Post 711 ~ ~ Sunday, 7th November, 2010.
Hello My Friends ~~ It is about time I put another post up. I hope you are
all doing well and enjoying your lives. I am fine -- in spite of everything.
I had a CT scan on Wednesday to check on the aneurysm, results next
time I get here. That went OK. Next day I had my hair cut which was good
BUT the Taxi service have a new bus that holds either 2 wheel chairs or
12 people, Another high vehicle and I really had to struggle, actually sat
on the floor and somehow dragged myself to the seat. The driver offered
to send for a car, but was nearly time for my appointment. On the way,
he rang the base and said to put beside my name, "No B. Buses for me."
Survived that, worse to come. I had some oil in a cast iron pan on the
stove heating, and foolish me I left the room. So we had an oil fire which
I have never experienced before ( and could really have done without).
Both my fire alarms went off and kept going, and so did the pan fire.
When the exhaust fan melted and fell on to the stove, I rang John who
with his girlfriend came to my rescue. I turned the gas off and thought
it would stop. So I got some pot holders and put it in the sink, still with
flames which melted the nylon curtains above. I knew not to turn water
on to it. I got a heck of a fright and shook for quite a while. John and
his friend cleaned the sink, cut the melted curtains etc and we threw out
the pan.So all is well, and I must be a tough old bird to withstand the shock.
First joke tonight came from my cousin David, Thank you. David had twins in his
family, Jenny is doing great, but her twin died about 5 years old.
How Twins Are Made . . . .
How twins are made . . .I thought this was just plain cute.
So this is how they do it . . . .
One of Life's great mysteries solved. (Only twenty years ago, no one
would have understood this joke.)
My friend of long standing, sent me Noah's Ark. Thank you Barbara.
Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark.
ONE: Don't miss the boat.
TWO: Remember we are all in the same boat.
THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
FOUR: Stay fit, When you are 60 years old, someone may ask you to
do something really big.
FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
SIX: Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with
NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.
TEN: Remember the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a
Most people walk in and out of your life . . . but Friends leave footprints
in your Heart.
My dear friend Patty sent me the next item. (Just when I needed it.)
A strong person knows how to keep their life in order. Even with tears
in their eyes, they still manage to say "I'm OK" with a smile. Send this
to a strong person, I just did. God is good. Change is coming. God saw
your sadness and said hard times are over. If you believe in Him, send
this to ten people including me. Watch what happens in thirty minutes.
Be honest and send this to anyone who made you smile this year. It may
surprise you how many you get back. Thanks for making me smile.
Live, Laugh, Love. Thank you Patty.
My second cousin, Karyn sent me the next one. Thanks, Karyn.
Banned from Coles, didn't like shopping there anyway.
Yesterday I was my local Coles buying a large bag of Purina dog food
for my loyal pet and was at the checkout queue when the woman behind
me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had - - an elephant?
So since I am retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that, no
I didn't have a dog. I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I added that probably I shouldn't because I ended up in hospital last time,
but that I'd lost 10 kilos before I woke up in Intensive care with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her it was essentially a perfect diet and the way it works is to load
your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time
you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well, so I was going to try it
again. (I have to mention, here that practically everyone in the queue was
now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me If I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her, No, I stepped off the curb to sniff a
Rottweiler's backside and a car hit both of us.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.
I am now banned from Coles.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think up daft things to say.
Now for some from my good friend in Canberra Linda. Thank you Linda.
Words for Women to Live By.
1. Aspire to be Barbie. . .the bitch has everything.
2. If the shoe fits, buy it in every color.
3. Take life with a pinch of salt .. a wedge of lime and shot of tequila.
4. In need of support group? Cocktail hour with the girls.
5. Go on the 30 day diet,(I'm on it and so far have lost 1 days.
6. When life gets you down, just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your
8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
9. Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes
you walk funny.
11. When life gives you lemons - - buy some Coronas.
12. Forget about the perfect man.- he's living in Bondi with his boyfriend.
13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood/marriage
are the hardest.
14. If it has Tyres or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.
15. By the time a woman realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter
who thinks she's wrong..
"Good friends are like stars. . . .You don't always see them, but you know
they are always there." "Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but
live for today."
For those with a sense of Humor.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"
he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicle black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet. He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please
check. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back
the covers. She raises his gown and has a close look and says, "There's
nothing wrong with them. Sir."
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at er and says very slowly, "Thank
you very much, but listen very, very closely. . . . .
Are - my - test- results -back -yet?"
Last one tonight, also from Linda. Thank you my friend.
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE -- I'M BROKE!!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted
by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes
of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
"Go away," said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money,"
and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
it wide open . . . ."Don't be too hasty." he said. "Not until you have at
least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway
carpet. Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well, let me get you a fork, 'cause
they cur off my electricity this morning."
Well that is enough for you to wade through tonight my friends. I hope
you got a smile or two and were not offended with any of the jokes.
They are meant to be laughed at ad are only jokes.
Thanks again John and Heather for your help. I told John he should
change his phone number and not tell me. He got me a new Brita
Filter for my tap and connected it.. I can wreck things pretty good.
Take great care of yourselves and your loved ones. My love and best
wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle. I have heard since, you throw flour
on to an oil fire, or even salt. I do not intend to repeat that little
Post 711 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 7th November, 2010.