Friday, May 22, 2009

Happy 75th Birthday to Me.

Post 600 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 22nd May, 2009.

Hello Everyone ~ ~ I will turn 75 years old on Sunday, 24th May. I didn't expect to reach this age, and I sure don't feel much different than I did years ago. My body has slowed me down, but the mind still works pretty well. And I still enjoy life most of the time. My family and friends and all my blogging friends are the source of much of the enjoyment of life.

Another birthday coming up is Big Dave on Monday 25th May. Happy Birthday Dave.

On Sunday, my sons and various members of their family are taking me out for lunch, so
that should be nice, although I don't like being the centre of attention too much. I will post some photos next time I do a post. My little ? brother Peter will be 73 four days after me.

His daughter, Vicki's husband Rex came through his surgery all right and noww they wait
for the pathology reports. I pray they will be good news as those two have had a bad time the last year or two. Peter has a nice photo of them both on his blog.

Well, after that major announcement above, I had better look for jokes.
The first one comes from my friend in Britain - Embee, Chris B's husband. Thanks Mike.

The Hair Cut.
One day a florist goes to the barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept any money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a
dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later a cop comes in for a haircut and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber replies again, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week. The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning, when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and
a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a hair cut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you, I am doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen
different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful."

Then a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the
barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you . I am doing community service this week. The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up his shop, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our
country and the Members of Parliament.
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Thank you Warren for the next one.

It's that "Little Johnny" again -- "putting his foot in it."
Daddy's car in the woods.

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate
embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home
and started to tell his mother, "Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car
go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a
big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take
off his pants, then Aunt Jane . . . . ."

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, let's
save the rest of it for supper-time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you
tell it tonight."

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny
started his story, "I was at the playground when I saw Daddy's car go into the woods
with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped
her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane
and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs."

Mummy fainted.

Moral : Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you
interupt.
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Next one is called Old Timer Sex. Thanks to my friend Beth E.

The elderly husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we
had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll down there again and we can do it for old
time's sake."

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but a good idea."

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, "I've got to see these two old timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the
fence, the old man moves in.

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the policeman has ever see. This
goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and
screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age
that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to
their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman who is still watching them and
thinks to himself, "This is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is."

So as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
<><>
Next one is from my dear friend, Linda L. "It is called New Job." Thanks you Linda.

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out
and bites him. To show the others who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be very pleased, he desposes of the fish by feeding it to the
lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to his second job of clearing out the chimpanzee house, he is attacked by the
chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses
to the lion's enclosure.

He moves on to his last job which is to collect honey from the
South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked and stung by the bees.
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he know what to do, and
throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says,
"What's the food like here?"

The other lion says, "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."
<><>

A few from the paper -- Jokes based on clever use of language.

Robert went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will, but I don't know exactly
how to go about it."

The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied. "Not a problem, leave it all to me."
Robert looked somewhat upset and said, "Well, I knew you were going to take a big
portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family."
<><>

A policeman spotted a jay walker and decided to challenge him. "Why are you trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 20 metres away?"

"Well," replied the jay walker, "I hope it's having better luck than me."
<><>

Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches
from their brief-cases and begin to eat.

Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, "Excuse me, but you cannot
eat your own sandwiches in here."

The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.
<><>

Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put the cat out.
The taxi arrives and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots in.

Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver."
My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and and climbs back into the taxi "Sorry I took so long. The stupid idiot was hiding was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her
with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out."
<><>
Bye for now my friends Have a wonderful weekend. My love and best wishes to you all.

Post 600 ~~ Friday, 22nd May, 2009.
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28 comments:

Peter said...

Happy Birthday for Sunday when you will be three years older than me once again.

Gledwood said...

Happy 75th Merle, I hope you have a great weekend!

;->...

Patty said...

Dear Merle,
Happy Birthday early. Hope you have one terrific day with your family.

Glad to hear the nephew is doing well after the surgery, hope all reports come back clean.

Once again, I found several of your jokes that tickled my funny bone.

Sleep well. Love, Patty

Gattina said...

Happy Birthday, Merle ! and all the best to you. On this day I leave for a 10 day roundtrip through Morocco !
Stay in good health !! that's the most important thing one can wish !

Granny on the Web said...

Have a lovely memorable day on Sunday with the family.
Loved the first joke, as it is very pertinent at the moment here in the UK.

Love Granny

Big Dave T said...

Happy birthday, Merle. And I guess happy birthday to myself as well. Thanks for mentioning my birthday, I'll be 56. I think my mother is 75, or fairly close to it. My dad is 79 and played saxophone at my son's wedding this past week.

Good jokes as always. I get the fish and chimps, but "mushy bees" has me stumped.

Beth E. said...

Merle,
I hope you have a wonderful birthday! Sounds like quite a big day planned. :o)

I'm glad you liked the joke I sent.

Susie said...

Happy Birthday Merle!
Hope you have a wonderful birthday celebration and enjoy the time being the center of attention on your special day :)
Happy Birthday to your brother too.
My brother and I have birthdays just two days apart and we always had a joint celebration :)
xoxo

UKBob said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MERLE!!!
I hope you have a really great day and you must force yourself to be centre of attention cos its your day, so enjoy. Bob.

