Monday, September 15, 2008

God finds out about lawn care

Post 509 ~ ~ ~ Monday, 15th September, 2008.

Hello My Friends ~~ I sincerely hope that Hurricane Ike has not affected you too badly. The pictures on TV and in the papers showing so much damage have been really terrifying and so much damage. I pray for the families who have lost loved ones and their homes to be kept safe and to eventually get resettled again. And I hope none of you reading this, have suffered the harm and destruction.

We had a couple of beautiful days of 26 C, about 70 F, but today we are back to 18 C and VERY windy weather.

I have posted the picture below before, and it is an Aussie soldier in Iraq who got his wife to send some soil, lawn seed and fertilizer, so he could have a tiny lawn in the desert country. The Aussie soldiers walk through it before each assignment.

As you can see, the soldier is cutting it with scissors. Please keep all the soldiers there of any nation safe and free from harm. Love the haircut.

This was a lead in to my story, tonight. My dear friend Connie sent it to me and I really liked it. It is called
"God Finds Out About Lawn Care." Thank you Connie.

"Winterize your lawn," the big sign outside the garden store recommended. I've fed it, Watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a lot of it die anyway. Now I'm supposed to winterize it?
I hope it's too late. Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we've come up with outside of thong swimsuits! We constantly battle dandelions, Queen Anne's lace, thistles, violets, chicory and clover that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed through an annual four step chemical dependency.

Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis about this :

"Frank you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no maintenance garden plan. These plants grow in any sort of soil, withstand drought
and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But all I see are these green rectangles."

"It's the tribes that settled there, Lord, 'The Suburbanites'. They started calling your flowers ' weeds' and went to great extent to kill them and replace them with grass."

"Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?"

"Apparently so Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each Spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn."

"The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the suburbanites happy."

"Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it sometimes twice a week."

"They cut it?" Do they then bale it like hay?"

"Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."

"They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"

"No sir, Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

"Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?"

"Yes sir."

"These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work."

"You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."

"What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees, That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn (fall) they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life."

"You better sit down Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have them hauled away."

"No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and keep the soil moist and loose?"

"After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves."

"And where do they get this mulch?"

"They cut down trees and grind them up."

"Enough! I don't want to hear about this any more. St, Catherine, you're in charge of the Arts. What movie have you scheduled for tonight?"

"Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about . . . ."

"Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story."

First joke tonight from my friend Patty. Thank you Patty.

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice. . . . pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well." said the man, "she just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell . . . . cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better.

So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She is the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified. The baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.

He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen, considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, . . . .pregnant when you met her.

A short one from my dear friend Jeanette. Thanks Jan.

New terminology.~ ~ ~
Memory was something you lost with age.
An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.
A web was a spider's home.
A virus was the flu.
A CD was a bank account.
A hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And if you had a 3 inch floppy, you didn't tell anyone.


A few smart answers, sent by my friend Robyn. Thanks

It was meal time on a Qantas plane.
"Would you like dinner, sir?"asked the flight attendant.

"What are my choices?" the man asked.

"Yes or No," she replied.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a Coles supermarket, but she couldn't find one big enough.

She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he had just stopped for speeding.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the policeman said.

The kid replied, " Yes well, I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

A lorry driver was deiving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read - -"Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realized it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck. under it. Cars were blocked up for miles.

Finally a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck eh?"

The lorry driver said, "No. I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of petrol."

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her students of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now, listen to me. I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow, I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness or a death in your immediate
family, but that's it. No other excuses."

A smart-alec guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
But when silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd just have to write with your other hand."

Squire Bandworth hadn't been feeling well lately and to see that his money and worldly goods were not pillaged by some unworthy relation, he asked his solicitor for his will which he would read out to his staff so that they would know what what to expect.

The staff assembled in the hallway opposite the study door and each was called in in turn. The butler was called in first.

"Come in, Jarvis, " the Squire said. "I suppose you all know what this is about?" Jarvis nodded.
"You have looked after me, Jarvis, splendidly, for the last 30 years.. No one could have had a better butler.
For that, Jarvis, I am about to leave you this house, Bandworth Hall, with 300 rooms, plus $300,000." Jarvis went limp at the knees.

