Monday, February 25, 2008

The Make-Up Test.

Post 415 ~ ~ ~ Monday, 25th February, 2008.

Hello My Friends ~~ Well I trust your weekend was enjoyable
and that the week ahead of us will be a good one. It is Monday
night here and I had my carpets cleaned today so they look
better and will save my Home Care lady some vacuuming in the
morning. No doubt I will find enough jobs to fill in the time.

My son Geoff and his wife Joanne are in Port Douglas for two
weeks holiday so I hope they have a great time and the weather
is nice for them. My other son went to play Darts juat over the
border in New South Wales. Port Douglas , BTW is in north
Queensland, so they were flying.

I have a nice short story for you tonight that I hope you will
enjoy. It is called "The Make-Up Test."

Chad and his three friends were college seniors doing well in
their classes. Even though the final physics exam was scheduled
for the following Monday, Chad persuaded his buddies to take
a weekend trip several hundred miles away. He told his worried
friends they could study in the car and when they got back on
Sunday night. Instead, the boys partied all weekend and by
Sunday night they knew they were not ready for the exam.

Chad, an A student, told them to relax. He had a plan. He called
the professor at home Monday morning and told him they were
on the road and ready to take the final. But they'd had a flat tire,
didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help. Chad convinced the
professor to let them take a make-up exam.

When they showed up to take the exam, the professor placed
them in separate rooms and handed each a test booklet. They
were relieved that the first problem, worth 5 points, was simple.
They were less pleased when they read the second question,
worth 95 points : "Which tire was flat, and what time did the
repair truck finally come ?"

Chad's exam had an additional note : "Chad, I just received a
reference request from Harvard. How you do on this exam will
determine how I fill it out."

Then he added a P.S. : "You took two exams today. One was on
physics, the other on integrity. It would have been much better
if you had flunked physics."

Kids will be kids, but all choices have consequences. Chad and
his buddies took one risk by not studying, but they took a much
greater risk when they made up a phony excuse.
<><>

Now for some jokes ~ ~ ~
First ones from my friend Lady Di Many thanks Di.

7 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a human because even though it was a very large
mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not
swallow a human. It was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to Hell ?"
The little girl replied, :Then you ask him."
<><>

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of
children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk
around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she
asked what the drawing was, The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God
looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the
girl replied, "They will in a minute."
<><>

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments
with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Mother and
Father, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us
how to treat our brothers and sisters ?"

Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shall not kill."
<><>

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her
mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in
contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are
some of your hairs white, Mom ?"
Her mother replied, "Well every time that you do something
wrong and make me cry,or unhappy, one of my hairs turn
white."

The girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of Grandma's hairs are white ?"
<><>

The children had all been photographed and the teacher was
trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at when you are all grown
up and say, "There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer" or that's
Michael, He's a doctor.?

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's
the teacher. She's dead."
<><>

A teacher was giving a lecture on the circulation of
the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now,
class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know would
run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the
ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet ?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
<><>

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table
was a large pile of apples. The nun had made a note,
and posted it on the apple tray, "Take only ONE, God
is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end
of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want, God is
watching the apples."
<><>

Next one came to me from Mike who is Olive's helper.
Thanks Mike for the chuckles. Good one.

A lesson tobe learned from typing the wrong e mail address.

A Minneapolis couple decide to go to Florida to thaw out
during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent
their honeymoon, twenty years before.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to co-
-ordinate their travel schedules. So the husband left and
flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the
following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago,
there was a computer in his room, so he decided to send his
wife an e mail.

However , he accidently left out one letter in her e mail
address, and without noticing his error, sent the e mail to the
wrong address.

Meanwhile . . . somewhere in Houston . . . a widow had just
returned from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who
was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e mail, expecting messages
from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on
the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen
that read :

To : My Loving Wife
Date : Friday, 13, 2004
Subject : I have arrived.

Dearest Love :
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers
here now, and you are allowed to send e mails to your loved ones.
I have just arrived and have been checked in.

I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow,
and look forward to seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS . . . . . . Sure is hot down here !!
<><><>

One from my friend Sandy . Thank you Sandy.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail
with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome,
extremely sexy, middle aged man entered. He was so striking
that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare
and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she
could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over
and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything
that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 . . .
on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do
in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment. And then
slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed
into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply
into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said . . . . .

"Clean my house."
<><>

Morris, a man of 85 years of age, married Lou Anne, a lovely
25 year old. Since her husband is so old, Lou Anne decides
that after their wedding she and Morris would have separate
bedrooms, because she was concerned that her new but aged
husband may over exert himself if they spent the entire night
together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed
and hears the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the
door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready
for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes his
leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her
bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more
action. Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents to more
coupling. When they are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids
her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - -
Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as
a 25 year old ready for more action. And once again, they
enjoy each other.

But as Morris gets ready to leave again, his young bride says
to him, "I'm thoroughly impressed that at your age you can
perform so well and so often. Morris, you are a truly great
lover."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says,
"You mean I was here already ?"
<><>

Two bone weary public servants were working their little
hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy
for staff to be able to take their flexi days off, But there
had to be a way . . . . .

One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head."I
know how to get some time off work." the man whispers.
"How ?" whispers the blonde at the next work station.

