Saturday, September 19, 2009

The Sunday Paper.

Post 631 ~ ~ ~ Saturday 19th September, 2009.

Hi Everybody ~~ I hope all is well with you and life is good.
I am fine - but alone again (naturally). My visitors did not
arrive, a case of illness with one lot and Geoff and Jo have
changed the date. So I have been giving my neighbors a few
profriteroles, salads etc and stuffed things in the freezer, so
no harm done.

I had a lovely surprise on Wednesday as my dear friends,
Jeanette and her sister Pauline called in for a cuppa. Jan had
brought a cream cake, which the three of us made a mess
of and later, my friend, Michael called so I gave it to him as
there was no room in the fridge for anything more. He
enjoyed it.

Jan was looking good after her two surgeries, one for a
cataract, another for a small lesion below her other eye. So
when that has healed, she has the second cataract done.
She is not supposed to spend much time on the computer,
but will visit you all when she is able. Meanwhile it is nice
to see some recent posts from our friend Wazza.
Keep up the good work Warren.

Thank you to my friend Barbara for "The Sunday Paper."

I just know this will be me someday.

This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of you
who know seniors, and to all of you who will become seniors.
It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are !!





"WHERE IS MY SUNDAY paper?" The irate customer calling the newspaper
office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The
Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY."

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed
by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, fancy that,
so that's why no one was at church today."
<><>

A few more of Sherrill's "Idiots strike everywhere." Thanks Sherrill.

A man wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland, walked into the Branch
and wrote, "Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began
to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call
the police before he got to the teller's window . . . So he left the
Bank and crossed the street to the NAB Bank. .

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller.
She read it, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the
brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his
stick-up note because it was on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip
and that he would either have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go
back to the Bank of Queensland. . .

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK," and left. . . .
He was arrested a few minutes later as he was waiting in line back
at the Bank of Queensland. Happened at Noosa.
<><>

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded
all of the cash in the cash-drawer. . . After the cashier put the cash
in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind
the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as
well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't think you are
over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because she didn't believe him . . . At this point, the robber took
his driver's licence out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. . .
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over
21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from
the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and
address of the robber that she got off the licence.
They arrested him 2 hours later.
<><>


Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some
booze and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head
at the window. The brick bounced back knocking him unconscious.

It seems the liquor store window was made of Flexi Glass.
The whole event was seen on video-tape. Perth, WA.
<><>

I was at the airport checking in a the gate when an airport
employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage
without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without
my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Melbourne.
<><>

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealers to pick up
our car, we were told the car keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic
working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the
door handle and discovered it was unlocked. "Hey," I
announced to the technician, "It's open."

In reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the FORD dealership at DUBBO NSW.
<><>

My friend in England sent me this one. Thanks, Embee.
A fun one to type !!!

Llanfairpwllgwy
ngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were
driving through Wales. At the town of:-

Llanfairpwllgwyngy;;gogoerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch

They stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,

"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.

Can you pronounce where we are, very, very very slowly?"


The girl leaned over and said, "Burrr? gurr? king?
<><>


One from Warren --- Thanks mate.
Now I'm not having a go at the Kiwis, but they do have a
reputation . . . . don't they????

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realised that they were on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for
romance
. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and
better to the lonely Kiwi.

Soon he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely
until he took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets but
there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another ship-
wreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most
beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad
way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to
their evening ritual.

It was another beautiful evening . . . red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm
gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon the
Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as
long as he could, but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the
opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously and
whispered in her ear,

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk.?"
<><>

A joke from my good friend Linda May -- Thanks Linda.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife.
"I can't lie to you," he replied. I'm having an affair with my
secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said,

"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf."
<><>
(I have some more of these for next time.)
<><>

Never judge a book by its movie. ~~~ J. W. Egan.

Write something to suit yourself and many people will like it.
write something to suit everybody and scarcely anyone will
care for it. ~ ~ ~ Jesse Stuart.

An actress can only play a woman. I am an actor, I can play
anything. ~ ~ ~ Whoopi Goldberg.

You know it's a terrible thing to appear on television, because
people think that you actually know what you are talking about.
~ ~ ~ Daivid Attenborough.

All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately
unrehearsed. ~ ~ ~ Sean O'Casey.

All music is folk music. I ain't never heard no horse sing a song.
~ ~ ~ Louis Armstrong.
<><>

Time to call it a day for this post. John will be heading home in
the morning - it takes most of 2 days. I am glad he and his biker
companion spent 2 nights at Peters. Thanks for having them
litlle brother, hope they haven't been too much trouble.
My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 631 ~ ~ ~ Saturday, 19th September, 2009.
<><><>

22 comments:

Christina said...

Hi merle, sorry your visitors weren't able to make it. I hope everyone is well now.

LOL @ Burger King!

Jack K. said...

Glad to know you were able to make the best of a plan that went awry.

Loved the jokes as usual.

Beth E. said...

I'm sorry your company couldn't visit with you. Hopefully they will be able to reschedule soon.

Loved the jokes, as usual! :-)

Sharon's Cottage Quilts said...

Hello Merle!!! I've missed you! My mom was here then my computer went kaput!!
So happy to be back and reading your wonderful, uplifting blog...Ha! Burger King!!
So sorry that your company didn't make it...but you sound well and for that I am sincerely grateful!!
I've missed you girlfriend!!
That cream pie sounds delish!!
Hugs, Sharon

Margaret Cloud said...

