Sunday, June 17, 2012

 My Kind of Teacher.

Post  787  ~ ~  Sunday,  17th June, 2012.

Hello again my friends ~~ Let us hope that tonight will get a complete post on in one go. That would be nice and less stressful from this end.  I  hope that you are all keeping well and enjoying your lives and the warmer weather that you are having.

I am fine and doing quite well, feel more confident each day, but take no chances.  The weather here has been quite pleasant, but I feel warmer inside with the heater than out in the weak sun and will enjoy it when there is more warmth in it.  I feel the cold a lot since I have become disabled, so pile on the jumpers -( pullovers.)

First Item tonight again was sent by Warren.  Thanks Mate.  "My Kind of Teacher."

           This one is dedicated to all my friends who ever taught
school, parented children or served their country.
              A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine
Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year
started, he injured his back.
              He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part
of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't
noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the
toughest students in the school.
              The punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former
Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was
before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom,
the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
              When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a
stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.
              There was dead silence.
              He had no trouble with discipline that year. 

Next one from my dear friend Sherrrill, called "Medical Evaluation.: Thanks Sherrill.

I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard!

These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS Basildon

1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection.  However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
 My dear friend Jeanette sent me "The Guide to the Right Foods."  hanks Jan.
 The pictures didn't paste unfortunately.

This is really interesting     
It's been said that God first separated the salt water from the fresh, made dry land, planted a garden, made animals and fish... All before making a human. He made and provided what we'd need before we were born. These are best & more powerful when eaten raw. We're such slow learners...
God left us a great clue as to what foods help what part of our body!
God's Pharmacy! Amazing!

A sliced Carrot looks like the human eye. The pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the human eye... And YES, science now shows carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and function of the eyes.

A Tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart has four chambers and is red. All of the research shows tomatoes are loaded with lycopine and are indeed pure heart and blood food.

Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows grapes are also profound heart and blood vitalizing food. 

A Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower cerebellums. Even the wrinkles or folds on the nut are just like the neo-cortex. We now know walnuts help develop more than three (3) dozen neuron-transmitters for brain function. 

Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes, they look exactly like the human kidneys. 
Celery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and many more look just like bones. These foods specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23% sodium and these foods are 23% sodium. If you don't have enough sodium in your diet, the body pulls it from the bones, thus making them weak. These foods replenish the skeletal needs of the body.
Avocados, Eggplant and Pears target the health and function of the womb and cervix of the female - they look just like these organs. Today's research shows that when a woman eats one avocado a week, it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight, and prevents cervical cancers. And how profound is this? It takes exactly nine (9) months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit. There are over 14,000 photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods. Modern science has only studied and named about 141 of them.
Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow. Figs increase the mobility of male sperm and increase the numbers of Sperm as well to overcome male sterility.  

Sweet Potatoes look like the pancreas and actually balance the glycemic index of diabetics.
Oranges, Grapefruits, and other Citrus fruits look just like the mammary glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.

Onions look like the body's cells. Today's research shows onions help clear waste materials from all of the body cells. They even produce tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes. A working companion, 
Garlic, also helps eliminate waste materials and dangerous free radicals from the body.

Another one from Warren called "Twenty Dollars."  Thanks Warren.

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked

For $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made
love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
his employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what
he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they
were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
these holdings had multiplied and these were the
results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
to keep their mouths shut

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched - often.
But push the wrong button and you will be very sorry.


Good ol’ days!
This one was sent by my friend Gina to remind us of days gone by. Thank you Gina.
  A little house with three bedrooms,
one bathroom and one car on the street.

A mower that you had to push
to make the grass look neat. 
In the kitchen on the wall
we only had one phone,
And no need for recording things,
someone was always home.
We only had a living room
where we would congregate,
unless it was at mealtime
in the kitchen where we ate.  
We had no need for family rooms
or extra rooms to dine.
When meeting as a family
those two rooms would work out fine. 

We only had one TV set
and channels maybe two,
But always there was one of them
with something worth the view.

For snacks we had potato chips

that tasted like a chip.
And if you wanted flavor
there was Lipton's onion dip. 

Store-bought snacks were rare because

my mother liked to cook
and nothing can compare to snacks
in Betty Crocker's book.  
Weekends were for family trips
or staying home to play.
We all did things together --
even go to church to pray.  
When we did our weekend trips
depending on the weather,
no one stayed at home because
we liked to be together. 