Instead of answering, the man looked around quickly. No sign
of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple
of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look," he hissed,
then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.

Within seconds, his Director emerged from the office at the
far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the
ceiling, and asked what on earth he thought he was doing
.

"I'm a light bulb," answered the public servant.
"I think you need some time off,' barked the Director. "Get
out of here and that's an order. And I don't want to see you back'
here for at least another two days. Do you understand ?"

"Yes sir," said the public servant meekly, then jumped down,
logs off his computer and left. The blonde was hot on his heels.
"Where do you think you are going ?" the boss asked.

"Home," she said, "I can't work in the dark !!"
<><>

When I was a small boy, my mother used to give me the
vitamins B1, B2, B6, B12, and B quiet.
<><>

Just a few quotes tonight ~ ~ ~

He who has health has hope, and he who has hope
has everything. ~ ~ Arabian Proverb.

There is no darkness, but ignorance. ~~ Shakespeare.

Do you know what a pessimist is? A man who thinks
everybody is as nasty as himself and hates them.
~ ~ ~ George Bernard Shaw.

And here's to you Mrs. Robinson. Jesus loves you more
than you will know. ~ ~ ~ Paul Simon.

Like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down.
~ ~ ~ Paul Simon.

The shortest way to do many things is to do only one
thing at once. ~ ~ ~ Samuel Smiles.
<><>

Bye for now folks ~~ Time to check this and publish
and get myself off to bed. Take great care, and have
a great week. Be kind to one another. Love and Best
Wishes to you all, Cheers, Merle.

Post 415 ~ ~ ~ 25th February, 2008.

<><><>



15 comments:

Gattina said...

Very funny ! I also like to play darts ! I don't know anything about it, not the rules nothing, I just throw the dart and ... believe or not I mostly won !!

Lady Di Tn said...

Sound like the boys are in for some fun. Thanks for sharing my meger email with the world. Kids do say the darnest things.
Another good post to end my time at the screen. Thanks for making it a nice day and I hope the sandman is good to you. Peace

Dave said...

The jokes are absolutely wonderful Merle!!! It's nice to stop by here and get a smile....

ps, stop by my place today.. you'll see ME!

Old Lady Lincoln said...

As usual, you have some good ones. Love the kids and things they say. Also like the man arriving in Fl before his wife.

We have another Winter Storm watch so I ran to feed store for some peanuts for the squirrels, to the post office to mail out a few bills, to drug store to pick up more allergy medicine and some Tyneol and picked up a bag of ice, saves me having to mess around making my own ice cubes.

Have a great evening. I think tonight will be a good night for some pop corn. Take care, sleep well.

audrey` said...

HaHaHa!
I burst out laughing upon reading "The Make Up Test".
It's a very good joke.
Thanks, Merle =)))


PS
The Professor is so smart =P

audrey` said...

Praise Him
liberated!
no more pain =)))

Hallelujah!

all thanks to
His healing power
His grace
your prayers
and olive oil

i am feeling so well now
but
i still must slow down
and slim down
immediately


(((HUGS))) Merle =)

LZ Blogger said...

Merle ~ I am hoping that you and the family are having a GREAT time! ~ My best to them all! ~ jb///

deborah wilson said...

More good ones, Merle. The make-up test should be chisled in stone.
Take care..:)

mreddie said...

"The make-up exam" was a great lesson in honesty. The absent-minded groom was hilarious! ec

Jeanette said...

Hi Dear Merle, I had a good laugh here today great jokes.I hope Geoff and Joanne have a wonderful 2 weeks in Nth Queensland..Im pleased you liked my roses there been flowering well and get all the hot afternoon sun. ive been out pruning the dead heads of the roses today..im of for another blood test tomorrow... Take care love Jan..

Renie Burghardt said...

Dear Merle,

I'm glad you had a nice weekend. Mine was nice and busy, but I enjoyed it Our weather is finally on the upswing, and we may see some milder weather this week. And sunshine!

Hah, phony excuses can get one in trouble! And wrong emails can be dangerous! LOL.

Well, I loved all the jokes, especially about the woman with the three words, "clean my house." And old Morris! Loved the quotes as well, especially the one about health and hope.

A visit with you is always uplifting and fun, dear Merle. Have a wonderful rest of the week. Hope your weather is pleasant.

Love and Blessings,

Renie

Kerri said...

Hello dear Merle,
I enjoyed the jokes and quotes, as usual, especially those kindergarten jokes :) I hope your son and his wife have a wonderful holiday in QLD. I'd like to be there myself right now as we're in the midst of another snow storm. Sure is pretty outside this morning though.
That's a lovely photo of you with your hair newly permed. Thanks for sharing that. It's always good to see your smiling face :)

Joy Des Jardins said...

Many wonderful jokes Merle. I am always astonished how you keep coming up with so many terrific pieces. I know you have several ways you get all of your things; but it still amazes me. I've long ago started to save 'special' things in a file to be used for possible posts. I'm finding it nice to be able to use some of them when my creative juices just aren't flowing. Thanks sweetie...much love to you...

Janice said...

Hi Merle,

I loved the "don't mess with kids jokes" they were great! LOL

Janice~

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Wow! “The Make-up Test” is quite a story.