Post 675 ~ ~ ~ Wednesday, 14th April, 2010.
Hello Everyone ~ ~ I hope all is well in your corner of this wonderful world.
Mine is not too bright at present as I have a very painful leg which I have
had an X ray for but it didn't show the cause. So I am having quite a few pain
tablets which help but don't fix it so my typing could be bad and I get a bit
confused easier than usual. Peter's 'dementia' crack might be closer now.
I have a nice "Special Poem for Older Folks" sent to me by my older
daughter, Julie who lives in Queensland - so far away. She is facing her own
serious problem at present as her husband is gravely ill. Although on a
brighter note, she has a new granddaughter named Summer Jade.
Thanks for the Poem Julie; it's a good one.
A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze ....
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know .....
Is what tells each one where to go!!
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take the time to look for it.
For example, I am sitting her right now thinking how nice it is that
wrinkles don't hurt.
First joke tonight is from my friend Gina. Thank you Gina.
The Back Pew.
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's
family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much
the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how
much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his
chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many
gifts as He gives us."
Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady
struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a
gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
The entire congregation said, "Amen."
Thanks again to my good friend Gina for the next one.
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a
little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5.00."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot. I do not need an over-priced tie. I need
water. I should kill you, but must find water first."
"OK" said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want
to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than
that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you
will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
"Your brother won't let me in the restaurant without a tie."
This one was sent to me by my friend Warren. Thanks mate.
Yes, this appears to be the secret to a longer life. Give it your best.
Golf, Whisky and Sex.
An 80 year old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,
"How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
"I'm Scottish and I play golf and have sex nearly every day," says the
old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before
daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways, then home for a
little sex. Then I have a glass of whisky and all is well."
"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it than that. How old was your Dad when he died?"
"Who said my Dad's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad
is still alive. How old is he?"
"He is 100 years old," says the old Scottish golfer, "In fact he golfed
with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk
and had another wee dram and that's why he is still alive. He is Scottish
and he's a golfer and still has sex, too."
"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there is more to it
than that. How about Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my Granddad is dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather is still living. Incredible, how old is he?"
"He's 118 years old," says the old Scottish golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point. "So I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?"
"No. Granddad couldn't go this morning because he's getting married."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married?? Why
would an 118 year old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to? He got the poor lassie pregnant and is
obliged to marry her."
Lastly some actual things said in American Courts, word for word and
now published in a book called "Disorder in American courts."
Attorney; What was the first thing your husband said to you this
Witness: He said, "Where am I Cathy?"
Attorney: And why did that upset you?"
Witness: My name is Susan.
Attorney : What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
Witness : Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Attorney : Are you sexually active?
Witness : No, I just lie there.
Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness : Yes.
Attorney: In what way does it affect your memory?
Witness : I forget.
Attorney: You forget? Can you give me an example of something you forgot?
Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness : Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Attorney: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Witness : He's twenty, much like your IQ.
Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness : Are you sh###ing me?
Attorney: Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was on
August the 8th?
Witness : Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?
Witness : Getting laid.
Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness : Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness : None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?
Witness : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get
a new attorney?
Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness : By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness : Take a guess.
Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness : He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or female?
Witness : Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness : No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Attorney: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
Witness : All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
Attorney: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
you go to?
Witness : Oral.
Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness : Are you qualified to ask that question?
Attorney: Do you recall the time you examined the body?
Witness : The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
Witness : If not, he was by the time I finished.
Time to say Goodnight my friends, I hope you got a chuckle from
at least one of the jokes. Take great care, Love and Best Wishes.
Post 675 ~ ~ ~ Wednesday, 14th April, 2010,