Sunday, July 17, 2011

The Yellow Light.

Post 744 ~ ~ ~ Sunday 17th July, 2011.

Hello Everyone ~~ It is a cold wet day here in Shepparton, so indoors is
definitely the way to go. I hope it is nicer where you are and not too hot
or too cold. Also I hope you are all well and happy. I am quite well and
still doing exercises to improve the walking. I see my doctor tomorrow
and then shop on Tuesday with my carer Kaye. So I am happy enough.

John went motor cycle riding on Friday and I was relieved as always, when
he rings to say he is home. I know he is careful, but one doesn't know just
what others will do. His youngest daughter, Rachael is going to have her
second child on 28th of this month -- a boy named Riley. A bit different
to the old days when we didn't know the sex, or name baby before.
Apparently Riley is a very big baby, thus the C section.

Now for some jokes - -The first one was sent by my dear friend Lady Di.
It is called "The Yellow Light." Many thanks Dianne.

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,stopping
at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration as she missed her chan
ce to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked
up into the face of a very serious Police officer. The officer ordered her to
exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a
policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted
back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with
her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you
and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the "What would Jesus Do"
bumper sticker, the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "Follow Me
to Sunday-School" bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian Fish
emblem on the trunk . . . .

.... so naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."
<><>

The next one will make the ladies shudder a little. It was sent by my
cousin in New Zealand. Thank you Karyn. A bit scary !!
It is called "Mammogram Court Case."

While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a lady,
who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say,
"Your Honor, I'm guilty but .. there were extenuating circumstances."

The female judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those
extenuating circumstances." I did too, so I listened as the lady told
her story.

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept.
I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear
and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi, I'm Belinda. All
I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist,
then slip on the gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda
then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left
and said, "Hmmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in
a tad so we can get everything?" Fine I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining
circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a
holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged
between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and
felt a zap.!!

Complete darkness, the power was off.

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag."
Then she headed for the door.

"Excuse me. You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?" I
shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide
open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout NOOOO she disappeared. And that's how Bubba
and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire" found me..half-naked
with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part
smashed between glass.

After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba
(or possibly Earl) asked to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power
was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness
as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."

"OK. you take care now" Bubba replied and waved goodbye as though
I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making
no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh, I am sooo
sorry. The power came back on and I totally forgot about you.!!
And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that Your Honor is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps ...."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said, "Case Dismissed."
<><>

One from another cousin Carol, called Alzheimers. Thanks Carol.

Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a
nursing home.

When an old Grandpa walked by.

And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell you
exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There's no way you can guess it, you old fools."

"Sure we can -- Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell
your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he
dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to
jump up and down several times. Then they all said, "You're 87 years old."

Standing with his pants around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the
world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies yelled
in unison . . .

"We were at your birthday party yesterday."
<><>

One from Mountain Wings. "Mr.Crow and Mr. Rabbit."

Mr Rabbit was walking down the road when he spotted a crow at the
tiptop of a very tall tree. He shouted, "Good morning, Mr. Crow?

Mr. Crow shouted back, "Good morning Mr. Rabbit."

Mr. Rabbit shouted "Whatcha doin' today?" and the answer shouted back
down was "Absolutely nothin' Mr. Rabbit. Absoutely nothin' and loving it"

Well that sounded good to Mr. Rabbit, so he shouted back up, "Do you think
I could do that too?"

Mr. Crow shouted back down, "I don't see why not."
So Mr. Rabbit lay down on the side of the road and began doing Absolutely
nothing.

In 30 minutes a fox came along and ate him.

The moral of the story is: You can get away with doing absolutely
nothing, but only if you are really high up.
<><>

Another one from Lady Di which I liked and is so clever. Thanks again.

After being married for thirty years.. a wife asked her husband to
describe her.

He looked at her slowly.. then said, "You're A B C D E F G H I J K."

She asked , "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy,
Gorgeous, Hot."

She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's lovely.. What about I J K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding."

