Monday, May 28, 2012

Paying The Bills.

Post 784 ~ ~ ~ Monday, 28th May, 2012.

Hello again my friends ~~ I will put a few jokes on for you. Thank you so much to the loyal bloggers who have already commented on my photos ~ you are much appreciated my friends.
Thank you to all those who wished me a Happy Birthday on Blogger and also Facebook ~~ I will
get around to answering you all very soon. It has been a bit hectic here of late. It was quiet last night with just me here and no one to talk to, but I am used to it and soon got back to normal.

The News is on and there are MORE people losing their jobs, with businesses closing down, and/or put into liquidation. Our PM is very sorry which means zilch if you have no money coming in to feed their families and pay off their homes. There seems to be hundreds daily or more. And there won't be many jobs for them to get. I worry about them. Our PM (Julia) has
agreed with the richest woman, Gina Rheinhart, importing 17,000 overseas workers. And some wonder why she has to go and the sooner the better.

Today is Peter's Birthday and he is 76 and down at his son's home with his daughter so he will have a nice lunch out tomorrow. I hope he enjoys it as much as we did at mine. 78 is not even
a significant number, but I guess after being so ill, maybe that did it. All my flowers are still very beautiful, and I put more water in them today. Irises out, lilliums still to come, have some nice
yellow ones out already. Lots of chrysanthemums, white and yellow and lovely gum leaves.

Now to find some jokes for you. First one is from Pearly Gates, called "Paying the Bills."

A Mangy looking guy who goes into a restaurant and orders food. The witer says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me the food?"
"Deal." says the waiter.

The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. he puts the hamster on the counter and it runs to the end, across the room, up to the piano. It jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs and the hamster is really good.

The waiter said, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. The hamster is very good on the piano." The guy downs the hamburger he ordered and asks the waiter for another.
"Money or another miracle," says the waiter.

The guy reaches into his coat pocket again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the counter, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the counter runs over to the guy and offers him $300. for the frog.
The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred dollars and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger leaves the restaurant.

The waiter says to the guy, "Are you crazy? You sold a singing frog for $300. It must be worth millions."

"Not so," says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist.
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Next one from my dear friend, Jeanette called "The Wife." Thanks Jan.

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. A man and a woman.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen for a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi darling", he says.

"Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say 'Hello'?"
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One from my friend, Lee. Thanks Lee.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you are here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, turned off his flashlight, and froze. When he heard nothing more he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires. Clear as a bell he heard
"Jesus is watching you."

Startled he shone his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yes." The parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm trying to warn you that he's watching you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, Huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus' "
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One from my friend Gina. Thanks Gina.

A female dwarf goes to the doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area.
The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk.

He lifts her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip.

The doctor emerges from under her skirt, "How's that?" he asks.
"Well it's a lot better, but ...............it's still there."

Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt, snip, snip, snip, snip

Out he comes, "How's that?" he asks again, more confident.

"That's wonderful. What did you do?" she asked.
"I trimmed the top of your ugg boots.
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More of Lady Di's "Idiot Sightings." Thank you Dianne.

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said we had the largest one Sears made at that time, 1/2 horse- power.

He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower."
I responded that1/2 was larger than 1/4."

He said, "NO. it's not. Four is larger than two."
We haven't used Sears repair since.
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My daughter and I went through McDonald's take - out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill
Our total was $4.25, so I handed her a quarter.

She said, "You
gave me too much money." I said, "Yes, I know, but this way you can give me a dollar bill back."
She sighed and went to the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter and said, "We're sorry, but we could not do that sort of thing.
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at Mc D's.
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I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here. I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman, KS.
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My daughter went to the local Taco Bell and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the
counter for "minimal lettuce"
He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg lettuce. City.
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I was at the airport, checking in the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your luggage without your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask?"
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
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The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth
are blind people doing driving?"
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS.
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At a goodbye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing', our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun, we should do this more often"

Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer in the headlights
stare." This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
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How would you pronounce this child's name?

"Le-a"

Leah No, Lee-a No, Laya-a NO. Lei Guess again.

Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It is pronounced "Ledasha" When the mother was asked about the pronounciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."
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Lastly, a calendar from my friend Lee which is quite amazing when you read it. Thanks Lee.

Just in case.

This year, July will have 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays.

July 2012

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

12

13

14

15

16

17

18

19

20

21

22

23

24

25

26

27

28

29

30

31

This happens only once every 823 years. They call it the money bag.

Send it to all your friends, and according to them, you will receive money within 4 days.

According to the Chinese Feng Shui practitioners, whoever does not send will remain poor.

I thought it prudent to send it along! Just in case!

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Well my friends, time to get up from the computer and eat and get to bed before long. I hope you are all keeping well and happy. I am both at present. Take care of yourselves and each other. Hopefully I will be back next Sunday and won't lose my post again.

My love and best wishes to you all. Happy Birthday Peter, have a great time. Love, Merle.


Post 784 ~ ~ ~ Monday, 28th May, 2012.

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8 comments:

Granny Annie said...

A fun post, as usual:) Loved the in-laws visiting joke. "Did you tell them hello?" hahahahhahaha!

Happy Birthday to Peter. We all know him as your substitute blogger and perfect brother:)

You look lovely in all of the pictures of your birthday celebration.

Theanne said...

happy birthday to Peter, happy you're well and happy and LOVED the jokes...especially the Rottweiler one...how nice of 'Moses' to give a warning ;)

love and hugs, Theanne

Lady Di Tn said...

The photos of your party are great and looks like a fun way to spend number 78. Enjoyed the jokes as usual and sounds like you are doing better daily. Peace and Wishing you enough.

Peter said...

Hi Merle, Thanks for the good wishes and for the board and lodging over the last few weeks... Stay Well.

Jim said...

Hi Merle ~~ As usual, I like everything on your blog today. I imagine you will take a few days to get used to being all alone with your guests and all the birthday excitement.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PETER. Thank you for being such a good brother to Merle.

Lee's calendar is nice. Thank you for telling us about the five Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays. We won't get to see another July like this. None of us will.

Poor parents. That was a 'hurting' joke. I like the dash that wasn't silent big time too!

BTW, you did good posting those pictures on your previous post. You learned that lesson by Peter well.
Cheers,
..

Dave said...

Loved the post Merle... but the calendar is wrong.

July 1st is on a Sunday this year, not a Friday. (check your calendar to see!)

Big Dave T said...

Hope you and Peter both had fun with your birthday celebrations. The pictures came out wonderfully. Both of you are a couple years behind my own parents who are still doing well. My dad is 82.

Loved the jokes as always. The economy in Michigan is doing a little better of late, but who knows how long that will last.

audrey` said...

It's so lovely to be surrounded by all the nice flowers :)