Thursday, February 10, 2011

Growing Old.

Post 724 ~ ~ Thursday, 10th February, 2011.

Hello my friends ~ ~ I hope the world and the weather is treating you
all well after recent unusual weather. It is much better here, the floods
and fires in Western Australia that burnt 70 plus houses, are now all
under control. But with one heck of a lot of rebuilding to be done.
I am doing Ok, just do not do too much these days.



I took this photo of a shrub in my garden the other day. When I was
young all those years ago, we called it a Lasiandra. Now it is known
as a Tibouchiana or something like that. It has the loveliest purple
flowers all over it. I hope it enlarges for you to see.

The first item today came from my dear friend Patty in the U.S.
Thank you Patty ~ ~ these are too true to be funny.

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST
YOU'LL EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

Observations on Growing Older - - -
Your kids are becoming you . . and you don't like them . . but
your grandchildren are perfect.

Going out is good ~~ coming home is better.

When people say you look "Great" .. They add "for your age"

When you needed the discount, you paid full price. Now you get
discounts on everything...Movies, hotels, flights, but you're too
tired to use them.

You forget names.. But it's OK because other people forget they
even knew you.

The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 pounds and you have
a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

You realize you're never going to be good at anything....especially
golf.

Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't
remember.

The things you used to do, you no longer care to do, but you
really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV
blaring than he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep".

Remember when your mother said, "Wear clean underwear in
case you have an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear,
in case you HAVE an accident.

You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married"... Now you say
"I hope they STAY married."

You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON"
and "OFF" switch.

When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem. . .were unheard of, and
a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what" and "when?"

Now you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it.

Your husband has a night out with the guys.But he's home by 9pm.

You read 100 pages of a book before you realize you have read it.

Everybody whispers.

Now your husband has retired...you'd give anything if he'd get
a job.

But old is good in some things, Old songs. Old movies. And best
of all, OLD FRIENDS.

It is not what you gather. But what you scatter that tells
what kind of life you have lived.
<><>

Next one was sent by my son John. Thank you.
HOW TO DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (Written by kids.)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like sports,
she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming. Alan aged 10.

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all way before . . and you get to find
out later who you're stuck with. Kristen aged 10.

WHAT IS THE BEST AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person
FOREVER by then. Camille aged 10.

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married. Freddie aged 6.

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF 2 PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids. Derrick aged 8.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. Lori aged 8.

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even boys have something to say, if you
listen long enough. Lynnette aged 8.

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin 10.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT TURNED SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
columns. Craig aged 9.

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they are rich.

The law says you have to be 18 and I wouldn't want to mess
with that. Curt aged 7.

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
--Howard aged 8.

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It is better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them. Anita aged 9.

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T
GET MARRIED?
There would be an awful lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
--- Kelvin age 8.

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a
truck. Ricky aged 10.
<><>
One from my friend Gina. Thank you for "Tragedy."

Julia Gillard was visiting a primary school and the class was in
the middle of a discussion of words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Ms Gillard if she would like to lead the
discussion on the word 'Tragedy.'
So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a
'Tragedy.'

A little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who
lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs
over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"Incorrect," said Gillard, "That would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50
children drov
e over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that
would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Gillard, That's what we would
refer to as a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered, as
Gillard searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of
a tragedy?

Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand
and said: "If a plane carrying you and Mr. Rudd and Mr. Swan
and Mr Garrett was struck by "friendly fire" missile and blown
to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic," exclaimed Gillard, and can you tell me why that
would be a tragedy?"

"Well," said Johnny, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident
either."
<><>
One from my friend in the U.K. Thank you Bikerbob.
Australian Lawyers Education.
The son of a rich farmer from outback Queensland goes off to
study Law at University. Not halfway through the semester he
has blown all of the money on the high city life.

He calls home, "Dad, you won't believe what modern education
is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane
Uni that can teach a dog to talk.

"Bloody amazing," his Dad says. Could we get Ol' Blue into
the program?
"No worries, just send him down here and $2000," the young
student says. "I'll get him into the program."
So father sends the dog down and the $2000.