His eye is still swollen ... but it will get better.
<><>

Well the time has come to say Goodnight my friends. Take really good
care of yourselves and each other. Find some joy in each and every day.
My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 744 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 17th July, 2011.
<><><>



13 comments:

Granny Annie said...

Glad to hear another good report on your health. So proud of your walking. That is the best thing you can do for yourself.

Do you miss the good old days of surprise as to gender until the child is born?

Sometimes I want to put the mammogram tech's head in the vise just for general reasons.

We never put any type of bumper stickers on our vehicles. Sounds like that is a good idea. LOL

Jack K. said...

Merle,

Good to know that you are mending so well. I understand how cold, wet days require one to remain indoors. Right now, here in Kansas, we are experiencing very hot, dry weather. Heat indexes will be above 100 degrees F. That requires indoor activities.

My wife and I both laughed heartily at the mammogram court case. I had seen the one about the yellow light before and it is still funny. As for the guessing of another's age, I will have to be careful should I ever live in a nursing home.

Take care dear friend.

Big Dave T said...

Quite hot here, some say the hottest in years. Three cheers for air conditioning . . . at work, at home, in the car.

My wife and I are off early from work today, preparing to go up north. My grandmother died over the weekend, she was 99 years old.

Your jokes seemed funnier than usual, or maybe I just appreciate the humor more today. I passed a couple along to my wife and she appreciated them too.

Rosezilla said...

Another day brightener, Merle! I'd say the mammogram tech is lucky, because it would have been justifiable homicide! Just another reason why I haven't submitted to a mammogram. That's pretty good about the yellow light too. My mother in law once ran a yellow light because the policeman behind her was going so fast she was afraid he'd hit her if she didn't. So instead he pulled her over and yelled at her about it!

Sue said...

Sweet Merle You made me laugh today, A laugh I very much needed. Love you from the USA. Wish I could see Australia, bet it is a site to behold.

Lady Di Tn said...

Thanks for sharing my funny emails with others. I am glad you are doing fine with exercise etc. When my brother had a bike, I knew he was careful but like you I worried about the other drivers. We are staying in because of the heat in the south. We had the hottest June on record and looks like we might break more records. Mimi is coming along with her exercises too. Peace and Love

Jan said...

Merle, it is always such a pleasure to visit your blog. I am so happy that you get better and better. I wish that I had just half of your attitude on being happy in this life. You are a true inspiration to me~~~
Jan

Margaret Cloud said...

Gld you are improving and glad John got back saft. Very funny post, especially the the Mammogram and the Granny ones. We are in a heat wave, very hot, almost 100 degrees.

Dave said...

Great jokes today Merle, and very happy you're still feeling well! *Smile*

Patty said...

Good evening, another HOT day here in Ohio. Right at the moment, at 7:45pm it is still 95 degrees F. Very humid, which makes it feel even hotter. Tomorrow have to go with one daughter for her MRI and Scan of the kidney they reconstructed. Surgeon wants to make sure it hasn't died, if it has, he will have to remove it. But we're hoping and prayer it is OK and working just fine.I'm going to drive her, since she had a reaction to the dye the last time, this time she's suppose to take some medication before hand but she's not sure how she might react, so I am going with here. We have to be there at 7:30am. More later, take care, hope all is well with you and hope your brother Peter is doing well. Love, Patty

Kerri said...

Hello dear Merle! Thanks so much for the birthday wishes. It was a very happy day with lots of e-mails, several phone calls, and a surprise visit from our younger daughter :)
I'm glad to hear you are well and happy.
We've been having an awful heat wave but tonight is a little cooler and we're thanking the good Lord for that!
I've hardly watered the garden beds at all...mostly just containers and hanging baskets. I'm amazed that the flowers continue to bloom in this hot, dry weather.
I enjoyed your jokes, as usual. They always bring a smile :)
I hope and pray all goes well for Rachael with the birth of her child.
xox

Faye said...

Hi Merle, I have found your blog via Jan (from my park bench). We are the same age so I really enjoy your jokes. I laughed so hard. Keep it up. We all need a little levity in our lives.

audrey` said...

Congratulations on the arrival of Riley :)