Monday, August 16, 2010

A Woman's Week at the Gym.

Post 697 ~ ~ ~ Monday, 16th August, 2010.

Hello my Friends ~~ I hope all is well with you all and life is good for you all. I am
still hanging in here and not too bad. I have had more visitors yesterday - two of
my grandkids, Joh who is 21 and his sister who is nearly 23. Kate the chef. She
helped me get us some lunch, and we had a good old chat catching up.

This may worry my little brother Peter and his mate Warren, and well it should as
I am not doing as well as their last trip. I am looking forward to seeing them in
about 10 days. They may only stop briefly and move on to where they will be
better treated !!! It won't be the want of trying, but the energy level is low.

First item tonight was sent to me by my cousin David. Thank you David. It is
called A Woman's Week at the Gym. I won't be joining one of those.

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you.
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a workout routine.

Dear Diary.
For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local
health club. Although, I'm in great shape since being a high school cheer
leader 43 years ago, I decided to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club
and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified
himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and
swimwear. Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth
it when i arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is
something like a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling
white smile. Woo Hoo.

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching
the skillful way in which he conducted the aerobic class after my workout
today. Very inspiring.

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week.

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put
weights on it. My legs were a bit wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the
full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT. It's a
whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Christo was
impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.

His voice
is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he
scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
thin cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being half an
hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes. He took me to work out
with dumbells. When he wasn't looking, I ran and hid in the rest-room.
He sent some skinny bitch to find me. Then as a punishment, he put me
on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bast**d Christo more than any human has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic
little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you
don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything
that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on
a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like the drama teacher or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want
to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel . . .

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today So I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband
will choose a gift for me that is fun - - like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
I will say if God had wanted me to bend over, He would have sprinkled the
floor with diamonds.!!!

How that Greek god-like creature changed in a week!!!
<><>

Next one is from Patty, my good friend in America. Thanks Patty.

Forgetter Be Forgotten.

My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny,
But to me it's no joke.

For when I'm 'here', I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there''
And when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer.

Off times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain
A zero is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but Gee
The person it is safest from ..
Is generally me.

When shopping I may see someone
Say "Hi" and have a chat.
Then when the person walks away
I ask myself, "who the hell was that?'

Yes my forgetter is getting better
While my rememberer is broke
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

Live, Love and Laugh a lot.
<><>

Next are some Idiot Sightings that are funny and were sent to me
by Lind in Canberra I think. Didn't keep track of who sent them.

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
our car, we were told the keys were locked in the ignition.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver side door.

As I watched from the passenger side of the car, I instinctively tried the door
handle and discovered it was unlocked.

"Hey." I announced to the technician, "this one's open."
His reply: "I know, I already go that side."
<><>

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us one of our problems was that we did not have
a "large enough" motor on the door.

I thought for a moment and said, we had the largest one Sears made, a
1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower."
I replied that a 1/2 was larger than a 1/4.

He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two."
<><>

My daughter and I went through McDonald's takeout window, and I gave
the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter,
She said, "You gave me too much money."
I said, "Yes, I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back."

She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my
request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said, " I'm sorry,
but we cannot do that kind of thing."

The clerk then proceeded to give me my order, and $1... and 75 cents
in change. Don't confuse the clerks at McDonalds.
<><>

My teenage daughter went to a local Taco Bell and put in her order.
She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."
He said, "Sorry, we only have Iceburg lettuce."
<><>

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the sign on
our road, DEER CROSSING.

The reason given: Too many deer are being hit by cars out here.
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.
<><>

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street
east to west, and beeps for north or south crossing.

I was at the intersection with an intellectually challenged co-worker.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer and beeper was for.
I explained it signals blind people when the light is green.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing
driving?"
<><>

At a goodbye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker, leaving the
company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully,
"This is fun. We should do it more often.

Not another word was spoken.
We all just looked at each other with that 'deer in the headlights stare.
This was at Texas Instruments.
<><>

How would you pronounce this child's name? "Le-a"

Leah? NO
Lee-a? NOPE
Lay-a NO
Lei? Guess again.

This child attends school in Kansas City, Mo.

Her mother, irate because everyone is getting it wrong, said,
"It is pronounced "Ledasha."

