Post 581 ~ ~ ~ Saturday, 7th March, 2009.
Hello Everyone ~~ I am still improving and having less pain. I hope all is well at your homes as we head toward another weekend. I am having a niece and nephew visit
tomorrow and they will stay overnight. So that will be nice, and the meals are already done which makes it easier for me.
I will start tonight with a story my cousin sent me. Many thanks Bill.
Life explained !
One evening, an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people,
He said, "My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all."
One is Evil. -- It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity,
guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy,
benevolence, generosity, truth, compassion and truth.
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
Thank you for the next one dear Nancy. "How long before a haircut?"
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About two hours."
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About three hours."
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the ahop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor.....
Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a
haircut, but then doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."
Thank you Warren for this one.
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first
meeting with the devil.
Satan : "Why so glum?"
Guy " What do you think? I'm in hell."
Satan : Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan : "Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'till we throw up, and then we drink some more. And you don't hsve to worry about getting a hangover
because you're dead anyway."
Guy : "Gee that sounds great."
Satan : "You a smoker?"
Guy : "You better believe it."
Satan : "All right. You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead
Guy : "Wow ... that's awesome."
"Satan : "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy : "Well, as a matter of fact, I do."
Satan : "Good, because Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack,
roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyway.
Guy : "Cool."
Satan : "What about drugs?"
Guy : "Are you kidding? Love drugs. You don't mean....?"
Satan : "That's right. Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great Big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead, so who cares?"
Guy : "Wow. I never realized Hell was such a cool place."
Satan : "You gay?"
Guy : "No....."
Satan : Oooh, Fridays are gonna be tough !!!"
Another from my friend Warren. Thank you mate.
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mph, sir."
The driver says, "Gee Officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs
Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says, "Now don't be silly dear, you know this
car doesn't have cruise control.
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't
you keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should
be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer writes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man
glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit woman, can't you keep
your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice you aren't wearing your seat belt, sir, That's
an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer. I had it on, but took it off when you pulled
me over so I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.
You never wear your seat belt when you are driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks,
"WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does yur husband always talk to you
this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he has been drinking." the woman replied.
Another from my friend Nancy, Thank you for the jokes etc.
After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said,
"Honey, 40 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and
watched a 10 inch black and white television, but I got to sleep evey night with a hot
18 year old girl. Now I have a $500,000 home, two $45,000 cars, a nice big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 58 year old woman who is not a hot chick
anymore. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a 18 year old hot
chick, and she would make sure that I once again would be living in a cheap apartment, and driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10 inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-ife crisis.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time which produced
an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him
rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath, This made him (Oh
man, this is so bad, it's good) a super callused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.
There was the person who sent ten different puns to ten friends, with the hope that at
least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Some jackeroos are on an outback sheep station, going through the Myers catalogue
looking at the models. One says to the other, "Can you believe how beautiful these
girls are, in the catalogue?" The other responds, "Yeah, and did you see those prices?"
The first one says, "Yeah, They're really not that expensive. At that price, I am gonna
buy one." "Great idea, order one and if she's as good looking as her picture in the catalogue, I'm gonna buy one too."
Three weeks later , the second jackeroo asks his buddy, "Mate, did that sheila you ordered from the catalogue ever arrive?"
"Not yet mate," says the first one. "But it shouldn't be too long now. They delivered
her clothes yesterday."
Time to say Goodnight my friends and I hope you got a chuckle over some of those.
Have a wonderful weekend and be kind to one another. My love and best wishes
to you all. Cheers, Merle.
Post 581 ~ ~ ~ Saturday, 7th March, 2009.