"Now, send in the cook."

"Good morning, Mrs Lucas. A splendid breakfast this morning, as usual," he told the plump lady standing before him. The staff outside pressed their ears closer to the door. "As you know, I love good food and you have given it to me. For that," went on the Squire, moving his
finger along the will, "I am leaving you my country house, Bramble Hall, with it's 200 rooms, plus $200,000.
Mrs Lucas almost fainted as she made it to the door.
Shamus O'Rourke, the gardener, pushed past her and stood before his master.

Squire Bandworth looked up, "Ah, O'Rourke. What can I say about you? You've ruined the prize rose that had been bred by my late father. You ignored any instruction about the
garden that I gave you. Yes, O'Rourke . . . ." the Squire fidgeted in his seat, "and for that I am going to leave you sod all."

O'Rourke seemed to relish the announcement, "Sod Hall," he mumbled. "And could I ask how many rooms it has?"

A beautiful young girl was lying, asleep, in a tiny bikini below the promenade. A small boy accidentally dropped a piece of his ice cream on her, and it landed on her navel.

The girl immediately awoke and sprang to her feet, shocked, and said: "These seagulls must live in a refrigerator."

Hurrying to finish her shopping, a young woman slipped on the wet pavement and fell to the ground.

A passing Vicar helped her to her feet, saying, "This is the first time, I've picked up a fallen woman."

To which she replied, "And this is the first time I have been picked up by a man of the cloth."

A little more Mark Twain. ~ ~ ~

It is easier to stay out than get out.

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.

The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.

Time to say Goodnight for now. I hope you found something of interest and that no one was offended by any jokes etc.
Take great care, dear friends and be kind to each other.
Love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 509 ~ ~ ~ Monday, 15th September, 2008.


Meow (aka Connie) said...

Hi Merle,

Thanks for including my email in your post ... I thought it was nice ... and all the other items are wonderful too.

Hope it hasn't been too cold again, these past few days. I think we have been teased, with those few nice and warm days we had last week ... and now back to Winter ... not fair.

Hope you enjoy the rest of your week.

Take care, hugs, Connie xx

Peter said...

Oops, sorry I seem to have lost the 5 comments that were here before I redid this post to see what it looked like when wider.

Dave said...

Very good jokes today Merle! *S*

I hope you have a wonderful day.

Rosezilla said...

Hi, Merle, I like your new format! Love the thing about grass... we are strange beings, aren't we? Someday I would love to have all garden and no grass.

Hootin' Anni said...

Hi Merle!! Long time no see. I continually think about you and want to visit with you, but the time these days slips by so quickly.

I was just over at Jen's Chronicles and made sure I'd stop by to say "G'day" to you too.

I love the photograph. It really makes one humble knowing that just a small patch of grass can make the soldiers' lives a bit more 'bearable' to say the least. And the "God Finds Out About Lawn Care" was amazing.

Love the story of the farmer and his three daughters...AND the 3" floppy. That made me choke with laughter.

Around our house, we spent one entire week preparing for Hurricane Ike and it was predicted to make a direct hit on our city...we're about 250 south and southwest of Houston/Galveston area. Then, by mid week, the path took a more direct turn up towards Houston where my son lives. Thankfully he was on vacation and not even in the USA...but expected to return this weekend. None of us knows what shape his home is in since we can't get through to anyone there...we're thinking they too evacuated and can't return to the city yet. So, it's sit and wait. But at least he's alive and well. And then, for the following days up to this past weekend, Bud and I have been busy taking things that we stored in the garage back outside --after the 'all is clear' from the city officials.

It's been grueling and tiring, but life is a bit more normal...if our life IS normal.

Happy day to you [I guess as I type this it's nighttime for you tho]....

Stay well and sweet as you are my friend.

audrey` said...

It's so sad that the Iraq war is still going on.
So many young lives had perished meaninglessly.