Thursday, October 23, 2008

Speeding Driver.

Post 524 ~ ~ ~ Thursday, 23rd October, 2008.

Hello My Friends ~~ I hope your lives are going well and everything is good at your place.
All is well with me and I am expecting my son Geoff and DIL Joanne tomorrow night, so that will be very nice. Jo had a birthday last week, so I have some gifts for her.

Speaking of birthdays, Diane J has her special day today, on the 23rd. I hope you are having a great day Diane over at Diane's Place.

My daughter Kathryn has hers tomorrow, so I hope she has a great day also. I will ring her some-time tomorrow. We have a warm weekend coming up, so I have to do some watering in the garden every few days. My other son John rang me from Perth yesterday
and that is way way over the other side of Australia. He and a mate are leaving for home
in the morning. Both on motor bikes and will take them quite a few days to get here.

My story tonight is about a Speeding Driver and was sent to me by my good friend Gwen
Thank you Gwen for this one and others. Are you working on a new post??

Jack took a long look at his speedometer before slowing down : 73 in a 55 zone. Fourth time in as many months. How could a guy get caught so often?

When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour, Jack pulled over, but only partially. Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard. Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror. The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand.

Bob? Bob from Church? Jack sank further into his trench coat. This was worse than the coming ticket. A cop catching a guy from his own church. A guy who happened to be a little eager to get home after a long day at the office. A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow.
Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every Sunday, a man he had never seen in uniform. "Hi Bob. Fancy meeting you like this."
"hello Jack." No smile." "Guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see my wife and kids." "Yeah, I guess." Bob seemed uncertain. Good.

"I've seen some long days at the office lately. I'm afraid I bent the rules a bit--just this once." Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement. "Diane said something about roast beef and potatoes tonight. Know what I mean?"

"I know what you mean. I also know that you have a reputation in our precinct.
Ouch. This was not going in the right direction. Time to change tactics.

"What'd you clock me at?"
"Seventy. Would you sit back in your car please?" "Now wait a minute here, Bob. I checked as soon as I saw you. I was barely nudging 65." The lie seemed to come easier with every ticket.

"Please Jack, in the car." Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still open door.
Slamming it shut, he stared at the dashboard. He was in no rush to open the window.

The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled on the pad. Why hadn't he asked for my license?
Whatever the reason, it would be a month of Sundays before Jack ever sat near this cop again.

A tap on the door jerked his head to te left. There was Bob, a folded paper in hand.
Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches, just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip. "Thanks," Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his voice.

Bob returned to his police car without a word. Jack watched him retreat in the mirror. Jack unfolded the sheet of paper. How much was this one going to cost?
Wait a minute. What was this? Some kind of joke? Certainly not a ticket, Jack began to read:
Dear Jack. Once upon a time I had a daughter. She was six when killed by a car.
You guessed it, - a speeding driver. A fine and three months in jail, and the man was free. Free to hug his daughters, all three of them. I only had one, and I'm going to have to wait until Heaven before I can ever hug her again.

A thousand times I've tried to forgive that man. A thousand times I thought I had.
Maybe I did, but I need to do it again. Even now. Pray for me, and be careful Jack, my son is all I have left. "Bob."

Jack turned around in time to see Bob's car pull away and head down the road. Jack watched until it disappeared. A full 15 minutes later, he too, pulled away and drove slowly home, praying for forgiveness and hugging a surprised wife and kids when he arrived.

Life is precious. Handle with care. This is an important message, pass it on to friends.
Drive safely and carefully. Remember, cars are not the only things recalled by their maker.

A really huge muscular with a bad stutter goes to a counter in the department store and asks : "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself. "W-w-w-where's the m-m-men's dep-p-p=partment?"
Again the clerk does not answer him. The guy asks several more times, "W-w-wwhere's the m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" The clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally the guy storms off angrily.

The customer who was waiting in line behind him asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's questions?"
The clerk answers . . . "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-beaten up?"

Unusual Fish Story ~ ~ Courtesy of Lady Di. Thank you, my friend.

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled into my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 20 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in it?"
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing.

One from Sue and Bob ~~ Thanks for this one.

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child
said, bursting into tears."Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the "There's no Easter bunny" speech. At seven,
I got the "There's no Tooth Fairy" speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the "There's no Santa" speech.

If you are going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live
for." <><>

12 Things NOT to say to a Cop !! "borrowed" from my friend, Dave's blog.

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry Officer. I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must have been doing at least 125 to keep up with me.

