Thursday, August 14, 2008

Can You See?

Post 495 ~ ~ Thursday, 14th August, 2008.

Hello Everyone ~~ I hope the world is treating you
nicely and the weather is how you like it. I am well,
but can't really say I like the weather at present.

It starts off very cold around zero C, 32F and gets
to around 11 or 12 C which is about 52F. Coolish.
I am not complaining though, as I have heaters and
an electric blanket and enough warm clothes.
Others are not so fortunate.

My first story was sent by my dear friend, Barbara.
It is called,"Can You See?" Thanks Barbara.

There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was
blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend.
He was always there for her. She told him, "If I could
only see the world, I would marry you."

One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the
bandages were removed, she was able to see everything,
including her boyfriend.

He asked her, "Now that you can see the world, will you
marry me? The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw
that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked
her. She hadn't expected that. The thought of looking
at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.

Her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to
her saying: "Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for
before they were yours, they were mine."


This is how the human brain often works when our status
changes. Only a very few remember what life was like
before, and who was always by their side in the most
painful situations.

Life is a Gift.

Today, before you say an unkind word -
Think of someone who cannot speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food--
Think of someone who has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife -
Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a
companion.

Today before you complain about life --
Think of someone who went too early to heaven.

Before whining about the distance you drive -
Think of someone who walks the same distance
with their feet.

And when you are tired and complain about your job -
Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those
who wish they had your job.

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down -
Put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and
still around.
<><>

My dear friend, Karen sent me the first joke, called
The 84 Year old Bride. Thanks a lot Karen.

The local news station was interviewing an 84 year
old lady because she had just gotten married for the
fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions
about her life and what it felt like to be marrying
again at 84, and then about her husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she said.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. Then he asked
her if she wouldn't mind telling a little about her first
three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused a few moments, needing time to reflect on
all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she
answered proudly, explaining that she first married a
banker when she was in her early twenties, then a
ringmaster in her forties, later a preacher in her sixties
and now in her eighties a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and
asked why she had married four men with such diverse
careers.

"Easy, son," she smiled, "I married one for the money . . .
one for the show . . . three to get ready . . . and
four to go.!!"
<><>

One from my friend Patty. Thank you.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:
"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you ?

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray about my
hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and places
the other hand on top of Leroy's head, lifts his eyes and
head to the Heavens and prays and prays and prays.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands,
stands back and asks : "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says : "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't on until
next Wednesday."
<><>

Robyn sent The Year's Best Headlines. Thanks Robyn.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert says.
(No, really?)

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers.
(Now that's taking things a bit far.)

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
(What a guy !)

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
(No -good-for-nothing lazy so and so)

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
(See if that works any better than a fair trial)

War Dims Hope for Peace
(I can see where it might have that effect)

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
(You think?)

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
(Who would have thought)

Enfield, (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide)
(They may be on to something)

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
(You mean there's something stronger than duct tape)

Man Struck by Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
(He probably IS the battery charge.)

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
(Weren't they fat enough?)

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
(That's what he gets for eating those beans)

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
(Taste like chicken?)

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
(Boy are they tall?)

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.
<><>

There was a blonde who lived in a small house on the
corner of 4th Avenue.
She had a small shed in her back yard where she kept
garden tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke
coming out of the roof of the shed.

In a panic, she rang 911. They answered and said,
"This is Joe, is there an emergency?"

The blonde replied, "Yes my shed is on fire!!!"
Joe said, "Don't panic, help is on the way.. . . Where
do you live?"

The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE"
Joe calmly asked, "How are we supposed to get there?
The blonde answered back,
" DUH !! A BIG RED TRUCK."
<><>

My son Geoff found this one, Thanks Geoff.

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar
by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders
some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very
deep husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before
you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it's only fair, given
that you are blind, there are 5 things you should know:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black
belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a
professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional
wrestler..

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want
to tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head,
and mutters, "No . . .Not if I'm gonna have to explain it
five times."
<><>

Amazing Insults (from the Newspaper)

He is so fat, he has the only car in town with stretch marks.

What color is the sky in your world?

You're so ugly, your husband takes you with him every-
where he goes, so he doesn't have to kiss you goodbye.
<><>
Do You Ever Wonder ?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor
when you can't drink and drive?

Why are there interstate roads in Hawaii?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when
smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why
are there locks on the doors?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used
on planes, why can't they makes the whole plane out of
the same substance?

If nothing sticks to TEFLON (R), how do they make
the TEFLON (R) stick to the pan?
<><>

A rear gunner was being court-martialled, "What did
you hear in your headset?" demanded a superior
officer.

"Well, " replied the airman, "I heard my squadron
leader shout, "Enemy planes at 5 o'clock."

"What action did you take?" persisted another officer.

"Why, sir," replied the gunner, "I just sat back and
waited. It was only 4:30."
<><>

Young woman to boyfriend:
"Otto, you'd rather watch soccer than be with me?"

"Yes,? he said, apologetically, "But I'd take you any day
over the long jump, swimming and the equestrian contest."
<><>

Well, my friends, time to say Bye for now, See you next
time. Be kind to each other, and share some siles.
Love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 495 ~ ~ Thursday, 14th August, 2008.
<><><>


16 comments:

Old Lady Lincoln said...

