Post 696 ~ ~ ~ Tuesday, 10th August, 2010.
Hello my friends ~~ I hope all is well with you and life is good. I am doing
all right and today had my Home Care lady come to clean the floors etc
and help me change my sheets. It was pouring rain all morning so I did
not wash them. Then as she left, I had four cousins come for lunch.
It was nice to see them. Two live an hour or so from here and we see
each other fairly often, but the others live a long way away in Mildura.
Unfortunately, Charlie and Isabel have been down visiting his sister
Margaret in hospital who has terminal cancer and not too long to live.
My son John went on another Far ride to the border of South and Western
Australia. He left on Friday and arrived home on Monday. He has bought
a machine the he pushes a button and I can get an e mail with a map
showing where he is at any time. So I spent most of the four days
waiting for word and to know he was OK. It has an Emergency button
as well if he has trouble or anything and can get help. It is called a
Spot Walla. I am always glad when he gets home and then rings me.
First item tonight is called "How is Norma?" and sent by my dear friend
Barbara. We have known each other for nearly 60 years. Thank you.
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly
asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help dear. What's the name and room
number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay in
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check the nurse's
station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I
have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her
blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, " Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.
God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied,"You are more than welcome.Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one
tells me shit. True Story.
Now two from my son, Geoff. Rhanks Geoff.
WOMEN JUST DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR.
Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week and recently
got my daughter an iPod for hers.
I was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought
me an iPad for Father's Day.
Got my wife an iRon for her birthday.
It was around then the fight started . . . . . .
The couple were 85 years old and had been married for 60 years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because
they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due
to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on vacation
and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the Pearly gates, St.Peter escorted them inside. He
took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with
a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid
could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This
will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why
nothing." Peter replied, "remember this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a champion-
ship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the green fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is Heaven,"
St.Peter replied, "You can play for free every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch,
with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to
steaks to exotic desserts, free flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said St.Peter to the man. "This is Heaven and it is all
free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well
where are the lpw fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated
tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St.Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much
as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick."
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure . . . . "
"Never again, All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, " You and your damn Bran
Flakes We could have been here ten years ago."
<><> Good one Geoff.
A few " Kids in Church " sent by my cousin Bill. Thank you.
Three year old Reese :
"Our Father,, Who art in Heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."
A little boy was overheard praying :
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I am having
a real good time like I am."
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the
way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the little boy
replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian
home. But I wanted to stay with you guys."
One particular four year old boy prayed:
"And forgive us our trash baskets, as we forgive those who put trash
in our baskets."
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5 and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus was here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first
pancake I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."
A father was at the beach with his children when the four year old
son ran up to him, grabbed his hand and led him to the shore where
a seagull lay dead on the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.
The boy thought for a moment and then said, "Did God throw him
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to
her six year old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said," Lord, why did I invite
all these people to dinner?"
Finally two from my good friend in Canberra, Linda L. Thank you.
A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed
over, please come forward to the front of the altar."
With that, Albert, a young Aboriginal lad, got in line, and when it was
his turn, the Preacher asked, "Albert what do you want me to pray for
Albert replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Albert's ear, placed his other
hand on top of Albert's head, then prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed a "blue streak" for Albert, and the whole congregation joined
in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and
asked, "Albert, how is your hearing now?"
Albert answered, "I don't know. It ain't on until next week."
ALCOHOL SO BAD FOR THE LEGS.
A man goes into a cocktail lounge, and after a few, approaches
Maxine, sitting by herself.
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail ma'am?"
Maxine: No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Maxine: "No . . . they spread."
Time to say Goodnight my friends. If you find the print too small to
read comfortably, press Control and the plus sign together as many
times as you are happy with. Enjoy your lives. Love and best wishes
to you all. Cheers, Merle.
Post 696 ~ ~ ~ Tuesday, 10th August, 2010.