Peter said...

Great news for Merle and her readers... Rex has been given a clean bill of health after his prostate surgery.
Many thanks to all the well wishers.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Many happy returns for tomorrow, Merle. A good vintage year is 75!

I loved the jokes, especially the one about the mushy bees and old timer sex. I laughed out loud at both of them. My neighbours probably think I've lost my marbles...

Hey, great news about Rex. Thank God, it's about time they had some better luck.

Have a wonderful day tomorrow, Merle. I shall drink to your health.

Hugs

audrey` said...

(((HUGS))) our dearest Birthday Girl =)

Pamela said...

happy birthday to you!

daffy said...

Merle I hoe you have the best birthday! Enjoy the day! I think your brother is being a tease! ;o)
I hope you have lots of surprises and treats!
Best Wishes
Love
Daffy xx

Hootin' Anni said...

Hope your birthday was the best ever Merle!!!! You deserve an extra piece of birthday cake...no? Well, then hand it over to me. I'll help you continue celebrating.

Gina E. said...

Dear Merle,
In one hour from now, you will turn 75 - best wishes for a very happy birthday! You would get on so well with my mother-in-law. She is 21 years older than you, but you share the same sense of humour! (I just have to explain some of the jokes though, LOL)

Jeanette said...

dear Merle well its the 24th Wishing you a very happy 75th birthday you deserved to be pampered for the day..

Great jokes Ohh little johnny up to his old tricks again.. Giggle giggle at the old couple sex.. Take great care my friend. have a most wonderful day with your familyLove Janxxxxxx
Watch out for the pattern on the plate,,,

JunieRose2005 said...

Dear Merle,


Happy birthday! I'm sure you will enjoy the lunch out with some of your children!

Real sorry to hear that Vicky and husband are having all these health problems... but Peter's second message here to you sounds good!

Hugs))


Junie

linda may said...

Happy Birthday dear Merle. I am commenting on Sunday night so I just made it on time. I hope you had a great day and didn't tire yourself out too much with all the visitors.
Hey Merle, the other day I went to the national library here and I bought a great new joke book. I had such a good giggle at some of the jokes in there and still have not read it all, but quite a lot of the jokes you have here in your blog are the same ones I read in that book. So we must have some of the same tastes. He he.

Renie Burghardt said...

Dear Merle,

Happy birthday to you! May your birthday be showered with many blessings! And happy birthday to your little brother Peter, in four days. Sounds like you're having a wonderful birthday with the family, and I look forward to some pictures of the happy occasion.

Loved the funnies as usual. I am sorry but have been on the Internet so sparsely lately. Again, I hope your birthday is wonderful, dear friend.

Birthday hugs,

Renie

Pearl said...

Happy Birthday Merle, I do hope you had a wonderful day, you deserve it. :)

PEA said...

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday dear Merle
Happy Birthday to youuuuuuuu:-)

It's still Sunday here in Canada so it's still your birthday! lol I do hope you had a marvelous day, my friend. xoxo

Mountain Mama said...

Hello Merle and a very happy Birthday even if I am a few days late.
I'm five years behind you and like you It's just my body that slows me down. My spirit still soars like I'm 16 years old. Sure wish I could keep up!

Janice said...

Happy B-day Merle, have a nice dinner out with your family and I hope you have a great weekend too.

Janice~

Lady Di Tn said...

HAPPY BELATED BURPDAY!!!!! It is Mon here and I have been away from the computer for awhile. Boy am I behind on readin. I missed the big blogger issue as everyone I have checked on was having problems with her. OOH sorry the computer was on the bink but glad you got it fixed. Peace

Jim said...

Happy Birthday (late), Merle!
Happy Birthday (late), Merle!
Happy Birthday (late), Merle!
Happy Birthday (late), Merle!
Happy Birthday (late), Merle!
Happy Birthday (late), Merle!
Happy Birthday (late), Merle!
Happy Birthday (late), Merle!
Happy Birthday (late), Merle!
Happy Birthday (late), Merle!
Happy Birthday (late), Merle!

You know that's all the better that I can sing. I hope you celebrated it good, for all the weekend and are still going today!

And yes, you are now (again) the same age as me, 75. However I will have a birthday in October while you just got THIS 75 ONE in May.
:-)

I liked your jokes, they were all good. The lion and the bees was best with me.
I really like fish and chips and even mushy peas if they are with the others. Several times on the Queen Mary II we went to the pub for them. They were free but not drinks. Actually they figured we had already paid for a meal elsewhere that we didn't eat. Then we went elsewhere to have desert.
Mrs. Jim was REALY good at finding STICKY TOFFEE PUDDING too.

That lion one is followed by the free haircuts. On my birthday I got free haircuts, shampoos, and manicures from the college. They taught Cosmotology.

Again, Happy Birthday (late), Merle!
Cheers,
..

Fred said...

Oh darn, I missed your birthday. I hope you had a wonderful time at lunch.

I was going to sing "Happy Birthday To You", but Jim already did such a nice job, I don't think I could top his great version.

So, from all of us, Happy 75th!!!

Winifred said...

Have a lovely birthday Merle.

Love the electric fence story!