Monday, April 07, 2008

One Day At A Time.

Post 433 ~~ Monday, 7th April, 2008.

Hello My Friends ~~ Another pleasant day here
today and it is nice to see some sunshine before the
Winter sets in for real. I hope it is warmer for the
folks in the Northern Hemisphere with plenty of
warm sunshine. It was 25 C here today which is
77 F but the nights are a lot cooler.

Firat tonight is a nice article sent to me by my friend,
Margaret. Her e mail had pictures. Thanks Margaret.

One Day at a Time.

The most useless thing to do . . . . . . . Worry.

The greatest joy . . . . . . . . Giving.

The greatest loss . . . . . .Loss of Self-respect.

The most satisfying work . . . . . . Helping Others.

The ugliest personality trait . . . . . Selfishness.

The most endangered species . . . Dedicated leaders.

The greatest "shot in the arm" . . . . . Encouragement.

The greatest problem to overcome . . . . . Fear.

Most effective sleeping pill . . . . . Peace of mind.

The most crippling failure disease . . . . Excuses.

The most powerful force in life . . . . . . . Love.

The most dangerous pariah . . . . . . A gossiper.

The world's most incredible computer . . . the brain.

The worst thing to be without . . . . . . Hope.

The deadliest weapon . . . . . . . The tongue.

The two most power-filled words . . . "I can."

The greatest asset . . . . . . . Faith.

The most worthless emotion . . . . . Self-pity.

The most beautiful attire . . . . . A SMILE.

The most powerful channel of communication . .Prayer.

The most contagious spirit . . . . . . Enthusiasm.

The most important thing in life , , , , , GOD.

Have a great day. Everyone needs this list to live by . . .
pass it along !!!

Time for some jokes ~ ~ ~ ~

One I have posted before, but it's a funny one
Thank you Lady Di for sending it.

Exercise for People over 50.

Begin your routine by standing on a comfortable
surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your
arms straight out from your sides and hold them
there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute,
and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position
for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.
Then try 50-lb potato sacks and eventually work up to
where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand
and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
(I'm currently at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each
of the sacks.

Another from Lady Di, Thank you.

Due to the climate of political correctness now
pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and
West Virginians will no longer be referred to as -

You must now refer to them as Appalachian- Americans.
And furthermore . . .

How to speak about women and be politically correct:

1. She is not a "Babe" or a "Chick" - She is a Breasted

2. She is not "Easy"- She is "Horizontally Accessible."

3. She is not a "Dumb Blonde" -- She is a "Light-haired
detour off the information superhighway."

4. She has not "Been Around" She is a "Previously-
Enjoyed Companion.

5. She does not "NAG" you - -She becomes "Verbally

6. She is not a "Two-Bit Hooker" - - She is a "Low Cost

How to speak about men and be politically correct.

1. He does not have a "Beer Gut" -- He has developed
a "Liquid Grain Storage Facility."

2. He is not a "Bad Dancer" -- He is "Overly Caucasian."

3. He does not "Get Lost All the Time" -- He investigates
alternative destinations."

4. He is not "Balding" -- He is in "Follicle Regression."

5. He does not act like a "Total Ass" -- He develops a
case of "Rectal Cranial Inversion."

6. It's not his "Crack" you see hanging out os his pants --
It's "Rear Cleavage."

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young
blonde woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting
for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get
on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to
allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step
of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that would give her enough slack to raise her
leg. but found she couldn't reach the step.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time, attempted the step,. Once again she could
not raise her leg, much to her chagrin.

With a smile to the driver, she again reached behind
her to unzip a little more, but was still unable to take
the step.

About this time, a large bloke who was standing
behind her, picked her up easily by the waist and
placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would- be
Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my
body? I don't even know you."

The bloke smiled and said, "Well, ma'am, normally
I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my
fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two
people turn up.
One is a good-looking, older retired navy chief in his
mid 60 s and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her 20 s.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar-
coat it. "This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last
tamer so you guys better be good or you're history.
Here's your equipment . . . chair, whip. and a gun.
Who wants to try first ?"

The blonde says : "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and
steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to
snarl and begins to charge her.

About halfway there, she throws open her coat,
revealing her beautiful body. The lion stops dead
in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts
licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick
and kiss her entire body for several minutes and
then rests his head on her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says,
"I've never seen a display like that in my life."

He then turns to the retire chief and asks : "Can
you top that ?"
The tough old chief replies, "No problem, just get
that lion out of the way."

Understanding Engineers ~ ~ ~

What is the difference between mechanical engineers
and civil engineers ?

Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil
engineers builds targets.

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does
it work ?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How
does it work ?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How
much will it cost ?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want
fries with that ?"

Next one was sent by my friend Linda, Thank you.

