Thursday, October 14, 2010

The Speeding Ticket.

Post 707 ~ ~ ~ Thursday, 14th October, 2010.

Hello again my Friends ~~ I hope all is well in your part of the
world of ours and the weather is treating you all kindly. We are
having lots of rain in Australia -- certainly more than we have
had for years. So at least it is delaying summer a bit. No need
to get really hot in a hurry.

I am OK and got a good report from my doctor ~~ in fact the
diabetes and kidneys were both a little better than last time.

My daughter in Queensland sent me this lovely story ad I have
seen it before, but well worth another run. Thank you Julie.

Jack took a long look at his speedometer, before slowing down
73 in a 55 zone. Fourth time in as many months.. How could a
guy get caught so often?

When his car had slowed to 10 mph, Jack pulled over, but only
partially. Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard.
Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror.
The cop was stepping out of his car -- the big pad in hand.

Bob? Bob from Church? Jack sank further into his trench coat.
This was worse than the coming ticket. A cop catching a guy
from his own church. A guy who happened to be a little eager.
To get home after a long day at the office. A guy he was
about to play golf with tomorrow.

Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every
Sunday. A man he had never seen in a uniform.

"Hi, Bob Fancy meeting you like this."
"Hello, Jack." No smile.
"Guess you caught me red- handed. In a rush to see my family."

"yeah, I guess," Bob seemed uncertain. Good.
"I've seen some long days at the office lately. I'm afraid I
bent the rules a bit - just this once."
Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement. "Diane said something
about roast beef and potatoes tonight. Know what I mean?"

"I know what you mean. I also know that you have a reputation
in our precinct." Ouch. This was not going in the right direction.
"What did you clock me at?"
"Seventy. Would you sit back in your car please?"

Now wait a minute here, Bob. I checked as soon as I saw you.
I was barely nudging 65". The lie came easier with every ticket.
"Please, Jack, in the car."

Flustered Jack hunched himself through the still open door.
Slamming it shut, he stared at the dashboard.. He was in
no rush to open the window.

The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled on the pad....

Why hadn't he asked for a driver's license?
Whatever the reason, it would be a month of Sundays before
Jack ever sat near this cop again.

A tap on the door jerked his head to the left. There was Bob,
a folded paper in his hand.
Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches. Just enough
room for Bob to pass him the slip. "Thanks." Jack could not
quite keep the sneer out of his voice.

Bob returned to his police car without a word. Jack watched
his retreat in the mirror. Jack unfolded the sheet of paper.
How much was this going to cost? "Wait a minute, what was
this? Some kind of joke?
Certainly not a ticket. Jack began to read:

Dear Jack. Once upon a time I had a daughter. She was six
when killed by a car. You guessed it -- a speeding driver.
A fine and 3 months in jail, and the man was free.
Free to hug his daughters, all three of them.
I only had one, and I am going to have to wait until Heaven
before I can hug her again

A thousand times I have tried to forgive that man. A thousand

I thought I had. Maybe I did, but I need to do it again.
Even now. Pray for me, and be careful Jack. My son is all
I have left. Bob.

Jack turned around to see Bob's car pull away and head down
the road. Jack watched until it disappeared. A full 15 minutes
later, he too, pulled away and drove slowly home, praying for
forgiveness and hugging a surprised wife and kids when he

Life is precious, Handle with care.This is an important message.
Please pass it on to your friends.
Drive safely and carefully.
Remember cars are not the only things recalled by their maker.

May today there be peace within you. May you trust God, that
you are exactly where you are meant to be.

I believe friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when
our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."

The life you save may be your own child or grandchild.

First joke tonight was sent by my cousin Bill. It is called
"Politicians." Thank you Bill.

This is a non-partisan joke that can be enjoyed by all parties.
Not only that - it is Politically correct.

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament"
is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven
and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it
seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official
around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but have orders from higher up. What we'll
do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven.
Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I have made up my mind. I want to be in heaven."
says the MP. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St.Peter escorts him to the elevator and he
goes down, down, down to hell. The door open and he finds
himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance
is a club-house and standing in front of it are all his friends
and other politicians who had worked with him..

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.They run to greet
him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they
had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster,
caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice
guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are
having such a good time that before he realizes, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the
elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven
St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it is time to visit heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented
souls moving from cloud to cloud playing the harp and singing.
They have a good time and before he realizes it is time to go.
St. Peter returns, "Well, now you have spent a day in hell and
another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The MP reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well I would
never have said it before. I mean heaven has been delightful
but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St.Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell.

