Tuesday, June 19, 2007

My Next Husband Will Be Normal.

Post 234 - - - - - - Tuesday, 19th June, 2007.

Good Evening/ Morning to everyone. I hope all is well with
your lives. Mine is going OK - have a nice clean house again
and clean bed linen. I did not do the laundry though, as it was
showery, so will do that tomorrow.. The roast lamb dinners
that I cooked yesterday are very tasty. The day I do them, I
don't feel inclined to eat one, but the next day, they taste
pretty darn good. The Pea and Ham soup is warming and
delicious. The recipe is on Warren's blog.

Tonight's story has an unusual name "My next husband
will be normal and was written by Marsha Jordan.

My friend gave me a plaque that read, " My next husband
will be normal." I didn't realize how fitting it was until the
morning I announced to the husband, "I'm going for a
quick ride. I'll be back in half an hour." He nodded,
heading for the garage to tear apart a motorcycle.

After pedaling a mile down a deserted dirt road the strength
began to drain from my body like the air leaking from a balloon.
I felt like the Energizer Bunny without batteries. My legs went
limp like cooked linguini and my body folded up like a cheap
lawn chair. Then everything went black. I awoke in the ditch
with the heavy bike across my chest. Bits of gravel were
embedded in my skinned palms. When I tried to sit up, the
world began to spin; so I lay back down in the dirt.

I had no choice but to wait for someone to happen along
and help me. "The husband will be along any minute,"
I reassured myself. I assumed that when he realized I'd been
too long, he'd worry and come looking for me. I was wrong.

I spent most of the morning there in a rain puddle with rocks
and a Pepsi can digging into my back. Each time I started to
stand up, I felt like a marionette without strings.

I pulled a cigarette butt from my hair and spit sandy grit from
between my teeth while watching dead leaves, gum wrappers
and other litter blow past me.

Bees buzzed around my head, ants crawled up my shorts, and
Japanese beetles tickled my thighs. Meanwhile, the sun grew
hotter as it rose higher in the sky.

I lay there for what seemed like 18 hours, and I didn;t have on
my 18 hour bra !!

After a while, I became painfully aware that the husband was
not searching for me. Giving up any hope that my knight on
horseback was coming to help, I muttered to myself. "If I
want to get home before the winter snows come, it's up to me
to get myself there."

When I felt some strength returning, I used the bike for
leverage and pulled my woozy body up on quivering legs.
Slumping over the handlebars for support, I trudged home
while mentally rehearsing what I would say to Sir Galahad
when I got there.

Staggering into the front yard, I heard whistling in the garage.
I shouted weakly, "I passed out in the road and waited for you
to come looking for me !" The husband looked up from his
project but said nothing.

"Weren't you worried anout what happened to me when I
didn't come right back ?"

"I didn't notice how long you were gone," he replied.

"I was gone half of the day !" I yelped. He stared at me with
a puzzled look.

"I could have been flattened by a moving van or a beer
delivery truck !" I said. I was angry enough to spit hammers;
but he still just stood there, silent. I wondered if, while I was
gone, he'd been zapped by a lightning bolt and struck dumb,
He wiped his hands on a rag and shrugged, as if he couldn't
understand what I was upset about.

"My inward parts could have been spilling out all over the
road." I ranted; "I could have been devoured by wolves, weasels
or wild cats !" He just scratched his head.

"My eyes could have been plucked out by vultures, coyotes, and
hungry arachnids ! Vermin could have been feasting on my flesh
. . . but you didn't even miss me.!"

"Sorry," he said, then turned around and started back towards the
garage. Suddenly, he stopped and looked back. I waited
expectantly for some delayed display of sympathy.

"Oh," he said, " let me know when lunch is ready."

I was too weak to choke him. As I fell in a heap on the front porch,
I made this resolution : If I ever have a next husband, I will
definitely find one that's normal - - if that's even possible.
Sure she had a bad time, but I didn't like the way she said on
3 occasions "the" husband instead of "my". Oh well !! M.

Answering Machine - - -

1. Speak

2. Hi. Now you say something.

3. Hi, I'm not at home right now, but my answering machine is,
so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

4. Hello, I'm David's answering machine. What are you ?

5. Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with
one of those magnets.

6. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub,
and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their
office and do not need their pictures taken. If you are still with
me, leave your name and address and they will get back to you.

7. This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought
recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your
reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll
think about returning your call.

8. Hi. I'm probably home. I'm avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't get back, it's you.

9. Hi This is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by the phone until I call you back.

10. If you are a burglar, then we're at home cleaning our weapons
right now and can't answer the phone. Otherwise, we probably
aren't home and it is safe to leave us a message.

11. Please leave a message. However you have the right to remain
silent . Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

12. Hello, you've reached Jim and Helga. We can't pick up the
phone right now because we are doing something we really enjoy.
Helga likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right,
real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing
our teeth, we'll get back to you.

The new family in the neighborhood overslept and their six
year old daughter missed her school bus. The father, though late
for work himself, had to drive her. Since he did not know the way
he said she would have to direct him to the school.

They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time
several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for
20 minutes - - but when they finally arrived at school, it proved to
be only a short distance from their home.

The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she had led him
around in such a circle. The child explained, "That's the way the
school bus goes Daddy. It's the only way I know."

Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw
a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his fore-
head against a locker. I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself
into this ?" Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to
offer moral support. "Are you Okay ?" I asked. "Can I help ?" He
lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of
his locker. "

One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school's nurses'
office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a
woman with her hair in curlers in her hair, wearing pyjamas.
"Why are you dressed like that ?" I asked her. "I told my son,"
she explained, "that if he did anything to embarrass me, I would
embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've
come to spend the day with him."

