Thursday, February 28, 2008

God Created Children.

Post 416 ~ ~ ~ Thursday, 28th, February, 2008.

Hello Everybody ~~ I hope all is well with you and life is very
enjoyable for you. I am doing fine and do enjoy my life.
Yesterday I was busy cooking , so didn't get to post, but will
see what I can find tonight.

The lovely picture of Roses was sent to me by Mary, quite
a while ago, but is so pretty, I wanted to share it with you.
Thank you again Mary.

My daughter Julie sent me tonight's first item that is
called "God Created Children ( and in the process
Grandchildren.") Thank you Julie.

Tp those of us who have children in our lives, whether
they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews or
students . . .here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can
take comfort from the thought that even God's omni-
potence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and
Eve.

And the first thing he said was, " DON'T !"
"Don't what ?" Adam asked.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit ? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve, we
have forbidden fruit."
"No way !" "Yes way !"

"Do NOT eat the fruit !" said God.

"Why ?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so !" God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making
the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple
break and he was ticked !
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you ?' said the Father.
"I don;t know," said Eve. "She started it," said Adam.
"Did not !" "Did too !" "DID NOT !"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment
was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children
wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be too hard on
yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think
it would be a piece of cake for you ?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them
to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling
them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own
children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their
young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to
remind yourself that there are children more awful
than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY.

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home
one day.

And finally :
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what
it says on the Aspirin bottle.

Take two Aspirin and keep away from children !!!!
<><><>

A joke from my friend Connie . Thank you Connie.

A blonde was whipper-snippering her yard and she
accidently cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding
in the grass.

She rushed her cat to K-MART.

Why K-MART ?

HELLOOOOOOOOOO. . . .

K-MART is the largest retailer in Australia.
<><>

Another friend contributed the next one ~ ~
The moral of this story is . . . don't mess with old ladies.
Lawyers and Grandmas Thanks Graham.

Lawyers should never ask a grandma a question if they
aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney
called his first witness, a grandmotherly elderly woman
to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I've
known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've
been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your
wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind
their backs. You think you're a big-shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything other than
a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned !!

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and
asked, " Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney ?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a
drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with
anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire
state, not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different
women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.

The defence attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and in
a very quiet voice said, :If either of you idiots asks her if she
knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair. . . . . ."
<><>

And from my friend Linda. Thanks for this one.

It is good to be a woman :

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare bosses with mysterious gynecological
disorder excuses.

3. Taxis stop for us.

4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the
Speedo.

6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

8. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever
touching her rear end.

9. We never have to reach down every so often to make
sure our privates are still there.

10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to
picture them naked.

12. We will never regret piercing our ears.

13. There are times when chocolate really can solve
all your problems.

14. We can make comments about how silly men are
in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.
<><>

On a recent transpacific flight, a plane passes through
a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go
from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands
up in front of the plane, "I'm too young to die," she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last
few minutes to be memorable. Is there anyone on this
plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN ?"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten
their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate
woman in the front of the plane.

Then an Aussie bloke stands up in the rear of the plane.
He is gorgeous . . .tall, well built, with sun bleached blond
hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves. Everyone is transfixed. He removes his
shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasps . . . . He whispers . . . .

"Here you go luv. Iron this, and then get me a beer. . . ."
<><>

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband
was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and
wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when
we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and
tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said,
"Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across and gave her a peck on
the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later,
she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going ?" she asked.
"To get my teeth !" was the reply.
<><><>

Narelle is probably the ugliest woman that the planet has
ever sustained, but her friends are too embarrassed to tell
her why she can't get a bloke. She enquires of her doctor,
who is equally reluctant, but makes an appointment for her
to see a Chinese doctor who is a specialist in personal
relationships.

She duly presents herself, and is somewhat taken aback at
the first instruction from Dr. Huong Kwack, which is,
"Please take off all your clothes." She complies.

The next instruction is, "Please turn with back to me, bend
forward and place head between legs."

She does as requested, and is delighted to hear the instant
diagnosis, "I see problem. You have Zackery's disease."
"What do you mean ?"
"Your face Zackery the same as your ass."
<><>

A blonde found herself in serious financial trouble after
her business had gone bankrupt. She was so desperate
that she decided to ask God for help. She prayed, "God,
please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get
some money soon, I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night came and the blonde didn't win.

