Post 746 ~~~ Sunday, 31st July, 2011.
Hello Everyone ~~ I hope you are all doing well and enjoying your lives.
I am doing well at present. My son Geoff and his wife Joanne came to
visit on Friday night and then we went to Bunnings and bought a few
flowers to brighten the garden. Geoff then planted them for me.
Thankfully two months of our Winter have gone, only one to go.
I have had a lemon tree for years that has awful long spines (thorns)
on it and NO lemons, so being an optimist, I bought another without
the spines. Then Geoff decided to cut the spines off the original and
said for me to give it one more year. So now I have two lemon trees
and still no lemons. I hope to eventually get some in my lifetime.
My son in law has gone off for a month's overseas trip to visit his
mother, brothers and sisters in Holland. I am glad to say that their
eldest son is coming home for a month to help Kathy milk and do the
farm work. He works on a farm six hours away and the crops are all
sown and the sheep shorn etc, so he is able to have the month off.
Apparently small things amuse small minds as I tell a joke on myself.
Kathy rang me the other day, when she was lying on the floor doing
Pilates. She is such a busy person and works very hard, so the thought
of her lying around makes me smile. Mind you, if I got on the floor
for any reason, I would not be able to get up, without help.
Kathy's eighteen year old daughter, Kristen is coming to visit me
tomorrow to take me to the cardiologist at 4 pm. So it will be lovely
to have company tomorrow night after we see what he has to say.
My brother, Peter has been feeling a bit down, after the optometrist
said glasses would not help his vision at present. How precious our
sight is. His son Marcus was visiting, so that would brighten his day.
Well I guess it is time to find some stories and jokes. First one is
from my friend of long standing, Barbara. Thank you for this one.
Explanation of God.
It was written by an 8 year old named Danny Dutton, who lives in
Chula Vista, CA, He wrote it for his 3rd grade homework assignment,
to explain God. I wonder if any of us could have done as well.
"One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace
the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things
on Earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because
they are smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn't have to take
up his valuable time teaching them to walk and talk. He can just leave
that to mothers and fathers.
God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of
this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things pray at times
besides bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV
because of this. Because he hears everything, there must be a terrible lot
of noise in his ears, unless he has thought of a way to turn it off.
God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps
him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting his time by going over your
mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.
Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any
in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church.
Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water
and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want
to learn about God. They finally got tired of him preaching to them and
they crucified him. But he was good and kind, like his father, and told his
father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them
and God said. O.K.
His dad (God) appreciated everything that he had done and all his hard
work on earth so he told him he didn't have to go out on the road any
more. He could stay in heaven. So he did. And now he helps his dad out
by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God
to take care of and which ones he can take care of himself without having
to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important.
You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because
they get it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.
You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God
happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God.
Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like
going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't
come out at the beach until noon anyway.
If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be
very lonely,because your parents can't go everywhere with you,
like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you
when you're scared, in the dark, or when you can't swim and you
get thrown into real deep water by big kids.
But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you.
I figure God put me here and he can take me back any time he
And ... that's why I believe in God."
First joke tonight is from my dear friend Jeanette. Thanks Jan.
Thank God someone brought this to my attention !!
HEY -- WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME THIS EARLIER?
I finally figured it out. It's the shampoo I use in the shower.
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body.
Printed very clearly on the shampoo label it reads:
"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
I have gotten rid of the shampoo and I am going to start using
Trix detergent. It's label reads:
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Phew . . . . It sure pays to read the label.
My son John sent The new version of The Three Bears Story. Thanks.
A far more accurate account of that fateful morning . . . . .
Baby Bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He
looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?"
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the
kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go
through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy
Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the
dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy
Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went
out in the cold early morning to fetch the newspaper and croissants.
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
It was Mummy Bear who walked the dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray,
gave them their food, and refilled their water.
And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bodies downstairs and
grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because
I am only going to say this once . . . . .
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE FLAMING PORRIDGE YET."
Some short Irish jokes. . . . .
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million
tons of sand from the Arabs and they are going to drill their own oil well.
My mate Paddy's missus left him last Thursday. She said she was going
out for a pint of milk and never came back.
I asked him how he was coping and he said, "Not bad, I've been using
that powdered stuff."
The police came to the front door of Patrick's house last night holding
a picture of his wife. They said, "Is this your wife sir?"
Shocked, he answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
He said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road. The first one picks it up and
says, "Blow me, I know that face, but I can't put a name to it."
The second picks it up and says, "You daft man, it's me."
Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by
his feet. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself." Paddy replies. The rope should be around your
neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."
Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house. Paddy
picks up a nail, realizes it's upside down and throws it away. He keeps
on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"
"Because they are upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save them for the ceiling."
One from my Queensland friend Robyn. Thank you.
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly
Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked "What all
those clocks?" St Peter answered, Those clocks are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time
you lie, the hands on your clock move."
"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's" said St Peter. The hands have never moved,
indicating that she has never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man, "And whose clock is that one?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling
us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Julia Gillard's clock?" asked the man.
St Peter replied, "We are using it as a ceiling fan."
A few more short ones from my cousin in New Zealand. Thanks Karyn.
A little boy went up to his father and asked where he got his intelligence
from. The father replied, "Well son, you must have got it from your
mother, 'cause I've still got mine.
'Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court
Judge said, 'and I have decided to give your wife $750 a week.
That's very fair, your honor," the husband said, "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
of bathing suits. It had been a t least ten years and twenty pounds
since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so asked my husband
"What do you think?" Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied, "You'd never get it all-in-one."
He is still in intensive care."
The graveside service just barely finished when there was a massive
clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,
accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
Well, enough for tonight my friends, it is time to say Goodnight.
Take good care of yourselves and each other and enjoy life in general.
My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.
Post 746 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 31st July, 2011.