Thursday, January 24, 2008

7% -- Sound Sentiment.

Post 399 ~ ~ ~ Thursday, 24th January, 2008.

Hello my Friends
~~ I hope all is well at your place as it is here.
Another decent day, around 31 C which is about 87 0r 88 F, and
that is reasonable for this time of year.

My son and daughter-in-law are coming up tomorrow from their
home in Sunbury which is on the outskirts of Melbourne. It is
always nice to see them. It is a long weekend here, because it is
Australia Day on Saturday, with the holiday on Monday.

My friend across the road has been very busy sorting out things
to have a Garage Sale on Saturday. I think they are called Yard
Sales overseas. We are hoping it will be fine weather for that.

I hope all the Aussies who read this blog have a wonderful
Week-end and a Happy Australia Day. My brother Peter has a
post about Australia Day on his blog. A little scary for any
intended visitors to this country. But take it all with a grain of
salt, and "she'll be apples !!" That means OK.

My dear friend Gwen sent me tonight's first item. Thank you
Gwen. I hope you enjoy it.

A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day
and said : "I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like."

The Lord opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in.
In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the
middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled
delicious and made the holy man's mouth water.

The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly and
they appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with
very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each
found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a handful.

However, because the handle was longer than their arms, they
could not get the spoons back into their mouths.
The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.

The Lord said, "You have seen Hell."

They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly
the same as the first one. There was the large round table with
the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water.

The people were equipped with the same long handled spoons,
but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing
and talking.

The holy man said, "I don't understand."
"It is simple," said the Lord.
"It requires but one skill. You see, they have learned to feed
each other, while the greedy think only of themselves."

It is estimated 93% won't forward this message. If you are
one of the 7% who will, forward this with the title of "7%."

Remember, I will always share my spoon with you.
<><><>


Another dear friend, Lady Di
kindly sent me the next item. Thank you Dianne.

Nine Words Women Use.

(1) FINE : This is the word women use to end
an argument when they are right and you need
to shut up.

(2) FIVE Minutes : If she is getting dressed
this means half an hour. Five minutes is only
five minutes if you have just been given five
more minutes to watch the game before
helping around the house.

(3)
NOTHING : This is the calm before the storm. This means
something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin
with nothing usually end up in Fine.

(4) GO AHEAD : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It.

(5) LOUD SIGH : This is actually a word, but a non-verbal state-
ment often misunderstood by man. A loud sigh means she thinks
you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing
here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for
the meaning of nothing.)

(6) THAT'S OKAY : This is one of the most dangerous statements
a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she want to think
long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your
mistakes.

(7) THANKS : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint.
Just say 'you're welcome' (I want to add a clause here. This is true,
unless she says "Thanks a lot." - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not
thanking you at all. DO NOT say "you're welcome" . . . that will
bring on a "whatever.")

(8) WHATEVER : Is a woman's way of saying - - - - YOU.

(9) DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT : Another dangerous
statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man
to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later
result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response
refer to #3.

Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments
they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh,
cause they know it's true.
<><>
Satanic Visit.

One Sunday morning, everyone in a bright, beautiful, tiny town
got up early and went to the local church. Before the services
started, the towns-people were sitting in their pews and talking
about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone
started screaming ans running for the front entrance, trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving,
seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was
in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up
to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am ?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me ?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you
afraid of me ?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over
48 years."
<><>

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the
first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to pay the bill.
The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and
he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free.
Just gave it to him !"

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now
he owns a multi-line dealership. He' so successful that he
gave one of his friends a new Mercedes."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son
is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend
an entire portfolio."

After a few minutes of taking care of business, the fourth man
joined them on the tee. The first man mentioned, "We were
just talking about our sons. How is yours doing ?"

The fourth man replied, 'Well, my son id gay and a go-go
dancer in a gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about his preferences
and the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three
boyfriends gave him a house. a brand new Mercedes, and
a stock portfolio."
<><>

If Men Got Pregnant ~ ~ ~

1. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one
health problem.

2. Maternity leave would last for 2 years on full pay.

3. Children would be kept in hospital until toilet rained.

4. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

5. All methods of birth control would become 100%
effective.

6. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

7. There would be a cure for stretch marks.

8. They would serve beer instead of coffee at antenatal
classes.

9. Men wouldn't think twins were so cute.

10. Sons would have to come home from dates by 10 pm.
<><>

The fellows seem to be taking a beating tonight SO ~ ~

I married Mis Right/ I just didn't know her first name was
Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months . . . I don't
like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's
sex drive by 90% . . It's called wedding cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus : Engagement Ring, Wedding
Ring and Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me "What's on the
TV ?" . . . I said, "Dust."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday
is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer-gut, and still think
they are beautiful.
<><>

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following
conversation took place.

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to
come fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that
I would paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy : "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife that
I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy : "Man, you both got it easy. I had to promise my
wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realised the fourth guy has
not said a word. So they asked him, "You haven't said
anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing
this weekend. What's the deal ?"

Fourth guy : I just set my alarm for 5.30 am. When it went
off, I shut the alarm off, gave my wife a nudge and said,
"Fishing or Sex ?" and she said, "Wear a jumper." (sweater)
<><>

Two hunters were out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency
services. He gasps, "My friend is dead ! What can I do ?"

The operator says, :Calm down, I can help. First, let's make
sure he's dead."

