Friday, March 26, 2010

Zen Teachings.

Post 671 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 26th March, 2010.

Hello my friends ~ ~ I am back after a whole week without the internet and
that was very frustrating. My phone was accidentally disconnected and that
seemed to be the problem,but it should not have taken so long to reconnect
in my opinion. Thanks to Peter for letting you know what the problem was,
and that I was still in the land of the living. But dementia indeed!!!
Why are people so unkind??

I hope all is well with everyone, I haven't had time to read all the posts that
I missed yet, but I will. And I will answer your comments.
I had a cousin stay over 4 days last weekend, and we went out every day
so I am very tired, and we both enjoyed the time together. I am still wondering
about my shortness of breath.
I had a ct scan of my lungs a few days ago and see the doctor on Monday
for the results of that. He said there is another lung disease, besides
emphysema and he wants to know which one I have. He said that he would
not like to have either when I asked. Oh Well!!!! He is talking about a lung
specialist, so we will see what Monday brings.

Today I have cooked a nice piece of Corned Beef with lots of vegies so have
some meals ready for myself. My son Geoff and wife Joanne are coming up
next Thursday, and then going on to get a trailer load of fire-wood as they
have a heater that takes wood.

While I was off the air, my granddaughter, Samantha had her baby at last
She has called her Summer Jade. Her other two Tabatha 10 and Gabrielle 6
will love having the baby home at last. They went home the very same day.
Times have changed all right. Now I have 4 great granddaughters.No boys.

Tonight I will start with some Zen Teachings, my cousin Bill sent. Thanks Bill.

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for
I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just
piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares if you are alive or dead, try missing a
couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.

13. Don't worry. It only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience...and most of that
comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women.
Neither works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass , , ,
then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.

One from my good friend Sherrill on how to fix the economy. Thanks.

Dear Mr. Rudd,

Please find below my suggestion for fixing Australia's economy. Instead
of giving billions of dollars to banks and insurance companies that will
squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the
following plan . . . .
You can call it The Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 3 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the
following stipulations :

1) They MUST retire. Three million job openings. Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new Australian made car. Three million cars ordered.
Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST buy a house or pay off their mortgage. Housing crisis fixed.

4) They must send their kids to school/ college/ University -Crime rate fixed.

5) They must buy $50 of alcohol/ tobacco a week . .there's your money
back in duty / tax etc.

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all the members of parliament pay
back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances.

My friend Gina sent me this one "Barbie Shopping." Thanks Gina.

One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was
his daughter's birthday and --shock ---he hadn't bought her anything.
Out of the corner of his eye he notices a shopping mall. Knowing it was
'now or never' he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a
parking bay and runs into the mall.

After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the
attention of the shop assistant. When asked what he'd like, he simply
says : "a Barbie doll".

The shop assistant looks at him in a condescending manner and asks,
"So, Sir, which Barbie would that be?"

The man looks surprised so the assistant continues, "We have Barbie
Goes to the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes shopping at $19.99, Barbie
goes clubbing at $19.99, Barbie goes to the Gym at $19.99 and
Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99."

The man can't help himself and asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie $249.99
when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99 ???"

"Well, Sir, that's quite obvious," says the assistant.
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture.."

One from my good friend Patty --"This Explanation Works for me."

With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much
information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room,
it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.

So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.

Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think,
"Good grief, look how smart I am !!

Must be where 'Smart Ass' came from. !!

One from my British friends, Sue and Bob. Thank you.

Why .... do Tescos make the sick walk all the way to the back of the
store for prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at
the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke?

Why do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the

Why do they have drive up ATM machines with Braille lettering?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the drive-way and
put our useless junk in the garage?

Ever wonder . . .Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed ?

Why don't we ever see the headline - "Psychic Wins Lottery?"

Why is abbreviated such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice.'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish-washing
liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there a mouse flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport 'the terminal ? Why?
Good question.

Well it is time to say Goodnight and thank you all for your e mails and
concern for me. I will try to reply to you all over the weekend. Keep
smiling and enjoy your lives. Love and best wishes to you all.
Cheers, Merle.

Post 671 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 26th March, 2010.


Dave said...

You were so missed Merle, I'm so very happy to see you back! *S*

Great post as always... especially the "Zen" one! *LOL*

Have a wonderful weekend dear friend!

Beth E. said...

Welcome back, Merle...I've missed you!

