Post 679 ~ ~ ~ Saturday, 1st May, 2010.
Hello Everyone ~~ I hope things are going really well for you and your
family, and that the weather is more to your liking of late. It is getting
colder here, but still some really nice days with plenty of sunshine.
I am doing quite well and enjoying life at present. I felt lots better after
having my hair cut and plan to plant some Pea seeds tomorrow.
First tonight was sent by my good friend Gina. Thank you.
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and
never say it's not quite as good as his mother's. . . .
.... then adopt a dog.
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long
and wherever you want . . .
. . . .then adopt a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care
about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies . .
. . . . then adopt a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to warm
your and who you can push off if he snores . .
. . . .Then adopt a dog.
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if'
you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word
you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally,
perpetually . . .
. . . . then adopt a dog.
BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when
you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over
the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home
to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure
his happiness . . . .
. . . . then adopt a cat.
Now be honest, you thought I was gonna say . . .
marry a man, didn't you?
One from my Friendship Book called A Cosy sort of Friend.
The nicest thing in all the world
Is just a cosy sort of friend
With whom I feel so much at home
I talk and chatter without end;
And when at last I've finished all
The things I have to say
I know my chum will never give
My secret thoughts away;
And that is why I share with you
When I've an hour to spend,
Because I always find you such
A cosy sort of friend.
One from my son John, called Senior health care solution.
So you are a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no
nursing home available for you - what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are
allowed to shoot 2 MPs and 2 Govt. Ministers - not necessarily dead.
Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get
three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, and all the
health care you need. New teeth - no problem. Need glasses, great.
New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered. (And your kids can
come and visit you as often as they do now).
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just
told you that they cannot afford for you to go into a home.
Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?
Another short one from Gina. Thank you.
Help Wanted Urgently !!
Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay?
Yesterday, I put in a bid for a "Cowboy Outfit" and
now it seems I am only six minutes away from owning the
One from my friend Linda in Canberra. Thank you.
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his
window and asks, "What's going on?"
The man said "Terrorists have kidnapped Kevin Rudd, Wayne Swan
and Julia Gillard. (Australian Politicians.)
They're asking for a $300 million ransom, otherwise they're going to
douse them with petrol and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a litre I think.
A blonde joke from Sue and Bob. Thank you.
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs
to borrow $6,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some king of security for the
loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and
everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde
for using a $120,000 Benz as collateral against a $6,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde
returns, repays the $6,000 and the interest which comes to $19.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you
are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $6,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my care for
two weeks for only $19.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Finally a smart blonde joke.
Last joke tonight, from my friend Warren, Thanks Mate.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his
word he made contact. "Mary, Mary."
"Is that you Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the
golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then have sex twice,
I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty
much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex
until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not, exactly, I'm a rabbit out in the country."
A few quotes tonight . . . . .
Like an unchecked cancer, hate corrodes the personality and eats
away its vital unity. Hate destroys a man's sense of values and
his objectivity. It causes him to describe the beautiful as ugly
and the ugly as beautiful and to confuse the true with the false
and the false with the true. ~~~Martin Luther King. Jr.
By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he
usually has a son who thinks he's wrong. ~~Charles Wadsworth.
Some people are so heavenly minded that they are no earthly
good. ~ ~ ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes.
If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster. ~~Clint Eastwood.
Expect the best. Prepare for the worst. Capitalize on what
comes. ~ ~ ~ Zig Zigler.
If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change
your attitude. Don't complain. ~ ~ Maya Angelou.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and
remove all doubt. ~ ~ ~ Abraham Lincoln.
Enough for this post. Enjoy your lives and share some smiles with
those who don't have any. Love and Best wishes to you all.
Post 679 ~ ~ ~ Saturday, 1st May, 2010.