Thursday, March 08, 2007

Teenager Owner's Manual.

Post 160 - - - - - Thursday, 8 th March, 2007.

Hi Everyone ~~ How are things with you ? All good I hope. This may not be a very long post as I am still feeling tired. I enjoyed my shopping trip today with my carer, and we seemed to get the groceries etc quckly, SO we went into the garden department of Big W. (Woolworths) where she bought a couple of indoor plants and I bought a couple of pretty azalias and 3 nice pelargoniums. So it was nice to get out and back to normal again. It has been much cooler the last couple of days, so that helps improve my outlook on things.

Teenager Owner's Manual - - Copyright 2004 -- W. Bruce Cameron.

Congratulations ! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please
read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund).

determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she (a) look very similar to your original daughter
only with more make-up and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge your existence
on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)? (c) sleep in a burrow of dirty
laundry? If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try though!

BREAK-IN PERIOD; When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside
and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the " Break-in Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION; To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN; Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER; Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, ecause they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'mnot going to use the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing
"clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER; Your teenaged daughter requires
regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I don't want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order
take-out food or just give her the money, preferrably both. If you order pizza, never
answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so hot
Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER; Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available
to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, whe will be wearing something
entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE; Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of
maintenance; "High" and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.

WARRANTY; This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there - - you just have to look for her.

What is your excuse this time ???

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today Please execute him

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School :Please ekscuse John for being absent on Jan.28, 29, 30, 32, 32 & 33

4. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and
misplaced his hip.

5. John has been absent because he had 2 teeth taken out of his face.

6. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the
growing part.

7. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very
close veins.

8. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not
breed well.

9. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

10. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday
paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

11. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question,
interrupted himself and said "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Maybe you need a new lawyer if - - -

1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser,"

3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

5. During the trial you catch him playing poker on his cell phone.

6. He tells you "My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment."

7. He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."

8. Just before he says "Your Honor." he makes those little quotation marks in the
air with his fingers.

The last two items came via Raggedy's blog. Thank you Raggedy.

Bye for now folks. I hope you are having a good week and enjoying life.
Cheers and Love to all , Merle.

Post 160 - - - - - Thursday, 8 th March, 2007.


Tammy said...

I can't wait to go to Walmart's plant section and to be able to browse and pick out what I want...I was looking at my back yard spot just this morning...and I think that made it!!

Leann said...

love the jokes.the one about the teenager was so true.
I had two teen girls boy they keep you on your feet.
glad your feeling better and were able to be out and about.and happy to hear its cooler by you.
God bless you dear.thanks for stopping on my blog.
I put a bigger post this time on mine cause Ill be gone this weekend.
its a story from my childhood check it out if you get time.its called "the snow cave."

Val said...

I am SO glad I had sons, as I think there is more than an element of truth to the "maintenance of teenage girls manual"! I have long suspected that the family across the road (two daughters) have to have the maximum sized rubbish bin because of all the "stuff" they acquire, whereas we can barely fill our pint-sized bin. Oh, and what about all the high pitched squealing that girls tend to emit? Give me baritone voices around the house any day!

PEA said...

Dearest had a busy day, no wonder you were so tired! I do hope you were able to have a good's 11:33 pm. here so I'm just about ready for bed! Loved the jokes...after seeing what my friend Steve is going through with his 14 year old daughter, I'm kind of glad I just had 2 boys! lol You take care of yourself my friend xox

Lee said...

Thanks again for the laughs, Merle.

Now don't you go doing to much heavy work and gardening...the weekend is coming up, so it's a time to be lazy, read the papers and just relax...that's an order, my dear!

Jeanette said...

Dear Merle.
I hope your taking it easy and getting plenty of plenty of rest.
love the jokes. teenage girls i can relate to that, im glad my girls are all grown up and buy there own clothes, but now my grandaughters but thats there Mums problem lol .I wouldnt be without any of them. Take my friend love Jan.

Jeanette said...

its me again Merle forgot to mention i wont be on a lot over weekend Joanne, Colin and kids and maybe Carol will be visiting me so take care i will try to sneak a few minutes here and there.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Hi Merle, Yep you're feeling better. The gardening department had you as a visitor...can't do that if you're under par.

I had two daughters and I can relate to all of that!'s now their turn, I think it's called Karma!

Look after yourself and don't overdo it, Merle, or you'll have me to answer to...grin.

Hugs to you, my dear friend. xoxo

Anonymous said...

Dear Merle,
Checking in on you. So glad everything went well. I can't believe you are out on shopping sprees already.

You take good care of yourself. I will be back real soon.