Monday, July 20, 2009

One Day at a Time.

Post 616 ~ ~ Monday, 20th July, 2009.

Hello again my friends. ~~ I have had a few frustrating days of being unable to
receive my e mails. I could send them , but not get them for four days. After
more than an hour on the phone today, I have finally got it sorted out, so all is
well. It involved getting a new password as it previously was a 6 letter name,
but that is not acceptable without a couple of figures after it. Funny it worked
earlier last week.

A very Happy Birthday to a blogging friend Kerri for tomorrow 21st July.
Have a wonderful day Kerri. Please wish her a good day.

I hope everything is going well for all of you and that life is good. My son, John
arrived home after being away since last Thursday. Another far rider's meeting,
where they have to ride 1000 kilometres from home, he was in Queensland
for the meeting, but didn't have time to visit my brother, Peter. It is always
such a rush, but he is home safe, thankfully. Mothers do worry, especially with
motor-cycles and such long distances.

Just a short opening article. called "One Day at a Time." Unknown author.

One day at a time, this is enough.

Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone. . . .

And do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come.

Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth

remembering.
<><>

My friend Lisa sent me the first joke. Thank you Lisa.

Old Timer Sex. This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy.
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time
we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern
where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again, and we can do
it again for old time's sake?"
"Oh, Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea."

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having
a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-
timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's
no trouble. So he follows them.

The old couple walk haltingly along leaning on each other for support aided by
walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way
to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they
erupt into the most furious se that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about 10 minutes while both are making loud noises, and
moaning and screaming. They finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman isamazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and
old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle
to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and
thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something
else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret
to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago, that wasn't an
electric fence."
<><>

Santa came down the chimney to be greeted by a gorgeous young woman
who says in a very sexy voice, "Hi Santa...want to stay and play awhile?"
Santa replies, "Ho Ho Ho I have to go. I must take toys to the children, you
know."

So the gorgeous young woman takes off her dress and standing there in her
skimpy underwear says, "Santa. . ., please stay and play awhile?"
Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho, I have to go. I must take toys to the children, you
know." So the young woman takes off her skimpy underwear and standing
there stark naked, says "Santa . . .now do you want to stay and play awhile?"

Santa takes one look at her and looks down (towards his feet?) looks back
at her and says, "Hey Hey Hey, I will have to stay. . . .I can't get up the
chimney this way."
<><>

A young redhead goes to the doctor's office and says that her body hurts
wherever she touches it. "Impossible." says the doctor, :Show Me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes
her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she
touches makes her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
<><>

What do UFOs and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
<><>

What is the difference between a blonde and a penny?
A penny has more cents.
<><>

Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
<><>

Dear Cat Owner.
How to bath your cat.

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top so
cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suda. (Ignore ruckus from
inside toilet, cat is enjoyng this.)
6. Flush toilet three or four times This provides power rinse, which is quite
effective.
7. Have someone open the back door, stand as far from the toilet as possible
and quickly open both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.

Sincerely, The Dog.
<><>

A bassoon player who had recently had abdominal surgery was anxious to
know whether he could resume playing. A note was duly pinned to his medical
notes to ask his consulting surgeon.

"Certainly," came the reply, "as long as it's not within five miles of this hospital."
<><>

A young vicar about to deliver his first sermon asked the advice of a retired
minister on how to capture the congregation's attention.

"Start with an opening line that's certain to grab the
m," the cleric told him.
For example: Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of
a woman."

He smiled at the young vicar's shocked look before adding, "She was my
mother."

The next Sunday the vicar nervously the vicar nervously clutched the pulpit
rail before the congregation and stated, "Some of the best years of my life
were spent in the arms of a woma."

He was pleased at the instant reaction -- then panic-stricken. "But for the
life of me, I can't remember who she was."
<><>

A few quotes from my big book full of them.

We can't all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the kerb and
applaud when they go by. ~ ~ ~ Will Rogers.

One voice can enter ten ears, but ten voices cannot enter one ear.
~ ~ ~ Leone Levi.

Personality can open doors but only character can keep them open.
~ ~ ~ Elmer G. Letterman.

I have witnessed the softening of the hardest hearts by a simple smile.
~ ~ ~ Goldie Hawn.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
~ ~ ~ Will Rogers.

I am not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I am not
dumb, and I also know I am not a blonde. ~ ~ ~ Dolly Parton.

You may be right I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for. ~ ~ ~ Billy Joel.

That is it for this post my friends. Take good care of yourselves and
of each other. May you find joy in your lives. My love and best wishes
to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 616 ~ ~ ~ Monday, 20th July, 2009.
<><><>



16 comments:

Sharon's Cottage Quilts said...

