Thursday, May 06, 2010

Killer Kitty.

Post 680 ~ ~ ~ Thursday, 6th May, 2010.

Hi Everyone ~~~ I am fine and trying to keep warm these days. I know I don't
do enough exercise, but I have to rest to heal the stress fracture. I hope you
are all enjoying your lives and the weather wherever you are.
I would like to wish all the Mothers a very happy Mother's Day on Sunday, and
get spoiled a little bit. Enjoy your special day, where this applies.

My son from Melbourne is coming up tomorrow for a visit. His daughter Michelle
is in England at present. She and her boyfriend went to Gallipoli for the Anzac
Day remembrance service and loved the whole thing. Another item on her agenda
is to visit Ireland where her uncle is buried. He died at age 20 in W W 2.

First joke tonight comes from my Canberra friend Linda. Thank you.

We all have trouble with our animals, but I doubt if anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse.
I always get the feeling the boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a
valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating.
I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up
to coming in tomorrow. By then I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the
bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given
in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.





Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my
wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen - "Honey. The garbage disposal is dead
again. Please come and reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter
and steam. "Reset it yourself."
"But I'm scared," she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

There was a meaningful pause and then , "C'mon, it'll pnly take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged
nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as
extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly,I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the
button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck me without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
No it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into it's gnashing metal teeth.
It was our new Kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she
spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and
stalked me as I reached under the sink and at the precise moment when I
was
most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them
with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily
movements, blindly rising at a violent rage of speed with the full weight of a kitten
hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" sydrome. Men in this
predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was
fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcibly
impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things worse than finding yourself lying on the kitchen
floor butt naked in front of a group of "been there - done that" paramedics,
Even worse having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all
snorting loudly as they tried to suppress their hysterical laughter . . and not
succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back to the office
where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury.
I kept silent claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If only they knew!!

Why is it only woman laugh at this joke??

<><>

Next item came from my friend, Sheree-N-China-McClernan. Thankyou.

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is bliss, taste it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is a sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.

Written by Mother Teresa, Catholic Missionary nun.
Nobel Peace prize recipient.
<><>

A few Irish jokes from my friend Patty. Thank you for these.

Lost at Sea.
Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat, following
a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through
the boat's provisions. Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly
hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.

This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one
wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to it, Parick blurted out, "Make the whole
ocean into Guiness Beer."

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately
the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals,
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness
as two men considered their circumstances.

Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension- filled moment, he spoke:

"Nice going, Patrick. Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
<><>

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave
ad fell flat on his face. He tried again - same result. He figured he'll
crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to
crawl the four blocks home. Again he fell on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his
bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull
himself upright.., but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound
asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him,
shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN."


Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out, he said,
"What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."
<><>

Tell me this won't happen to me.

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car had been broken into... She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo and the
steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator", she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on his way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He said, "She
got in the back seat by mistake."
<><>

FAMILY.
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night
the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, but I'll come up and see."
She pauses on the stairs, "Was I coming up the stairs or down.

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters, She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful, knock on wood."

She then yells, "I'll come up and help you both as soon as I see who's
at the door."
<><>

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No the second man replied, it's Thursday." And the third man
chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."


A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a Nursing
Home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown
and say, "Supersex. . ." She walked up to an elderly man in a
wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat quietly for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll
take the soup."
<><>

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and then tried
to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly
irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later, she said, "Then you used
to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.. "Where are
you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth."
<><>


An 80 year old named Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement
home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone
who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight."

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out,"An elephant?" Bessie thinks
for a moment and then says, "Close enough."
<><>

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice, warning him. "Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the
Interstate 77. Please be careful."

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them."

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately their
activities had been limited to meeting to play cards a few times a week.
One day they were playing cards when one said, "Now don't get mad
at me.. I know we have been friends for years, but I can't remember
your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please
tell me your name."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally, she said, "How soon do you need to know."
<><>

Enough for tonight my friends. I hope you have a wonderful weekend
coming up and enjoy your lives. Love and Best Wishes to you all.
Cheers, Merle.

Post 680 ~ ~ ~ Thursday, 6th May, 2010.
<><><>


10 comments:

Gledwood said...

"What if the waste disposal system sucks me in?"!

Only a woman would say that. Or a man with acute schizophrenia ;->...

Peter said...

Hi Merle, Gordon, Phyl, Edna and Kay came up for a visit yesterday they had seen Geoff and were going back there today (Friday).
Sounds like winter is on the way down there, still nice weather here.

Pearl said...

Wanted to make sure I stopped by and wished you a very happy Mother's Day.
Enjoy your time with your family.
Sending you big hugs,

Lee said...

Have a wonderful Mother's Day, Merle.

You keep resting up and don't feel at all guilty about it. Take good care.

Dave said...

Great jokes as always Merle... and I hope you warm up soon! *S*

Janice said...

I hope you had a wonderful Mother's day, Merle.

That kitty story gets me every time, lol.

Janice~

Jeanette said...

Gday Dear Merle. Im Back Hope you had a wonderful Mothers Day.
HEHEHE the Kitty joke got me along with the irishman peeing in the ocean.
Its getting cold keep warm in front of the heater Im got mine running also..and the electric blanket
Take care my friend love Janxxx

Joy Des Jardins said...

I don't do enough exercise either Merle; but you really do have to make sure your stress fracture heals as best as it can. I hope you had a nice visit with your son....I know you did.

Stay warm and well sweet friend... Love, Joy

Margaret Cloud said...

Hope you had a nice Mother's Day.The cat joke was the best, ouch. These old folks jokes were really good, I liked them all. Have a nice week.

Patty said...

Good evening Merle, Glad you're doing ok. Sorry it's been so cold there. We've had rain all day and temp finally got up to 70F by 5pm. But it was sure chilly all morning.

We're doing pretty good here at this end of the world. Mowed the lawn front and back this past Friday. With all the rain we've had I will probably have to use the grass catcher the next time I mow. That makes more work, but it looks better than having big clumps of grass laying all around.

Dancing With The Stars is on tonight, they will be eliminating a couple. Take care and keep warm, and rest. Love, Patty