Sunday, March 25, 2012

Laws of Life..

Post 774 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 25th March, 2012.

Hello my dear friends -- It is so nice to be back with you, so nice to be
anywhere. I hope your lives are going just as you'd like and there is
much happiness in your homes. I am doing well and feeling much better.
The leg is not so painful this last few days, so I am glad about that,
and I know there are folks lots worse off than me. Keep cheerful and
do any exercises prescribed as they do help. Keeping you all on my
mind and in my prayers.

First cab off the rank today is "Laws of Life." sent to me by my dear
friend Lady Di. Thank you so much Dianne.

Law of Mechanical Repair -- After your hands become coated with
grease, your nose will itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity --Any tool, nut, bolt,screw when dropped will roll to
the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability -- The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers -- If you dial a wrong number, you never
get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Supermarket Law -- As soon as you get in the smallest line, the
cashier will have to call for help.

Variation Law -- If you change lines (or traffic lines) the one you
were in will always move faster than the one you were in.

Law of the Bath -- When the body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters --The probability of meeting someone
you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you
don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result -- When you try to prove to someone that a
machine won't work, it will.

Law of bio mechanics -- The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.

Law of Theater and Hockey Arena -- At any event, the people whose
seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the
ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer,
or the toilet and who will leave before the end of the performance
or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never
move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the
bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly
folk.

Coffee Law -- As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your
boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy''s Law of Lockers --If there are only 2 people in a locker room,
they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces --The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich
landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness of
the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument -- Anything is possible if you don't know what
you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance --If the clothes fit, they are ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking -- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy--As soon as you find
a product that you really like, they stop making it.

Doctor's Law--If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to
the doctor,by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make
an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
<><>

Now a funny from my friend Warren in Brisbane. It is called
"Phones on Trains can be so annoying." Good one Mate, Thanks.

Isn't it tempting to do this sort of thing?

After a busy day he settled down in his train from Waterloo for a nap
as far as his destination at Winchester, when the chap sitting near him
hauled out his mobile phone and started up: - - - -

"Hi darling, it's Peter. I'm on the train - yes I know it's the 6.30, not the
4.30, but I had a long meeting - no not with that floozie from the typing
pool, with the boss - no darling you are the only one in my life - yes
I'm sure, cross my heart " etc etc etc.

This was still going on at Wimbledon, when the young woman opposite,
driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,

"Hey Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed."
<><>

A couple of laughs from my good friend Gina in the outskirts of Melbourne
First one is "The Jewish Elbow. Thanks Gina.

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who
is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment.I am in Apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door, With your elbow push button 301
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right Get in and
with your elbow push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your
elbow, hit my doorbell."

Grandma that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons
with my elbow.?. . . . . .

"What - - --- - You coming empty handed.?"
<><>

Wise Italian Grandfather. Thanks Gina.

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down
through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside,
Guido,I want you to listen to me. I want you to take my chrome-
plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But Grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your
Rolex watch instead?"

"You listen to me, boy. Some day you going to be running the business
you gonna have a beautiful wife, lots of money, a big home and maybe
a couple of bambinos."

Some day you gonna come home and maybe find your wife in bed
with another man. "What you gonna do then? Point to your watch
and say "Times up?"
<><>

Two from my dear friend Barbara Thank you my friend. I hope
you and Howard are doing well. Love, Merle.

First one is called "TO BE 8 Again.
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed watching his wife who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off,
he asked her what she would like to have for her birthday.

"I'd like to be eight again" she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday,he arose early and made her a nice
big bowl of Coco Puffs, then took her to Adventure World theme
park. What a day. He put her on every ride; the Death slide, the Wall
of Fear,The Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a
McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and
a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy
M & Ms. What a fabulous adventure.

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed on the bed
exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well dear,
what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size, you dumb retard !!!"

The moral of this story: Even when a man listens, he is still gonna get
it wrong.
<><>

Next one from Barbara is called "TRUST" Enjoy.

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband.
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to
her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket
as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she
enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling," he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let
them stay in our bedroom."

"Did you say Hello?"
<><>

Last one today is from my dear friend Linda in Canberra. It is so
nice to have a friend in Canberra -they are so few there.
It is called True Blue Aussie bloke. Thanks Linda.

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a sever storm.
The turbulence is awful and things go from bad to worse when
one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming she stands up in
in the front of the plane.

"I'm too young to die," she wails.
Then she yells, "If I'm going to die,I want my last moments on
earth to be memorable. Is there anyone on this plane who can
make me feel like a WOMAN.

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare eyes riveted at the desperate woman in the front of the
plane.
Then a handsome Jackeroo from Australia stands up in the rear of the
plane. He is handsome, well built with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button
at a time. No one moves. He removes the shirt. Muscles ripple across
his chest.

She gasps.

He whispers.......... "Iron this. Then get me a beer."
<><>

Time to say Bye Bye for now my friends. Look after yourselves and each
other. Try to find some joy in every day and to be happy. My love and
very best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 774 ~~ ~ Sunday, 25th March, 2012.

<><><>



8 comments:

Granny Annie said...

It just gets better and better to read that your are recovering. Thanks for sharing that important information and for sharing all the laughter:)

Kat said...

Hi Merle, I'm glad you are feeling better now. I really enjoyed reading your jokes, especially the one about being 8 again! That was super funny!

Theanne said...

LOL...all jokes excellent! Especially like the one about the phone on the train...GOOD ONE! If ever there's an opportunity I want to remember that one ;-)

Happy you're feeling better...good news!

hugs, Theanne

Dave said...

Glad you're feeling well Merle... Great jokes as always! (I wish I had people like that sending great ones to me! *LOL*)

Joy Des Jardins said...

I'm so glad to hear things are progressing for you Merle and that you are doing better and better. You really have done amazingly well...keep it up dear friend. May you days be pain-free and happy. Much love, Joy

Big Dave T said...

That one joke about the guy in the train wasn't your brother Peter, was it? I know he's taken trains. I'm following doctors' orders too, trying to lose some weight. I think I have too.

Your jokes were hilarious. I'll have to pass them on. I enjoyed the laws too and they're SO TRUE! Have a great weekend (lightning, thunder and rain here).

Mountain Mama said...

Hello Merle. I'm glad you are feeling pretty good. Hope that leg of yours stops acting up. It's awful to have pain like that.
I sure enjoyed your jokes and especially like the Laws Of Life. I copied it and will send it to family & friends.
I need to get away from my computer. Too much sitting and my rump is sore and my feet are cold. I need to go make some homemade veggie beef soup.
Take care dear friend,
Hugs

audrey` said...

HaHa! The Laws of Life is so funny but true :)