Sunday, May 17, 2009

Heaven and Hell.

Post 598 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 17th May, 2009.

Hello My Friends ~ ~ As I have a technician coming in the morning to service my computer, I thought I had better put a post on in case he has to take it away. I hope it doesn't turn out to be an ID ten T problem. Write it down.

I hope all is well with your lives, weather nice, health as well as can be expected. I am back to normal again with my usual back ache that I have had for years. I cooked some Lemon chicken this morning and
I will make the Lemon Sauce in the morning. It is yummy.

Tonight's story is called Heaven and Hell, Author Unknown.

A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said
"Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like."

The Lord led the holy man to two doors.

He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy
man's mouth water.

The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished.

They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped
to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew
and take a spoonful. But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back to their mouths.

The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.
The Lord said, "You have seen Hell.

They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large
pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people
were equipped with the same long handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.

The holy man said, "I don't understand."

"It is simple," said the Lord. It requires but one skill. You see they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves."

It is estimated that 93% won't forward this. I am one of the 7% so remember that I will always share my spoon with you.

Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop and look around, once in awhile you may just miss it.
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A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers. : Thank you Robyn for this one.

1. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you are all dying to get home, unless, of course, you are married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to
the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2. Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
suffering from E & B syndrome; not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I am given any."

3. "
Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere
between Stratfird and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

$. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now .... "Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall ....."

5. "We are travelling through Baker Street...As you can see, Baker St
is closed. It would have been nice if they had told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about that."

6. "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage
these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

7. During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen . . . Unfortunately towels are not provided."


8. "Let the passengers off the train FIRST" Pause. "OH, go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care. I am going home."

9. "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate
instructions."

10. "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw
yourself or your bags into the doors."

11. "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

12. "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear' don't you understand?"

13. "Please move all baggage away from the doors." Pause. "Please
move ALL belongings away from the doors." Pause. "This is a
personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door."

14. "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it around the rest of the carriage.
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Thank you Gina E for the next one.

On his 74th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation. The medicine man was rumored to have a wonderful
cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, wondering what was to come.

The old medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, which he handed to the 74 year old. With a grip on his shoulder, the
medicine man warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only one teaspoonful and say "1-2-3.

When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been
in your life and you will be able to perform as long as you want."
The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4." he responded. "But when she does the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
The old man was very eager to see if the potion worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off all his clothes and said, "1-2-3."
Immediately he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes . . .and then
she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that boys and girls is why we should never end our sentences
with a preposition or one will end up with a dangling participle.
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Just one more from my friend Warren. Thanks, Mate.

You would think the teacher would know better by now.
Gotta love Little Johnny, don't cha?

A teacher asked her class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my Grandad's
farm and we saw all his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate' not fascinating."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said , "Well that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'. not fascinated."

Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny
before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
"fascinate", so she called on him for his offering.

Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.

The teacher sat down and cried.
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That is enough for tonight. Look after yourselves and each other.
Share some smiles with someone who needs some. My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post ~ ~ 598 Sunday, 17th May, 2009.
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16 comments:

Granny on the Web said...

Hi Merle. Another laugh-a-minute post, I do love having a giggle, and you are always sure to offer the best.
Hope the servicing goes off OK, and not too many hitches on the computer. Sorry to hear you also are having a back back time, me too. Just have to get on with life, don't we?
Lemon Chicken sounds scrumptious. Have a plate for me too.LOL!
Love Granny

Gledwood said...

Best of luck with the computer... I'm just popping round to say HI! as I've not been anywhere for nearly a week. Take care and all the best Merle ;->...

Patty said...

Dear Merle, Good luck with the computer. Hope nothing is seriously wrong with it.

Loved the announcements the London Tube Drivers called out. Have a great day, what's left of it for you, and sleep well. Love, Patty

Jack K. said...

Great post as usual.

Glad to know you are feeling better.

Loved #13 & #14.

The English lesson is important. Thanks for sharing.

All is well with us.

Pamela said...

okay.. I admit... I needed a laugh today.

I loved the erectile dysfunction one. Now, if I can just remember it long enough to tell it.

Nancy said...

Hi Merle,

Loved the remarks by the tube driver.

Two years ago I boarded the Sunset Limited which runs for 3,000 miles from Miami to Los Angeles. The conductor told us he had a few announcements to make before starting the train.

His exact words; "There will be no eating on this train except in the dining car. There will be no drinking on this train except in the club car. There will be no talking, no reading of books or magazines and No looking out the window. ENJOY YOUR TRIP!!!

Beth E. said...

Loved the jokes, Merle...especially the one about "fascinate." Haha

Hope your computer gets fixed quickly, so you can post again soon.

Have a great week!

Jeanette said...

Gday Dear Merle.I hope you get your computer Problems sorted out very quickly I dont think you can call it a IDiot\ prob your too alert for that.
G
Lots of laughter here today with the train driver. but you cant beat Little Johnny. I love him and his antics LOL..
Take care my friend,Love Janxxxxx

Dave said...

Another morning you have me laughing hard Merle..!

I hope your PC is ok by now and everything's back to normal! *S*

Gina E. said...

I do NOT have a nephew named Little Johnny!!!!!

Joseph Pulikotil said...

Hi Merle:)

Greetings:)

I'm glad to read that you are keeping good health.

Although you are being troubled with a back ache, you are making wonderful dishes to eat. Lemon chicken with lemon sauce sounds fantastic. If you have anything left over just send it to me:)

You are the only person who is posting such lovely jokes. I enjoyed reading them.

Take care Merle:)
Joseph

Christina said...

Hi Merle, I'm glad you're doing well. I hope your computer is OK without too much trouble. I like the heaven and hell story and LOL at little Johnny!

Christina

Fred said...

I laughed at the announcements made by the London Tube drivers. On one occasion, I accidentally grabbed the box to stop the train in case of an emergency. It was an accident...the train bounced and I grabbed onto it to stop from falling down.

Well, the driver came on a few minutes later and announced that someone "stupid" had delayed their journey.

Margaret Cloud said...

Hi Merle, I had a good overnight visit with my sister, we had fun. Glad to hear you have the normal aches and pains. My favorite ones, the 1-2-3- for and of course Little Johnny, have a great week and be save my friend.

Janice said...

Hi Merle,

I loved the Tub announcements.

I hope you get your computer fixed, blogging just isn't the same without you.

Janice~

Puss-in-Boots said...

Hi Merle. I'm glad your back is back to "normal"...pain, that is, not too bad. I hope the computer is not too expensive to get fixed, they can be pricey things to fix at times.

Loved the erectile dysfunction joke and I'd forgotten that one I sent you, so I got a laugh all over again.

Take care and that lemon chicken sounds soooo yummy. Hugs.