Sunday, November 07, 2010

Noah's Ark.

Post 711 ~ ~ Sunday, 7th November, 2010.

Hello My Friends ~~ It is about time I put another post up. I hope you are
all doing well and enjoying your lives. I am fine -- in spite of everything.
I had a CT scan on Wednesday to check on the aneurysm, results next
time I get here. That went OK. Next day I had my hair cut which was good
BUT the Taxi service have a new bus that holds either 2 wheel chairs or
12 people, Another high vehicle and I really had to struggle, actually sat
on the floor and somehow dragged myself to the seat. The driver offered
to send for a car, but was nearly time for my appointment. On the way,
he rang the base and said to put beside my name, "No B. Buses for me."

Survived that, worse to come. I had some oil in a cast iron pan on the
stove heating, and foolish me I left the room. So we had an oil fire which
I have never experienced before ( and could really have done without).
Both my fire alarms went off and kept going, and so did the pan fire.
When the exhaust fan melted and fell on to the stove, I rang John who
with his girlfriend came to my rescue. I turned the gas off and thought
it would stop. So I got some pot holders and put it in the sink, still with
flames which melted the nylon curtains above. I knew not to turn water
on to it. I got a heck of a fright and shook for quite a while. John and
his friend cleaned the sink, cut the melted curtains etc and we threw out
the pan.So all is well, and I must be a tough old bird to withstand the shock.

First joke tonight came from my cousin David, Thank you. David had twins in his
family, Jenny is doing great, but her twin died about 5 years old.

How Twins Are Made
. . . .



How twins are made . . .I thought this was just plain cute.

So this is how they do it . . . .

One of Life's great mysteries solved. (Only
twenty years ago, no one
would have understood this joke.)
<><>

My friend of long standing, sent me Noah's Ark. Thank you Barbara.

Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark.

ONE: Don't miss the boat.

TWO: Remember we are all in the same boat.

THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

FOUR: Stay fit, When you are 60 years old, someone may ask you to
do something really big.

FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

SIX: Build your future on high ground.

SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with
the cheetahs.

NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.

TEN: Remember the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a
rainbow waiting.

Most people walk in and out of your life . . . but Friends leave footprints
in your Heart.
<><>

My dear friend Patty sent me the next item. (Just when I needed it.)
Thanks, Patty.

A strong person knows how to keep their life in order. Even with tears
in their eyes, they still manage to say "I'm OK" with a smile. Send this
to a strong person, I just did. God is good. Change is coming. God saw
your sadness and said hard times are over. If you believe in Him, send
this to ten people including me. Watch what happens in thirty minutes.
Be honest and send this to anyone who made you smile this year. It may
surprise you how many you get back. Thanks for making me smile.
Live, Laugh, Love. Thank you Patty.
<><>
My second cousin, Karyn sent me the next one. Thanks, Karyn.

Banned from Coles, didn't like shopping there anyway.
Yesterday I was my local Coles buying a large bag of Purina dog food
for my loyal pet and was at the checkout queue when the woman behind
me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had - - an elephant?

So since I am retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that, no
I didn't have a dog. I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that probably I shouldn't because I ended up in hospital last time,
but that I'd lost 10 kilos before I woke up in Intensive care with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her it was essentially a perfect diet and the way it works is to load
your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time
you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well, so I was going to try it
again. (I have to mention, here that practically everyone in the queue was
now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me If I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her, No, I stepped off the curb to sniff a
Rottweiler's backside and a car hit both of us.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.
I am now banned from Coles.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think up daft things to say.
<><>

Now for some from my good friend in Canberra Linda. Thank you Linda.

Words for Women to Live By.
1. Aspire to be Barbie. . .the bitch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits, buy it in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt .. a wedge of lime and shot of tequila.

4. In need of support group? Cocktail hour with the girls.

5. Go on the 30 day diet,(I'm on it and so far have lost 1 days.

6. When life gets you down, just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your
personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes
you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons - - buy some Coronas.

12. Forget about the perfect man.- he's living in Bondi with his boyfriend.

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood/marriage
are the hardest.

14. If it has Tyres or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.

15. By the time a woman realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter
who thinks she's wrong..

"Good friends are like stars. . . .You don't always see them, but you know
they are always there." "Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but
live for today."
<><>

For those with a sense of Humor.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"
he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicle black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet. He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please
check. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back
the covers. She raises his gown and has a close look and says, "There's
nothing wrong with them. Sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at er and says very slowly, "Thank
you very much, but listen very, very closely. . . . .

Are - my - test- results -back -yet?"
<><>
Last one tonight, also from Linda. Thank you my friend.

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE -- I'M BROKE!!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted
by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes
of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners...

