Saturday, March 10, 2012

Ben.

Post 771~ ~ ~ Sunday 11th March, 2012.

Hello My Friends ~~ It is nice to be back with you here and I hope that
all is well at your house and that you are enjoying life and good
health. I am going OK and having less pain which is great. My
physiotherapist is going to try me on crutches next Friday- the
ones that have a band on the elbow. So I don't know how I will
go as I feel very safe with my walker, and I think the crutches will
be harder work for me. However the therapist has been right all
along with the exercises etc and checks my balance which she
says is good. I hope she is right.

The weather here is nice so it is hard to believe that some of the
flooded areas are still in danger of their levee banks collapsing.
I lived in Nathalia for 27 years and that is where the main danger
is at present. The water cannot get away so there is still great
pressure on the levee banks. The emergency workers and fire
brigade, the army, even some of the prisoners from a local jail as
well as the locals and that includes young people. The police are
stopping the sightseers as their vehicles cause waves.

First story today is a short one called "Ben" and no it is not
Michael Jackson's rat. It comes from mountainw Wings.

Ben.
"I have lived , Sir, a long time, and the longer I live, the more
convincing proofs I see of this truth:

That God governs in the affairs of men.

And if a sparrow cannot fall to the ground without His notice,
is it not probable that an empire can rise without His aid?"

The above quote is by Benjamin Franklin.

Maybe that's why"In God We Trust" is on all U.S. money.
Maybe Ben influenced that with the statement above.

Maybe Ben discovered more than electricity.

Maybe Ben looked to the heavens for more than lightning.

Maybe.
<><>
First joke was sent by my good friend in Canberra. Thank you Linda
for "The Blonde and the Cow."

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Northern Territory
cattle station owner.

One morning , on his way out to check the cows, the stock-
man says to Amy. "The insemination man is coming over to
impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the
2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall ismin the barn.
Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The stockman leaves for the outback paddocks. After a while,
the artificial insemination arrives and knocks on the door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of
cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, :This is the
one right here.

The man assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks,
"Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know, how would YOU know
that this is the right cow. to be bred?"

"That's simple," she said,"By the nail that's over it's stall" she
explains very confidently.

Laughing at her rudely, the man says, "And pray tell, what is
the nail for?"

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder

"I guess it's to hang your pants on."


It is nice to see a blonde winning once in a while.
<><>
A Mountain Wings item about 6th graders answers
to questions that I copied and pasted here as it
looked like too much typing. Some are very funny.


-- MountainWings A MountainWings Moment #3022 Wings Over The Mountains of Life ------------------------------------------------- Sixth Grade Research ===================== 1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Fransis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet is an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote." The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.

16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
<><><>

A Pearly Gates item called "Tiny Colonel."

A guy walked into a tavern and sat down on a barstool
He ordered a beer and a shot glass of whiskey. The
bartender was surprised to see him place the shot
glass into the posket of his overcoat. The man
proceeded to drink hus beer, then reached in his
pocket and removed the empty shot glass.

He ordered another beer and shot glass of whiskey
and again placed the shot glassinto his coat pocket.
Again he removed the sho glass, empty and ordered
another round.

Overcome by curiosity, the bartender asked the man
why he kept putting the shot glass into his pocket.

"Oh," he said, "that's for the Colonel."

"The Colonel? Who's the Colonel?"

The man reached into his pocket and removed a little
man, about 12 inches high, dressed in the uniform
of a British army colonel. He placed the little man
on the counter.

"Is he real?" asked the bartender.
"Sure he's real. Colonel would you mind walking up
and down the bar a little way?"

The little colonel marched briskly a few feet up the
bar, then turned around and marched back to where
the man sat. "That;s the most amazing thing I've ever
seen. Can he talk too?"

"Of course he can talk" said the man.

"Colonel, why don't you tell him about the time that
were stationed in Africa and called that witch doctor
a liar?"
<><>

Another Mountain
Wings one called "English around the
world. Here are some signs and notices written in
English that were discovered around the world.

In a Tokyo Hotel: It is forbidden to steal towels
please. If you are not a person to do such thing,
please not to read notice.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter backwards, and
only when lit up.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed
for the next day. During that time we regret that
you will be unbearable.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values
at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to
complain at the office between the hours of
9 and 11 A,M daily.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take
advantage of the chambermaid.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines
leave you nothing to hope for.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have
a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here
for best results.
<><>

My friend Gina sent me the Darwin Awards that are
bestowed on the most stupid among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at
his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach,
California, would-be robber James Elliot did some-
thing that can only inspire wonder. He peered down
the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time
it worked.

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space
for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned
with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.
Understandably, he shot her.

