Post 600 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 22nd May, 2009.
Hello Everyone ~ ~ I will turn 75 years old on Sunday, 24th May. I didn't expect to reach this age, and I sure don't feel much different than I did years ago. My body has slowed me down, but the mind still works pretty well. And I still enjoy life most of the time. My family and friends and all my blogging friends are the source of much of the enjoyment of life.
Another birthday coming up is Big Dave on Monday 25th May. Happy Birthday Dave.
On Sunday, my sons and various members of their family are taking me out for lunch, so
that should be nice, although I don't like being the centre of attention too much. I will post some photos next time I do a post. My little ? brother Peter will be 73 four days after me.
His daughter, Vicki's husband Rex came through his surgery all right and noww they wait
for the pathology reports. I pray they will be good news as those two have had a bad time the last year or two. Peter has a nice photo of them both on his blog.
Well, after that major announcement above, I had better look for jokes.
The first one comes from my friend in Britain - Embee, Chris B's husband. Thanks Mike.
The Hair Cut.
One day a florist goes to the barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept any money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a
dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later a cop comes in for a haircut and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber replies again, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week. The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning, when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and
a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a hair cut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you, I am doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen
different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful."
Then a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the
barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you . I am doing community service this week. The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up his shop, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our
country and the Members of Parliament.
Thank you Warren for the next one.
It's that "Little Johnny" again -- "putting his foot in it."
Daddy's car in the woods.
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home
and started to tell his mother, "Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car
go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a
big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take
off his pants, then Aunt Jane . . . . ."
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, let's
save the rest of it for supper-time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you
tell it tonight."
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny
started his story, "I was at the playground when I saw Daddy's car go into the woods
with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped
her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane
and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs."
Moral : Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you
Next one is called Old Timer Sex. Thanks to my friend Beth E.
The elderly husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we
had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll down there again and we can do it for old
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but a good idea."
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, "I've got to see these two old timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the
fence, the old man moves in.
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the policeman has ever see. This
goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age
that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to
their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman who is still watching them and
thinks to himself, "This is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is."
So as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Next one is from my dear friend, Linda L. "It is called New Job." Thanks you Linda.
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out
and bites him. To show the others who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be very pleased, he desposes of the fish by feeding it to the
lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to his second job of clearing out the chimpanzee house, he is attacked by the
chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses
to the lion's enclosure.
He moves on to his last job which is to collect honey from the
South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked and stung by the bees.
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he know what to do, and
throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says,
"What's the food like here?"
The other lion says, "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."
A few from the paper -- Jokes based on clever use of language.
Robert went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will, but I don't know exactly
how to go about it."
The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied. "Not a problem, leave it all to me."
Robert looked somewhat upset and said, "Well, I knew you were going to take a big
portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family."
A policeman spotted a jay walker and decided to challenge him. "Why are you trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 20 metres away?"
"Well," replied the jay walker, "I hope it's having better luck than me."
Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches
from their brief-cases and begin to eat.
Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, "Excuse me, but you cannot
eat your own sandwiches in here."
The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.
Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put the cat out.
The taxi arrives and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots in.
Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver."
My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and and climbs back into the taxi "Sorry I took so long. The stupid idiot was hiding was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her
with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out."
Bye for now my friends Have a wonderful weekend. My love and best wishes to you all.
Post 600 ~~ Friday, 22nd May, 2009.