Sometimes we would separate
to do things on our own,
but we knew where the others were
without our own cell phone.

Then there were the movies

with your favorite movie star,
and nothing can compare
to watching movies in your car. 

Then there were the picnics

at the peak of summer season,
pack a lunch and find some trees
and never need a reason. 

Get a baseball game together

with all the friends you know,
have real action playing ball --
and no game video. 

Remember when the doctor

used to be the family friend,
and didn't need insurance
or a lawyer to defend? 

The way that he took care of you

or what he had to do,
because he took an oath and strived
to do the best for you.

Remember going to the store

and shopping casually,
and when you went to pay for it
you used your own money?  
Nothing that you had to swipe
or punch in some amount,
and remember when the cashier person
had to really count? 

The milkman used to go
from door to door,
And it was just a few cents more
than going to the store. 

There was a time when mailed letters
came right to your door,
without a lot of junk mail ads
sent out by every store.

The mailman knew each house by name

and knew where it was sent;
there were not loads of mail addressed
to "present occupant."  
There was a time when just one glance
was all that it would take,
and you would know the kind of car,
the model and the make.  
They didn't look like turtles
trying to squeeze out every mile;
they were streamlined, white walls, fins
and really had some style.  
One time the music that you played
whenever you would jive,
was from a vinyl, big-holed record
called a forty-five.  
The record player had a post
to keep them all in line
and then the records would drop down
and play one at a time.  
Oh sure, we had our problems then,
just like we do today
and always we were striving,
trying for a better way.

Oh, the simple life we lived

still seems like so much fun,
how can you explain a game,
just kick the can and run? 

And why would boys put baseball cards
between bicycle spokes
and for a nickel, red machines
had little bottled Cokes? 

This life seemed so much easier
and slower in some ways.
I love the new technology
but I sure do miss those days.

So time moves on and so do we

and nothing stays the same,
but I sure love to reminisce
and walk down memory lane.
Well my friends, it is time to close and hopefully post this - so far it has gone very well tonight, so I am keeping my fingers crossed.  Take care of yourselves and each other and find some joy in every day. My love and best wishes to you all. Cheer, Merle.
Post  787  ~ ~  Sunday,  17th  June,  2012.


jel said...

hi Merle,

them were some good ones! :)

and I do miss the good old days!


Lady Di Tn said...

Glad you explained "jumpers" to us. Nice to hear you are still doing well even if the outside is not warm enough. Those actual medical descriptions were a scream. Yep, I do miss those simple days. Lots of times we would not even lock the doors, night or day and it was nothing to walk a mile by myself to a friends to play. Peace

Granny Annie said...

Boy howdy did you ever tickle my funny bone with these tales! You sure know how to dish up that "best medicine" called laughter:)

Winifred said...

Hello again Merle!

I've finally got back to Blogger. Have to say I've really struggled with the new version. Doesn't seem as easy to find the posts from people as the old version.

Sorry to hear you were so ill over Christmas but it's nice to see you are doing so well & still keeping us laughing. Those NHS ones were corkers!

Take care
Love Winifred

Gina E. said...

Oh dear, you are having problems with Blogger, aren't you? I seem to have conquered this version, remarkably for me. Did you feel the earthquake earlier tonight? It seems it was quite widespread over Victoria. Bit of a worry, eh..

Jim said...

Hi Merle ~~ You did really good this week. Your jokes were all new to me also, even a new slant on the wife saving all that money.

I still have my Betty Crocker Cookbook. My favorite medical secretary mishap is the "numb from her toes down" feeling.

Tomorrow I see my orthopedic surgen, I may tell him that one.
Got to be careful though, I told a German U.S. doctor who was having trouble figuring out my ringing ears that it must be all in my head. He got mad, swore at me, left and slammed the door on his way out.

He was the second doctor who has sworn at me. The other told me that I was too blinkety-blank old to be playing softball. I was only 35 at the time.

Big Dave T said...

I like bananas. Wonder what good that does me. Those are funny medical mistakes and, working with medical records, I can see how people could make them.

If you like warm weather, you'd love our's today. It's 90 plus degrees but feels like a hundred.

Glad to see your doing well.

Dave said...

So glad you're doing well Merle...! *Smile*

On the other hand, this is one of your funniest posts yet! Loved them all!

Anonymous said...

I've missed some Sundays...but haven't forgotten you...thanks for all the fantastically funny jokes ;)

love and hugs to you, Theanne

audrey` said...

Our love and best wishes to you too, Merle :)