About two thirds of the way through the semester the money
again runs out. The boy calls home, ""So how's ol' Blue going
son? his father wants to know.

"Awesome Dad. He'd talk ya bloody head off. But you won't
believe this. He's such a brilliant talker, they'd like him to
have a go in the reading class."
"Read?" exclaims the father."No kidding. I knew Ol' Blue
was smart. Can you get him in that program?"

"Just send $4500. He's as good as in."
As quick as the money is sent, it is spent.

At the end of the term, th

e young bloke realises a problem. When he goes home for
the holidays, his father will find out the dog can neither talk
nor read. So on the way home he stops and shoots the dog.

When he arrives home his father is all excited. "Where's
Ol' Blue? I can't wait to talk with him and see him read too.

"Dad, " the boy begins, it all had a bad outcome. Yesterday
morning just before we left for home, Ol/ Blue was reading
the Wall Street Journal. Out of nowhere, he turned to me
asked, "So is your Dad still shagging that little redhead
barmaid from the pub?"

The father groans and whispers, "I'll have to shoot him
before he blabs to your Mother."

"I already did that Dad.
"Good boy."
The kid went on to become a successful lawyer.
<><>
Another from Bikerbob. Thanks.

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he
wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Got an e mail from a bored local housewife, 43 who was
looking for some hot action. So I sent her my ironing
That'll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.
Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what
they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Bill woke up to
find himself next to a really ugly woman. That;s when he
realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "ChrFriday this year." Mick said,
"Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, tool her
5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through
the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest, I only meant to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes
a woman happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his Dad that
he has a part in the sch ool play and he was playing a man
who had been married for 25 years. The Dad says, "Never mind
son, maybe next year you will get a speaking part.

Just had my water bill of $175 drop on my mat. That's a lot.
Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just $1, a month
Time to change my supplier I think.

Two women called at my front door and asked what bread I ate.
When I said white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of
brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.
<><>
Last one tonight is from my good friend Warren in Q'ld. Thanks.

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,"Is it still
a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes that is one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb
to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went back to reading.."

A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father
is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still v
ery much a part of our
Faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the
temptation of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak
and broke my Faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking
for about 5 minutes.

Finally the rabbi said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich,
doesn't it?"
<><>

That is enough for this post my friends. Look after yourselves
and each other. Share a smile with someone who doesn't have
one and find some joy in every day. Love and best wishes to
you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 724 ~ ~ ~ Thursday, 10th February, 2011.
<><><>



15 comments:

HOOTIN' ANNI said...

I love those purple flowers. Purple is a favorite color for me anyway...so naturally I'd love it.


PS...thanks so much for the birthday wishes and your visiting with me yesterday!!!

Theanne... said...

The purple flowers are beautiful! And the jokes hilarious...thanks for sharing!

Happy the weather in Australia is calming down a bit!

Gledwood said...

You're only as old as you feel, which makes me about 2 and a half today!

Glad the cyclones, bushfires and floods have calmed a bit. Bloody hell what next?

Peace and quiet for Australia hopefully!

Joy Des Jardins said...

I'm slowing down too Merle...mostly because my aches and pains make me. Love those gorgeous purple flowers.

Have a good weekend sweetie...Love, Joy

Big Dave T said...

Those purple flowers remind me of the super-petunias I planted on the side of our house. Isn't that a pretty color? Glad your weather is subsiding there. National news here this week carried a clip of the prime minister there in an emotional speech before the legislature there talking about what it meant to be an Australian during all the rough weather. Quite sad but still moving.

On the other hand, your jokes are funny as always. I liked the one about the guy roughed up by sand paper.

Dave said...

Glad to hear you're doing well Merle, and beautiful flowers!

Great jokes... especially the tragedy one! *S*

PEA said...

Happy Valentine's Day, dear Merle:-) Make sure you come over to pick up your Valentine!!

