Post 724 ~ ~ Thursday, 10th February, 2011.
Hello my friends ~ ~ I hope the world and the weather is treating you
all well after recent unusual weather. It is much better here, the floods
and fires in Western Australia that burnt 70 plus houses, are now all
under control. But with one heck of a lot of rebuilding to be done.
I am doing Ok, just do not do too much these days.
I took this photo of a shrub in my garden the other day. When I was
young all those years ago, we called it a Lasiandra. Now it is known
as a Tibouchiana or something like that. It has the loveliest purple
flowers all over it. I hope it enlarges for you to see.
The first item today came from my dear friend Patty in the U.S.
Thank you Patty ~ ~ these are too true to be funny.
TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST
YOU'LL EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.
Observations on Growing Older - - -
Your kids are becoming you . . and you don't like them . . but
your grandchildren are perfect.
Going out is good ~~ coming home is better.
When people say you look "Great" .. They add "for your age"
When you needed the discount, you paid full price. Now you get
discounts on everything...Movies, hotels, flights, but you're too
tired to use them.
You forget names.. But it's OK because other people forget they
even knew you.
The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 pounds and you have
a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
You realize you're never going to be good at anything....especially
Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't
The things you used to do, you no longer care to do, but you
really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.
Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV
blaring than he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep".
Remember when your mother said, "Wear clean underwear in
case you have an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear,
in case you HAVE an accident.
You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married"... Now you say
"I hope they STAY married."
You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON"
and "OFF" switch.
When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem. . .were unheard of, and
a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what" and "when?"
Now you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it.
Your husband has a night out with the guys.But he's home by 9pm.
You read 100 pages of a book before you realize you have read it.
Now your husband has retired...you'd give anything if he'd get
But old is good in some things, Old songs. Old movies. And best
of all, OLD FRIENDS.
It is not what you gather. But what you scatter that tells
what kind of life you have lived.
Next one was sent by my son John. Thank you.
HOW TO DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (Written by kids.)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like sports,
she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming. Alan aged 10.
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all way before . . and you get to find
out later who you're stuck with. Kristen aged 10.
WHAT IS THE BEST AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person
FOREVER by then. Camille aged 10.
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married. Freddie aged 6.
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF 2 PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids. Derrick aged 8.
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. Lori aged 8.
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even boys have something to say, if you
listen long enough. Lynnette aged 8.
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin 10.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT TURNED SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
columns. Craig aged 9.
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they are rich.
The law says you have to be 18 and I wouldn't want to mess
with that. Curt aged 7.
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
--Howard aged 8.
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It is better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them. Anita aged 9.
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T
There would be an awful lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
--- Kelvin age 8.
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a
truck. Ricky aged 10.
One from my friend Gina. Thank you for "Tragedy."
Julia Gillard was visiting a primary school and the class was in
the middle of a discussion of words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Ms Gillard if she would like to lead the
discussion on the word 'Tragedy.'
So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a
A little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who
lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs
over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"Incorrect," said Gillard, "That would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50
children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that
would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Gillard, That's what we would
refer to as a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered, as
Gillard searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of
Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand
and said: "If a plane carrying you and Mr. Rudd and Mr. Swan
and Mr Garrett was struck by "friendly fire" missile and blown
to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic," exclaimed Gillard, and can you tell me why that
would be a tragedy?"
"Well," said Johnny, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident
One from my friend in the U.K. Thank you Bikerbob.
Australian Lawyers Education.
The son of a rich farmer from outback Queensland goes off to
study Law at University. Not halfway through the semester he
has blown all of the money on the high city life.
He calls home, "Dad, you won't believe what modern education
is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane
Uni that can teach a dog to talk.
"Bloody amazing," his Dad says. Could we get Ol' Blue into
"No worries, just send him down here and $2000," the young
student says. "I'll get him into the program."
So father sends the dog down and the $2000.
About two thirds of the way through the semester the money
again runs out. The boy calls home, ""So how's ol' Blue going
son? his father wants to know.
"Awesome Dad. He'd talk ya bloody head off. But you won't
believe this. He's such a brilliant talker, they'd like him to
have a go in the reading class."
"Read?" exclaims the father."No kidding. I knew Ol' Blue
was smart. Can you get him in that program?"
"Just send $4500. He's as good as in."
As quick as the money is sent, it is spent.
At the end of the term, th
e young bloke realises a problem. When he goes home for
the holidays, his father will find out the dog can neither talk
nor read. So on the way home he stops and shoots the dog.
When he arrives home his father is all excited. "Where's
Ol' Blue? I can't wait to talk with him and see him read too.
"Dad, " the boy begins, it all had a bad outcome. Yesterday
morning just before we left for home, Ol/ Blue was reading
the Wall Street Journal. Out of nowhere, he turned to me
asked, "So is your Dad still shagging that little redhead
barmaid from the pub?"
The father groans and whispers, "I'll have to shoot him
before he blabs to your Mother."
"I already did that Dad.
The kid went on to become a successful lawyer.
Another from Bikerbob. Thanks.
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he
wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
Got an e mail from a bored local housewife, 43 who was
looking for some hot action. So I sent her my ironing
That'll keep the lazy woman busy.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.
Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what
they had in mind.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Bill woke up to
find himself next to a really ugly woman. That;s when he
realised he had made it home safely.
Paddy says to Mick, "ChrFriday this year." Mick said,
"Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, tool her
5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was Slovak.
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through
the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest, I only meant to rough him up a bit.
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes
a woman happy. Nothing.
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his Dad that
he has a part in the sch ool play and he was playing a man
who had been married for 25 years. The Dad says, "Never mind
son, maybe next year you will get a speaking part.
Just had my water bill of $175 drop on my mat. That's a lot.
Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just $1, a month
Time to change my supplier I think.
Two women called at my front door and asked what bread I ate.
When I said white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of
brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.
Last one tonight is from my good friend Warren in Q'ld. Thanks.
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,"Is it still
a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes that is one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb
to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went back to reading.."
A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father
is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the
temptation of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak
and broke my Faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking
for about 5 minutes.
Finally the rabbi said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich,
That is enough for this post my friends. Look after yourselves
and each other. Share a smile with someone who doesn't have
one and find some joy in every day. Love and best wishes to
you all. Cheers, Merle.
Post 724 ~ ~ ~ Thursday, 10th February, 2011.