Friday, February 18, 2011

Future Minister.

Post 725 ~ ~ ~ Saturday, 19th February, 2011.

Hello Everyone ~~ I hope the world is treating you all well with improved
weather, and good health and happiness. I am doing OK except for a
major lack of energy at present. Our weather has been reasonable and
summer will be over in a fortnight.

I sometimes come across unusual pictures and the first one is surely
one of the most unusual.


I can't imagine how that was done, but thought it may interest some of you.

The next picture and joke came from my friend Margaret in Queensland.
Thanks Margaret.
It is called Truck for Sale.



A sixteen year old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his
parents began to yell and scream. "Where did you get that truck???
He calmly told them "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet
Avalanche cost.
"Well," said the boy, this one cost me fifteen dollars." So his parents began
to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?"

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name - they
just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked if I wanted to
buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh, my goodness," moaned the mother," she must be a child abuser. Who
knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's
going on." So the father walked up the street to the
house where the lady
lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias.

He introduce himself as the father of the boy to whom she sold a new
Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. (I thought
he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii
with his mistress and wasn't coming back."

He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new
Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money,

"So I did."
<><>

My friend Linda May sent me the next one. Thank you Linda.

A smile - is a sign of joy.
A hug - is a sign of love.
A laugh - is a sign of happiness.

And a friend like me??
Hell....that's just a sign of good taste!!

We'll be friends until we are old and senile. Then we'll be new friends.
<><>

My U.K. friend Bikerbob sent these actual American Court conversations.
Thank you.

Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that day?
Witness: He said, "Where am I Cathy?
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what way does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old if he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at the time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: How many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8.30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
<><>
A short Mountain Wings joke, the title of this post - Future Minister.

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced
to his mother. "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

"That's OK with us, but what made you decide that?"

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday, anyway, and I
figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than just sit there and listen."
<><>

Two businessmen in the city were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be
new shop... As the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves up. One said
to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put
his face in the window, and ask what we are selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when sure enough, a curious old
woman walked to the window, had a peek and in a soft voice asked, "What
are you selling here?"

"Imbeciles," one of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling Imbeciles."
Without skipping a beat, the old woman said, "Must be doing well --- Only
two left."
<><>

Thank you Barbara for the next one.

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making
her rounds visiting home-bound patients, when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The
attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out.
She could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the
way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted
the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station and
filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from
across the street.. One of them turned to the other and said,

"If it starts, I.m turning Catholic.:
<><>
Thank you Gina for this next one A flood story.

During a recent flood in a small town, a young girl was perched on the top of
a roof with a little boy. As they sat watching articles float by in the water,
they noticed an old hat go past.

Suddenly, the hat turned and came back, then turned around and went
downstream. After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back,
They watched as it did this a number of times.

"Do you see that ?" said the girl in amazement. "First it goes downstream
and then it come
s back again."

"Oh, that's nothing. It's only my Dad," replied the boy. "This morning
my Mom said that come hell or high water, he had to mow the lawn
today.
<><>
A few quotes for those who like quotes . . . .

Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much. ~Helen Keller.

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot
to the town Gossip. ~ ~ Will Rogers.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are
busy driving taxi-cabs and cutting hair. ~ ~ George Burns.

if you are ever going to see a rainbow, you have got to stand a little
rain. ~ ~ Anonymous.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or
even touched. They must be felt with the heart. ~~Helen Keller.

People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the
sun is out, but when darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed
only if there is a light from within. ~~Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.
<><>

Well that is all there is for this post. Did I hear someone say "Thank
Goodness?" Take care of yourselves and each other my friends.
Enjoy something beautiful every day of your lives. My love and
best wishes to you all, Cheers, Merle.

Post 725 ~~~ Saturday, 19th February, 2011.
<><><>



20 comments:

Gledwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gledwood said...

Is that the Prime Minister of Australia. Last time I saw her she was whacking up taxes and looked like she was about to have kittens hersef... (oops, hope I'm not being too political here: I loathe politicians of all persuasions)...!#



Ukh I posted twice. 1st time I missed the R off "minister", how typical

Janice said...

Hi Merle,

I hope you feel a little better soon. We're still in our winter weather with a rain storm on top of us.