Glad you had some company. I can say amen to the Sunday paper, I have mixed up days or dates. I guess he wasn't the brightest light, I guess the shotgun robber was missing a light bulb also.These were very good, did smile at them. Hope John has a safe trip home, will say a prayer to keep him safe. Hope you had a nice Sunday, take care my friend and be safe.

Patty said...

Dear Merle, Nice you had company. Cake sounds delicious. Jokes are funny. Loved the one about the Kiwi being stranded on the island. And also the one wanting to know the name of the place they were in, and she said Burger King very slowly. LOL

My second cataract surgery is planned for Oct. 22nd. Will be glad when it's over so I can see good with both eyes again. I'm still amazed at how well the eye that's had the surgery is working.

We got a little rain this evening, not much, but saved having to water anything. And it's pretty cool outside at the moment, but then I must remember it is Sept. 20th. Fall is just around the corner.

Hope your son arrived home safely. Take care my friend. More later. Love,
Patty

Fred said...

Hi Merle...sorry I've been away for so long, but I've basically been lazy.

I loved reading all the updates about the family and of course, the jokes were great.

I hope you have a great week!

Janice said...

Hi Merle,

I loved the Burger King joke, and the Kiwi one too.

Thank you for the update on Jeanette, I was just going to ask you how she was.

Have a great week.
Janice~

Lady Di Tn said...

Merle
What a wonderful surprise that Jen and Pauline came over and brought cake.
I know you will be glad to see John when he rides in and sorry to hear that illness prevented Geoff from visiting. Hope it was something minor. As for the jokes they were great. I must try and remember them for the Art Venture luncheion this month.
Peace be with you. love and prayers

linda may said...

G'Day Merle,
Hope you and yours are well.
Re; dust if you must, yes we should all be more like that.
There sure are some not so smart people out there.Very funny. I won't dare tell of some of the mistakes I have made in my time though mate.
Tonight at work I spilled disinfectant down the front of my jeans and had to go back inside looking like I had had a different type of accident. Opps!
Cheers, Love Linda.

Puss-in-Boots said...

You make profiteroles, Merle? I love profiteroles...especially with choc brandy sauce poured all over them...oh heavenly!

Next time send some my way...heheh!

Have you had any rain? Apparently we're going to have a hot, dry summer (so what's new?) and it's started already. It was 34 degrees and very humid today. I had the ceiling fan going, not quite hot enough for aircon.

Take care and let me know when you are going to make more profiteroles...lol. Hugs.

Mountain Mama said...

It's such a disappointment when we look forward to the kids coming and they can't. Dang!

LZ Blogger said...

Merle ~ There is so much info here I hardly know what to comment on first! But now I've got to go see Warren's blog... I've not been there in a while! Sunday paper... classic! ~ jb///

Gina E. said...

Another super lot of jokes! I also giggled at your opening line "Alone again...naturally" - how many others got that one! I loved that song when it was on the charts.
John sounds like my Ken in his younger days. He thought nothing of hopping on his bike to ride interstate for a weekend. By the time we met, his trips were restricted to around Victoria - I love riding pillion, but not THAT far!

Pamela said...

I love the folk music quote. True True.

Pamela said...

but.... now that you think of it I've heard a cat sing.

Gramma Ann said...

Hello Merle,

I enjoyed your jokes today, so funny. Actually, I laughed out loud at a few of them.

I hope the family is feeling well by now, and all is well with you. We are just beginning our autumn weather today. My favorite time of the year, not to hot, not to cold. Our summer was nice, it too only had a few really hot, and humid days. Very enjoyable really.

Until next time, Have a splendid week.

Ann

audrey` said...

Sending (((HUGS))) to you today, Merle. Take care =)

"Sunday Papers" makes me laugh =D

Jim said...

Hi Merle, I am sorry you had to give all those __ away. But hat wasn't half as bad as not having your family get there. I am glad you had other company and that John is headed back.

I Googled Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch, did you know there are 37,800 articles for Google to find about that place.
BTW:
This is the name of a town in North Wales. The name translates as "The church of St. Mary in the hollow of white hazel trees near the rapid whirlpool by St. Tysilio's of the red cave" in Welsh, has long claimed the fame of having the longest name in the world. However, there is a hill in New Zealand called:

Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu This Maori mouthful translates into English as "the place where Tamatea, the man with the big knees, who slid, climbed and swallowed mountains, known as 'landeater,' played his flute to his loved one." I consider this a lean short-story, however, and have serious reservations about giving New Zealand the gold since local history has it that the parts about the knees and climbing mountains were recently added just to pull ahead of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch. But you may count it if you like now that Gavin Kingsley has offered photographic evidence of this claim, too.
And then a place in Bangkok has a longer name still according to Guiness Records.

Aren't there some dumb crooks in the world. There are also are a lot of very clever, if not smart, crooks.
..

Jeanette said...

Hi Dear Merle, Just popped on for a few Mins. My eyes are going well still cant read small print,get very sore ryrs looking at puter. so will be pleased to get my right cataract done. It was lovely catching up with you and having a chat. Sorry to hear Geoff and Jo didnt make it due to ill health, and hope tou were able to freeze most of the lovely food you had prepared.. Take care my freind will try geyt a blog in the next few days.. love Jan xxx
Please excuse any errors..

Rosezilla said...

Out of all those, my favorite was "Never judge a book by its movie!" I heartily concur.

Linda said...

I especially loved the "Sunday Paper" segment - HA! :D Your blog always brings a smile and a laugh (or two or three...)

Hope you have a blessed week,
Linda