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like night,
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 per cent os all statistics are made yp on the spot.
I'm a controversial figure: my friends either dislike me or hate me.
Learning is not compulsory . . .neither is survival.
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
A good listener is a good talker with a sore throat.
A technical objection is the first refuge of a scoundrel.
Nostalgia is not what it used to be.
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
Nature never deceives us; it is we who deceive ourselves.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and 3-fourths theater.
Democracy is the name we give people when we need them.
If you bow at all, bow low.
DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.
With time and patience, the mulberry leaf becomes a silk gown.
Like it's politicians and it's wars, society has the teenagers it deserves.
Laughter is inner jogging.
Someday is not a day of the week.
Make service your first priority, not success and success will follow.
I must govern the clock, not be governed by it.
Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
Character is much easier kept, than recovered.
If you don't believe in something, you'll fall for anything.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous - - tomorrow.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If at first you don't succeed, then sky diving isn't for you.

Three people wer visiting and viewing the Grand Canyon - -
an artist, a pastor and a cowboy. As they stood on the edge
of that massive abyss, each one responded with a cry of
exclamation. The artist said, "Ah, a beautiful scene to
The pastor cried, " What a wonderful example of the handiwork
of God !"
The cowboy mused, "What a terrible place to lose a cow."

A few quotes to finish with - - - -

A pessimist sees a glass that's half empty. And an optimist
sees a glass half full. - - - Anonymous.

A mother is not a person to lean on but a person to make
leaning unnecessary. - - Dorothy Canfield Fisher.

Deep peace of the running wave to you,
Deep peace of the flowing air to you.
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.
Deep peace of the shining stars to you.
Deep peace of the Son of Peace to you. - -Celtic Benediction.

I cannot do everything, but I can do something. One person
can make a difference. - - - Anonymous.

Bye for now my friends. I hope your week is wonderful.
Best wishes and Love to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 234 - - - - Tuesday, 19th June, 2007.


Ava said...

Hi Merle!

Hmm ... clean bed linen ... must be very nice!!! You've inspired me to wash mine!!! I use Downy and everything smells so good!

Great post as always! You always cheer up my day.

~ Janice ~ said...

Great reads, as the usual! :o) Love the answering machine ideas (lol!) and the substitue teacher was was too cute. Thanks for the smiles and have a great day!

Gledwood said...

(I'm commenting on the first piece)

Merle! Really I don't know what to say... what ARE you meant to do? Stay in bed and not bother in case you get tired? Or go out and risk what did happen happening again.

I'd always go for the 2nd option if I was you!

Hope you're ok now. I made lamb yesterday as well. I casseroled it with loads of mint leaves. In fact they sell this mint in bunches so huge a rabbit could live on it for a week. Let alone a family of 18 all wanting home-made mint sauce.

Many thanks for your message. Take care


Gledwood said...

A day without sunshine is like night

I like that!

LZ Blogger said...

Merle ~ I am sure that my wife is saying right now... "My next husband will be normal" TOO! (and for GOOD REASON)~ jb///

Lee said...

I hope you're keeping warm down your way, Merle. It's damn cold up here at the moment...I reckon it must have been around 1C here this morning. I'm staying indoors rugged up today...no intentions of poking my nose out the door...nor do my cats!

Take care. :)

PEA said...

Hello dear Merle:-) How I'd love to taste your cooking one day...it always sounds so yummy!! I so loved the answering machine messages...I want to choose one to put on mine! hehe Truly enjoyed everything else you posted...you always bring a smile to my face:-) It's 9:30 pm here now and I'm just about done catching up with everyones' posts so I think I will go watch a bit of tv and relax! Take care my friend! xoxo

Jim said...

Hi Merle, I'll bet in your part of the world it is time to write your blog again.
Thanks for the info on getting out for a duck in cricket. I hope if I ever play cricket, I won't duck.
I might end up like the bicycle lady in the ditch, but I won't duck.

mreddie said...

I have always enjoyed split pea and ham soup, even in the summer. A clean house and linen seem to make one sleep better. ec

Anonymous said...

Love to stop by and check in on you. A clean house and such wonderful food...Sounds like a dream.
Hope you are doing well. Take care.

Val said...

I LOVE those answering machine messages! I think I might use one of these instead of the straight forward one Techie Son made a few years ago. What fun!

EmBee said...

Merle, A wonderful post as ever, much enjoyment and I expect ChrisB is saying similar things about her next husband.
I received this completion of the optimist pessimist bit a while back and thought you might like it.
A pessimist thinks the glass is half empty, an optimist thinks the glass is half full, the engineer thinks the glass is twice as big as it needs to be!! Best wishes. EmBee

Puss-in-Boots said...

I love the Celtic Benediction...I've got it somewhere on my 'puter.

How's the temperature down your way...it's hard to believe in the Sunshine State at the moment. Sunshine = warmth and warm it ain't!

Thanks for a great post, Merle. Stay warm and dry. Hugs xoxo

Jeanette said...

Hi Merle,Just come home from my sisters, Iwas invited for dinner guess what we had, Yep Roasst Lamb and plenty of veg.it was delish and even better when someone else cooks it.
Now I think ill have to change the message on my answering machine to one of yours,nice little stories I like the little girl going to school.. Take care dear Merle try and keep warm,

audrey` said...

A normal husband...