Saturday, May 19, 2012

The Best Story of the Year.

John and Fluff.
Post 782 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 20th May, 2012.

Hello my friends ~~ I hope this finds you well and happy with your lives. I am feeling much better than last week and am usually happy or at least content. It took me a while to upload the photo of my son John and his lovely little 10 year old Maltese Terrier, I had minded her for a week or so, and John came to take her home.
I guess it is the last time I will mind her. John is afraid she will trip me over, but Fluff is good when we are on our own. A firm word and she seems to know I am shaky. That was back in September last year.
After losing the picture three times I will leave it at the top.

Bye the way ~~ I have 6 baby lemons growing on my little tree - The first ever grown by myself.
I go around the back and visit them and am very pleased about them. Only as big as a pea, yet.

Now for some jokes and I will start with the title one from my friend Linda in Canberra. Thank you Linda.

The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife . .. . . ..
Tom's Scrotum.

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, " I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom, had a bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children", she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum. and wrap wire around it to hold
it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I am Tom Smith."
The entire congregation held it's breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is STERNUM."

Next is a Pearly Gates item called "Proud Mom."

Mitchell, a kindergartener, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: "cat". "dog" "Mom" and "Dad." had been proudly displayed for all to see.

Ine morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters. -G-O-D. Look what I spelled Mom?
Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face.

"That's wonderful," she said, Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see them when he gets home tonight. That Christian education is certainly having an impact, she thought happily.

Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen.
"Mom, How do you spell "zilla"?
Next one was sent by my good friend Barbara. Thank you Barbara.

I think I would re-name this ============ "Empathy"

An old one come back but it still touches the heart-strings, M.
WE DON'T NEED TOO MANY FRIENDS............JUST GOOD FRIENDS ! Let's see if you send this back...

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard.
As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy..
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies." "Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck,
"These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money." The boy dropped his head for a moment.
Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. "I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called. Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.
The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight.
As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller.
Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up...
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would." With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers.
In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.
Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."
With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy. "How much?" asked the little boy...
"No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love." The world is full of people who need someone who understands.

Next item was sent by my good friend Patriacia. Thank you Patty. I hope Abe is doing well.

Of course the picture didn't come through!!!!

This is an actual size of Noah's Ark
Let me know what happens to you the morning after you open this e-mail.
This is an unusual one. It actually gives you a time tomorrow. Let's see if it works.
Forward this message the same day you receive it.
It may sound ridiculous, but it is right on time.
We believe that something is about to happen. Angels exist,
only sometimes they haven't got wings and we call them friends;
you are one of them!
Something wonderful is about to happen to you and your friends.
Tomorrow at 8:23 am somebody will call you and tell you
something you have been waiting to hear.
Heavenly Father; I Come to you As Humble As I Know How. I Confess My Sins, Those Known & Unknown. Lord, you Know I'm Not Perfect & I Fall Short Every day Of My Life. I Just Want to Take Time Out to Say Thank you. Thank you for your Love. Thank you for your Mercy. Thank you for your Grace. Thank you for My Home, Car, Food, Life, and Everything I Do Have. I Realize That this Life I'm Living Is Full Of Trials & Tribulations But Thank you for Not Putting More On Me Than I Can Bear. Please Send This Prayer to Every 1 in your directory & The Next Time you Get Ready to Complain, Tell The Devil you are A Blessed Child Of God & you Have More to Be Thankful for Than to Worry About. We Must Go Thru The Storm to Appreciate The Sunshine!
This is a test to see who has more followers. Jesus or Satan.
If Jesus, forward to ten people,
If Satan close the e-mail!
God is going to fix two things (BIG) tonight in your favors!
God bless!

My good friend Lady Di sent the next ones. Thank you Dianne.

BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT (so is their spelling)

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:


8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!



1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.


FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.



Must sell washer and dryer £100.



Worn once by mistake.

Call Stephanie.


And the WINNER is...

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.

Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.

No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

(Statement of the Century)


Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.


TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.


TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'


TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)


TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?


TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.


TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.



TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.


TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'


TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....


TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.


TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)


TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher.


As promised, some more jokes from my good friend, Jel, Thank you Jel.

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six year old daughter Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of questions about what I was doing.

After mulling over my answers, she remarked, "My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.

Out bicycling one day with my eight year old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful.
"In ten years," I said, "You'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now."
Carolyn shrugged, "In ten years time you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give 4 year old Lizzie her needle.
"No, No, No." she screamed. "Lizzie, " scolded her mother, "That's not polite behavior.

