Post 745 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 24th July, 2011.
Hello My Friends ~~I hope you are all doing well and enjoying the
warmer weather and hope it isn't too hot for you. We have had some nice
days lately, but not very warm temperatures. More cold ahead of us too.
I am feeling OK, but apparently my heart rate is much too slow, so I have
to see a Cardiologist on 1st August, so we will wait and see what that
brings. The thought of more surgery if a pace-maker is needed is not
something I want to even think about. They tell me that it is only a day
procedure -- but I have heard that before and was away over a month.
I will try not to worry until I find out what is doing.
Well I had a lovely visit from my oldest cousin, Edna, who is called Ticky.
Apparently when she was a baby and listened to her father's pocket watch
and said Tick Tick, and for the rest of her life she was known as Ticky.
She is 90 years old and keeps pretty well and I haven't seen her since our
reunion in 2004. She is staying with her granddaughter Julie in Benalla
and Julie brought her to see me which we all enjoyed. We had a nice
afternoon tea and lots of talk. Naturally we took some photos.
I was so happy to see her and to meet Julie. It was nice that Ticky
asked to come and see me. She kept telling me to sit down. And she
is the one who is ninety. !!!
Now to find some jokes and stories for you.
In honor of Ticky and other 90 year olds, the first item was sent by
my son John and written by 90 year old Regina Brett from Cleveland
Ohio. She writes : "To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons
life taught me. It is the most requested column I have ever written."
!. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your
friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting from your first pay-check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It is OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their
journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry.
God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one
is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, never take No
for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't
save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness, but you.
26. Frame every so called disaster with these words 'in five years will
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you
did or did not do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that really matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's
we'd grab ours back.
41, Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up,, dress up and show up.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
There are some really good ideas in those 45. I hope you enjoyed it.
It was quite long, but very good. Thanks John.
First joke came from my English friend, Biker Bob. Thanks.
It is called "Traffic Camera."
She was driving when she saw the flash of a traffic camera.
She figured that her picture had been taken for exceeding
the limit even though she knew she had not been speeding.
Just to be sure, she went around the block and passed the
same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera
flashed. Now she began to think that this was quite funny,
so she drove even slower as she passed the area once more,
but the traffic camera flashed again.
She tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and
was now laughing as the camera flashed while she rolled
past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, she got five tickets in the mail for driving
without a seat belt.
You can't fix stupid.
Next one from my Canberra friend Linda. Thank you.
A mother took her five year old son with her to the bank
on a busy afternoon.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a busiess suit
complete with a pager.
After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said
loudly, "Wow, She's fat."
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear
to be quiet.
A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched
his arms out as far as they would go and announced,"I'll bet
her bum is this wide."
The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy. The
mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the
queue. Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your life, she's reversing !!"
Another one from Linda. Many thanks, my friend.
This one is more for Australians.
A man applying for a job at a Mildura Lemon Orchard seemed
to be too well qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this. Have
you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
He replied, "I've been divorced three times, bought a
Leyland P76, a Beta video player and took up all the Telstra
floats. Then I voted for Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard. How am
I going so far?"
Some short Church Bulletin jokes from my good friend Gina.
The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water' The
sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get
rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
Don't let worry kill you off ~~ let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will never pass this way again'
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to
be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope with the deceased
person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.
The pastor would appreiate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend their electric girdles for the pancake
breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 pm.
Please use the back door.
This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn singing in the park
across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm at the church. Please use
large double door at the side entrance.
One quick one from my cousin in New Zealand. Thanks Karyn.
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse
appears and asks how he is feeling.
"I'm OK. But I didn't like the four letter words the doctor
used in surgery.
"What did he say?" asked the nurse.
Well that is enough for this post my friends. I hope something
brought a smile. Look after yourselves and each other,
Love and Best wishes to you all, and those who are unwell
may you soon recover and enjoy life again. Cheers, Merle.
Post 745 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 24th July, 2011.