Saturday, January 24, 2009

Friends Award.

Post 563 ~ ~ ~ Saturday, 24th January, 2009.

Hi again my friends, I have corrected most ot the typo errors in last night's post and found that this picture was missing so I am now acknowledging the lovely Friends Award sent to me by my good friend Winifred. Thank you so much Winifred.

I guess the rules are much the same ~ ~ Link to the person who gave the award
and pass it on to other friends and link to them and let them know via comments.

However, with this one, as I consider all who read my blog as friends, please just take this one for your blog. You are most welcome, Friends.

Seeing as I am here, I will find a few jokes for you ~~~

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut
right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to swerve onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

I always smile and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why - - -

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these 16 miles each way is bumper to bumper.

Most of the bumper to bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out at to 982 cars every mile or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I
figure I pass another 4000 cars.

That brings the number of cars to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 woman drivers.

In any group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34 % describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5 % of all females carry
weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least 1 female
that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS and is armed.

Give her the finger?

I don't think so!!!

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear pressed firmly
against the tree trunk. Seein this, he inquired, "Just out of curiosity,
what the heck are you doing?"

I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You've got to be kidding me,"
"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandingly, curious, the man says, "Well OK, , , ,"
So he wraps his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up to it.. With this the other guy slipped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewellery, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later, another nature lover strolled by and saw this guy handcuffed to a tree and stark naked and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there."

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in
sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

A woman went up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?"
she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said running her hands beyond his beard to his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender."Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running
her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple
of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap or paper towels in the ladies room."

I think I had better get out of here, before I have no friends left!!!
Love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 563 ~~~ Saturday, 24th January, 2009.


Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Blessings, Merle. THat's a lovely blog award and some excellent jokes. Thanks.

Puss-in-Boots said...

You have some lovely awards, Merle, and they are most certainly well deserved. Don't worry about typos...we all make them. I miss out words and that can change the context of a whole sentence, sometimes not in a good way.

My aircon has been a blessing over the last few days, it's been so humid I think we're starting to develop scales and gills.

Stay cool. Hugs.

Jeanette said...

Gday Dear Merle.. Congratulations on your well deserved awads..
Had a laaugh at Two young men from Glasgow but i think the woman in the bar won my vote tonight ....
Take great care Merle the weathers heating up again...Love Jan...Im off to watch tennis sam Stozer hopefully win...

Gledwood said...

Hi Merle! Thanks for the Honest Scrap Award: I've done it now! Hope you're having a charming weekend there Down Under...

Jack K. said...

Merle, you do share some off-color stories. ROTFLMAO.


Winifred said...

Well it's back in working order tonight. Maybe my blog just needed a rest!

Rnjoy the rest of the weekend.

Janice said...

Hi Merle,

I like the joke; Give her the finger?

I don't think so!!!

Have a great weekend.


Jim said...

Hi Merle, I wouldn't trust women drivers enough either to be rude to them. Especially in Texas, just a lot of them carry guns. And they run you down too!
I liked your bartender joke, don't you feel like doing that sometimes when the water closet is a mess.

audrey` said...

The Award is a very pretty picture =) The jokes are so funny.