I loved the real quotes from American courts systems. I really must buy that book.

Take care,
Janice~

Jack K. said...

Merle, glad to know you are feeling better. However, a major lack of energy is not fun. I'm sending you some positive energy right now.

That is one UGLY cat. It's amazing what can be done with photo-shop.

Loved the jokes. The one about attorneys is making the rounds again. I just got them yesterday in an email. Still, they are funny. I wonder how true? hmmm?

Take care.

Gina E. said...

Hi Merle, funny you should mention a lack of energy; I've just posted on my blog about hating the high humidity because it saps my energy. Thank goodness summer is nearly over, although it has been a weird summer, hasn't it? Heaps of rain, not many nice 'lazy summer days' the way the weather used to be. It's getting more like Darwin every day in Melbourne.

jel said...

howdy Merle,

Hope ya get too feeling better!

thanks for the jokes :)


huggs

Big Dave T said...

Wasn't me. I said, "Is that all there is this week?"

I've got an attorney/court quote too. Doing this from memory so it might not be too accurate but here goes:

ATTORNEY: And doctor you were sure the man was dead.
DOCTOR: Yes, he was dead.
ATTORNEY: And how do you know he was dead?
DOCTOR: Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.
ATTORNEY: But could he still have been living?
DOCTOR: I suppose he still could have been out practicing law somewhere.

Patty said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Patty said...

Good afternoon Merle, have a chicken roasting for supper/dinner tonight. Right at the moment I am so sleepy, I may just have to take a snort nap. Only thing is, it might interfere with my night sleep. Liked them all, Abe and I both got a kick out of the man mowing, come hell or high water, but I especially like this one. A smile - is a sign of joy.
A hug - is a sign of love.
A laugh - is a sign of happiness.
And a friend like me??
Hell....that's just a sign of good taste!!
We'll be friends until we are old and senile. Then we'll be new friends.
Have a good evening, more later. Patty

audrey` said...

Thank you so much for all your prayers support for the past many years. Really appreciate them. Take care, Merle (((HUGS)))

Peter said...

Sorry Merle I can only access your blog not emails or pictures, if you post the valentines message as a normal post I'll swap it to your awards or sidebar.

Lady Di Tn said...

Merle
The cat is Probably another computer magic act. It is amazing what they can do with computers. The attorney jokes were hilarious and the truck for sale priceless. Hope you continue to have nice weather. We have had a nice week of it and I picked butter cups this morning. When they open up I will take pictures. Peace

Beth E. said...

Great jokes, as always, Merle! I especially liked "Truck for Sale". Thanks for the much-needed laughs.

Love you...

Rob said...

By the look of our floor sometimes I think we have a dog like that cat judging by the number of muddy foot prints they leave.

Joy Des Jardins said...

I haven't had a whole lot of energy lately either Merle; besides the usual aches and pains....I'm blaming the weather. All of our huge mounds of snow have melted; but we got another dusting yesterday and this morning...hardly anything. We sure need a shot of Spring...and fast.

That cat is very weird. Someone had fun with Photo Shop, didn't they?

Take care sweetie....hope your energy comes back...and mine too. Love, Joy

Dave said...

Beautiful post Merle... wonderful jokes too! *S*

Sorry your energy level is down.. hopefully it comes back soon.

Margaret Cloud said...

Poor kitty. Can you imagine buying such a nice car so cheap. One time when I was first married my husband called me by his first wife's name, made me so mad. These were very funny, enjoyed them all.

HORIZON said...

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or
even touched. They must be felt with the heart. ~~Helen Keller.
I've got this quote on a fridge magnet.
Sorry to hear you're lacking in energy. If l had some to spare l'd send it over :)
I've been babysitting my wee granddaughter and l'd forgotten how tiring it can be!
Thinking of you Merle
xx

Jim said...

Hi Merle, we too are 'visiting' our grandchildren, KP ansd BP, and their parents, Karen and Billy. Of course a 'little' babysitting comes with that.

I liked all your jokes today. The Twop Imbeciles is precious, the gas in the bed pan is hillarious, the lawyer jokes are so funny, and you wisdom is precious.

I do hope things cool a little for you and that you can get some energy back real soon.
Cheers,
..

Pamela said...

thanks for the smiles this morning Merle!