Sunday, August 22, 2010

Grandma's Birth Control Pills.

Post 698 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 22nd August, 2010.

Hello again my friends ~~ It is nice to be with you and I hope everything is
going really well for you all. I am doing OK and looking forward to Peter's
and Warren's visit. I hope we get some nice days as we have had a lot of
rainy days. So I hope they bring their umbrellas and their gum boots.

A few photos from my garden - - first a cyclamen that Geoff and Jo brought
me last year. It is covered in flowers this year.



A general view of the front garden with 2 Camelias, a Lavender bush and always a
flower or two on my rhododendrom

On the right, a bright Winter Joy shrub in my back yard,








Ye





Ye






















Yesterday was fine until I went to close my gates. but
the heavy downpour gave us this rainbow. The photos
don't do justice to the vivid colors. A lovely bright one.



My Canberra friend Linda sent me "Grandma;s Birth Control Pills"
Thank you Linda.

A doctor who had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her life
finally retired.

At her next check-up the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the
medications that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was
looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realised she had a
prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realise these are Birth Control Pills?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could
possibly help you sleep."

She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee. "Yes dear, I know, but
every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice, that
my 16 year old granddaughter drinks, and believe me it helps me sleep at night.

You gotta love Grandmas.
<><>

Another from Linda - - Thank you. "Since the beginning of Time."

God said to Adam, "I want you to do something for Me."

Adam said, "Gladly Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down in that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him and said, "Cross the river.

Adam said "What's a river?"

So God explained that to him and then said "Go over to the hill. . ."

Adam said, "What's a hill?"

So God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam "On the other
side of the hill you will find a cave...."

Adam said, "What's a Cave?"

After God explained, He said,"In this cave, you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him too. Then God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under His breath) "Geez.. Then just like everything else, God
explained that to Adam.

So Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, over the hill, into the
cave and finds the woman. Then he was back in about 5 minutes.

God, His patience wearing thin said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said . . . . .

^

^

You're going to love this

^
"What's a Headache?"
<><>
A Mountain Wings joke.

When entering a hotel where she and her husband were staying, Gladys a
devout Baptist, noticed a shabbily dressed man lounging idly in front of the
newspaper stand in the lobby. She noticed that several men stopped to talk
to him and give him some money.

He seemed so cheered by the encounters. She impulsively put Ten dollars
in an envelope , wrote "God Bless" on it and handed it to him.

The next day, the man stopped her on the street. "Here's your $250," he said
cheerily. " God Bless won, at 25 to 1."
<><>

One from my English friends Sue and Bob. Thank you.

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

At Peter goes to the gatehouse and phones God, saying, "I've got 40
travelers here. Can I let them in?"

God says, "We are over quota on Pikeys. Go back to the gates and tell them
to choose between them which are the most worthy 12 and I will let them in."

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. "They're gone"
he tells God.

"What?"says God, "All 40 of them?"

"No," St Peter says, "The gates."
<><>

More from Linda in Canberra where at present we have no government. The
election was yesterday and we have hung parliament. We won't know for a
week or so if either party can form a government. Thanks Linda.
She has called them The Best in a Loooong Time. Hope you agree.

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door . . . They asked me what
I would like for my birthday. I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.
Drinks down please.

It was very nice of them, but I think the misunderstood me when I said,
"I wanna watch."

Honestly some people take offence at anything.
I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I
asked was, "How are you getting on?"

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby.
"Is this yours?" she asked.
"Probably," said Paddy. "She burns everything else."

My missus has just gone to the hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw."

It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking
on the patio.

Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to
spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally I think it's bollocks.

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right.
After 8 pints I talk sh*t and can't drive.

A mate of mine has just told me he is shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said,"How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a moustache."
<><>

Well it is time to say Goodnight and close for this post. Enjoy your lives and
be kind to one another. Love and Best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 698 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 22nd August 2010.
<><><>

12 comments:

Lady Di Tn said...

Lovely photos and once again great jokes. Peace

Winifred said...

Your garden is looking good. Mine doesn't look that good in winter, well no it's spring now isn't it.

I had a great laugh at those especially the pearly gates one and the decking!

Hope you get good weather for Pete & Warren's visit.

Patty said...

Merle, Merle, Merle, still sitting here laughing about the twins. Read it to Abe and he's chuckling to. Hope all is going well with you. Don't over do things when you have your visitors.

Rob said...

Hi Merle, your garden is very colourful. The Camelia looks massive! Its funny how the camera doesn't always do things justice but your rainbow pics were nice to see and I for one appreciate you showing it to us. Bob.

Beth E. said...

Great jokes, Merle! I enjoyed looking at your pictures. Your flowers are beautiful, and the rainbow is wonderful!

The weather here has been extremely hot and humid. We've had lots of rain, too, so it feels like we're living in a jungle. Haha

I'm looking forward to the cooler temperatures of autumn!

Have a blessed week, my friend.

Janice said...

Merle,

You have a lovely garden. Mine kinda done in by the heat.

Love the grandma joke with the birth control.

Janice~

Dave said...

Great post as always Merle... but, isn't it still winter there, or is it spring already???
The flowers are beautiful!

Pearl said...

It has been so long since I have been buy to enjoy your jokes. You always make me smile. Thanks for sharing your beautiful photos.

Sending you hugs,

Rob said...

Hi Merle, Thanks for the comment as always. I'm just popping over to let you know that I've posted some video's of Tommy on my Gardeners Diary blog at http://rob-agardenersdiary.blogspot.com/ you may already have seen them but I just thought I would let you know.
Bob.

Margaret Cloud said...

I loved your flowers and those rainbow pictures are pretty.I hope you had a nice visit with Peter and Warren. I liked the stories especially the one about Adam, I didn't know they knew about headaches in the Have a nice day. beginning.

Big Dave T said...

Sounds like Peter is really looking forward to his trip. I hope the weather stays good for him. I like your flowers. I should water mine more and maybe they'd do better. All I have are petunias.

Liked your jokes as always, especially the one about the gypsies. I've heard of them folks. Sometimes they get around here; don't know if they get around where you are.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Merle, you excelled yourself with the jokes this time. I laughed myself silly over the last few from Linda.

You must have a beautiful garden, those photos are just teasing. Show us some more!

It will be nice for you to see Peter and Warren again. Make sure they behave themselves...

Hugs.