Saturday, July 05, 2008

Thank God for Little Things.

Post 475 ~ ~ ~ Saturday, 5th July, 2008.

Hello Everyone ~~I hope you are all having a
really nice weekend. A holiday one in the US.
Mine is going very well, so far with a surprise
visit from Jeanette and her sister Pauline.
It was really nice to see the girls from Yarrawonga.
Gwen I hope your leg is better and that you can
come next time ~ you were missed.



Dear Jan and Pauline ~~ It was lovely to see you both. Thanks
for calling in. A longer stay next time would be nice.

A short poem tonight by Helen Steiner Rice
called "Thank God for Little Things.

Thank You God, for little things
that often come our way ---
The things we take for granted
but don't mention when we pray ---
The unexpected courtesy,
the thoughtful, kindly deed ---
A hand reached out to help us
in the time of sudden need ---
Oh, make us more aware , dear God,
of little daily graces
That come to us with "sweet surprise"
from never-dreamed-of places.
<><><>

The first joke is rather long, but quite funny.
Thank you Patty for this one.


A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the
man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, I would
like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."

The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf
is no problem, but I'm afraid all of the caddies are out
on the course. What I will do for you is this : we just
received 8 brand new robot caddies. If you are willing
to take one with you out on the course and come back
and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on
me today."

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.

He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and
said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."

The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir, use
your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good
contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet
to the right front of the hole on the green.

The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked
him for his assistance.

As the golfer pulled out his putter, he said, "I think this
green is gonna break left to right."

The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir, I do
believe this green will break right to left."

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his
prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.

He made his putt and birdied the hole, thanks to the
robot and his advice.

But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the
best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of
the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the
counter asked, "How was your game ?" The golfer
stated, "It was , by far, the BEST game I have ever
played. Thank you very much for letting me take one
of your robots. See you next week."

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the
pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind
the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and
one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman behind the counter turned to the man
and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However we
had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."

Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS ? Who in the
heck could have complained about those robots? They
were incredible."

The man sighed, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was
that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflect
--ing off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of
them didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of
them robbed the pro shop, and the other is running for President."
<><>

Midnight Feeding.

"Grandma, when you and Grandpa had your first baby, did
Grandpa ever handle the middle-of-the- night feeding?"

"No, I always did that."

"That must have been before you had women's liberation"
"No, it was before we had feeding bottles."
<><>
Nine.
Rod was meeting a friend at a singles bar, and as he went
in, he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. "Nine," he
heard one whisper as he passed.

Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his
waiting buddy and told him a girl had just rated him a nine.

"I don't want to burst your bubble," his friend replied, "But
when you came in, they were speaking German."
<><>

One from Jeanette. Thanks Jan.

Q. What are some of the advantages of participating in a
regulare exercise program?
A. Can't think of a single one. My philosophy is:No pain .Good.

Q. How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A. Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is
one to one. If you have two bodies, the ratio is two to one.

Q. Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A. You're not listening. Foods that are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact they are permeated in it. How could
getting mor vegetables be bad for you?

Q. Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft
around the middle?
A. Definitely not. When you exercise a muscle it gets
bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a
bigger stomach.

Q. Is chocolate bad for me?
A. Are you crazy? Hell- Cocoa beans. Another vegetable.
It's the best feel good food around.

Q. Is swimming good for me?
A. If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales.

Q. Is getting in shape important to my lifestyle?
A. Hey. 'Round' is a shape.

Well, I hope that has cleared up any misconceptions you
may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways -----
Champagne in one hand ---chocolate in the other--body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming - -
"Woo Hooo what a ride !!"

Remember stressed spelt backwards is desserts.

Finally, some advice from Dr. Neil who proclaimed the
way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things
you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I had started
and hadn't finished; and before leaving the house this
morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of
Chardonay, a bole of Baileys, a butle Kehuha, a package
of Tim Toms, the remainder of a bottle of Prozac and
Valium scriptions, the rest of the cheescake and a box
of chocolates

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.
<><>

Mel's son rushed in the door. "Dad, Dad," he announced
"I got a part in the school play."

"That's terrific," mel said proudly, "What part is it?"

"I play the part of the Dad."

"Go back tomorrow ," he instructed, "and tell them, you
want a speaking role."
<><>

"They say when you die you see bright light at the end of
a tunnel," notes comedian Ed Marques. "I think my father
will see the light, then flip it off to save electricity."
<><>

One payday, an employee received an unusually large
cheque, and decided not to say anything about it. The
following week, her cheque was for less than the normal
amount. and she confronted her boss.
"How come," the supervisor inquired, "you didn't say
anything when you were overpaid?"

Unruffled, the employee replied, "Well, I can overlook
one mistake --- but not two in a row."
<><>

Well folks, I am going to leave it there for this post, and
get off to bed soon. Enjoy the rest of the weekend and
be kind to one another. Love and best wishes to you all.
Cheers, Merle.

Post 475 ~~~ Saturday, 5th July, 2008.
<><><>

19 comments:

Rosezilla said...

I don't know, Merle, you know I usually love your jokes. But I don't think the one about painting the robots black was funny - just mean. Truly I think it was beneath you. I did enjoy the dieting tips - now I know how to calculate my body fat ratio! And I love Helen Steiner Rice.

Bear Naked said...

Merle, I love coming here and reading your posts.
You have a good sense of humour.


Bear

Joy Des Jardins said...

