Post 769 ~ ~ ~ Sunday 26th February, 2012.
Hello my dear Friends ~ ~ I do hope all is well with you and that life
is good and your health as well as can be expected. I am going OK
and my doctor was happy with all the blood tests etc - even the
diabetes is all right at present and no tablets, and he has changed
one tablet for pain which I hope will be better.
My Physio-therapist recommended that I get a different chair to
improve my posture and hopefully ease the pain. What we used to
call a bridge chair, now is a Kingston chair. My son, John took me
to get it yesterday and installed it and moved my easy chair aside.
So I am still getting used to it and hoping it will work out well. My
doctor also agreed that it would be a good idea.
First item is called "Shirley and Marcy" and my dear friend Barbara
sent this one to me. Thanks Barbara.
A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son, Timmy,
walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him.
She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence
but yet know that he was safe. So she had an idea of how to handle it.
She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the
mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.
The neighbor said since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it
would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so
The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following
being Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he
knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs. Timmy's
little friend noticed that the same lady was following them as she
seemed to do every day all week.
Finally she said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following
us to school all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."
The little girl said, "Well, who is she?"
That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied, "and her little
girl is Marcy . . ."
"Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us?"
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mum makes me say
the 23rd Psalm with my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much
And in the Psalm, it says, Shirley Goodnest (surely goodness) and
Marcy (mercy) shall follow me all the days of my life, so I guess
I will just have to get used to it."
The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon
you; the Lord lift His countenance upon you, and give you peace.
May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always.
Another one from Barbara. called "Mayday, Mayday." Thank you.
A blonde is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly
the pilot dies.
Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.
"Mayday Mayday. My pilot just died."
Ground control receive her call for help and answers back, "Don't
worry, madam. I'll talk you down. Just do as I say. First I need
you to give me your height and position."
"I'm 5 foot 2 and sitting in the right front seat."
Ground control, "Repeat after me, Our Father... who art in
Next one was sent by my cousin Bill. Thank you for "Places
I have and have not been."
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes
I have however been in Sane. They don't have an airport there
you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there,
thanks to my family, friends and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and
I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also benn in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I
try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to
Sometimes, I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense. It really gets
the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart. At my age
I need all the stimuli I can get.
And sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.
I have been in Deepshit many times. The older I get, the easier
iit is to get there.
Another cousin David sent the next one just called "Senior"
Thank you David.
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other
on a long flight. The lawyer thinking that seniors are so dumb
that he could get one over them so easily.
So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely
declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying the game is a lot of fun.... I ask you
a question and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00.
Then you ask me a question and if I don't know the answer, I
will pay you $500.00.
This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet
he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the
Earth to the moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls
out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer "What goes up a
hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find
on the Net. He sends e mails to all the smart friends he knows,
all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets
the money and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer, He wakes the
senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up the hill with three
legs and comes down with four?"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00 and
goes back to sleep.
Don't mess with seniors !!!
One from Mountain Wings called "The Only Ones."
A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the
Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung
over and tired, he finally nods off.
The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his
apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon,
the priest decides to make an example of him.
He says to the congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in
heaven, please stand. The whole room stands up except of course
the sleeping man.
Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like
to find a place in hell, please STAND UP."
The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up.
Confused and embarrassed he says,
"I don't know what we're voting for here, Father, but it sure seems
like you and me are the only ones standing for it.
Another Mountain Wings one called "Read the Label First"
Some actual product warning labels.
On the bottle-top of a UK flavoured milk drink --
After opening, keep upright. (duh)
In a US guide to setting up a new computer. TO AVOID CONDENSATION
FORMING> ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE
BEFORE OPENING Makes sense..except these instructions were in the box.
On a New Zealand insect spray --
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
In some countries on the bottom of Coke bottles - Open other end.
On a Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding --
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING
On a Korean kitchen knife --WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts --
INSTRUCTIONS OPEN PACKET EAT NUTS.
On a child's Superman costume --
Wearing of this GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
A Pearly Gates one called "Aunt Karen."
he teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment - get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The
next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer, and we have a lot of egg-laying
hens. One time when we were taking our eggs to market in a
basket on the front seat when the car hit a bump in the road and
all the eggs went flying and made a mess." What is the moral of the
story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket." "Very good", said teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers
too, but we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen
eggs one time but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks.
ad the moral of this story is Don't count your chickens before
they are hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my Daddy told me the story of my Aunt Karen. She was a
Flight Engineer in the Gulf war and her plane was hit. She had to bail
out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey
a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way
down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle
of a hundred enemy troops.
She killed seventy with the machine gun
and then ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the
machete until the blade broke. She killed the last ten with her bare
"Good grief," said the horrified teacher, what kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
Final one is another Pearly Gates item called "Coyote Solution."
Environmentalists and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting
an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and
true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the
environmentalists had a more 'humane' solution to this issue.
What they were proposing was for the animals to be caught
alive. The males would be castrated and let loose again.
All the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple
of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in
the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back
and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here.
These coyotes ain't having sex with our sheep... they're eating
The meeting never really got back in order.
Time to say farewell for this post. I hope you found something
to smile about. My opinion of the chair is that it is a little better
but not a lot. But here's hoping it gets better with use.
Take good care of yourselves my friends, and each other.
My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.
Post 769 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 26th February, 2012.