Post 564 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 25th January, 2009.
Hello Everyone ~~ Tomorrow is Australia Day and I received a rather irreverent article
about Australia. Just take it with a grain of salt- - - We enjoy our jokes over here.
God Bless Australia.
WE ARE ONE.
We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker.
We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand)
and although we live in the best country of the world, we reserve the right to bitch and
moan about it whenever we b****y like.
We are One Nation divided into many states.
First there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians.
Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks. cafe latte, grand final day and big horse races.
It's capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's livable," At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it's too b****y cold and wet.
NEW SOUTH WALES.
Next there's New South Wales, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens.
It's capital, Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it.
It's mascots are Bondi Life-savers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left
and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a state based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone has an extra chromosome at conception.
Maps of the state bring smiles to the sternest faces.
It holds the record for a single mass shooting which the Yanks can't seem to beat, no matter how hard they try.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murderers.
South Australia is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively re-use country banks and barrels, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen.)
They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One
drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant.
It's main claim to fame is it doesn't have Daylight Saving because if it did, all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work.
Western Australia was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the Government and business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land, Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru, and dusty kids with big smiles.
It also has the highest beer consumption of aa anywhere on the planet and the creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too.
Although the Territory is the centre-piece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on the way to Bali.
And then there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-assed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland as it's beautiful one day and perfect the next.
Why he filled it with dickheads is a mystery.
AUSTRALIAN CAPITAL TERRITORY.
Oh, yes and there is Canberra.
The less said the better.
We want to make "no worries, mate" our national phrase.
We want to make "She'll be right mate" our national attitude.
We want to make "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem. (So what if it's about a sheep-
stealing crim who commits suicide.
We love sport so much that news-readers can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell you who is winning.
And we are the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby league and rugby union, AFL, two up and horse racing.
Stand tall Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote.
We are girt by sea and pissed by lunch-time.
I AM, YOU ARE, WE ARE AUSTRALIANS.
PS We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National Crest.
No other country has this distintion.
HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY. To all the Aussies. Thank you Sherrill.
I have a small piece from a lovely little book, my cousin Michelle gave me. Hope you enjoy.
One day at a time - - this is enough
Do not look back and grieve over the past - - for it is gone. . .
And do not be troubled about the future - - for it is yet to come.
Live in the present and make it so beautiful - -that it will be worth remembering.
First joke comes from my friends in the UK Sue and Bob. Thanks for this one.
Exercises for People over 40.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5 lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from you sides and hold them there for as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10 lb potato sacks.
Then try 50 lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100 lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel comfortable at this level, put a potato in each sack.
<><> ~ ~ ~ An oldie but a goodie.
The Marine and the Poodle. Sent to me by Lady Di. Many thanks Dianne.
The train was quite crowded, so a US Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed middle aged French woman's poodle.
The war weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat? The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
"Please Ma'am, May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant."
This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor. This American must be put in
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a
penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
My good friend, Nancy sent me this one. I have seen the first part before, but the last half
is quite a surprise. Thank you Nancy.
You Think English is Easy ??? Read to the end, a new twist.
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to suject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my intimate friend?
Let's face it ~~ English is a crazy language. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS ~ Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.
There is a two letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two letter word, and that is ''UP.'
It's easy to understand UP meaning toward the sky or at the top of a list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP ? and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the
secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver,
we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and
some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but at night we close it UP.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP. To be knowledgeable about the proper
uses of UP look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk sized dictionary, it takes
UP almost 1/4th of the page and you can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you
are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so it's time
to shut UP.
Oh, one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last
thing you do at night? ~ ~ ~ U -P.
Three women; one engaged, one married and one a mistress are chatting about
their relationships and decide to amaze their men that night. All three will wear a leather bodice, stilettos and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet again.
The engaged woman : "the other night, when my boyfriend came home and found me with the leather bodice, 12 cm stilettos, and mask. He saw me and said, "You
are the woman of my life and I love you" and we made love all night long."
The mistress: "Ah, me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the bodice, mega stilettos and a mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the rain coat, he didn't say a word but we made love all night long."
The married woman : "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for
the night. I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and a mask over my eyes.. My husband came home from work, opened the door and says "Hey, Batman, What's for dinner?" "
That is it for tonight my friends. Have a great week ahead. We have a holiday for Australia Day. Take care or yourselves and each other. My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.
Post ~ ~ 564 ~ ~ Sunday, 25th January, 2009.