Thursday, April 23, 2009

My Online Friends.

Post 592 ~ ~ ~ Thursday, 23rd April, 2009.

Hello my friends ~ ~ How are things in your part of the world? All OK here and we have had another nice day. We have a prediction of really cold weather and RAIN in the next
few days. So if the rain comes, the cold will be worth it. Everyone wants rain, farmers, gardeners and even Taxi drivers as they talk on our drives around the place.

I have had a hair trim at last, as I was looking like the wicked witch of the west, not being able to get there while my pain was too severe. Yesterday I had my eyes tested and
even ordered an extra pair to use while I am on the computer.

My good friend Nancy had a birthday yesterday, so a very Happy birthday, my friend.
Please take care of yourself and don't work so hard.

I found this small item among other pages and hope you like it.
It is called "My Online Friends."

Your Heart is your Love, Your Love is your Family
Your family is your future, Your future is your Destiny.

Your Destiny is your Ambition.

Your Ambition is your Aspiration, Your aspiration is your Motivation
Your motivation is your Belief. Your belief is your Peace.

Your Peace is your Target.

Your target is Heaven. Heaven is no fun without FRIENDS.
<><>

My son Geoff sent me the first item of the joke variety. Thanks Geoff.
It is called "ONLY AUSSIES. "




This should enlarge to read the words on it.

Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgium beer,
then on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab, to sit on Swedish
furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

Oh and .... Only in Australia can a Pizza get to your house faster than an Ambulance.

Only in Australia . . . do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back
of the shop to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Australia . . . do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a Diet Coke.

Only in Australia . . . do banks leave both doors wide open and chain the pens to the
conters.

Only in Australia . . . do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the drive-way
and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

NOT TO MENTION. . .

3 Aussies die each year testing if a 9 volt battery works on their tongue.

58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Aussies have died since 1986 by watering their Christmas tree while the
fairy lights were plugged in.

8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette
in their mouth.

A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years after
opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

and finally

In 2000 eight Aussies cracked their skulls whilst throwing up into the toilet.
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An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking he would start by
working his way across the USA from South to North. On his first day he was
inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted
on the wall with a sign that read $10,000 per call.

The American , intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was
used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000,
you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went on his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of
telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was, She
told him it was a direct line to heaven and for $10,000 he could talk to God.
"OK, thank you," said the American.

He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia. Boston, and New York.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same $10,000 per call
sign under it.

The American decided to travel to Australia to see if they had the same phone. He
arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same
golden phone, but this time the sign under it read, "40 cents per call. The American
was surprised so he asked the priest about it.

"Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in
many churches. I'm told that is a direct line to heaven, but in the US the price was
$10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, son. It's a local call."
<><>

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow. You must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I 've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy comes in to the bar and placed the same order for drinks. When the barman asked what the problem was today, the answer came back.
"I've just found out my younger brother is gay too."

On the third day, the guy comes back into the bar and odered another 6 double vodkas.
The bartender said, "Darn, Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife .. . ."
<><>

I have told the next joke to many of the taxi drivers, and they like it.

A man was in a taxi when he reached across and tapped the taxi driver on the shoulder.
At that, the taxi driver screamed, He pressed down both the brake and accelerator at once, spinning the taxi around in front of oncoming traffic before finally ending up in
front of a bus stop halfway over the curb.

Ashen faced the driver turned to the shaken passenger and said, "Don't ever do that
again."
Stuttering, the passenger apologised and so the taxi driver calmed down a bit and also apologised saying, "It's my fault. I only started this job yesterday. For the last
25 years, I've been driving hearses."
<><>

When my car broke down, I got out and found to my horror that I had locked my
two year old son and his baby sister inside. I ran to a nearby house to call my husband.

The baby was crying when I returned, so I yelled to my son to put her dummy in her
mouth to pacify her. "What did you say Mum?" he asked -- then wound the window
down to hear better. I'd forgotten he knew how to do that.
<><>

Having lived in our house for four years, we were moving on. My husband had backed
the car up to our garage door so we could start loading all the boxes.

At that moment, one of our neighbors c
ame walking across the road carrying a plate of cake.
"Isn't that thoughtful?" my husband said to me. " They must have realised we've packed

away our kitchen stuff."

The neighbor stuck out his hand and boomed, "Welcome to the neighborhood."
<><>

Well that is enough for this post. I hope you liked something in it. Look after yourselves
and each other. Enjoy the weekend coming up. My love and best wishes to you all.
Cheers, Merle.

Post 592 ~ ~ ~ Thursday, 23rd April, 2009.
<><><>

19 comments:

Dave said...

Well Merle, you're getting the cool weather, we're getting the warm! Supposed to get to 75 tomorrow, and in the 80's Saturday and Sunday!

Oh, and the "Only in Australia" things, could also be "Only in the US" *chuckling*

Take care dear friend!

Joseph Pulikotil said...

Hi Merle :)

I enjoyed reading this post very much.