Now the doors open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage. He see all his friends,
dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black
bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his
shoulder. "I don't understand," says the MP, "Yesterday I was
here and there was a golf course and clubhouse and we ate
lobster, caviar, drank champagne ad danced and had a great
time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my
friends look miserable. What happened? coffee down.

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning.... Today, you voted.."

The next ones are from my friend in Canberra, Thanks Linda.
Larry and Doug.
Two Newfoundlanders, Larry and Doug are sitting at their
favorite bar drinking beer.

Larry turns to Doug and says, "You know, I'm tired of going
through life without an education. Tomorrow, I think I will
go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.
Doug thinks it is a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the College to meet the
Dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic
classes: Maths, English , History and Logic.

"Logic? What's that?" asks Larry.

The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed-
eater? "Yeah."
Then logically speaking, because you have weed-eater, I think
you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done yet, the dean says, Because you have a yard, I
think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house.:
"And because you have a house, I think you may logically have
a family." "Yes I do have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically
you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic
tells me you must be heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out
all that because I have a weed-eater."

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the dean's hand and
leaves to go meet Doug in the bar. He tells Doug about his
classes, how he signed up for Maths, English, History and Logic."
Coffee down.
"Logic?" Doug says, "What's that?"

Larry says, " I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed-eater?

"No." "Then you're a queer."


A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband
is at work. Her 9 year old so comes home unexpectedly, sees
them and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after
getting in to
bed, the woman's husband comes home. She
tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realizing the little
boy is in there.

After a while the little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man who obviously got a real fright, not expecting to hear
anything, let alone from a little boy. "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks,"
Boy - "My Dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy = " $250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and
the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover remembering the last time asks, "How much?"
Boy - " $750."
Man - "Sold."

A few days later his Dad says to the boy, "Grab your boots
and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for and who to?"
The boy said, "A friend of mine for $1000.."

The father says, "That's a terrible thing to do. Overcharging
your friend like that. That's 4 times what they cost when new.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your
terrible sins."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in
the confession booth and he closes the door. Coffee down.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again you little devil,
you're in my cupboard now !!!
Last one tonight -- Thanks again Linda.

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine
whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a cup and a bucket to the person to empty the bath."

"Oh, I understand," I said," A normal person would use the bucket
because it is bigger than the spoon or cup."

"No," he said, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"

Enough for this post. I hope you smiled once or twice.
Look after each other and yourselves my friends.
Love and Best Wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 707 ~ ~ ~ Thursday, 14th October, 2010.


Rob said...

Hi Merle, I'm pleased to hear the health check went okay. I was a bit worried when I saw the title of the post, I thoght you had been caught speeding!!

Big Dave T said...

I always like your jokes, even the ones I've heard before. That's the one good thing about getting older. Since your memory fades, you can enjoy the same jokes over and again.

Not sure I have a weed-eater though.

I got a good report from my doctor last time around too. Then I get a letter telling me to come in for a physical. When I call and tell them I just had one in May, they say it's a mistake. Woo-hoo! But I really wish my doctors were more careful with their record-keeping.

Dave said...

Outstanding story about the police man Merle... and great jokes! *S*

Have a wonderful weekend dear friend!

Peter said...

Hi Merle, glad to hear you are well, I need to have cataracts removed from both eyes in a few weeks... not looking forward to that.

Patty said...

Dear Merle, once again, I got a chuckle and also a tear in my eye about the speeding person, but agree with the heaven and hell and voting. That's about the way politics are everyplace. Still having my allergies. They claim after the first heavy frost, allergies clear up, we'll see. Take care and enjoy the week-end. Love, Patty

Lady Di Tn said...

Glad to hear you got a good report from your doctors. Sounds like your garden is on the move and we could use some of that nice rain you are having. The footy boots was a real hoot. Peace and I wish you enough.

Margaret Cloud said...

So glad you received a good report from the doctor. I liked the speeding story and you are right life is so precious, it only comes around once. Merle these were very funny and also good. Hope you had a nice Sunday.

Mountain Mama said...

Don't you love it when you get a good report from the doctor? I'm happy for you!!!
Funny jokes Merle.

Janice said...

Hi Merle,

I'm glad your check up was better than last time.

Ha, bath tub. I'd pull the plug too, so I guess I'm not ready to go to a home yet.


Joy Des Jardins said...

I'm so happy you had a good report at the doctor's Merle. That can really brighten your day, can't it? I'm due to go to my doctor, but I sometimes dread it. I have never loved dealing with medical things. Take care sweet friend. Love, Joy