It does the heart good to see your gorgeous purple flowers...with over a foot of snow over here, there are no flowers to be seen! lol We've had such a frigid winter but this week it's supposed to be much milder, even going up to 9c by the weekend. A heat wave compared to what we've been having:-)

Omigosh, those observations on getting older are SO true!! Also love the ones written by kids...I love Freddie's answer! LOL

Take good care of yourself my friend, you're such a special lady. xoxo

Mountain Mama said...

Hello Merle. We are having strong winds tonight. Gusts 70 mph. Some rain too but I am tucked into my warm little cottage.
I loved your jokes, especially the one where kids tell about marriage. I copied that and sent to several friends & Family.
I am so glad all the trouble is done there and you are ok. Take care dear friend.
Hugs!

Lady Di Tn said...

Merle
Your flower is beautiful. I just love purple. The kids and lawyer jokes were so funny. Glad your side of the world is okay. We went from 7 degrees Friday morning to 65 degrees Sunday and all this week so far has been a Heavenly gift. Peace

Granny Annie said...

I have to agree that the growing old jokes were almost too true to be funny (but still funny:) One of my favorites was from bikerbob: Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he
wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary."

Merle Ill never find stuff funny enough to forward you but I'm sure glad others do. This is definitely one of my favorite stops.

Patty said...

Dear Merle, I'm back. LOL Don't know where the time goes, it seems I no more then set down at the computer and it's time to start dinner/supper, the hours between just seem to fly. But then I also have a lot of interruptions from the time I flip on my computer until I flip it off. (and believe me sometimes I do feel like FLIPPING IT OFF) LOL Like yesterday, I was doing my usual chores, plus laundry, then time to pick up the granddaughter, came back checked on roast in the oven (for supper), then remembered Abe had a doctor's appointment at 5:20, so off we went, didn't get back until 6:45 pm, daughter and granddaughter had all ready started to eat their dinner and I don't blame them. Then off to drugstore to get Abe's antibiotic, which hadn't arrived yet, it goes over the internet, so they called the doctor's office, she's right here in our town, she told them what it was, they had enough for two days and pharmacist will have more today, which means I will have to go back. By the time that was all done it was almost 8:30pm. And I still had a load of clothes that had to be thrown into the dryer. It seems for the past couple of weeks my days are like that, whether it's the laundry (for just Abe and me, daughter does hers and the granddaughters herself) or fixing meals, running the sweeper, running errands, grocery shopping or what have you, it just seems to take so long to get the job accomplished. Perhaps that's part of growing older, we just slow down. LOL I loved the little Johnny joke, but then I always thinks he's funny. And of course Biker Bob always has a few that I know must make some of the ladies upset, but they are still funny. I get emails from him and Sue also. Abe and I both got a chuckle about the priest and the rabbi. I read it to him. Keep up the funny post. Take care of yourself. Oh by the way, the flower is beautiful, but then I love violet, lavender and purple colored flowers.
Your friend, Patty

Ozkatt said...

Hi Merle. Love the tibouchina, the purple flowers are so vibrant. We have a couple of them here and they're also flowering at the moment. I have no idea why the name was changed, either.

I have a new blog, had no choice really but have explained why in the first post.

Glad you've survived all the awful weather we've had. It's not too bad today just the odd shower but we've had about three weeks of fine hot weather. About time is what I say.

Keep well

Hugs

Robyn

HORIZON said...

Good morn from Scotland dear Merle.
Just the perfect time for me to come in here and get my day off to a good start!
If you don't mind could l borrow the first joke for my blog- too funny and TRUE!!
I laughed out loud at, "Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a
truck. Ricky aged 10."
Where do these kids get these ideas!! lol

I am so glad that the weather has settled down a bit for you there- l hope things start to look up.
Take care ((Merle)) xx :)

Margaret Cloud said...

The flowers are a refreshing sight. Very funny ones from the kids. I enjoyed the jokes, especially the Rabbi and Priest. Our snow is melting and the built up ice on the roof let loose with a heck of a thump. Have a nice weekend.

audrey` said...

The purple flowers are so gorgeous. The colour is so rich =)