Post 621 ~ ~ ~ Monday, 10th August, 2009.
Hello My Friends ~~~ Nice to be back with you tonight. I tried last night
to post, but the line must have been down. I could not comment on
blogs, nor send an e mail. But so far all is well tonight.
I hope your weekend was a good one. It was here, as Geoff and Joanne
came and stayed Friday night. Also their daughter, Michelle and her boyfriend
Ryan called in for a few hours. Ryan barracks for my team, Carlton and
through the evening we watched Carlton beat one of the better teams.
Michelle and Ryan were going to visit his people who live in a nearby town
I was very surprised to learn that at the end of December, Michelle and
Ryan are going to live and work in England for a year. Great experience
for them, and she is 25, a teacher, and Ryan is a plumber.
Geoff swept the gazebo and generally tidied up. Jo did dishes, which was good
of her. Geoff also planted some dwarf green bean and spring onion seeds.
So hope they do well. They get more light now with trees gone.
I guess many of you will recognize the photo of Sam the Koala who was
burnt in the February 7th Horrific fires. The fireman above, fed her
2 bottles of water as she was very dehydrated and put her paws in water
as they were badly burned. She was bandaged up and made a good
recovery until last week. This picture went round the world.
Then it was discovered that she had many cysts inside, possibly caused by
the awful trauma she went through. The vets decided to operate, but had
to put her to sleep as her inside was riddled with the cysts and would have
seen her continue to suffer and cause her pain before she died. So anyway
she is at rest now, but as she was a symbol of hope at such a devastating
time, the powers that be have decided to preserve her body to go to the
Museum in Melbourne. The racehorse Phar-Lap is there also.
Now to find some jokes . . . . .
"Little Old Lady" was sent to me by my dear friend Patty. Thanks Patty.
After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination,
the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell
me do you still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said.
She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud :
"Bob, do we still have intercourse?" There was a hush. You could hear a
pin drop. Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told you
a hundred times . . . . What we have is . . . . BLUE CROSS."
One from my good friend Gina. Thanks Gina.
A Kiwi man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After a
few weeks, he notices that none are pregnant. He phones the vet for help.
The vet tells him to try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have
the slightest idea what that means but not wanting to display his ignorance
only asks how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that the sheep will stop standing around and instead will
lie down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought . . .He comes to the conclusion
that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So he loads the sheep into his ute (pick-up) drives them out into the woods,
has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing they are all still
standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, so loads them up
in the ute, drives to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure,
brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find sheep just still standing round. Try again, he
tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive out into the woods. He
spends all day shagging the sheep and returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out the
window.He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No," she says. They are all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping
<><> I hope that one didn't offend anyone. it is meant to be a joke.
A few from my friends in the UK, Sue and Bob.
A history teacher asks a class full of kids, "What was Churchill famous for?"
A kid at the back shouts out "He was the last white man to be called
Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China? Everybody won.
Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan.
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.
A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, He
can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
"Excuse me, do I know you?" he asks.
"Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids," she says.
The man thinks back and remembers the one act of infidelity and says,
"Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night?"
"No,"she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher."
Thank you to my dear friend Lady Di for one, called "Anger Management"
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you need to take it out
on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know, but you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten
to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please
speak to Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear,
"Well get the right b****y number," and the phone was slammed down
on me. I couldn't believe anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down
Robyn's correct number to call her. I found that I had acidently transposed
the last two digits. After hanging up with her.
I decided to ring the wrong number again. When the same guy answered
the phone, I yelled "You're an as*hole" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word "A**hole" next to it. I put it in my
desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a**hole." It always
cheered me up.
When caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic a**hole" calling
would have to stop. So I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith
from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you are familiar with
our Caller ID Program?" "NO," and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you are an a**hole,"
and hung up. One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a
parking spot, some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot
I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting
for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his
back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first "A**hole". (I had his
number on speed dial.) I thought I should call the black BMW a**hole too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes it is."
I then asked, "Can you tell me where to see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at
34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. . . . It's a yellow ranch style house and the car
is parked right out in the front." I asked "What's your name?" He said,
"It's Don Hansen." I asked, "When's a good time to catch you Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes," he said.
I said, "Don, you're an a**hole" Then I hung up and added his number
to my speed dial too.
Now I had a problem, I had two A**holes to call. Then I came up with an
idea. . . I called a**hole 1. He said, "Hello" I said, "you're an a**hole. But
I didn't hang up. He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He screamed,
"Stop calling me." I said, "Make me." He asked, "Who are you?
I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Where do you live?"
I said, "A**hole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax in a yellow ranch style
home and I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming
right over, now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole and hung up,
Then I called, a**hole 2." He said, "Hello." I said, "Hello a**hole."
He yelled, If I ever find out who you are...." I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, I'll kick your a**. I answered, "Well a**hole, here;s
your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up.
I immediately rang the police saying I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax,
and that I was on my way to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in
Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax . . . . I quickly got into my car and headed
over to Fairfax.
I got there just in time to watch two a**holes beating the crap out of
each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better.
Anger Management really does work.
Some childhood quotes . . . .
A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
~ ~ ~ Carl Sandburg.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.
~ ~ ~ Leo J. Burke.
When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
~ ~ ~ Gracie Allen.
The young do not know enough to be prudent, and therefore they
attempt the impossible . . . achieve it --- generation after generation.
~ ~ ~ Pearl S. Buck.
The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without
seeing any. ~ ~ ~ Fred Astaire.
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child
of five. ~ ~ ~ Groucho Marx.
The trouble with children is they are not returnable. ~~ Quentin Crisp.
That is it for tonight, my friends. I hope you found something to interest you
and nothing shocked you too much.
Hello to Beth 65, thanks for your comments, couldn't see where to answer on
your blog. Did you make yourself some dumplings?
My love and best wishes to you all, Take great care, Cheers Merle.
Post 621 ~ ~ ~ Monday, 10th August, 2009.