When asked about the pronunciation, she said, "De dash don't be silent."
<><>

Stay alert. They walk among us... they vote. Worse, -- they breed.
<><>

Last one tonight sent by my son John. It is called The Hypnotist. Thanks John.

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those Headaches
I've been having for all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand
in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, "I do not have a headache.
I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.."

"It worked. The headaches are gone."
The husband replies, "Well that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the
bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see
if he can do anything for that."
The husband agrees to try it. Warning -- Now put down all food and drinks.!!

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes
picks up his wife and carries her to the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

They have sex and then he says again, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes back to the bathroom, comes back and round two was even
better than the first one.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

This time, the wife quietly follows him and there in the bathroom, she
sees him standing in front of the mirror and saying :
"She's not my wife
She's not my wife
She's not my wife..."

His funeral service will be held next Friday.
<><>

That is it for tonight folks and I hope you found something to make you smile.
Take care and enjoy the week ahead of us. Shopping for me tomorrrow.
Love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 697 ~ ~ ~ Monday, 16th August, 2010.
<><><>




13 comments:

Rob said...

Hi Merle, I don't know about Peter being worried Merle, I'm worried too now - I hope you're ok. I'm sure they will just be pleased to see you so don't worry about not being able to run round after them so much. Bob.

Sissy said...

I haven't read yet but the Workout Week. You won! I did...explode with laughter. I'm going to share with my readers with your kind permission.

We know a dose of laughing heals greatly and...I have healing chores to take care of.

Now back to this post. Thank you, Merle, for sharing you with me/us.

Winifred said...

Love that workout week. By mid week I was really laughing.

Hope you feel better soon. Take care.

Margaret Cloud said...

I really did get a few chuckles out while reading the workout, that was great, I did lol when reading the Saturday and Sunday. This was such a fun post, I enjoyed it very much.

Peter said...

Hi Merle, you are sounding like someone we should avoid rather than rush to see... but I'm sure we will be able to cheer you up a bit. see you soon.

Lady Di Tn said...

Thanks for the warning as I would have wet myself with hot coffee or choked from the laughter. Glad to hear you had a nice visits from grand kids. What a treat for Kate to help with lunch. Yep it is rather scary to know thoses folks walk among us and breed but also the idiots VOTE. No wonder our government is so lame. Peace

Dave said...

The best jokes in a long time Merle!!! The first one really is great too! *S*

Patty said...

Good evening Merle, sorry I haven't been around much. I don't know where the time goes. I do know my allergies have been a mess lately. Worked in the backyard all morning on Monday, stopped for lunch, then after dishes were done, mow the backyard. Next day I felt like the lady going to the gym, I could hardly walk, all that bending had my leg muscles really sore. Hope you've been doing ok. We're all about the same around here. Hang in there. Hope they soon decide what they are going to do about your aneurysm. Take care, Patty

Big Dave T said...

If you find out what to do for low energy, let me know. Your stories in general really hit home, especially the one about memory loss. I'm down to my last pair of reading glasses (can't find the others). If this pair walks away, I still have magnifying glasses in case of an emergency.

Hope you perk up by the time Peter comes around.

Jim said...

Hi Merle ~~ I think I laughed at every one of yours this time. I suppose that the hypnotist husband joke was the best. The health fitness is good too. They all are.

I am sorry that you are having so much of a problem with your legs that you think it will worry your brother too much. It may worry him but not to make him leave. It could make him stay around for a while if you need help you aren't getting.
..
I have trouble getting to all the blogs but for the next week plus we will be out, in Quebec City and Montreal, Canada.
I hardly ever get to Warren anymore. He hasn't been posting very often. I check on Peter not enough either but haven't left him a comment in a long time. I think we are all still friends. I hope so. :)
..

Joy Des Jardins said...

I wouldn't worry about Peter's visit...I think he'll enjoy whatever time he spends with you. There just are times when we aren't always up to par as we'd like to be. I hope you don't overdo with all the visitors you get...even though I think it's wonderful and I know you love seeing everyone.

Please take care of yourself sweet friend...that's the main thing.

Lots of love to you Merle... ~Joy

Janice said...

That A Woman's Week at the Gym was hilarious.

Have fun on your trip.

Janice~

Janice said...

That A Woman's Week at the Gym was hilarious.

Have fun on your trip.

Janice~