"Go away," said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money,"
and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
it wide open . . . ."Don't be too hasty." he said. "Not until you have at
least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway
carpet. Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well, let me get you a fork, 'cause
they cur off my electricity this morning."
<><>

Well that is enough for you to wade through tonight my friends. I hope
you got a smile or two and were not offended with any of the jokes.
They are meant to be laughed at ad are only jokes.

Thanks again John and Heather for your help. I told John he should
change his phone number and not tell me. He got me a new Brita
Filter for my tap and connected it.. I can wreck things pretty good.

Take great care of yourselves and your loved ones. My love and best
wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle. I have heard since, you throw flour
on to an oil fire, or even salt. I do not intend to repeat that little
episode again.

Post 711 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 7th November, 2010.
<><><>

18 comments:

Gigi Ann said...

Oh My Goodness Merle, I am so glad to hear you are alright. I can understand how that can happen. One day I put some chicken on to fry for lunch, and got busy doing something else, forgot the chicken, it got a bit blackened, I told the hubby it was a new recipe called Blackened Chicken, he ate it and thought it was good. LOL...

I am going to e-mail the student nurse joke to my family.

I hope you are feeling well today and have a nice safe week.

Jack K. said...

Merle, glad to know you survived the fire. Did John remind you that for an oil fire that is confined to the pan just put a lid on it. That should deprive it of oxygen and put it out.

I'm still chuckling about the Cole's incident. I think I read it somewhere else and it is still hilarious.

As for the "test results", that was funny, too.

Take care.

Regards, Jack

jel said...

Glad that you are ok,

bee careful ota!


huggs

Dave said...

*S* Great post Merle... but wow, the fire in the kitchen is SCARY!!!

Please be more careful.

Peter said...

Hi Merle, glad to hear you survived the fire, You just can't be too careful, that's part of the reason I stopped cooking!!!

Winifred said...

Merle I'm so pleased you're OK and your fire wasn't worse.

Visited my sister in law today when we went in there was an awful smell of gas. I asked did she have a gas leak. When she checked one of the gas burners was on but not lit. She thinks it had been on since the night before!

I was just about crying at that Purina story. Brilliant.

The Words for Women to Live by are fabulous but I didn't get No 11. What are Coronas?

Take care Merle hope your test results are good.

Joy Des Jardins said...

Oh Merle, I'm so glad you're okay after that kitchen fire. That's enough to shake anyone. These things happen, and sometimes we can't even think straight. You did a wonderful job under the circumstances...and I'm so glad things weren't worse.

I love 'How Twins Are Made.' I wish someone told me about this method when I had mine. This looks SO much easier.

Stay well and safe sweet friend... Love Joy

Rob said...

Goodness me Merle, you sure have plenty of adventures. Fire is one of he worst things out so I'm sure it shuck you up pretty bad. The main things is you survived and there was no great harm done to you or your house. Vicki is often leaving stuff on the stove but thankfully its only ever been stuff that boils dry and not bursts in to flames.

Lady Di Tn said...

Merle
Another good one. Fire is nothing to mess with take it from one whose homes burnt not once but three times. I forgot I put on some eggs to boil and went out an got busy with the plants but luckily I had Mimi in the kitchen to fix my error before any harm was done. Please be careful on your side of the world. Peace

Margaret Cloud said...

That sure was scary, fires can be alarming, glad you came out okay. Banned from Coles was a good one, lol. Loved the test-results-back-yet. I did get a smile out of your post, thanks.

Gina E. said...

Dear Merle, I was shocked to read your story, and so glad that you have so many friends and relatives to come to your rescue. I left lamb chops under the griller once, to run out into the back yard because Ken had fallen off a ladder. Next thing we saw smoke coming from inside the roof. The fire brigade are just down the road, and they were here within minutes. Fortunately no harm done, just burnt chops and a lot of smoke.
Some of those jokes were brilliant!

Big Dave T said...

I always like hearing your cooking stories, but not that kind. I wouldn't know what to do with a grease fire either. Hopefully Wendy does.

Loved the joke about the purina diet. That had me laughing out loud here. Didn't see that punchline coming.

Stay out of trouble this week ;-)

JunieRose2005 said...

Hi Merle,

Oh, my!! That fire you had was real scary! So glad you're ok

((hugs))
June

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Sharon's Cottage Quilts said...

Dearest Merle, Thank goodness you are okay! That also has happened to me..once, in a panic I threw the whole pan with grease out the 2nd story window!! Dumb dumb. Thank the Lord nobody was down there!! Let us know how your CT went. I'm praying for good results and sending you big hugs. Blessings~Sharon

Sue said...

Thank YOu so MUCH Merle, I have not laughed like that since I lost my baby sister in October.
she and I always laughed at jokes, we laughed until we were out of breath.
Love it.
Sue

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