Post 744 ~ ~ ~ Sunday 17th July, 2011.
Hello Everyone ~~ It is a cold wet day here in Shepparton, so indoors is
definitely the way to go. I hope it is nicer where you are and not too hot
or too cold. Also I hope you are all well and happy. I am quite well and
still doing exercises to improve the walking. I see my doctor tomorrow
and then shop on Tuesday with my carer Kaye. So I am happy enough.
John went motor cycle riding on Friday and I was relieved as always, when
he rings to say he is home. I know he is careful, but one doesn't know just
what others will do. His youngest daughter, Rachael is going to have her
second child on 28th of this month -- a boy named Riley. A bit different
to the old days when we didn't know the sex, or name baby before.
Apparently Riley is a very big baby, thus the C section.
Now for some jokes - -The first one was sent by my dear friend Lady Di.
It is called "The Yellow Light." Many thanks Dianne.
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,stopping
at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked
up into the face of a very serious Police officer. The officer ordered her to
exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a
policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted
back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with
her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you
and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the "What would Jesus Do"
bumper sticker, the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "Follow Me
to Sunday-School" bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian Fish
emblem on the trunk . . . .
.... so naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."
The next one will make the ladies shudder a little. It was sent by my
cousin in New Zealand. Thank you Karyn. A bit scary !!
It is called "Mammogram Court Case."
While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a lady,
who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say,
"Your Honor, I'm guilty but .. there were extenuating circumstances."
The female judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those
extenuating circumstances." I did too, so I listened as the lady told
"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept.
I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear
and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi, I'm Belinda. All
I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist,
then slip on the gown. Everything clear?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda
then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left
and said, "Hmmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in
a tad so we can get everything?" Fine I answered.
I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining
circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a
holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged
between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and
felt a zap.!!
Complete darkness, the power was off.
Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag."
Then she headed for the door.
"Excuse me. You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?" I
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide
open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
Before I could shout NOOOO she disappeared. And that's how Bubba
and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire" found me..half-naked
with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part
smashed between glass.
After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba
(or possibly Earl) asked to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness
as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."
"OK. you take care now" Bubba replied and waved goodbye as though
I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making
no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh, I am sooo
sorry. The power came back on and I totally forgot about you.!!
And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that Your Honor is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps ...."
The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said, "Case Dismissed."
One from another cousin Carol, called Alzheimers. Thanks Carol.
Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a
When an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell you
exactly how old you are."
The old man said, "There's no way you can guess it, you old fools."
"Sure we can -- Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell
your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he
dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to
jump up and down several times. Then they all said, "You're 87 years old."
Standing with his pants around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the
world did you guess?"
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies yelled
in unison . . .
"We were at your birthday party yesterday."
One from Mountain Wings. "Mr.Crow and Mr. Rabbit."
Mr Rabbit was walking down the road when he spotted a crow at the
tiptop of a very tall tree. He shouted, "Good morning, Mr. Crow?
Mr. Crow shouted back, "Good morning Mr. Rabbit."
Mr. Rabbit shouted "Whatcha doin' today?" and the answer shouted back
down was "Absolutely nothin' Mr. Rabbit. Absoutely nothin' and loving it"
Well that sounded good to Mr. Rabbit, so he shouted back up, "Do you think
I could do that too?"
Mr. Crow shouted back down, "I don't see why not."
So Mr. Rabbit lay down on the side of the road and began doing Absolutely
In 30 minutes a fox came along and ate him.
The moral of the story is: You can get away with doing absolutely
nothing, but only if you are really high up.
Another one from Lady Di which I liked and is so clever. Thanks again.
After being married for thirty years.. a wife asked her husband to
He looked at her slowly.. then said, "You're A B C D E F G H I J K."
She asked , "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy,
She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's lovely.. What about I J K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding."
His eye is still swollen ... but it will get better.
Well the time has come to say Goodnight my friends. Take really good
care of yourselves and each other. Find some joy in each and every day.
My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.
Post 744 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 17th July, 2011.