With that the girl yelled even louder, "No, thank you, No thank you."
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son. "Dad,I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?" After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. "You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained that's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle? Blank stares. "Well, you have probably seen his his face on his lemonade carton.

An eight year old girl said, " How long was he missing?"

God's Problem Now.
His wife's graveside service was just barely finished. when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder
rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
"Well, she's there."

A smile - is a sign of joy.

A hug - is a sign of love.

A laugh - is a sign of happiness.

And a friend like me? Well that's just a sign of good taste.

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. ~~Albert Schweitzer.

Well I think it is time to call it a day my friends. Enjoy your lives and look after each other and yourselves. I am so pleased to feel so much better this week. Peter and his daughter will be back in time for my 78th birthday on Thursday. There are lots of folks older and fitter, but I know that I am old. Peter will be 76, 4 days later on 28th, So neither of us is young.
Take great care, my love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post ~ ~ ~ 782 ~~ Sunday, 20th May, 2012.


Meow (aka Connie) said...

Hi Merle, I am so pleased to readthat you are feeling better, I have been very worried about you. I hope you have had a lovely weekend, and are looking forward to celebrating your birthday this week.. Must be the week for it, as it is Barons birthday on Sunday the 27th !!! Have a great week ... Much love to you, from Connie xxxx

Mountain Mama said...

Hi Merle. I'm glad to hear you are doing fairly well. I must say I agree with your son about having a little critter running around your feet. I have two and the little boy dog is always trying to walk directly in front of me. I have given him a few 'gentle' kicks so he is doing better now at staying out from under my feet!
Love the funnies. Copied some to send to family & friends. The scrotum one really made me laugh!
Take care dear.
Love & prayers

Lady Di Tn said...

I think animals know when to take in consideration a persons ability to move around because Maggie, my black lab is ever so cautious around Mimi. I have had a lemon and orange tree for years and not a fruit or bud has shown up on my tree so your thumb must be greener. The jokes as usual were great and thanks for sharing. Peace and Here is wishing you enough.

Jim said...

Hi Merle ~~ I too am glad that you are feeling better, still. Are your tremors all gone now? I know it is nice to have John's dog with you. But I think he is right, the dogs really don't know to get out of the way.

Our poodle, Katrin, had to learn that I have the 'right of way' when I'm headed her way. A little nudge with my foot every time she is in the way has her trained pretty good.

But one of these days, Mrs. Jim or I will trip on a dog or her little stool that has no place but in front of the oven.

I hope you have a nice birthday. It is good that Peter and your niece will be there to help you celebrate. My guess is that there may be a 'couple' of others too.

I cringed while I was reading your 'scrotum' post. Mrs. Jim laughed as much as I did. We are still smiling, :) :) :),

Jim said...

Fogot to say, you WILL feel old when you turn 78. Everybody does. LOL

Granny Annie said...

Our mom always loved to sit her grand-dogs. As she became less steady on her feet, these visitors seemed to know and were very cautious around her. When mother was in the bed most of the time near her last days she seemed to enjoy visits from those dogs most of all.

Ron likes to brag that he owns George Washington's original cherry three chopping hatchet and has only had to replace the handle three times and the head twice:)

Granny Annie said...

P.S. I hope you have a wonderful birthday. Lots of my favorite people have birthdays this week and I am so happy to know you are one of them. Also glad your healthy continues to improve.

audrey` said...

6 baby lemons growing on your little tree is indeed a very joyful news. A more joyful news is that you're feeling much better now. Please take care, Merle. Love and (((HUGS)))

Gina E. said...

Glad you are feeling good, Merle - hope you still feel good on your birthday! Have a lovely day :-)
Those jokes really tickled my funnybone tonight!

Dave said...

Glad you're doing well Merle... and sorry I haven't been here for a few weeks. I've been so busy with work and family.

Great jokes as always too... you always make me smile! *S*

Jim said...

Happy Birthday, Merle! I hope it is going good for you. There is family with you. Peter and niece for sure but I'm thinking more will show up!

♪♪Happy Birthday to you,♪♪
♪♪Happy Birthday to you,♪♪
♪♪Happy Birthday Dear Merle,♪♪
♪♪Happy Birthday to you.♪♪


Janice Seagraves said...

I haven't been by in a while, got caught up in promoting and facebook and all the other stuff.

But reading your post today reminds me of how much I loved coming by. I'll have to drop by more often. :)

Glad your feeling better and have a great weekend.


Big Dave T said...

Hi Merle. We'r all getting a little older, true. I'm a year older today. Liked that story about the grandma riding with her eight-year-old granddaughter, since it has a ring of truth to it. Hope you have fun with your brother Peter.