Once again some funnies. I liked the old cowboy joke a lot.

Well I broke down and called my family doctor can't take these allergies any longer, need something stronger/better than what I am using now. I get so tired of a sniffling, running nose, watery eyes, coughing attacks, when they finally stop, my nose stays all stuffy.

Hopefully he'll give me a shot. I use to take three shots a week, one for all the different weeds and grasses, one for all the pollen from trees and etc and one for all the dust and molds. In other words I was miserable year around, but the shots did help. After about 12 years we thought I could stop them. Doctor said when they act up the wrose he can give me something, well I'm there. LOL. Have a good night.

Gramma Ann said...

Hi Merle,

Another day and you brought a chuckle into my life again. I liked the "Headlines of the Year." And the "Did You Ever Wonder?" jokes. I wonder who sets and thinks these things up? Surely not me, my mind is a little slow for that...

Enjoy your Friday and the week-end.

Ann

Susie said...

Hi Merle,
Summer is racing by and my visiting time has been limited. I always enjoy your posts. I especially laughed at the 84 yr old bride. It sure sounds chilly there, but as you say, you can be comfortable with warm clothes, heat, etc. So many aren't so fortunate.
Take care my friend..
love and ((hugs))

Steven said...

Post is excellent jokes are great - only interested in who is remembered that, I want you all the best! Steven

Mountain Mama said...

I love the one about the preacher praying for the man's 'hearing' problem. LOL

We are having the usual hot temps for august. It's 80 in the house. I suppose that would be a coolish summer temp for you.
I do not adjust well to hot or cold temps. Something about my thyroid problem. I'm glad I have fan's for the summer heat and heat and warm clothes for winter. As you say, many are not so fortunate.
Hope you have had a wonderful week and have a great week end Merle.
Hugs

mreddie said...

Your weather should start warming shortly and ours cooling. I'm ready for some cooler temps, easier to work in - we have had a cold snap and it was down to 90F during the day. :) ec

audrey` said...

Dearest Merle

Upon reading "Can You See" I exclaimed "Aiyo!!!"

Then I laughed after reading "The 84 year old Bride".

Your blog is always filled with so many interesting posts =)

Well done, Merle.
(((HUGS)))

Jeanette said...

Hi Dear Merle. BBBBRRRR it is cold.My heater is on non stop also and ive just been up to the bedroom to put the electic blanket onso ill have a nice warm bed to get into..
Great post once again and I had quite a giggle at them I cant choose between preacher praying for the man's 'hearingor the 84 year old Bride....
Take care Merle see you next week..Love Janxxxxx

Dave said...

Loved the Blonde joke Merle! *LOL*

Have a wonderful weekend and I hope you stay warm!

Diane said...

These were the funniest...LOL. Thanks for the ha-ha. Have a great weekend!

Hugs,
Diane

linda may said...

G'Day Merle,
Mike just put my award on for me, so after all this time it should be there for all to see.
Thank You.
Luv Ya!
Now I will go and do the write up. In my own lazy fashion anyway.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Hi Merle. Love the jokes as usual. Do you know, we had -3 the other night. Now that is very chilly for Queensland. We have the westerlies blowing us inside out during the day and they are cold...the wind chill factor is...chilly.

We (me, Jane and another friend) are going to the markets tomorrow...at 5.15 am. Yes, I know, we're totally insane.

Have a good weekend. Hugs.

Lady Di Tn said...

Merle
I have finally caught up with all the blogs I read but until this morning yours was still hiding. So I have read several days at once and my face hurts from all the laugther. This reminds me of the time I went to see Red Skelton and I was sore all over from laughing at him and the comedians of today could learn from him. Not one foul word or off color joke.
I am so happy you got good news from the x ray. Keep warm. Peace and Love

Renie Burghardt said...

Dear Merle,

I hope it has warmed up a bit for you, by now. Our weather has been perfectly beautiful, thank the Good Lord.

Oh my, Can You See, is so very touching! And Life is a Gift is great advice. The 84 year old bride was funny! Haha. She knew what she was doing. And the headlines are hilarious, as was the blind cowboy. Hahaha.

All the jokes were funny as always, dear Merle. I hope you're having a lovely Sunday, and all is well in your world. It is Saturday evening here, and I'm ready for bed. Good night, my friend.

Love,

Renie

PS. Sorry I'm always late and have some catching up to do, dear Merle.

audrey` said...

Dearest Merle

You're right. The boyfriend should have given her one eye only in "Can You See". Perhaps none at all if he knew her true colours.

"Aiyo" is an expression for a huge negative sigh in my region =)

Have a blessed Sunday, my dearest friend.
(((HUGS)))

Rosezilla said...

Hi, Merle, these were all really funny. Loved the blind cowboy one. Thanks for a day-brightener. Esp. since we are preparing for Tropical Storm Fay which is supposed to become a hurricane and come right at us. Oh, joy!Sorry about your cold weather, we're contending with too much heat instead. Always something, I guess, but mostly it's all good.