of us had a summons for jury duty and we both got out of it. Mine was LUCK.
We are gonna have a dog Xmas. Molly is coming from California and Cricket will be coming from Mississippi. Maggie is looking forward to the visit but Sam Cat is looking for more places to hid.
Your post was very appropriate.
Peace my friend.

Patty said...

Dear Merle,
Love the dog story, and I agree, I would want Heaven to be the place with no fences, or gates and welcomes all pets and animals.
Love the joke about Steve, his doctor and the wrong surgery. Take care. Stay cool.

LZ Blogger said...

Merle ~ It wasn't Einstein's Theory of relativity that made everyone think of him as a GENIUS, it was statements like… "I never think of the future. It comes soon enough." ~ Albert Einstein.

I hope all is well? ~ jb///

audrey` said...

Good Morning Merle

The story on the man and his dog is very good.
I always like visiting your blog.

Please have a very wonderful day ahead =)
Take care, my friend.

JunieRose2005 said...


Fun as always! :) I especially liked that one about Heaven.

And- what the dogs think of us humans was very funny too.


Mountain Mama said...

Hi Merle. As usual I love your jokes. I sent the one about the double decker bus to my grandson.

I haven't started baking for Christmas. I don't do much of that anymore but if I know someone is coming I try to whip up something.

I used to bake for days, many different kinds of cookies, cakes and candy too. Gosh I think I used up all of my energy then because I sure couldn't do all that now! LOL
I hope you are having a wonderful week.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Hi Merle.

Aaah yes, just goes to show, Heaven is not all glitter and gold.

I've been really slack posting this week, but I've had some nice things happen, if you go to my post, you will see what.

Hugs xoxo

Gwen said...

Hi Merle.
Hope all is well with you,Loverly post great jokes and I may be guilty of the man and the dog in "HEAVEN".
Stay well Dear Merle.
P.S Did you get card open ?