Saturday, September 08, 2012

God and Lawn Care.

Post  799  ~ ~ ~ Sunday,  9th  September,  2012.


Hello my Friends ~~ It is good to be with you again. I do hope all is well for you all and that life is good.  I am well and life is good this end.  The weather has improved and the days are nice. I am not outside much as I cannot do much apart from get the mail, and paper and close the gates at night.  

I look around my garden and see some lovely flowers out, and I  practically apologize to them for my lack of care, and still they bloom.

 Well to get to the title post "God and Lawn Care" sent by my dear friend Jeanette. Thanks Jan.

God and Lawn Care - priceless  

   GOD:      Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets,  milkweeds  and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.        

 St. FRANCIS:      It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths  to kill them and replace them with  grass.         

GOD:      Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?         

ST. FRANCIS:      Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.         

GOD:      The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.         

ST. FRANCIS:      Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.         

GOD:      They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?        

ST. FRANCIS:      Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.         

GOD:      They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it? 

ST. FRANCIS:      No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.         

GOD:      Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?         

ST. FRANCIS:      Yes, Sir.         

GOD:      These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.        

ST. FRANCIS:      You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and  pay to get rid of it.         

GOD:      What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.       

 ST. FRANCIS:      You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.         

GOD:      No!?  What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?        

ST. FRANCIS:      After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.         

GOD:      And where do they get this mulch?         

ST. FRANCIS:      They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.         

GOD:      Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. 


St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?        

ST. CATHERINE:      'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....         

GOD:      Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis. 


This one is called CLEVER Thank you Linda.

 This has got to be one of the cleverest 

E-mails I've received in a while

 Someone out there   Must be "deadly" at Scrabble

 (Wait till you see the last one)!  

When you rearrange the letters:


When you rearrange the letters:


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When you rearrange the letters:


When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:


When you rearrange the letters:


When you rearrange the letters:


When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:


When you rearrange the letters:


When you rearrange the letters:



When you rearrange the letters:


My good friend Lee sent me the next one. Thank you Lee. It is called "Learning to Cuss".

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
Thank you Linda for this one.
 Subject: Fw: Bet you know a lot of people to send this to.

In Honour of Stupid People . . In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --
'Do not turn upside down.'

(well,...duh, a bit late, huh!)


On Sainsbury's peanuts --
'Warning: contains nuts.'

(talk about a news flash)


On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --
'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.'

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)


On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding --
'Product will be hot after heating.'

(...and you thought????...)


On a Sears hairdryer --
Do not use while sleeping.

(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)


On a bag of Fritos --
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.

(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap --
'Directions: Use like regular soap.'

(and that would be???....)


On some Swanson frozen dinners --
'Serving suggestion: Defrost.'

(but, it's just a suggestion.)


On packaging for a Rowenta iron --
'Do not iron clothes on body.'

(but wouldn't this save me time?)


On Nytol Sleep Aid --
'Warning: May cause drowsiness.'

(..I'm taking this because???.....)


On most brands of Christmas lights --
'For indoor or outdoor use only.'

(as opposed to what?)


On a Japanese food processor --
'Not to be used for the other use.'

(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


On an American Airlines packet of nuts
'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.'

(Step 3: say what?)


On a child's Superman costume --
'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.'

(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


On a Swedish chainsaw --
'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.'

(Oh my Goodness..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)...
****Blessed are the cracked:
for it is they who let in the light*****
My cousin in New Zealand sent me  "Points to Ponder"
Thanks Karyn.


     Number 8

     Life is sexually transmitted.

     Number 7

     Good health is merely the slowest possible rate  At which one can die.

     Number 6

     Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you See a gleam in his eyes, do some baking .

     Number 5

     Give a person a fish and you feed them for a Day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they Won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years

     Number 4

     Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
     Lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

    Number 3

     All of us could take a lesson from the weather.It pays no attention to criticism.

     Number 2

     In the 60's, people took acid to make the world Weird.
     Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to Make it normal.

     And the number 1 thought?

     Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--
     What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

     ....And as someone once said----

     "Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that Long."

Well my friends, it is time to close for this post. I hope you found something to smile about.  Take great care and look after yourselves and each other. Love and best wishes to you all.  Cheers,  Merle.

Post  799  ~ ~ Sunday,  9th September,  2012.


Gina E. said...

Oh Merle, it sounds like you are pretty much housebound...still, if you have kind friends and neighbours (as well as that loving family of yours), you will be okay in your home. Ken's mum's neighbours were an enormous help to her when she got to the point of not getting any further than her letterbox; without them she would not have been able to stay in her home as long as she did.
Giggled over the jokes, especially the dumb instructions; Choice Magazine has a good selection of items like that on their back page every month - always makes me laugh!

Lee said...

It's because you bloomin' care, Merle, that your blooms are bloomin'! ;)

Enjoy your Sunday...feet up...mug of coffee...a good book or movie...that's sounds like a good plan. Take care. Hugs.

audrey` said...

"I am well and life is good this end. The weather has improved and the days are nice." This is so comforting for all your readers to know. Please take care, my dear friend, Merle (((HUGS)))

Granny Annie said...

Too many winners on this post. I will have to share that a friend of mine came to work one day with a strange mark on her chest. When asked what happened she responded that she had burned herself ironing her blouse...while she had it on!

And in the "Eight Thoughts" number 8 should have been number 1.

Lady Di Tn said...

These were truly precisely what I needed a good belly laugh. Hope you get out and just watch those flowers grow so you can enjoy the weather. Peace

Joy Des Jardins said...

This post made me laugh...a lot. I hope you can get out a little more to enjoy your flowers and the nicer weather. I think your blossoms bloom because you are so full of love and it sprinkles on everything around you. Have a beautiful week Merle...dear friend. ~Joy xo

Jim said...

Hi Merle ~~ Sorry about last week's. I must have left right after reading the 'scout news letter.' That was sooo funny!

This week's is great too! The eight thoughts were very catchy. All seem to be true. God and the garden was funny too. Makes one wonder. I think the neighbor down the street must have listened to God. His yard is natural and he doesn't have any need for a lawn mower what with all God's 'flowers.'

Beth E. said...

Hello, sweet Merle!
I'm sorry it's been awhile since I've visited. I've become a sorry blogger friend, haven't I?! Please forgive me.

After two months, I finally posted something on my blog, then decided to pay you a visit. I'm glad to hear you are doing well.

The weather here is beginning to get cooler. Days are becoming shorter. Fall is almost upon us!

Take care, my friend...

Love you!