Wednesday, March 11, 2009

ASAP.

Post 582 ~ ~ ~ Wednesday, 11th March, 2009.

Hello Everyone ~~Time to get back to posting, as I have had a break. I hope you are all well and life is good for you. I am still having pain on walking, but slightly less than before.
But apart from that, life is good. My nephew Anthony and his wife Deborah came on Sunday as expected. We had lunch and talked etc and later we had dinner. Then Debbie asked if I wanted a hand with the dishes, before they go. This was a shock because usually they stay at least one night. Anyway they went back to Wodonga (about 1.5 hours travel) to stay with their son. And I did the dishes. A photo below.




Anthony is my eldest nephew, and is a fire fighter. The fires came fairly close to their home.

My first piece tonight is called "ASAP" and was sent by my dear fiend Patty. Thank you.

Ever wonder what the abbreviation A.S.A.P.? Generally we think of it in terms of even more hurry and stress in our lives. Maybe if we think of this abbreviation in a different manner, we will begin to find a new way to deal with those rough days along the way.
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There's work to do, deadlines to meet; You've got no time to spare. But as you hurry and scurry - ASAP - ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER.

In the midst of family chaos, "Quality time" is rare, Do your best; let God do the rest -- ASAP -- ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER.

It may seem like your worries Are more than you can bear. Slow down and take a breather -- ASAP - ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER.

God knows how stressful life is; He wants to ease our cares, And He'll respond to all your needs - A.S.A.P. - ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER.

God bless and have a wonderful day.
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My dear friend Sherrill sent me the first joke. Thank you Sherrill, it's a good one.

The Bathtub Test.
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than a teacup or the teaspoon."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Are you going to pass this on, or do you want the bed next to mine??
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Thank you Warren for the next one.

I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. (He is 92.)
We decided to grab a bite to eat at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My Dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man, never dne anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock...... I was just wondering if you were my son."
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Next one was sent by my good friend, Linda May. Thank you Linda.

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier."

She looked at the men in the room, "And Gentlemen, Remember -- You are in this together -- it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" answered the teacher.

"I was just wondering. Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
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The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company, Larnrod Eireann.

Gentlemen.
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day.

I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly, Patrick Finegan.

Dear Mr. Finegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely, Larnrod Eireann.

Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history.

If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.

That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train over the last two years.

Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan.
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Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"In honor of this
holy season." St Peter said. "You must each possess something that aymbolises Christmas to get into Heaven."

The first man fumbled in his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it
on and said: "It represents a candle." "You may pass through the Pearly gates," said St.Peter.

The second man reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." "You may pass through the Pearly Gates, 'said St.Peter.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St Peter looked at the man and asked, "And just what do these symbolise?"
The man replies, "Thes
e are Carols."
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What is the difference between a UFO and a smart man?

"Don't know because I have never seen either.
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A young mam went through a check-out at the supermarket.
He had in his basket: one potato, one carrot, cauliflour, one piece of pumpkin, one chop, one apple. one orange - (you get the picture.)

The young checkout girl remarked to the young man and guessed he must be single. He said, "How did you know ?" She replied, "You're ugly."
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Time to say goodnight, my friends. Be kind to one another and
enjoy your lives. I hope the rest of the week will be great for all.
My love and best wishes, Merle.

Post 582 ~ ~ ~ Wednesday, 11th March, 2009.
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16 comments:

Dave said...

*laughing* Great jokes as always Merle.

I hope you feel better real soon too. *Smile*

Technonana said...

Okay... I am rolling in the floor!! The peacock Joke... I gotta use that one!!
Glad to know you are feeling better!!
Your Friend in SC,
Sharon

Margaret Cloud said...

Hi Merle, sorry you still have some pain, but you know us old people once we get a pain we don't seem to get rid of it. Too bad your nephew and wife could not stay over and keep you company. I liked the old mans answer to the teenager. Very funny, again my smile, you take care friend, be safe and have a good week and weekend. Thanks for coming by.

Beth E. said...

I'm glad you are feeling some better, Merle. Praying for your complete recovery!

Thanks for all of the funny things you post. They bring a smile to my day! :o)

Granny on the Web said...

Lots of goodies here Merle. I think the one about the 92 year old man and the peacock joke is just the ticket to send to a friend of mine, I can't divulge why, but it is so appropriate to her.

LOVE GRANNY

raccoonlover1963 said...

Hello dear Merle.
Sorry to hear you have been dealing with some pain. I hope you get feeling better soon.
Love the post, as always. The jokes are great. The last one was really good!
Take care and have a great rest of the week.
Lisa

Jack K. said...

Hope you get well ASAP

Jack K. said...

Hope you get well ASAP

Jack K. said...

Loved the peacock joke the best. The rest were more than mildly amusing, but the peacock joke had me laughing out loud.

Rosezilla said...

I hope your pain keeps fading, and it's too bad your company couldn't stay later. I'm sure you enjoyed them while they were there tho. I liked the ASAP poem. and the peacock joke! I'm afraid i'd have to stay at the mental hospital too, I'd of used the bucket!

Gramma Ann said...

Hello Merle,

I'm glad to hear you are slowly feeling a wee bit better. It was nice of your family to stop by for a visit and food. You put a smile on my face again. Have a nice week-end.

Ann

Puss-in-Boots said...

Glad you're feeling a bit better, Merle. I guess 1.5 hours is not so bad...my brother lives that time and distance away from me and a day trip is sometimes all I can make. When I can, I stay the night and we have a good evening together going out for dinner and then sharing a bottle of wine at home.

Keep well and look after yourself.

Hugs.

Patty said...

Dear Merle, some great jokes once again. Nice you were able to spend some time with your nephew and his wife.

As for the pregnant women in class and the one husband asking if she could carry his golf clubs, I would have wrapped a golf club around his neck.

Sleep well, Love Patty

Jim said...

Merle, I am envious. Non of my relatives come visit me so much and I don't think they ever will.
If I move closer to Karen I think she would check on me every day. She calls most every day now.

I've heard the peacock joke a few times and still like it a lot. They were all good tonight, the heaven joke surprised me.

Rest that leg up but don't let it get stiff. That may be hard to do but it has to heal.
Have you been to your doctor about it yet?
..

Jeanette said...

Gday My Dear friend,Pleased to hear your feeling a little better..
Your jokes gave me a little laughter after a very sad couple of weeks..things will prob.settle down again after the funeral on Wednesday.. I have done a small post with Carols help and tears streaming down our faces..

Winifred said...

Hope your leg continues to improve Merle.

That peacock story was a scream.