Saturday, February 21, 2009

The Lotus Touts.


Post 576 ~ ~ ~ Saturday, 21st February, 2009.

Hello my Friends ~~ I hope all is well with you wherever you are in this wonderful world of ours. All OK here at present, although more bad conditions for fires are predicted for Friday next. It was suggested they would be as bad as Black Saturday a fortnight ago and
as bad as Black Friday in 1939. I do hope they are very wrong this time.


It has been pleasant weather under 30 C or just over lately which is about 86 F . Has
anyone noticed how quickly February is passing? (Sorry Robyn.) Last night I watched my
football team have a good win over the Kangaroos in a Pre-season match. Only about a
month until the season proper stars. I like my footy. That is AFL -Aust Football League.

My first article tonight was sent to me by my niece Vicki. It is called "The Lotus Touts."
Thank you so much Vicki. I hope you are feeling some improvement in your health.

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

2. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills
will be as important as any other.

3. Don't believe all you hear, or spend all you have or sleep all you want.

4. When you say 'I love you', mean it.

5. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.

6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

7. Believe in love at first sight.

8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

11. Don't judge people by their relatives.

12. Talk slowly but think quickly.

13. When someone asks you a question you don't wat to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

15. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.

16. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

17. Remember the three Rs, Respect for self, Respect for others, and Responsibility for all your actions.

18. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

19. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

20. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

21. Spend some time alone.

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart,
<><>

My dear friend Barbara sent me this funny. Thank you my friend.

CADBURY'S CHOCOLATE-- confection for the Nation.

DO YOU EAT CADBURY'S CHOCOLATE ??

We were raised on CADBURY'S chocolate as kids and even into adulthood.

I will never eat it again. I hope from now on you will throw yours away whenever you are given any. It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore.

This is what happens when you eat CADBURY'S chocolate.

THIS IS A MEDICAL WARNING!!!
It could happen to you, your family and friends!




CADBURY'S Chocolate causes SMALL FEET !! Warn everyone !!
<><>
Next piece of fun was sent to me by my grandson, Scott. Thanks Scotty. I like it.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES!

All personel will now be required to look happy while working.

Company approved supplies will
be provided at little or no cost.

Workloads getting to you? Feeling stressed? Too many priorities and assignments?

Here is the new low cost, company approved solution to cope with multiple priorities
and assignments.
Each employee will be supplied with 2 paper clips and 2 rubber bands. See Fig 1:




Assemble them as shown in Fig 2:



Apply as shown in Fig 3:


Enjoy your day. This new office equipment will help you reach the end of a productive work day
with a smile on your face!
<><>

THE PASTA DIET and Your Health,
ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS!!

1. You Walka pasta da bakery.

2. You walka pasta da candy store.

3. You walka pasta da Ice CreM SHOP.

4. You walka pasta da table and the fridge.

You will lose weight!
And
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the English.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.<><>

Ramblings of a Retired Mind --Sent by my dear friend Patty. Thanks.

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped to their belt or purse. I can't afford one, so I'm wearing the garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have got what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people
didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, do you have a cat?"
Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company."

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency."
I think you should write, "A Good Doctor."

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just
hoping God grades on the curve.
<><>

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's surgery.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in a hell of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my care waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10.00 am tee off time at the best golf course in town. I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work. It's 9.30 already. anything to kill the pain. "What tooth is it, sir" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, darling, and show him."
<><>

One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her is a most unusual manner. He started by putting his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hands over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing, then started on the inside of her left thigh and then returned to the inside of her right thigh.

By this time, the woman was becoming aroused and then the man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping, darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote.
<><>

Have to close as my eyes won't stay open. Take care, my friends and be kind to each other. My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, M
erle.

Post 576 ~ ~ ~ Saturday, 21st February , 2009.
<><><>

17 comments:

Margaret Cloud said...

Thank you for coming by, I like football also, I didn't when we first married. I also like baseball and hockey. Your post is a good one again. That picture of the fat women, is this real or touched photo. I have seen on TV a program of people that look like that. The one Scott sent, ouch, looks like it hurts. You made me smile again friend, have a great weekend.

Susie said...

Hi Merle,
Goodness, I hope those fire predictors are wrong! That is just to scary to even think about..
Love the Lotus Touts, the Cadbury small feet and Ramblings of a Retired Mind !
Have a great weekend..
xoxo

Gledwood said...

Dear me...

... that fatty lady on the left, looks like she's accidentally sat on a tyre-inflator and got it stuck...

Technonana said...

Oh My Word!!! I think I'm going to have nightmares about Cadbury chocolate!!!
The remote control story was out of control!!
I hope the predictions are wrong... you don't need anymore of that!!

Patty said...

Dear Merle, Once again you've tickled my funny bone. Found these very amusing. Here it is only 4:45 in the afternoon and I'm almost falling asleep at the computer. I guess I either need to go take a short nap before dinner/supper or go to bed earlier at night. LOL Snowing here again, cold at 30 F with some wind blowing. Just finished playing a game of Phase Ten with daughter and granddaughter, the 8 year old beat us. Game was over around 4:30. Audrey's getting good at the game. Sleep well tonight. More later. Love, Patty

Glennis said...

Good idea; with the paperclips and rubber bands, very clever.
Good jokes!
I hope you are still safe after the disastrous fires and devastation.

Jack K. said...

All the jokes have me laughing heartily.

I particularly liked Vicki's piece. It is so wise.

Young Scott has a great sense of humour too.

As for chocolate, all thing in moderation. I am particularly partial to Dove dark chocolate pieces, but only two after lunch and two after dinner.

Hope the fires don't come as predicted.

Stay safe and cool.

Winifred said...

Hope there are no more fires to come. We saw the memorial service today it was very moving.

Love those stories.

I have to refute those lies about Cadbury's chocolate giving you small feet. Mine are getting bigger not smaller no matter how many Flakes and cream eggs I eat.

Janice said...

Lol, I like the last one.

Hmm, I think my hubby was looking for something in bed that way too.

Janice~

Jeanette said...

Gday dear Merle.. I was only watching the Bowls. saw a lot of top bowlers in action... .

Hahaha,, great post,, Like the Lotus touts .. and I think I better stop eating chocolate I want keep seeing my feet LOL

Carlton had a good win and Didnt Fevola play well..
Hope the Tigers play well Thursday eve.. well my friend im off to bed... Love Janxxxxx

Dave said...

*LOL* Great post as always Merle!!

I hope you're doing well...

Gina E. said...

Now Merle, that last joke about the remote was a tad risque..so I must show my MIL!
I'm afraid you are right about the fires getting worse. Ken could see the flames from Eastlink today. That is far too close for my liking. We are still getting the 8 kookaburras every day, but if the Dandenongs go up in smoke, there will be heaps more birds coming into the suburbs.

Big Dave T said...

So what to they call "soccer" in Australia if football is Australian rules football? I know when I was in London I was warned NOT to use the word soccer to describe English football.

I like the maxim: Don't just people by their relatives. And that kitty litter for company had me chuckling a lot.

Hope you're having a great week and that the fires stay dormant there.

Pamela said...

I have small feet. thats the problem? ha ha ha ha ha

audrey` said...

"The Lotus Touts" is so true =) Thank you so much for sharing it with us, Merle (((HUGS)))

linda may said...

Oh Merle! give that husband s slap for me! He he.

Dreadnought said...

Hi Merle, I was only saying to Vicki last night how it doesn't seem 8 weeks since Christmas. Time seems to be getting faster. As you're looking forward to your footie starting I'm looking forward to the V8s kicking off again. Bob.