I got a big laugh out of this post, especially the Zen Teachings and the questions from your British friends!

Your corned beef sounds delicious...I wish I was there with you to help you eat it! ;-)

I'm continuing to pray for you, dear one. Have a wonderful weekend!


Lady Di Tn said...

Congrats on Great Grandaughter 4. I am happy to hear you had a cousin over while the internet was so kindly taken off air. I bet you will have a fun time with Geoff. Has John returned yet? I sure hope they can send you to a lung specialist as it seems to have helped my BIL. Thanks for makin us laugh. Have a wonderful weekend. Peace

Peter said...


Peter said...

PS, I pinched Sherrill's "economy solution"

Gramma Ann said...

Hi Dear Merle,

The best news is you are BACK. As always you put a smile on my face and a chuckle in the air, or was that a fart... sorry the computer made me say that.

Enjoy the family's visit and have a splendid week-end.


Lee said...

Good to have you back, were missed, my friend!

Little brother Peter took good care of your "affairs", though, in your absence!

Jim said...

Hi Merle, it is nice to have you back. I posted last Saturday and may try again this Saturday. Just the blaws over here I guess.

You have a nice brother except for the dementia bit. But that's Peter.

Thank you for the 'Zen' teachings. I learned that $20 lending tip early in life and get reminders still every now and then. But if I don't get paid back I think that person was in a real bind. It helps things doing it that way.

Cheers, :),

Margaret Cloud said...

I was so glad to hear from you and know you are okay. Hope the lung xray turns pot okay. Your corned beef sounds yummy. That is a pretty name, I have a niece named Summer. Liked the Zen teachings, very true. Sherrill has the answer to our economy also. The jokes were very funny. Glad you are back, you made my day.

Big Dave T said...

Hopefully you won't have to start carrying your oxygen around with you, but a lot of people do that around here. Doesn't seem to bother them.

I'm over 50. Let me know if they starting giving millions away over there. I'll immigrate.

Liked your jokes as always. Very true about the cars in the driveway and the useless junk in the garage. Describes me for sure.

Jack K. said...

Sorry I hadn't checked sooner.
Been busy with a web site for our school district's education foundation. It has been a fun frustrating experience, since I have never trained to do it.

Hope everything shows up properly with the CT scan.

The corned beef and veggies sounds great. We (mostly Maryann) end up making meals that will serve the two of us for several meals.

Loved the jokes a usual. The zen teachings are absolutely spot on.

Take care, friend.

Patty said...

Dear Merle, Glad you're back, up and running. Well I guess I should say, your computer and phone. LOL

Let us all know about your doctor's visit on Monday. Did he say what the other lung problem could be? Like I said, I had something called sarcoidosis, and after taking Prednisone for over a year, it went away, but left some scar tissue. They had to do several biopsies before they started me on medication. Good luck.

We had several nice days, almost like spring, then Thursday night it started raining, then it turned to ice with a light dusting of snow on top, which made for very slick roads the net morning. This morning it's around 48F, but feels cold and it's damp and rainy.

Take care. Will be waiting to hear about your doctor visit. Hang in there. Love, Patty

Puss-in-Boots said...

Yay! You're back. Isn't awful without a drives me insane.

I love the Zen Teachings...may I copy it for a couple of friends?

Now if K-Rudd would take notice of that most practical advice, the country would be in great shape.

Sorry to hear about your breathing difficulties, Merle. I hope something can be done for you. Good luck with the specialist.

Take care. Hugs.

linda may said...

G'Day Merle, don't you just love Telstra?
Some great laughs in here Merle. I especially loved the Zen stuff, not what I was expecting to read at all.
I haven't been forwarding my funnies as much lately because I am paranoid about forwarding viruses because I can't master how to remove that info they tell you you must remove from the top of the email....despite being told how by several different people. Have I ever sent you anything that has caused damage....I hope not anyway.
Sorry to hear that you are still having health problems. I send some healing love to you.
It rained here yesterday and today, did you get any of it? I love it when it rains.

Sharon's Cottage Quilts said...

Welcome Back Sweetheart! I was lost without you! I'm so happy that you had company and were well enough to get out and get a going..Good for you Merle! As always, thank you for brightening my day with this wonderful collection of funnies!
I'm off to email you now!!
Hugs and Blessings~Sharon

audrey` said...

Congratulations on the birth of your great granddaughter Summer Jade! =)))