5. Are you Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop?

7. You're not going to check the trunk are you?

8. I pay your salary !!

9. Gee officer, that's terrific! The last cop only gave me a warning too.

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? I hope so, because one of us should.

11. I was trying to keep up with the traffic. I realize there's no other cars around now, see how far behind I was.

12. If the officer says, Your eyes are red, have you been drinking?" You probably should not say, "Your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?"

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read : "Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man," "How about that? he exclaimed, "They have got three people buried in one grave."

A mother whose, daughter was always asking for lifts to the local shops in the family car finally admonished her daughter. "What do you think God gave us two legs for?"

"One for the brake," the daughter replied, "and one for the accelerator.

In a darkened theatre where a suspenseful mystery was being staged, a member of the audience suddenly stood up and cried, "Where's the murderer?"

A threatening voice behind her replied, "Right behind you, if you don't sit down."

Enough for tonight. Enjoy the coming weekend my friends. Love and Best Wishes to you all. Be kind to one another, Cheers, Merle.

Post 524 ~ ~ ~ Thursday, 23rd October, 2008.


Bear Naked said...

There have been times in a movie theatre that I have felt like murdering the person in front of me.
Cute joke.

Bear((( )))

Gramma Ann said...


You put a smile on my face again. You always have something that makes me chuckle.

My sister Margy had a mild stroke and went home from the hospital yesterday. I haven't talked to her since Sunday, but she sounded good over the phone. She has 5 daughters to help her, plus a daughter-in-law, who is the same as a daughter to her. And her granddaughters spend a lot of time with her, so she won't be without help for now. They all love her very much, and will take good care of her.

We are having a few rainy days, and the temperature has dipped. So it is a damp bone chilling cold day, today.

Well, Merle, enjoy your nice warm spring weather, while I prepare for winter :(


raccoonlover1963 said...

Hello Dear Merle. Sorry I haven't stopped by for a spell. Been busy trying to get the house ready to move into.
All the jokes are great. I especially like the birds and bees joke. And the tombstone. There's no way it could say lawyer and honest man and mean the same person!
Take great care and stay well.

Annie said...

You've done it again Merle. I'm falling over my desk, laughing outloud.

Have fun with your family,

Rosezilla said...

Thanks for the jokes, Merle, they were really good, esp. the ones about what not to say to a cop that pulls you over. The other one, though, about the cop named Bob, was very sobering! We sometimes need reminders that there are consequences to our actions!

Diane@Diane's Place said...

Great funnies, Merle! :o)

Thanks for helping me celebrate my birthday. It's friends like you that make this a special day.

Hope you're having a great day!

Love and big hugs,


Big Dave T said...

My mother's birthday is today. She is 76. Last year she drank too much wine on her birthday. This year she promises to be more careful.

Good stories as always. I liked the one about the fisherman.

Puss-in-Boots said...

I can relate to the guy in the movie theatre...quite often I've felt like that!

Have a lovely time with your son and daughter-in-law, Merle and I hope the weather isn't too hot for you.


Dreadnought said...

Hi Merle, It sounds like John is having a fun holiday traveling around like that on his bike. Hope the dogs are behaving. Bob.

megz_mum said...

Hi Merle, enjoy your weekend with family. Thanks for the jokes, and for the reminder regarding speeding - you can never hear those stories enough

Dave said...

Great post Merle... made me smile as always!

Feel free to borrow anything from my blog! I'm happy to see the laughs spread around! *S*

Pearl said...

Wonderful Merle,
I love the fishing story.
All the best.

Lady Di Tn said...

The speeding story is a gentle reminder that we all travel a wee bit too fast. Slow down enjoy the ride and maybe no one will get hurt.It was raining this morning and Bless Tennesseeans hearts they travel way toooo fast and there were lots of wrecks reported by the TV reporters and it was not even 6AM. Those items not to say to a policeman were hysterical. Thanks for putting a smile on our face and care in our hearts. Have a wonderful time with the family this weekend. Peace

Joy Des Jardins said...

Have a great weekend with your family Merle...Love, Joy

Rinkly Rimes said...

I wonder who makes up jokes!!! It seems to me you get hold of all the good ones!

audrey` said...

Hi Merle

"Speeding Driver" is so touching.
Take care.

Dreadnought said...

Hi Merle, that looks a good set up that John has, I wonder how the bike handles with a trailer on the back. Bob.