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in
a meat cutting machine and after shopping around, he
submitted a claim to his insurance company. The
company expecting negligence sent out one of it's men
to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and
he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

An American teenager was in hospital recovering from
serious head wounds received from an oncoming train.
Asked how he received the injuries, the lad told
police that he was simply trying to see how close
he could get his head to a moving train before he
was hit.

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20
bill on the counter and asked for change, When the
clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun
and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash
from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on
the counter. The total amount of cash he got from
the drawer.......$15.

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience
store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk
called 911 immediately and the woman was able to
give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes the police apprehended the snatcher.
They put him in the car and drove back to the store.
The thief was then taken out of the car and stand
there for a positive ID. To which he replied,
"Yes, Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole
the purse from.

A Five star stupidity award winner:
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a
motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much
more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the
scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a
motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman
said the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline
but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined
to press charges saying it was the best laugh he'd
ever had.
<><>

One from my blogging friend, Theanne in the U.S.
Thank you for "The 80 year old on Marriage."
The local news station was interviewing an 80 year
old lady, because she had just gotten married for
the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life,
what it was like getting married at 80, and then
about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answers.
"Interesting" the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him
a little about her first three husbands and what
they did for a living.

She paused for a few minutes, needing time to
reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and
she answered proudly, explaining that she had first
married a banker when she was in her 20s, then a
circus ringmaster when she was in her 40s, and a
preacher when she was in her 60s and now in her
80s a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished,
and asked her why she had married four men with
such diverse careers.

.

.

.wait for it . . . . .


>

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the
money, two for the show, three to get ready and
four to go."
<><>

Finally "A list of twenty seven lines to make you
smile. This was posted by my good friend Janice
so I guess I have borrowed it. Thanks Janice.

1, My husband and I divorced over religious
differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every
minute.
3. Some people are alive only because it is
illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously. No one gets
out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only
talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are
missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck is
the-room spinning.
12. God must love stupid people. He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again.
16. Being "over the hill" is better than being under it.
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to be,
when I Grew Up.
18. Procrastinate Now.
19. I have a Degree in Liberal Arts. Do you want fries
with that?
20. A hang-over is the wrath of Grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash
advance
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere.
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was
already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses
up three thousand times thee memory.
26. Ham and eggs.. a day's work for a chicken. a
lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background
music.
<><>

Enough for this post. I hope you got a few smiles
from it. Take good care of yourselves and each other
my friends. My love and best wishes to you all.
Cheers, Merle.

Post 771 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 11the March, 2012.
<><><>

11 comments:

jel said...

Glad your doing good.

and thanks for the grin :)

huggs

Patty said...

Dear Merle, see you are back, stronger then ever. Trying to get caught up on a few blogs, which almost seems impossible for me anymore. I've seriously been thinking about taking a break for a while. I do get on Facebook every day. Glad things seem to be working out ok for you and your back/legs. Yes the crutches sound a lot harder to work then the walker would be. Good luck with them. Love Patty

Dave said...

Glad you're feeling better Merle!! Pretty soon you'll be running a marathon! *wink*

Weather here's been incredibly warm for March! Been weird since October.

Great jokes too!

Jim said...

Merle, I am glad that things are better and better for you. I am surprised that you have crutches after the walker. They must give you some exercie of the back muscles?

Also nice was that you saved the best for the last this time again. Those twenty seven lines were the best. Short too.

Thank you for the blonde joke. This one was a surprise with its ending.
Cheers,
..

Kat said...

I laughed so much over the students' answers I almost got a stomach cramp! Lovely!Keep it up Merle!

audrey` said...

It's so good to know that you're progressing to the crutches from the walker. Please take it step by step. Do it slowly. Be careful. You're improving each day. To God be the glory! Take care, Merle (((HUGS)))

Lady Di Tn said...

LOL sometimes it is funny to let the blonde win. Another good post. Just remember you are in control of what you feel like doing. They had my MIL walk with a cane after the hip surgery but she never felt comfortable so she told the therapist she was more comfortable with her walker. So if you do not feel safe with those sticks speak up my dear friend. Peace and thanks for the laughs.

Big Dave T said...

I think I'd prefer the walker myself but your doctor knows best, I guess. We just had a big tornado rip through a community about 15 miles away from us. That was a bit scary. It's hard to imagine how people cope when suffering through nature's fury like that.

I had to forward that blonde and bull joke to my family here. That was hilarious.

Joy Des Jardins said...

Don't worry about the crutches Merle...it's just another step to making progress with your back and legs. It's always good to hear that you are feeling less and less pain. That's my goal too. Take care dear friend...have a good weekend. ~Joy xo

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Blessings, dear friend Merle! Have a grand weekend.

Beth E. said...

It sounds as if you are making good progress toward your recovery, Merle...that is definitely great news!

I'm sorry to hear about the dangerous levee situation. Please take care of yourself. Praying for you.

Love,
Beth