There's a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone,
the guy says. "OK, now what ?"
<><>

A few quotes to finish with ~ ~ ~

Justice should not only be done, but should manifestly and
undoubtedly be seen to be done. ~ ~ Gordon Hewart.

They went and told the sexton and the sexton tolled the bell.
~ ~ ~ Thomas Hood.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling
passes. ~ ~ ~ Robert M. Hutchins.

Religion's in the heart, not in the knees. ~ ~Douglas Jerrold.

It matters not how a man dies, but how he lives. The act of
dying is not of importance; it lasts so short a time.
~ ~ ~ Samuel Johnson.

A thing of beauty is a joy forever. ~ ~ John Keats.

I think that I shall never see,
A poem lovely as a tree. ~ ~ ~ Joyce Kilner.

That's it for tonight my friends. I hope you found something
of interest or got a chuckle or two. Thank you for the kind
comments you leave for me. Take care and have a lovely day
tomorrow. Love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 399 ~ ~ ~ Thursday, 24th January, 2008.
<><><>










14 comments:

Lady Di Tn said...

Merle
Would you believe that email you used was sent to me by my little brother.
you have outdone yourself with the jokes today. I did not see it comming with golfers and almost wet myself.
I plan to print a copy of the blog to pass around Art Ventures luncheon tomorrow. JoJo and I are the hostess this month.
Peace

Peter said...

Did you fill up a trestle table with some of your less valuable "stuff" at the garage sale, you could keep on restocking it as it sold and clear some space!!!
Thanks for the plug BTW.

Patty said...

Good morning Merle,
Cold here this morning 16 above zero. Husband has an appointment at 10:30 to go over his blood results with our family doctor. I'll go along to make sure I hear what's being said. You see my husband has a habit of making things sound worse then what they really are, so I want to make sure myself. Ha!Ha!. Our one daughter says that's the problems with us, he's always near death when it's sinus, and I act as though cancer is nothing. So she comes along when it's something really important. Ha!Ha! Another sign we're getting older, I guess.

Loved all of your jokes this morning, hey we need a little man bashing now and then. Also most of the time, over here, they are called garage sales also, unless they have no garage and have the items on tables in their yard, we have some that say they are having a porch sale, because that's where they display their items. I hate garage sales unless I am really looking for a certain item and don't want to pay full pice at a store. I also hate holding them, because what you don't sale, you then have to drag back into the house or haul it away someplace.

Now what does the 7% at the start of your blog mean? I also went to visit your Brother's blog, is he actually your brother, or do you just think of him that way?

Well by the time you read this, you will be getting ready for bed. Enjoy your visit with your son and daughter-in-law. How is your son's skin cancer doing? Take care, sleep well.
Love,
Patty

The Ramblin Irishman said...

Got a good laugh as per usual. You brighten my day.

Gledwood said...

Merle! That Satan in Church one was too cruel... The heaven and hell one was too wise...

I have a joke about hell I wanted to tell you so you could post here... what I will have to do is post it on mine then you can feel free to lift it out... (believe it or not when you read it, it is a joke I heard IN CHURCH from the pulpit as a kid!¬)

I will post it up tomorrow London time ie within the next 24 hrs

take care! ;->...

audrey` said...

Good Morning Merle

Have a very wonderful time with your son and daughter-in-law =)
Take care.

Gwen said...

Hi Merle.
As usual a great post,thank you for using the Holy Man and yes I did enjoy.
Have a loverly visit with your son
and his family also a happy "AUSSIE
DAY".
Hope to see you soon stay well
dear Merle xoxo

sma said...

Thank you for the story about the Holy Man. We have to learn from it.
Enjoy your time with your children.
I'd like to send you some refreshing air from north.
Hugs, Sma

Jeanette said...

Hi Dear Merle, Great post, love the heaven and hell that Gwem sent.How true if Men got prgnant
Great quotes also this is my pic "A thing of beauty is a joy forever"...
Hope you have a great a Australia day weekend with Geoff and Joanne. Take care Merle its warming up again.. love Janxxxxx

Janice said...

Hi Merle,

I loved the nine words that women say, and ain't it the truth?

Happy Australia day.
Janice~

Jim said...

Hi Merle -- I am really envious of you with all your visitors! You do good!

I cringe anytime I hear one of those nine words coming. There generally is no rebutal.

I think you know how to handle the long spoon just fine.
..

Gledwood said...

arguments... bad memories...

I have never met a woman yet I could not defeat in a verbal argument... even if it took 6 months to learn my ways through her highly illogical mindtraps!

right! that joke is up if you want to take it any time!!! you are most welcome

Puss-in-Boots said...

Hello, dear Merle, and a Happy Australia Day to you!

I've been very slack this last week, but I've actually put up a post today (don't faint).

As usual, your post is the great mix of jokes and wisdom. We all enjoy that.

Take care and I hope all is well with you.

Love and hugs xoxo

Renie Burghardt said...

Dear Merle,

Happy Australia Day! I hope you have a lovely weekend with your son and daughter-in-law. I love Garage/Yard Sales, and can't wait until spring, when they start around here.

Nine Words Women Use is right on! LOL. Well, all the jokes were very funny, Merle. I chuckled from beginning to end! Loved it as always. And the quotes are beautiful.

Enjoy the weekend, dear Merle.

Love and blessings,

Renie

PS. I'm going to visit your brother now and find out more about Australi Day.