Delightful Merle, as always!! Thank you sweet lady! What a great way to begin my day...Blessings~Sharon

Beth E. said...

Merle,
I'm so glad you got your emails straightened out. Computer problems can be so frustrating!

I enjoyed your jokes, especially the blonde ones...probably because I'm a brunette! Haha

Have a great week!
Beth

Jack K. said...

I just hate it when the computer won't do today what it easily did yesterday. I wonder, just what did I do to upset it?

Loved the jokes:

Electric fence, indeed. LMAO

Cat cleaning funny. Damned dog.

Poor Santa. lol

Take care.

A Stitch In Thyme said...

My hubs and I died laughing with the cat wash. Both of my cats, thank goodness, don't mind their baths at all. I've done them since they were little. But, I can imagine this and it would be my bugzy sitting on the toilet seat holding them in. :)

Winifred said...

That electric fence was brilliant.

Goldie Hawn is no dumb blonde is she.

Thanks for this Merle, I can always rely on you for a really good laugh.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Hi Merle, I so agree with One Day at a Time...makes life a whole lot easier.

Old age sex is a beauty, I've seen that one several times, but the mental image still makes me laugh.

Glad you've got your emails and so on sorted out. Those passwords are frustrating aren't they?

Take care. Hugs.

Gina E. said...

Hi Merle, I haven't been online for a few days, so I'm catching up on all your jokes and wisdom. You're fortunate it was only your emails that were a problem - my dear old vintage PC is in its death throes, and I'm having to use Ken's laptop - ugh. Can't get used to the soft keyboard and the XP operating system.

Patty said...

Good evening, glad your son made it home safely. Yes we worry no matter what age they are. Our one daughter is leaving in the morning for about an 18 hour drive to Fl. But she'll call along the way. I'll be cat sitting, well actually feeding them morning and afternoon. The indoor cats, well need their litter box cleaned and checked, plus I'll take a few evenings and go over and set with them for a while and watch TV. They like human company, the one loves to be petted.

Yesterday we ran to a doctor, for Abe's lung check up, today we ran to another one for his arthritis. Stopped to see my sister-in-law, she's now in Hospice, but she was sleeping, I rubbed her arm, but it didn't wake her, and I was afraid they might have just given her some pain medication, so I left a note to tell her we had been there.

Well going to shut this computer down. I'm tired, I hate doctor's appointments, getting there on time and then waiting and sometimes waiting longer than necessary. Have a good evening. Liked all the jokes. But loved the Santa joke the best.

Kerri said...

Hello dear Merle. Sorry I haven't popped by in a while. I haven't been spending a lot of time blogging. So much gardening to do, and I'm usually too tired at night to do much of anything. I'm realising that my garden is too much for one person to take care of! But that doesn't stop me from enjoying it :)
Thanks so much for the birthday wishes. It's so thoughtful of you to remember my birthday.
I had a good chuckle over the jokes, and enjoyed the quotes too.
Glad your e-mail problem is all sorted out now. That can be so frustrating.
I think our summer just might be almost as cool as your winter this year. We could use some warm summer days. Had one yesterday, but back to rain and chilly temps today.
Cheers, and take care.

Janice said...

Hi Merle,

I loved the "how to wash a cat" by the dog, it gave me a good chuckle.

Janice~

Dave said...

Darn Merle... I about spit out my coffee reading the old people's sex joke! *LOL*

Great post as always...

aritra the daydreamer said...

jst came upon ur blog...and really had a gr8 laugh thanks for the njoyment...
it would be nice if u visit mine too...i have jst started out...

Jim said...

Hi Merle, again another really nice posting. I did like your blonde jokes the best, you had a whole section this time!

I am sorry you missed your e-mail or did it all come at one time.
I am supposing they sent you an e-mail telling about the new password requirement. Of course they did it the day before the big change. If you missed that day you missed their notice.
That happened to our voice mail when we were in Europe this last time. Nobody could get messages and nobody knew we had to reset things after THEIR CHANGE. And of course the notice was in our mailbox that was being held at the post office. Dumb. (I do believe they all hire blondes to give out the notices.)
..

Margaret Cloud said...

Don't you just love changing your password, I hate it. I am happy John arrived home safe, and yes us moms do worry no matter how old their kids. I had my smile for today after reading the old couples love making, that was a good one. I enjoyed your jokes, hope you have a great weekend, take care friend and be safe.

audrey` said...

"One Day At A Time" is another enriching post =)

Thank you, Merle.

Gledwood said...

How about this one...?

she sells seashells on the seashore!