The Australian map gives a mini trip of the vast country. The various facts you have listed down about Australia is an eye opener. Every single joke is fantastic and it made me laugh and laugh and laugh --

It is said that laughter is the best medicine. I have laughed so much for the day and I suppose I can skip my tablets :)

Have a lovely day Merle :)
Joseph

Jack K. said...

Good to know you are feeling so much better. I am sure that getting your hair done was a treat.

A beautiful post as usual.

loved the jokes. Thanks for sharing.

Stay healthy.

Margaret Cloud said...

I always say I look like a witch when I need a haircut. That was a good one by you son Geoff, I liked the pizza one, tell him very funny. You certainly do receive some funny jokes and articles. Very funny post, thank you for coming by. Take care friend and be safe, also enjoy the week.

Patty said...

Enjoyed them all but especially the bar joke, the kids locked in the car and the Welcome to the Neighborhood. Apparently the family must have been very quiet living there, since the neighbors thought they were a new family moving in.

I'm a little pooped right now, I grocery shopped this morning, put all the items away, mowed the front lawn, stopped and fixed a bite of lunch, did up the dishes from breakfast and lunch, made a bowl of cole slaw to go along with dinner tonight, then went out and mowed the back yard.

So now, just trying to catch up with the blogs, Granddaughter will be home soon from school, then it will be time to prepare dinner. Have a great evening.

audrey` said...

It's ok, Merle =) (((HUGS)))
I enjoyed the laugh ^grin^

Peter said...

G'day Merle, good to see you are sounding much more cheerful, keep up the good work, you'll soon be three years older than me again.

Pamela said...

I chuckled all the way thru.

"welcome to the neighborhood"

Oh my... the truth is we just aren't very neighborly anymore, are we. sigh.

Jeanette said...

Gday Dear Merle,
Loved reading you are feeling a lot better, and getting your hair done in sure will make you feel a lot better. I had mine cut on Thursday, Great jokes,I had a lot of laughs here today.
I,Im Off to Adelaide Sunday will call in Saturday if all goes to plan. OOOppps that is if your home.Keep well . Janxxxxxxxxx

Gina E. said...

Hi Merle,
Glad to hear you are feeling better at last! Like everyone here, I always enjoy your jokes, but don't often comment on them. But I have to say I laughed out loud about the golden telephone line to God - ain't that the truth! Heaven on earth is indeed our wonderful country - bushfires and floods notwithstanding!
(Aussie Aussie Aussie)

karisma said...

Hi Merle, just popped by from Peters blog as I noticed your comment about pain for life! There is no such think my love. If you think like that you will manifest it.

Keep telling yourself the pain is not there and it will go away. Sending many happy healing thoughts your way.

Hugs and PS, get a massage on your lower back, a gentle one!

Joy Des Jardins said...

Oh Merle, I'm sorry you are still feeling so much pain sweetie. I hate hearing that. I wish it would just go away for good Merle. Do you have any prognosis on that? I know these back and leg problems take a lot of time. My cousin just had back surgery a few days ago and is hoping that does the trick for her. I have a problem with a muscle in my lower back from time to time and try to keep it stretched out with exercises everyday because I sit so long at this computer.

You have been on my mind. Please take care of yourself dear friend. I hope you do get that rain. Much love, Joy

Lady Di Tn said...

Merle
Love the jokes. No wonder the taxi driver love that joke. I hope you get a nice steady rain but no gully washer. It is 86 degrees here today and that is 15 degrees above normal. The yardmen are gone from next door so Maggie and I can venture out now. Peace

Gramma Ann said...

I am so glad to hear you are feeling somewhat better.. I enjoyed the jokes today, they made me chuckle.

Have a great week-end and enjoy your friends.

Winifred said...

The tears are streaming with laughing at those Aussie facts especially the one about cracking their skulls throwing up in the toilet. Wicked!

Inrestingly Barclays here stopped chaining the pens up and offer them free!

Brilliant stuff my friend Merle. Hope you're having a good weekend and you're in less pain now.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Maneating koalas??? I sincerely hope not...we have a few around our place.

I do like the Australian jokes, especially the one about the golden telephones...God's own country...that's for sure.

I'm glad you're able to get out and about more, Merle. The pain seems to have settled down somewhat. Hope the cooler weather doesn't set it off again.

Have a great week. Hugs.

Susie said...

Hi Merle,
So glad to hear you felt well enough to get out and get your hair cut. I know a haircut always brightens my spirts.
Loved all the jokes, but the taxi driver one was my favorite. Guess that would be bound to give one a start!
Take care my friend :)
xoxo

mreddie said...

You sound as though you are doing some better - hope this is a fact. Hope you get the rain, we need some as well. ec

PEA said...

Hello dear Merle:-)

I do hope you got the rain that was needed! We've had quite a bit of it here but at least it helped get rid of the rest of the snow. Today it's supposed to go up to 20c so we are starting to get some warmer temps:-)

I so enjoyed the chuckles from those jokes and also loved the Online Friends poem!! That Australian map is just too funny, especially the "sharks with frickin' lasers"! lol

Think of you often, my friend, and pray that you're feeling better every day! xoxo