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and
order "Chicken Surprise" The waiter brings the meal,
served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the
pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady eyes
looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hadn't so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees
two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains
what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "What you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah . . . so velly solly," says the waiter, "I bring
you peeking - duck."

A few quotes ~ ~ ~

Know yourself; don't accept your dog's admiration
as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
~ ~ Ann Landers.

Another nice mess you've got me into.~~Stan Laurel.

An injury is much sooner forgotten than an insult.
~ ~ ~ Lord Chesterfield.

You let a bully come to your front yard, and the
next day he'll be on your porch. ~~Lyndon Johnson.

Promise, large promise, is the soul of an advertisement.
~ ~ ~ Samuel Johnson.

Sometimes I sits and thinks, and then again I just sits.
~ ~ ~ Punch.

That is it for tonight folks, Look after yourselves and
each other. Enjoy your lives and share some smiles
with someone who may need some.
Love and Best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 433 ~ ~ ~ Monday, 7th April, 2008.


Gledwood said...

for "rear cleavage" someone really has to design a Builders' Bum Bra...

as for "northern hemisphere temperatures"... I can only speak for here (seriously the 1st time I ever saw "Great" Britain on a globe aged about 6 or 7 I could not believe our land was so tiny and out-of-the-way and northerly... I'd have assumed we were Saudi Arabia at the least if not India or the entire continent of Africa!... anyway (I bet I made that point b4 I know I told someone...) it's been down to ZERO here so badly we had SNOW yesterday... how intensely beautiful for THAT of a morning!

Take care Merle XX

Leann said...

LOL you crack me up.your blog is a breath of fresh air.
we are going into spring here in the mid west.but someone forgot to tell old man winter.
the ground is clear and we need some warm weather and the flowers will come out.
have a great week my friend and God keep you safe in his hand.

Old Lady Lincoln said...

Good evening Merle, once again a nice selection of jokes and sayings. Everyone should be able to find something here to enjoy. Thanks for sharing. It go up to around 70 today. We worked out in the yard some, raking up broken branches and asst. things. Have a wheelbarrow full of rubbish and two grain sacks. Tomorrow will find something to put the rubbish in from the wheelbarrow. We're not allow to burn something like that. So tonight I am tired. Sleep well my friend. Love, Patty

Meow (aka Connie) said...

I love the first list in your post, Merle ... it is all so true.

Hope the evenings aren't too cold for you yet ... hasn't the weather been odd ... where is our Autumn.

I have spent the whole day today, and I do mean the whole day, blog visiting ... down to the last few Aussie blogs in my Google Reader ... I went through the overseas blogs first this time, usually I do the Aussie ones first. Didn't realise how many I had to visit ... phew !!

Hope you are well, and fighting fit.

Take care, dear Merle, hugs, Meow xx

Renie Burghardt said...

Dear Merle,

I'm glad you're having pleasant weather. Time does fly though, doesn't it? It seems like yesterday when I was lamenting about the cold and you about the heat. I do love Spring, but it brings too many storms with it.

One Day at a Time contains words of wisdom! And I love the potato sack exercise! LOL. The political correct terms are a hoot! Lady Di sends you funny stuff! I have had lots of good chuckles this morning visiting with you, dear Merle. Thank you for the fun. Have a wonderful day!

Love and Blessings,


Hootin' Anni said...

Merle, you already know this by how I post comments to you...but your blog is sensational. Always. I tend to drop by and read, but most times just pass through. I love the list at the beginning today, especially about the loss of self-respect. If you lose that, then you tend to stray and all happenstances point in the direction of all the others you have listed.

And the 'peeking duck' was just hilarious!!!

Thanks again, for being you!!! I adore you and your sense of humor and true style.

LZ Blogger said...

Merle ~ I really liked this one... It's not his "Crack" you see hanging out of his pants --
It's "Rear Cleavage."
~ I hope all is well? ~ jb///

Gledwood said...

Talking of Breasted Americans did you know Baywatch used to supposedly get a weekly viewing figure of 1.1 billion per episode..??

just shows how many of the world's tellywatchers are BRAIN DEAD!!

Jim said...

Wow, Merle, those were really two good jokes!

What is the difference between an engineer and a cowboy?

Let us know how it with a few potatoes in the sack.
Oh yes, the cowboy has cow manure on the outside of his boots, the engineers cow manure is on the inside.

audrey` said...

Dearest Merle

Leann says it best "Your blog is a breath of fresh air" =)
I just love to come here.
It's always so refreshing and reaffirming to be here.

Jeanette said...

Hi Dear Merle,Its nice to feel the warmth of the sun after those few cold days. I always get a laugh when i come visit your blog..
Loved "One day at a time" how true.

this gave me quite a giggle,
6. It's not his "Crack" you see hanging out of his pants --
It's "Rear Cleavage."HEHEHEHE..

Take care Dear Merle Enjoy the sunshine while it lasts. Love Jan