Hi sweetie, I haven't been by for a while...I'm sorry. I've missed you. I hope you've been good. I've been busy with work and other things. We lost another one of our blogger friends....Winston of Nobody Asked....just a week ago. Completely unexpected. I cried a lot Merle....we were pretty close friends. A wonderful, generous friend gone too soon. That's the second one in the past few weeks.

I had a very nice 4th of July yesterday with friends and family and am back doing some work today. Much love to you sweetie....take care...((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))) I'm hugging my blogging friends just a little tighter these days. Love, Joy

Old Lady Lincoln said...

I like Jeanette's idea of exercise and dieting. Once again you had some funnies.

We worked outside all most all day. Are we ever tired this evening. I still have dirty dishes waiting for me, so I better get off the computer and go wash them up.

Sleep well and have a terrific Sunday.

Lady Di Tn said...

Merle
As our Git R Done comedian would say about the robot joke "You got to laugh, someone thinks it is funny". I thought it very funny and not a bit mean or beneath you. If the readers do not get your jokes, then they should go away silently into blogland.
Jen's jokes were hiliarious. I want to go Woo hoo and sild in.
I am gonna print the poem for my Big Sis to share with her Little Ladies Sunday School class that she teaches.
I think this is one of the best post that you have shared with us.
Peace be with you friend.

Jeanette said...

Hi Dear Merle,I enjoyed our visit but promise to stay longer next time.. I was a little tired when I got home,watched the tennis. had a sleep in today,now im off to watch the mens match .
Great jokes I thought the robot was very funny, hehehehe giggle giggle.
Take care, keep warm my friend love Janxxx

Rosezilla said...

Dear Merle, thank you for your sweet apology. I realize that it would be nearly impossible to post jokes and not offend someone - normally if I don't care for a joke, I just roll my eyes and move to the next one. No doubt there are people who are offended by ones I find hilarious, and I'm sure there are plenty who think the robot joke funny. Unfortunately there has been so much pain on both sides of the race issue in America that I couldn't remain silent on that one. But I would never throw off a precious friendship on one questionable joke! Love, Rosezilla

Nancy said...

I see nothing wrong with your robot joke. After all, it is just a joke, for Pete's sake! Some people take them too seriously. We all need to smile every day, and you've made me do just that! And I thank you! I think you are a very sweet lady, and I find your blog very enjoyable and funny myself.

Have a great Sunday!

(((HUGS)))

Mountain Mama said...

Hello Merle. I hope all is well in your neck of the woods.
How fun to have friends come for a visit. And they look like a couple of really fun ladies to spend time twth too!

I love the H.S. Rice Poem. She certainly did some inspirational writing.

Take care and keep on telling us those jokes!
Hugs & Prayers

JunieRose2005 said...

Dear Merle,

Just catching up with you-

Well- I found the robot joke funny!

For goodness sakes- everyone in every walk of life has been joked about by someone, sometimes!

What about POLISH jokes-Mexican-Australian?? What about hillbilly jokes!!! The WHOLE South USA has been made fun of-ALWAYS! There are jokes targeting men- as well as women! There are jokes about priests... Holy Roller preachers! There are jokes about cops- blind, deaf and retarded and FAT people! LOL- Blond jokes!! BIG breasted women!! Our president!! There are jokes about old ladies and old men!! There are jokes about crippled people!

(OK- I fit into several of the above categories, but I'm not offended if I hear a joke that fits me!)

A joke is just that - A JOKE- just something to make someone smile or LOL! Jokes are not to be taken as a true statement!

And if we outlaw a joke because it might offend one group of people, shouldn't that apply to every other group as well?

Do we throw our freedom of speech out the window??

IMO- people should 'lighten' up about jokes! Or skip over the ones they don't like!

Everyone knows you are a kind and sweet lady and it bothers me that you had even a moment of discomfort because of ONE reader who objected to this joke!

Your friend,


June

mreddie said...

I'm glad you got a visit from your friends, that is most always a good thing. Hope the rest of your weekend went as well - our's was great! ec

K.C. said...

Lol here... Many times over... You went to a lot of trouble to make people laugh out loud didn't you... It worked! Kayce

Gattina said...

Thank you so much for your birthday wishes ! it's on the 8th but that doesn't matter ! We will celebrate tomorrow with cousins and friends. On wednesday we are going home. I have a lot of pictures to post afterwards !!

Jim said...

Hi Merle -- It was nice for Jeanette and Pauline to visit you. You get all the visitors! Is that fair, we need some too.

I'll go for the golf joke, I hadn't heard it before. I am still deciding how funny it really is.

I am sort of out of pocket, I've been to Blogstock 08 and Mrs. Jim and I are now in Colorado for a few days.
Cheers,
..

Dave said...

Merle,

I thought the joke was hilarious!!!

Most of us know that's not how you feel, and that it WAS just a joke.

All the best dear friend.
Dave

JunieRose2005 said...

Merle,

The most important thing in this situation to remember is that it's 'YOUR BLOG!' It's not right for someone else to tell you what is proper to post and what isn't!

I hope you will continue to post what feels right for YOU!

You have a big audience, Dear Merle! That should say a lot!

Love,
June

deborah wilson said...

Dear Merle,

I can identify with the middle of the night feedings - I'm just glad that I had bottles....I would have been in trouble if they were not available. Neither of my boys wanted the breast - even honey wouldn't coax them. lol

jenniferw said...

Unfortunately there is a great deal of truth in humor ... and vice versa.

audrey` said...

Dearest Merle

I always love your posts very much.
You're always very encouraging, warm, genuine, caring and sincere.

(((HUGS))) Merle =)))

You're loved by all of us here =)))