She again prayed, "God, please let me win the lottery. I've
lost my business, my house and now I'm going to lose my
car as well."

Lottery night came and she still had no luck.

Once again, she prayed,
My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business,
my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often
ask you for help and I've always been a good servant to you.
PLEASE, let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get
my life back in order."

Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light and the heavens
opened.
The blonde was over-whelmed by the voice of God Himself,
"Sweetheart, work with me on this . . .buy a ticket."
<><>

Now just a few quotes to finish with ~ ~ ~

The greatest of evils and the wost of crimes is poverty,
~ ~ George Bernard Shaw.

Education is what survives when what has been learned has
been forgotten. ~ ~ Burrhus Frederick Skinner.

There are so few who can grow old with a good grace.
~ ~ ~ Sir Richard Steele..

A journey is like a marriage. The certain way to be wrong
is to think you control it. ~ ~ John Steinbeck.

Marriage is like life in this -- that it is a field of battle, and
not a bed of roses. ~ ~ Robert Louis Stevenson.

Eternity's a terrible thought. I mean, where's it all going to end?
~ ~ ~ Tom Stoppard.
<><>

Well, my friends, time to call it a day. Another weekend is
looming and tomorrow is Leap Year's Day 29th February.
Have a wonderful day tomorrow and a great weekend to
follow.. Summer ends tomorrow here and it has been a
lot cooler, but it is warming up again on Monday.
Take great care, my friends. Love and Best Wishes to you
all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 416 ~ ~ ~ Thursday, 28th February, 2008.
<><><>






11 comments:

Lady Di Tn said...

Merle
I don't think I have ever laughed so hard this early in the morning. Thanks for getting me going. love and prayers

Old Lady Lincoln said...

Once again you have loads and loads of funny stuff, but this one made me really chuckl out loud.
"Narelle is probably the ugliest woman" I could just hear the Chinese doctor saying that to her. Also liked the woman on the plane about to crash and the man gives her his shirt to iron and asks for a beer. LOL! Sleep well my friend.

Susie said...

Hello Dear Merle,
Whenever I want a laugh I can always count on finding it here. I had to share the older couple joke with Bill. He said he's glad to still have his teeth! :)
Thanks once again for your kind comments, prayers and friendship.
xo

PEA said...

Dearest Merle,

Always fun to come visit you...wish I could do it in person too:-) We need a teleporter (or whatever it's called) from Star Trek to transport us from here to there in an instant. lol

I so loved God Created Children...omigosh that was so funny! Who would have thought that God couldn't control his kids either! hehe

Take care dear friend! xoxo

Renie Burghardt said...

Dear Merle,

I am glad you are doing so well and enjoying your life. God Created Children is cute, the aspiring advice is good advice! LOL. Good to be a Woman is hilarious! Well, I enjoyed all the jokes as always, dear Merle. I didn't quite get Zackery disease, but that's my fault, I'm sure. LOL. Enjoy Leap Year Day, and your weekend. Our weather has turned mild and lovely, and I'm certainly enjoying that. Take good care, my friend.

Love and Blessings,

Renie

Dave said...

Hilariously funny Merle... but tell me what's wrong with this sentence from one of your jokes:

"but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk"

*ROTFL*

audrey` said...

Blessed Leap Day to you, Merle =)

Jim said...

Hi Merle, those are a couple of pretty roses.

Thank you for the blonde jokes too.

And your mysterious gynecological
disorder excuses rule reminds me of the time we were having radar problems when I was in the Army. This wasn't my radar and I hadn't studied this one, but the warrant officer in charge of it was getting tired of answering the
young lieutenant's questions and nagging.
Finally he told the lieutenant that it had a broken fallopian tube and may not be repairable until a new one could be sent in.
We all had a good laugh, out of the lieutenant's hearing, the young fuzz thought it was a part of the radar.
Cheers,
..

Jeanette said...

Dear Merle, Sounds like your cooking to stack your freezer I bet theres some Yummy meals in there.
HEHEHE very funny jokes again Merle,and good Quotes..
Good Luck with your blood test results.Im starting to feel my arms a pin cushion.another blood test about 25th of march hopefully the last... Take care keep well. Janxoxo

Lucy Stern said...

Merle, I loved the things you had about children. I took my grandson to a birthday party last night and you are right, there are children worse than your own. JJ was the most well behaved child there and it made me feel good.

linda may said...

Zackery's Disease, I love it! Still laughing. Thank You Merle.