Monday, June 08, 2009

The Middle Wife.

Post 605 ~~ Monday, 8th June, 2009.

Hello My Friends ~~ Here we go again. I hope all is going well for you. I am fine and
today is my eldest son's birthday. John turned 55, so is 20 years younger than me.
We had a holiday today, so he had a day off work. I planned to put a picture, but
Blogger had other ideas. Anyway he featured in my birthday photos.

The weather here is going to be cooler here tomorrow - 3 C which is 37 F overnight
and tomorrow, shopping day expected to be 11 C which is 51 F.
As the story tonight is a bit long, I will get to it now.

It is called "The Middle Wife." and the Author is Unknown.

The Middle Wife.

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best
birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years ago.

When I was a kid, I loved show- and- tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually show- and- tell is pretty tame.
Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.
And I never ever place boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school
and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant: "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I am going
to tell you about his birthday."

"first, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my
Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for 9 months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing
I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then about 2 Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh.'"
Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like
an hour, 'Oh, Oh, Oh.'" (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

My Dad called the middle wife. "She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car, like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." (Then Erica
lies down with her back against the wall.)

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty,
and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew." (This kid has her legs
spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much.)

"Then the middle wife starts saying "Push, push" and "Breathe. breathe." They started
counting, but never got past ten. Then all of a sudden, out comes my little brother.
He was covered in yucky stuff that they said it was from Mom's play-center (placenta)
so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked
him for crawling up in there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I
applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case anothe "Middle Wife" comes along.

Another few "And that's how the fight started." jokes. Thank you to my cousin, Bill.

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman
that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed
my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security
office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants.You might have got Disability too."
And that's how the fight started.

I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we were alongside the road and slowly the other
driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes little things just seem funny.

Well, I couldn't believe it. . . .He was a DWARF !!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY !!!"

So I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And that's when the fight started.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a
drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife, asked "Do you know her?"

"Yes, I sighed, "she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God," says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And that's how the fight started.

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what
she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat, and ugly. I really
need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's dam near perfect.
And that's how the fight started.......

Final Words Joke.
The groom approached the minister before the wedding and said, " I'll give you $100 if during the vows, you leave out all the stuff about honoring and obeying, till death do
us part. The minister took the money and said he'd do it.

During the ceremony, when it came time for the groom's vowss, the minister said,
"Do you promise to love your wife completely, do whatever she says, and give her
breakfast in bed every morning, as long as you both shall live?"

In a small voice, the groom said "I do." Later he took the minister aside and said, "Hey,
what happened?" The minister said, "Your wife made me a much better offer."

More from my friend Embee. Thank you Mike.

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the Obituary
column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died !!"

"Yes, I saw it, replied Finney. "Where are you calling from?"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath. and sees an empty wine bottle
on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it Again."

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.
"Oh, yeah?" said Charlie, "and how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, She came to me on her hands and knees.."
"Really," says Charles. "Now that's a switch. What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his bottom., a whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror
to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood and
shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night, weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why do you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the
bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could
be your bloodshot eyes, but's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

Next one is from my friend Lorraine. Thanks, Lorraine.

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty
of a bird feeder it is as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds
taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio above the table and
next to the barbecue.

Then came the s**t. It was everywhere on the patio tiles, the chairs, the table, every-

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive-bomb me and try to peck me
even thould I had fed them out of my own pocket.

And other birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and
screamed at all hours of the day and night and demand I fill it , when it got low on food.

After a while. I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days, the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be...quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let's see... Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical
care, free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.

Then the illegals come by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be
seen by an emergency room doctor. Your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools
because over half the class doesn't speak English.

Corn Fakes now come in bilingual box, I have to "press one" to hear my bank talk to me
in English and people waving flags other than the "Maple Leaf" are squawking and
screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.

Time to stop and write out a grocery list for the morning. Take good care, my friends
and I hope the week is going well for you and your loved ones. My love and best
wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 605 ~ ~ Monday, 8th June, 2009.


LZ Blogger said...

Merle ~ There are some cute ones here. but... "but's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror." Was my favorite one! ~ jb///

Gledwood said...

That's a v entertaining post as ever, Merle...

... ps I know what you mean when you say "Blogger had other ideas" ~ happens to me all the time ;->...

Fred said...

Happy Birthday to John!

I would love for the government to take down the bird feeder. Unfortunately, I doubt it will happen.

Winifred said...

Merle you've exceeded yourself here. They are so funny. I love the middle wife story.

I can always rely on you to make me laugh. Thank you

Patty said...

Once again, some really funny ones, I like the ones called, and that's how the fight started. But they all gave me a chuckle, except the bird feeder one, because around here, that is so true. Some just keep taking and taking with no thought of things running out or dry. And they are the first ones to complain if it runs out or goes dry. Sometimes it seems help is given to the wrong people and the ones that really need it can't seem to get help. Hope you have a nice shopping day tomorrow. A man is suppose to come out tomorrow afternoon and change our water meter. This house was built with the meter in the closet in the living room, which means you have to let them in to read it, they are going to switch something so they can slowly drive down the street with some little gismo and read the meters from the car. Right, we'll probably be getting our neighbors billing all the time. LOL We'll see how it's going to work out. Sleep well.

Puss-in-Boots said...

That middle wife story is so good, only a kid could say it like that.

I do like those "That's how the fight started" jokes. I can just see the scenarios.

Our weather has turned very cold today. It's a beautiful sunny day but there's a very cold southerly blowing and it chills everything down. I can see the heating going on quite early tonight.

Keep warm and take care. Hugs.

Joy Des Jardins said...

Happy Birthday John! Hope he had a wonderful day...

Hope you are feeling good Merle and things are going well with you my dear friend.

Enjoyed your posts...especially the Middle Wife....take care sweetie....Love, Joy

Rosezilla said...

Oh, Merle, I just loved the Middle Wife story! That was so cute... aren't kids great?

A New Beginning said...

Hi Merle, this is the first time that I am visitn your blog, its great and I loved the stories posted by you.Keep up the great work!

Dave said...

What a great post this is Merle!!!

I hope you're staying warm "Down Under" dear friend..!

Oh, and a belated happy birthday to your son!

Jeanette said...

Gday Dear Merle, Ohhh I missed John's birthday. Very Happy belated Birthday wishes to John,,
Great Jokes, Another vote for the middle wife..Gees the weather has turned icy. I hope your staying inside and keeping warm. My heater running non stop turning it down verylow when I go to bed.that reminds me im off to bed playing indoor pennant tomorrow, and just posted Orange world.. Take care Dear Merle love Janxxxx

Christina said...

cute story 'The Middle Wife" - kids can be so funny. my 4 year old is a constant source of entertainment.

Margaret Cloud said...

Tell John a Happy Birthday and hope you have a very nice shopping trip. These were very good and funny. I especially liked the one about the bird feeder, very, very true. Have a great weekend my friend and be safe.

Mountain Mama said...

Hi Merle. A happy belated birthday to your son.
I got a kick out of your jokes, especially the band aid on the mirror! LOL

Do you know of Tracie who has Tracieisland blog? She hasn't posted since February when the fires were so bad there. I pray she is ok and the fires didn't cause her ny trouble.

I had to water everything tonight. It has been hot and dry here, more like July or August temps. We are supposed to get rain in a few days and I'm actually looking forward to it!

audrey` said...

HaHa! The Middle Wife is so funny =)