Wednesday, July 08, 2009

A Time for Everything.

Post 613 ~ ~ ~ Wednesday, 8th July, 2009.

Hello my friends ~ ~ I hope all is well at your place and you are enjoying all the days of
your lives. I am fine and went shopping with Kerry yesterday, so all stocked up again.
I have made a big Slow Cooker of steak and Kidney and vegies, and then put some nice
dumplings on the top. Smells and tastes good to me, this cool weather.

Today I had some blood tests done, to keep check on my diabetes etc - 3 monthly.
See my doctor on Monday. I was surprised to receive a letter from my clinic a couple of weeks ago and couldn't guess what it would be about. It said Happy Birthday and now
you are 75, would you like to be assessed for free, one hour with the nurse and your
regular doctor. I guess to see if I am capable of living alone and caring for myself.
So far, I don't see the need for an assessment. Does this happen in other countries?

My first item tonight will be familiar to many of you, but I do love it and like to post it
occasionally. It is from Ecclesiastes 3:18.

There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven

A time to be born and a time to die,
A time to plant and a time to uproot.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build.
A time to weep and a time to laugh,
A time to mourn and a time to dance,
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them.
A time to embrace and a time to refrain,
A time to serch and a time to give up,
A time to keep and a time to throw away,
A time to tear and a time to mend,
A time to be silent and a time to speak,
A time for love and a time to hate,
A time for war and a time for peace.


First joke is Why you should never take your partner shopping with you.

Letter - - - Mrs Fenton,
Our store is considering banning your family unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the last few months, all verified by our surveillance

MEMO Re Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping.

1. June 15th: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts
when they weren't looking.

2. July 2nd" Set all the alarm clocks in 'home wares' to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. July 7th : Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19th: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in
house wares. And watched what happened.

5. August 4th: Went to Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M & Ms on lay-by.

6. Sept. 14th : Moved a 'CAUTION -WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Sept 15th: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd
invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. Sept 23rd: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4th: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror and picked
his nose.

10. Nov 10th: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knew
where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dec 3rd: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission
Impossible " theme.

12. Dec 6th: In the auto department, practised his "Madonna Look" using different
sized funnels.

13. Dec 18th. He hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled

14. Dec 21st...When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the
foetal position and screams, "NO NO - it's the voices again."

(And last, but not least)

15. Dec 23rd: Went in the fitting room, shut the door and waited awhile then yelled
very loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here."

<><> I laughed typing some of those, so I hope no coffee was spilt.<><>

One day, when a seamstress was sewing near to a river, when her thimble fell into the
river. When she cried out.the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you
crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen in the water and she needed
it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord put his hand into the
water and pulled out a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.
Again the Lord asked, "Is this your thimble?" Again the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to
keep and she went home happy.

Some years later, she was walking with her husband along the river bank and her
husband fell in and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked why she was crying.
"Oh. Lord, my husband has fallen into the river."
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your
husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied. That is an untruth."
The seamstress replied. "Oh forgive me my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see,
if I had said No to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt, Then if
I said No to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'Yes'
you would have given me all three. Lord, I am not in the best of health and would not
be able to take care of three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a women lies, it's for a good and honourable
, and in the best interest of others. That's our story and we are sticking to it.

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer
model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting
a little dull...but that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's
especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I sllp and slide and skid and bump into
thingseven in the best of weather. My whitewalls are are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach our maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently .

But here's the worst of it. Almost every time I sneeze, cough or splutter . . .either
my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.... Doesn't stop us having a little fun though.

Steve had just gotten back from the doctors. The day after his check-up the doctor
called and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. First the good news,
You are very sick and only 24 hours to live.... now for the bad news, I should
have told you yesterday."

A nursery rhyme ~ Mary had a little watch, she swallowed it one day, now she's taking'Epsom salts to pass the time away.
But the Epsom salts they didn't work and time refused to pass.

So now if you want to know the time, just look up Mary's...... uncle, he's got a watch..

TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Maria.

Just a few quotes to finish tonight.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
~ ~ ~ Jack Benny.

Oh. what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. ~ ~ Walter Scott.

The big secret in life is that there is no big secret . Whatever your goal, you can get there
if you are willing to work. ~ ~ ~ Oprah Winfrey.

Forty is the old age of youth. Fifty is the youth of old age. ~~Victor Hugo.

In love, one and one are one. ~ ~ Jean -paul Sartre.

Bye for now my friends. Time to say Goodnight for now. Enjoy your lives and take
great care of yourselves and each other. My love and best wishes to all. Cheers, Merle,

Post 613. Wednesday, 8th July, 2009.


Jack K. said...

Your postings are always delightful. I really got a laugh at your response to the first joke. I had seen it before.

Take care.

Granny on the Web said...

I think we can all vouch for you in the coping alone for yourself, you are tremendous despite all the ailments. Maybe it would be nice just to go along and let them see how great you can cope. All the jokes today are new ones to me, so I have had a good giggle.
Love to you Merle
From Granny

Anonymous said...

You fill me with joy when I visit you! I love to read start to end each of your postings. Thank you.

Patty said...

Dear Merle, once more you have some good ones. Love the letter to the lady saying her husband isn't allowed in the store any longer. I could see some bored husband doing that. Also like Mary had a little watch. LOL Have a nice evening, sleep well and have one terrific day tomorrow. Blogging buddy, Patty

Beth E. said...

Thank you sooo much, Merle for making me laugh! :-)

P.S. Your stew sounds delicious!

Gledwood said...

That's probably the best thing about cold weather, you can make stew... I always put zillions of dumplings on mine and left the potatoes out. I luuurve dumplings...

Rosezilla said...

Good ones today, Merle (as usual!). The things the guy did in the store cracked me up because some of them sound like things my middle son would do. He is such a nut. I like that about 40 being the old age of youth and 50 being the youth of old age. I am 48, and I am happy to be "grown up" and I guess in 2 years I'll be young again, lol! In a couple of weeks I am going to get to see the great-aunt that you remind me of. She lives in another state and I haven't seen her in 19 years, so I am really looking forward to the visit. She's so much fun.

raccoonlover1963 said...

Hello dear Merle. I'm finally back. Love the jokes, as always, especially Mr. Fenton. Too funny!
Take care and have a great weekend.

Beth65 said...

Your blog is always 5 star variety, todays maybe 6 star, but you will top that too, thanks a bunch for the laughs, God bless.

Dave said...

Thanks for a wonderful post again Merle!

The Old Gray Egg said...

Boy, Mrs. Fenton must be a real saint for continuing to let Bill come shopping with her. My wife stopped asking me to come along about the second time I grabbed some feminine clothes off the rack at random, held them out at arms length for inspection then, put the hanger up under my chin so that it draped over my torso, then ran up to her and twisted back and forth while saying loud enough for all to hear, "Oh, isn't this JUST DARLING. It's SOOOO CUTE. Oooooo la la!"

Gledwood said...

Hi Merle, I hope you're having a nice weekend. It is Saturday afternoon here, so I expect you're technically just into Sunday morning your end...

As for that horrible soap, I've no idea what was wrong with it. I did find it with a job lot of cosmetics but it was fully wrapped, unopened. It just looked a bit flakey and "crystalline" but OK... Anyway it did come off within about 24 hours, but really did smell how I said ~ mouse doings and burning hair! ~ no exaggeration.

I would never put kidneys in my stew though! How on earth did you get a taste for them, Merle? I buy the pie steak and sometimes make a shepherd's or cottage pie with lumps of pie steak instead of mince, but would never ever vandalize that with kidneys ~ yeurkh!!

Gledwood said...

PS I love that scripture from Ecclesiastes... though the 1st time I came across that book was when I was very depressed aged about 10 and all that talk of vanity and a chasing after the wind I found utterly dismal and bleak

PPS I've got koalas at mine this afternoon...

Christina said...

I also love that scripture, and the jokes were good as usual. I'm glad all is going well with you, and hope that the weather doesn't get too cold for you!

Sharon's Cottage Quilts said...

Oh Merle, you are quite a character! I laughed so hard at your jokes! What a delightful Blog! I will return for sure!!

Margaret Cloud said...

I hope your test turns out okay. I think the assessment is like a physical, I wish I could get a free one. There is also a time to stop and smell the roses. Merle, the Bill Fenton one was so funny, I can't imagine my husband doing any of them. I enjoyed the other jokes also. Hope you have a nice weekend, take care friend and be safe.

Not the Good Scissors! said...

The husband in the department store is hillarious. Many years ago I had a boyfriend who would do about half of those things. Needless to say I wouldn't tell him when I was going shopping. Thank you for the best laugh I have had all week!
Take care, Susan

Puss-in-Boots said...

Hi Merle. Dunno what happened here, but I missed your post until today. Must be going even more batty than I thought...

I loved your jokes today, especially the husband in the department store. I knew a guy like that once...he was totally outrageous and you never knew what he was going to do next. Going anywhere with him was like going out with a time were just waiting for the next "surprise".

Hope you're not too cold down there in Vic. It's a beautiful day here today. Not a breath of wind, the sun is shining in an impossibly blue sky and I have all the doors and windows open. Maybe the warmer weather is not too far away after all...the end of next month...hooray!

Bye for now. Hugs.

UKBob said...

Hi Merle, that staek and kidney with dumplings smells good to me too, its made me hungry! My mum just got diagnosed with diabetes so she is just learning how to live with it at the moment. I'm just off to see if Mark Webber can win his first Grand Prix, he starts from 1st so hopefully he can make the break as he deserves his first win. Bob.

audrey` said...

I'm hungry. Your stew smells delicious ^grin^ HeHe!

Praying for your medical appointment today. Take care, Merle =)